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~Seek first to understand, then be understood~
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I have a "friend" who shows up once a month. She turns my world upside down, over and over again.
I am a good person, caring and sweet, but when she comes to visit, I could rip off your head.
She takes no prisoners, foul words she does spout, I try to keep the words in, she lets them come out.
People don't understand me, or what this is about, to have this creature inside my head.
I despise who I am, half of the time, I feel sorry for my daughter, family and friends.
There's no way to describe it, for those who don't know, it's a living nightmare, she really needs to go.
~Neysia Manor, Rest in Peace

Saturday, October 29, 2016

The Voices of PMDD - Battling the Darkness

Today's powerful guest post was written by Amanda Van Slyke, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Flurt Magazine.  For more information, please visit Flurt's Facebook Page.

Every month around this time the darkness swallows me up. It seems to happen in an instant, where I previously felt more creative and fulfilled than I've felt in a long time. Just before the lights go out, I climb mountains of work that I've been trying to reach for weeks. I write essays full of passion and reach out to others for emotional connection. I walk down the street smiling ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the torture I see others endure online. They post about how they can't do this anymore – about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork it's the same thing – feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and isolation. But I am happy. I eat well and do yoga and meditate and run – everything you're supposed to do to get rid of the darkness. I think that if only people did what I did, they'd feel just as great as I do. I am the exception to the rule.
When I was younger, I came to a point where I'd felt like I had already died. I was a shell of a person, barely leaving my bed because of the fatigue and depression, stuffing my face with whatever temporarily took away the pain. I barely escaped to the west coast to get away from the darkness before it swallowed me whole – and I saw a lifestyle that could make me feel better. I stopped drinking, stopped eating sugar and dairy and gluten – and I know how you all feel about gluten, but it worked. For the first time in my life, my face cleared up. My bloated belly flattened. When I filled my body with fuel instead of poison, my energy started to come back. My depression started to lift. I could feel the oxygen coming back into my bloodstream. The more I took care of my body, the more I saw God through me – and I was an atheist.
I know that sometimes people take medication – SSRIs mixed with therapeutic conversation – and believe me, I've been on so many pills I considered swallowing them all at once. But pills took away something far deeper than the darkness – they took away my ability to feel your toes tingle and your whole body remember what spirituality feels like. And for me, I'm not willing to give up my God – the one that speaks to me through my own moans and screams. To me, feeling that numbness inside me might as well as be the death of me. So I tapered off my medication – well, after I tried to go cold turkey, and my boyfriend almost broke up with me. When I finally felt I was myself again – the one I had been searching for and didn't know could exist – I wanted everyone to know about the revolution.
And the revolution came in a plant based crusade. I felt like I had finally found a cure for the darkness. I went two years without eating meat, and I was so skinny my panties fell to the floor. But I still said that I was part of the movement. I shared photos of my recipes online, and talked about how well I was doing. But away from the limelight my diet fluctuated just as much as much as my mood. Just like I'd tapered off my medication, I tapered off fuel for my body, replacing it with poison – processed foods that were easy, thinking that just a little bit of junk food would make the pain go away. Because the pain never did, regardless of what I was eating. If I gave in and reached for the poison, it would spread throughout my body and the pain would inflate my belly and the lights would go out. And then I would say, "Screw it," like the people online that I thought just needed to be more like me.
I know now the darkness is inevitable. I know I need to do my best to choose the light – and that I won't choose it every day, nor will anyone else – even the gurus on Instagram who post photos of food I don't have the money to make. Because the darkness isn't a place where you only go when you're weak. Diet and exercise and medication is for the privileged – and I'm privileged enough – but sometimes I don't have much money for food or the will to leave my apartment, so I reach for something I know will be easy but harder in the long run. And then I spiral down – feeling hopeless, lonely, and isolated – where my only friend is the poison that I know will kill me. Because people die from this.
The darkness leaves you feeling like there's a hole where your heart should be – where you try to fill it with things to make the pain subside. Junk food, alcohol, sex, and drugs. But the real misery comes when you realize these things are never going to be enough. It comes from the knowledge that only finding self love can fill that hole – and trying to love yourself is hard when you never did. Once you see it's just you and the darkness, you can either stay up til morning or go to sleep. And while it's easy to say some are weak for not fighting, I don't blame them.

Because right now, I am unhappy. I walk around my apartment with swollen eyes, moping about how I'm just like everyone else, posting online about how I can't do this anymore, about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork the darkness returns. But I know that soon the light will appear – so for today, I eat well, do yoga, meditate and run. I know it isn't a “cure,” but I know the more I take care of my body the more I'll see God through me. And maybe she can give me strength so I can see the light another day and remember what it's like to be happy – to smile ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the darkness.

5 comments:

  1. Incredibly powerful post, thank you so much for sharing! Love this blog so much.

    I've only recently started looking into PMDD so forgive me if I sound ignorant,
    I have PCOS and PMDD (although I never experienced PMDD before I started birth control) , i just got off my birth control and currently am trying to treat both with supplements and vitamins because birth control made me depressed and anxious all month long. Since coming off I had started to feel completely normal and fine but about 2 weeks before my period was supposed to start PMDD symptoms showed up. I have irregular periods with PCOS and since coming off birth control (my first month off) I don't know if i'll have a period this month. I know typically symptoms show 7-10 days before your cycle but there's no guarantee I'll start because of my PCOS... Does anyone have any experience with that? Or should i not be feeling PMDD symptoms unless I'm going to be having a period here soon?

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  2. I've just recently been reading more about PMDD because right now, as I have more and more over recent years, have been feeling as awful as I thought possible for about a week before my period. It doesn't happen every month though, so I'm not sure if that's what the problem is. I suspect so but have yet to have it confirmed. I have a lot of issues to begin with, rather, loved ones with major problems, so I attributed my bouts of severe depression to that. I'm writing today because this is the worst it has ever been, and all I want to do is sob (and HAVE been), and keep thinking of the best way to end the misery without expending much effort and making it less if a burden for my family to bear. I don't want them to find me at home, nor do I want them to have to get my affairs in order because I don't have the energy to do it myself. This is awful!!! I guess I'm going to have to speak with my doctor and get some help. I can honestly say, my heart goes out to all women with PMDD.

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    1. Please, please go and see ur Gp, there is help for pmdd, plz don't suffer alone and in silence, explain it to ur friends and family, they can't understand if u don't let them in, plz talk to them, gd luck, i hope u get help soon x

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  3. Thank you for this post. Tears stream down my eyes as it echoes my feelings. My comfort is even in this darkness travelling to light we are all together. We are all together.

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  4. Such beautiful words
    I suffered with Pmdd for about 5 or so years, i believe the symptoms were kept at bay because i had 6 children, it was only a few years afyery youngest child that things became really bad, the symptoms seemed to come out of no where, my periods were so eratic 3years ago, i believe due to being peri menopausal, with this the pmdd symptoms were happening more often, i was so scared, felt so alone, no one understood, i thought i was going crazy.
    Luckily i started to see a new Gp at my surgery, within a year i was given the all clear for a full hysterectomy, that was 2 years ago now, the Pmdd symptoms disappeared over time, i haven't looked back since, i would do it all over again just to not suffer with Pmdd
    Gd luck with everything, i wish u well xx

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