It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.

Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.

This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.

Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.

Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.

Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.

You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?

Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.

The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”

They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.

The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.

Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.

But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.

If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.

Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.

If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.

If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….

It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

So think about that.

My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.

But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.

My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.

The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.

Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.

And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?

Think about that one for a while.

You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.

So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.

I’m talking about adults here.

When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.

If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.

Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)

That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.

More Things That Make Your PMDD Worse

Hi, I can’t believe another week has gone by. A few weeks ago my original intention was to write a post about things to do help manage your PMDD, but there are still a lot of things out there we need to avoid to keep it from getting worse. It won’t do us any good to drink, eat and do the right things as long as we are still eating, drinking and doing the things that make it worse. At best, we’ll only be self-defeating our good intentions. True balance can’t be achieved by coming at this disorder hit or miss.

I’ve been scanning the PMDD loops and forums, and there are so many women out there crying out for help. As I read the posts, I can pinpoint some things they are doing to make their PMDD worse, without even realizing it. Nobody intentionally wants to make themselves feel badly, especially a PMDD woman. We know—even if at times it seems only like a distant memory—what it feels like to feel good, and we want to feel that way all the time.

As I said last week, the information is out there. The problem is it’s scattered all over the place, and some of it isn’t quite true. Some of it is slanted toward getting us to purchase products in which the author of that information has a financial interest. In the interests of my research I’ve bought several books and tapes and products designed to make me feel better, even “cure” my PMDD. Most have failed, because the information they are based upon is faulty to start with.

For instance, there is one doctor who insists over and over again in his literature that PMDD is caused by using birth control pills and hormone replacement therapy. If that is the case, I shouldn’t have it, because I’ve never used either. But a vast majority of women have used one or the other, and so by claiming that they cause PMDD, he is guaranteed to have a wide range of women wondering if that is the cause of their PMDD and flocking to buy his products. Instant consumer base.

Based on the scientific information I have read, in particular the information produced in the past five years—information which is not referred to at all in this doctor’s literature--it’s clear that birth control pills and hormone replacement therapies worsen your PMDD, but do not cause it. The studies I have read indicate that overall there is some relief in the initial months when using these methods to treat your symptoms of PMDD—and that is all you can do with these methods—treat the symptoms—because neither of these treatment methods address the underlying cause of PMDD.

But after a certain period of time—usually several months—both clinical studies and anecdotal stories show that birth control pills and hormone replacement therapies make your PMDD worse. And if that’s not enough misery for you, when you stop taking these drugs for your PMDD, your PMDD worsens even more. Because your body has to do all that additional work to recover from the damage that was done to your hormonal balance through using these methods of treatment. The bottom line is you end up feeling worse than you did before you started these treatments.

Realize now that the failure was not yours. The failure was in the treatment, which is at best a one-size fits all treatment for what is a highly individualized disorder.

I have not used bio-identical hormone replacement treatment, so can not address that subject here. At this point I’m still on the fence about that. I have been able to manage my PMDD symptoms through rest, diet, nutritional supplements, and exercise. I still have episodes, but they are mild compared to what they once were, and more than manageable. I would like to make them go away completely, and in the interests of doing so (and research!) hope to try bio-identical hormone replacement therapy in time, but have yet to find a doctor in my local area who will prescribe them. So for now I muddle along, but again, my symptoms are mild and more than manageable.

Two other things that make your PMDD worse are:

Any prescribed drug, including anti-depressants (more on this in a future post).
Any over the counter drug, including NSAIDs, or non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs—that’s right—ibuprofen. That wonderful substance that does wonders for our cramps and sore joints only adds to our PMDD burden.

I’m not saying to never take drugs again. There are genuine disorders, diseases, and conditions that can not be managed any other way. I’m saying you need to be aware that these things make your PMDD worse, and that it’s not just you and you’re not crazy.

For instance when you reach for that bottle of ibuprofen, you need to reach for it knowing you’re making a trade off…relief from your cramps now, or relief from your PMDD later.

Just knowing this makes me pause, and decide whether my cramps and aches are really bad enough for me to need that ibuprofen. Or do I really just need some rest and relaxation to give my body the time it needs to deal with the inflammation on its own?

Dealing with PMDD is more about awareness than anything else. It’s making ourselves aware of what our body is trying to tell us. For example, we need magnesium—chocolate craving—we need carbs—to boost the level of serotonin in our brain—we need sleep—to allow our brains can naturally re-regulate themselves.

Our bodies are designed to heal themselves naturally, given the right nutrients and rest. In our busy society, more often than not, we don’t have the time to stop and listen to what our bodies are telling us. We’ve been conditioned to carry on, no matter what, and consume whatever pill, food, or drink is handy to get us through. Recently I heard an ad on the radio for some kind of product you can puff into your mouth that brings you up to five more hours of energy. It has some nutrients in it to make it sound healthy, but it also has a heavy dose of caffeine—which cancels out any questionable benefits of the nutrients added. Never mind that a PMDD woman needs to avoid caffeine like the plague.

This company promotes their product as something you can take in the afternoon to get you through the rest of the day. So you can be even more productive than you already are. It’s touted as a good thing. Something to make you virtually indefatigable. In our case, a superwoman.

But if you’re tired, your body is telling you that you need rest, not that you need something to override your body’s natural warning system that you’re heading for a breakdown.

So sure, if you use this product--or any of the countless ones just like it you can find next to cash registers at any number of stores--you get the added boost for that particular afternoon. But what about the damage you are doing to your body, which is already screaming for relief? What about the price you will pay with a whopper of a PMDD episode down the line?

Is it really worth it? Or don’t you deserve any better?

PMDD and Losing Weight

I apologize for the inconvenience, but this post is currently undergoing renovations.

The bottom line is losing weight by conventional methods (eating less, exercising more) is impossible without making your PMDD worse.  Before you embark on any intense exercise program or diet, you must know what is going on with your hormones--and that includes your thyroid hormones. It's not just about estrogen and progesterone.  The thyroid plays a huge role in body metabolism, so please be sure to get yours checked regularly.  And if the test results fall in the normal range, but you are still experiencing low thyroid symptoms, keep looking for a medical practitioner who will work with you.  It is vital to your health and wellbeing.

Details when I complete the update of this post.  Thank you for your patience.