My First Memory of Having PMDD

It’s hard to pinpoint my first true memory of having PMDD. I think I struggled against my PMDD for so long, denying that I had a problem, that it manifested long before I admitted there was something wrong with me. No one else I knew went through these struggles, or if they did, they didn’t talk about it. They managed, they coped…why couldn’t I? What was wrong with me that I was fine one day, and could barely get out of bed the next? I think I blamed it on everything and anything else but me, sources outside myself, school, work, friends, family, whoever I was in a relationship with at the time--because I was young and healthy and mental-type problems only happened to other people.

The first episode I can remember which I would now attribute to PMDD was a two-week period in my freshman year of college, toward the end of the semester and year, when I simply didn’t get out of bed except to go to class. I was doing well in my classes, not having any problems to speak of, and then suddenly this period of total sadness and hopelessness and lethargy hit, and I had no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. Then just as suddenly it lifted, and for the remaining weeks of the semester I raced around like a madwoman, trying to catch up and make sure my grades didn’t suffer.  I was eighteen years old.

Now, looking back, I can see countless repetitions of this scenario, where I’m sailing along, and life is fine, and then suddenly...it isn’t. When all indications are that I should be happy beyond measure--having achieved every goal I’d set for myself to that date--but I wasn’t. I used to think there was just something inside of me that liked to make life a little more challenging. Something that liked to let me fall behind, just so I could prove that I could catch up and still come out ahead. Now I realize it was the PMDD dragging me down. Now I think about how much I could have accomplished, had I known what was happening and learned to manage my PMDD, like I eventually did.

But I don’t dwell on those thoughts, because those opportunities have come and gone, and negative thoughts will bring anybody down, not just a woman with PMDD. There’s no sense in feeding the fire. What’s come and gone has done just that…come and gone. The only moment we can do anything about is the moment we’re in right now. And right now, I know that most, if all negative thoughts I have stem from my PMDD and I’m just not going to give them any more air time. I’m still as stubborn as I was as a teenager, still as determined not to let the sadness and negativity get me down, only this time I know what I’m dealing with. Now I’m able to separate the two, my usual self and my PMDD self, and when my PMDD hits, I’m able to label my self-defeating thoughts as PMDD thoughts and just set them on a mental shelf to be dealt with later.

The beauty of this tactic? When later comes, those thoughts are no longer relevant. Mostly because they weren’t true to start with. On PMDD days now I rest and take it easy. I find something positive and uplifting to read or watch or listen to, and focus on small, sometimes mindless tasks that I know need to be done and have been saving up for just such a day. Organizing receipts or CDs or books on a shelf. Folding the laundry. Nothing heavy, nothing demanding either physically, mentally, or emotionally. For instance, sorting through old photographs probably wouldn’t be a good job for a PMDD day. The emotions they dredge up might not be positive, might make you miss someone or someplace or stir up regrets. Or they might remind you of a happier time, and instead of making you smile, might make you feel like you’ll never be happy again. That’s the PMDD brain talking, not you. And whatever it is saying is certainly not coming from God.

I bring God into this because my faith was and is a big part of my experience with PMDD. Without faith in something bigger than myself, I never would have come to have faith in myself. I can’t tell you how many times I thought there has to be a way to make this madness stop. The first book I picked up was Prayer, Faith and Healing: Cure Your Body, Heal Your Mind, and Restore Your Soul. I’d tried everything else. Maybe it was time to give prayer a chance. And so I started. With baby steps. One by one, one day at a time, learning how to listen to something positive outside myself for a change, until I learned that God was inside of me, too, and I could go within for the answers I needed. They didn’t have to come from outside sources.

The stronger I became on the inside, the more those negative external voices dimmed to background noise. Such as well-meaning friends and family with unsolicited advice, and not-so-well-meaning friends and family with selfish needs and demands.  Not to mention well-crafted advertisements pointing out all the areas in which I was lacking in my life, or organizations with agendas on how I needed to live my life, and countless books, magazines, radio and television programs telling me I could have it all, while at the same time measuring me by artificial standards no one person could ever hope to attain.

It’s hard enough navigating life with all your faculties intact. But when you’re a woman with PMDD, operating on half power or less half the time or more, life gets really challenging. So don’t beat yourself up. The world is more than happy to do that for you. Accept that you’re not perfect and you’re never going to get there, then relax and enjoy your life. When you’re feeling good, take on all you want to, and when you’re not—take time out to take care of you.

If you take nothing else from this post, take this: Don’t spend another day beating yourself up for something you have no control over. Do start listening to your body, and giving it--and yourself--the respect you deserve. If you don’t know how to do that, if you’re scratching your head at the very thought of it,  like I once was, then check out my blog, my Living with PMDD Facebook page, or my book, PMDD and Relationships, for more information on how to better manage your PMDD, as well as support, encouragement, and tips on how to be a better you…all month long.

Declare Your Independence from PMDD - Nutrition Matters

Today we offer a two-for-one post, with a guest segment from Julie, a woman who, like me, has taken the responsibility for management of her PMDD symptoms into her own hands.  Read on to find out how and why. 

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. ~Hippocrates, founder of the Hippocratic School of Medicine

Julie starts:  Over a decade ago, I sat down with a doctor and burst into tears. Literally within moments, I had a prescription for an antidepressant.

I left feeling ashamed and deficient somehow. The drug didn't help at all and I was cycled through various others to see if one would finally work for me. When I decided to quit the search, I was tapered off of everything and felt like bolts of lightning were jolting through my body for weeks.

Nobody ever asked about my diet.

I've had three idiopathic blood clots. That means doctors can't identify what caused them. But now I take an anticoagulant for the rest of my life. For years, I've had to be careful about which foods I ate because certain foods could interfere with the medicine.

I even saw a gastroenterologist who wrote me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug before printing me a list of foods that might be the culprit behind my constantly upset belly. There was no real plan, no follow-through. Just a drug to treat the symptoms.

I was told that my symptoms were all in my head and just manifesting themselves in my gut. I felt broken and shamed again.

Yoga was my first step in recovering from depression. I'm now a registered yoga teacher and practice almost daily. I meditate and take long walks to soothe my nervous anxiety. I have been gluten-free for years and until recently ate what I thought to be a fairly healthy diet. I don't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. Most people who know me would probably consider me somewhat of a health nut.

One day it occurred to me that I would never just "open my medicine cabinet and start swallowing random handfuls of drugs." I don't even take Tylenol without checking to see if it's safe with anything else I have to take. But I do this with food. I open the refrigerator and...

I [finally realized that I] paid more attention to the appetizing picture on the package than to what was actually in the package. I finally understood that FOOD IS MEDICINE and that literally every single cell in my body was made of the food I chose to eat.

For the past several weeks, I've been eating nothing but clean food. I've removed all dairy, grains, legumes, soy, and sugar from my diet. I have piled my plate with veggies, fruit, and protein. Everything has been delicious and satisfying. I've definitely lost weight, and I've never felt deprived or gone to bed hungry.

But I've also gained strength and endurance. My sleep has improved. My skin is happy. And my resting heart rate has dropped steadily.

And this happened after only two weeks!

I'm much happier these days than I was a decade ago. I've fought for my own happiness. I now know who I am and what I need to feel like me. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs are helpful to many and there's no shame in taking them—none—but they've become so stigmatized that we sometimes get defensive about them instead of fairly examining the whole picture.

None of the doctors I met ever asked me about my diet. I was told that my symptoms were all in my head. Who cares that my head happens to be connected to the rest of my body?

What we eat matters and affects our entire being, not just our physical body.

Did you know that body fat secretes hormones? It works like an organ. If any other organ were enlarged and throwing the rest of your system out of whack, you'd probably consider that a problem.

Food is comforting. These past weeks have been emotionally exhausting. I got a call from the vet who has been treating our beloved dog for his leukemia. When they diagnosed him, they said he had 7-60 days left. He fought for more than six months! Even so, the vet confirmed that we had to say goodbye. He suggested euthanasia was the most compassionate response. It was gut-wrenching. I was standing in Target sobbing and calling around looking for someone to come to the house that night to help my dog transition in peace.

During that situation and other, equally stressful situations, I found myself face to face with the reality that I use food to comfort myself. I longed for sugar, cream, grains... Cookies, basically. I stared at the brightly colored bags of treats and imagined what it would be like to eat them. To feel their crunch and sweetness and melting chocolate. I felt alarms going off in my head like an addict fighting to stay clean amid temptation. I pushed my cart through the store with eyes red from crying and left with my commitment to a clean diet intact.

Once at home, I made myself a bowl of chia seed pudding with coconut milk and cream, bananas, blueberries, and love. It satisfied and comforted me. It nourished me instead of making me feel sick and sad.

It's okay and good and right to feel comforted by your food. Food is medicine. Food is one of the truest joys in life. Learning to see food for what it really is has been an intense and eye-opening experience.

If you're looking to learn more about all of this, please go find a copy of the book, It Starts with Food. Written by a certified sports nutritionist, it's an absolutely fascinating and inspiring read.

Liana adds:  So make today the day you declare your independence from PMDD.  In addition to whatever treatment plan you are following, take a good, hard look at your food habits.  What you eat, when you eat, where you eat, and why you eat.  Read up on food and nutrition and how it all works to support and sustain your brain and body.  Do what you can to eat clean(er)—and feel the difference for yourself.  Become more body aware as you start to feel healthier. 

Make changes in small increments if that's the only way you can stick to a plan.  Baby steps. 

That's the way I did it, and, like Julie, my symptoms have eased to barely worth mentioning in the year and a half  I have been eating cleaner.  So much so that I haven't needed to take anything for anger, irritability, depression, mood swings or anxiety other than an extra 100mg of progesterone as needed.  (I wear an estrogen patch (.75.mg) and take 100 mg progesterone capsule at bedtime daily.  I take an added dose of progesterone (either via a second 100 mg capsule or a dime-size dollop of progesterone cream) on days when I feel symptomatic.)

Nutrition matters.  And you deserve to be nourished, not pacified.  So give cleaning up your diet a sincere effort, like Julie and I have.  There's nobody out there who can or even will do it for you.  It has to come from you.

Then, once you, too, feel stronger and have more stamina and energy—mentally, emotionally, and physically—you may be able, with the supervision of your medical practitioner, to be weaned from any substances (or situations) you have determined are making you feel worse...instead of better. 

And wouldn't that be something to celebrate?

Readers can find Julie on Instagram @hideadollar and can reach Liana either through posting a comment here or by emailing her at info (at) livingwithpmdd (dot) com.

PMDD - After the Hysterectomy

In my first post, I shared what it was like for us in the trenches with PMDD.  This installment, I want to discuss what happened after my wife's hysterectomy, or how we finally got to life without PMDD.

The decision, I remember, was discussed a handful of times regarding whether my partner should have a hysterectomy. I remember us doing a lot of due diligence on the topic, mostly surrounded around her health. We knew we were at peace with the idea that we would no longer be able to have children—we already had two beautiful, healthy kids and we were truly blessed. The larger conversations centered around "then what?" What are the guarantees? What are the potential complications? What if the surgery doesn't work and what would the domino effect be, knowing she just had her entire reproductive house torn down and she still had PMDD?!

The decision was ultimately hers. She decided it was worth the risk of everything we had discussed, knowing the reward would mean so much more.

She had her surgery. It went well and we were told there would be no major side effects, just 6-8 weeks or physical recovery time. All good, right?

Let's harken back to PMDD and how most of us, even doctors, are learning on the fly. I obviously wasn't prepared for the three months after surgery and how PMDD kept creeping into our lives. It wouldn't go down without a kick in the gut, a roundhouse right to the head, and headlock for good measure. One of the hardest battles lied ahead and I was not any wiser to what the hell it was—again my preparation—or lack of it—didn't matter.

My wife fought for three months after her surgery. It was probably just as hard as when she had PMDD. I remember the emotional strain it took on her—how her body would never be the same. How the same place that had housed our children for almost 10 months was gone. It was an emotional rollercoaster. The fights still existed, the threats of divorce were still present, and it seemed at times as if one of my fears had come true—IT DIDN'T WORK!

As each day went by I was looking for a ray of hope. After she was fully recovered physically (try more like 3 months, not 6-8 weeks) some normalcy started to happen and it felt odd. We were always waiting for the next fight to happen. I was always tracking her episodes on my iPhone, trying to prepare for the next hostile takeover. We went back and forth at times really questioning if the surgery worked 100%.

It was a long road back emotionally for my wife post-surgery. It was harder, and took longer than any of us expected. PMDD gave us one last fight and didn't go down quietly...why should I have expected it to?

For whoever reads this, I leave you with this: It can and will get better. There are options for you and your partner. You don't have to live this way any longer. I know it is easier to run like hell than to stand and fight. I chose to stand and fight when at times I wanted to run far, far away.

I leave you with three points to help get you through it all:

1) Remember why you fell in love with her. It will carry you at times through the muck even though the woman you fell in love with might be a shadow of herself during PMDD.

2) It's okay to feel the way you do, no matter how much you might feel guilty for feeling a certain way. Things will cross your mind during her PMDD episodes that will have you questioning your sanity. You will feel like snapping at times. You will feel like doing irrational things just in the hopes that your wrong behaviors or attitudes are not so much payback for PMDD, but a pathway between staying balanced and losing your mind.

Talk about the way you feel with others even if they might not fully understand it. Just letting it go and letting out a good cry is also therapeutic. Don't hold it in. Find an outlet for yourself too. Your health still matters.

3) Lastly...Don't give up. She needs you still. She is fighting a swarm of demons that she doesn't want around. She doesn't want this any more than you do. [Whichever treatment option(s) you choose] Work towards achieving healthy solutions for both of you. There are solutions out there. Do your homework, reach out to PMDD survivors and their peers, and never, ever give up Hope.

You are stronger than you ever realized, partner, and God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle. Call it cliché but it's true. You were built for this for now, but it is not yours or hers to live with forever.

Liana's note: For more information on the basics of PMDD, please read my posts Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men, and Confusion City.   Also worth reading are Top 20 Tips for Dealing with PMDD, and More Tips for Men Whose Partners Have PMDD.  All four posts are included in my book PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  For those who prefer to have all this information (and much more!) in one convenient place, it's the book with the blue cover at the top of the sidebar. 

PMDD, the Holidays, and Relationships

Going into the holiday season, often a time of stress in general, but especially so for PMDD women, who often can not predict how we will feel or how much energy or motivation we will have from day to day, I thought I'd revisit a few posts on relationships to remind us of what's important, what's not, and what we can do about it.

Here are the links to my series of posts about all sorts of relationships, because between now and when life settles down again in January, we'll most likely be dealing with more people than we do the rest of the year combined. So feel free to bookmark this page, and refer to it as needed :)

Relationships Begin With You

Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

HOW to be a Friend to Yourself

Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Choosing Your Family

How to Survive Family Gatherings

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Finding the Right Partner

Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

and, as a gentle reminder,

They Only See Our Failures

Take care, God Bless, and may your holidays be happy.

What Happened to Me?

For those who are curious, I've written about why I disappeared for a few months earlier this year.  The short version is brain surgery for two aneurysms we discovered by accident.  A longer version can be reached by clicking on my new Personal Stories link.  Thank you again for your prayers and well-wishes.  With your help and continued prayer, my recovery continues...

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.

Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.

This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.

Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.

Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.

Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.

You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?

Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.

The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”

They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.

The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.

Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.

But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.

If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.

Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.

If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.

If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….

It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

So think about that.

My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.

But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.

My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.

The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.

Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.

And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?

Think about that one for a while.

You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.

So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.

I’m talking about adults here.

When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.

If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.

Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)

That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.

Choosing Your Friends Wisely - Whether You Have PMDD Or Not

Okay, so we’ve learned that Relationships Begin With You, and that you need to be a friend to yourself before you can be a friend to anyone else, and that being a friend to yourself starts with slowing down and listening to yourself, mind, body, heart, and soul.

For instance, I’m late with this post because yesterday I was listening to my body and being good to myself. I woke up with a tremendous pain in my neck, one that had kept me up for most of the night, so I called my chiropractor first thing, made my first appointment in months, and then actually listened to him when he told me to go home and take it easy, instead of throwing myself headlong back into my life. I came home and took a three-hour nap, then spent the evening reading a book. This morning, I made sure I attended my Qigong (slow movement and stretching) class, knowing that would help to keep my positive healing energy going.

Was there a lot I didn’t get done? Yes. But do I feel 100% better? Yes. Much better than slogging through the day, trying to cross half a dozen more things off my to-do list before the holidays. Things that will still be there to do after the holidays. Right now, I need to take care of me, or I will be miserable over the holidays and no fun to be around at all.

So…that’s the difference that comes from listening to my body and attending to—instead of ignoring--its needs. Since I started doing this unfailingly, I haven’t had a PMDD episode to speak of. I’ve had a dip or two in mood that was quickly boosted by eating some whole-grain carbs, but other than that, life has been on a pretty even keel for several months now.

So today I want to talk about relationships with friends. A lot of women with PMDD have at one time or another isolated ourselves, because we don’t feel friends or family will ‘understand’ when we are having an episode, so it’s easier just to go into isolation and deal with it alone.

Easier, but is it healthier? Wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re still loved and people still want to be around you, even when you feel the most unloveable?

You do this by choosing your friends wisely. You do this by choosing friends who are patient, kind, and understanding. You do this by moving away from people who are not. As a PMDD woman, you need to look out for yourself, because nobody is going to do it for you. If this means ending or scaling back a few friendships and/or relationships, then so be it.

You have to do what is right for you. Why would you want to remain in a friendship that isn’t healthy for you?

You decide who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t. You don’t have to cut former friends out completely. You can simply put some distance between you--see them less often, speak less often, or speak only when you run into each other during social events--just don’t do anything one on one anymore.

Instead, surround yourself with the kind of person you would like to be. To me, that’s kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and loving. I’ve moved away from anyone who doesn’t embody the kind of qualities I want to see more of in my life. I’ve moved away from those who are negative, demeaning, demanding, needy, and live lives full of drama they create themselves.

Some people need a lot of drama in their lives to be happy. I’m not one of them.

I’m not saying you can only be friends with people who are the same as you…or people without any problems (is there such a person??)...not at all. I have many different friends, with all sorts of different lifestyles, problems, interests and beliefs--but they all hold the same caring qualities in common. They have patience and understanding, tolerance and compassion, and accept when I tell them I’m having an episode and can’t really participate in whatever is going on.

They allow me to talk about my PMDD openly, and even though they don’t understand it, and can not imagine what I am going through, they accept that I am going through something that is extremely painful, upsetting, and draining for me.

They don’t try to talk me out of it, tell me to get over it, tell me I’m being a witch or boring or no fun, or tell me to “smile,” “relax,” or “just cheer up.”

They let me be quiet when I need to be quiet, and understand if I say things that don’t quite make sense.

On my part, I feel it’s up to me not to snap at or lash out at these friends, and so I take full responsibility for that. If I slip, I apologize immediately, and explain that I am having a PMDD day.

Remember, your PMDD is an explanation, but never an excuse.

In this way I have created a circle of friends who might not understand fully what PMDD is about, but respect and understand that I know what’s going on, and if I say I’m having a bad day, then they accept that I am having a bad day, and don’t expect or ask for more than I am willing to give.

Sometimes I don’t feel like going out or meeting anyone at all. Sometimes I will go to whatever it is, a meeting, a dinner, a lunch, or church, and just sit there and be quiet. Sometimes I will openly talk about what I am feeling inside, and how it completely goes against the reality of my life. (Or how my inner thoughts reflect the opposite of what is going on in my life, and how that doesn't make any sense at all.)

My life is pretty darn good. I have been abundantly blessed in ways tangible and intangible. I have a supportive family, caring and understanding friends, a warm and comfortable home, work that fulfills me, and a son who has been well-trained to deal with a woman’s hormonal moods--while at the same time accepting no disrespect from me or any other woman because of those moods.

I didn’t always have these things. I’ve been working at it for ten years, slowly pruning away what needed to go, and moving into the forefront of my life what needed to stay for me to live the kind of life I want to live—calm, creative, fulfilling, and productive.

I lost touch with some friends along the way. But as I began to better understand myself, I gained new, more accepting and understanding friends.

Studies show that if you hang around certain kinds of people, you will become more like them. If you surround/align yourself with hard workers, you’ll work harder; if you surround yourself with positive people, you’ll be more positive; if you hang around with those who take an active part in maintaining their health and well-being, you’ll be more active and healthier overall; if you keep company with goal-oriented people, you’ll attain a few goals, yourself.

In general, if you hang around successful people, you’ll be more successful.

The flip side of that works just as well: if you surround yourself with complainers, you’ll complain more; if you surround yourself with people who like to overindulge in food, drink, toxic environments or substances, whatever; you’ll do more of the same. If you hang with people who do things you know are detrimental to your health and well-being, you’ll do more than you may personally want to, just to fit in.

So choose the people you want to be with carefully. If you want to be well, then make friends with those who are also trying to be well. If you want to complain, then make friends with those who complain. Either way, you will have friends…

But which friends are more likely to help you make progress toward successfully managing your PMDD?

Think about it, and then adjust your life accordingly. Listen to your body, notice how you feel before, during, or after you’re around certain people. Some people can get you churned up just thinking about being around them. Take time to notice who these people are in your life. Don’t just go through life on auto-pilot, accepting whatever comes your way. That’s probably what got you where you are today, and why you’re reading this post.

So slow down, come to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and then choose the rest of your friends wisely. One small step at a time.

Until you have the life you really want.

Overcoming Your PMDD Starts With Being Good To Yourself

I am a work in progress. One thing I have that a lot of people don’t have, or don’t make the time for, is self-awareness. I’ve been digging into this PMDD thing for so long that I’ve finally learned how to separate my real self from my PMDD self. How do I do this? I’m constantly checking in with myself to see how I am feeling, and trying to determine the reasons for why I am feeling the way I am—if it could possibly be my PMDD (based on where I am in my cycle) or if it’s something else.

In doing this, I’ve learned I’m super sensitive to just about everything I eat, drink, and breathe in. For instance, yesterday I went to get my hair cut. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and congested cough. Am I coming down with something? No. It’s a reaction to all the chemicals I inhaled while getting my hair cut. All I have to do is drink plenty of fluids today and I will be fine.

So I’m constantly weighing, measuring, sifting, adjusting. If I feel a little off, I ask myself—what’s new? What did I do differently today or yesterday? Where did I go that I don’t usually go? What did I eat or drink that I don’t usually eat or drink? What stresses did I encounter that I don’t usually encounter?

By constantly doing this, I’m able to detect patterns, and learn what (and who) to avoid. For instance, just going to church gets my sinuses flowing. I can smell the cloud of perfume ten feet away from the front door. The same thing can happen in restaurants, theatres, sporting or music events. This doesn’t mean I don’t go to those things. It just means I’m aware of what can happen, and if I feel a little funky afterwards, I know why.

I’m determined to live my life drug free. Because I feel this way, even taking two ibuprofen affects me as much as say, taking a narcotic painkiller would affect someone who isn’t used to it. Oddly enough, since the birth of my son--a major hormonal event--anything I take that is supposed to make me drowsy tends to have the opposite effect. I can’t take decongestants at all. Narcotics, like Tylenol with codeine, forget it. I’ll be up all night.

I’ve gotten so sensitive that even certain foods affect me strangely. It sounds crazy, I know, but what’s really happening is just a strong bio-chemical reaction that when processed in my brain affects my moods. So what is a natural physiological reaction to a substance, because of the imbalance in my hormones, manifests itself as a mood symptom. This can include irritability, weepiness, anxiety, lethargy, depression, or even euphoria.

I believe there are many women out there just like me. Women who perhaps aren’t blessed with the time and opportunities I have had to really sit down and be still long enough to try and figure out just what in the world is going on in their bodies and brains. We live in such busy times, running from one commitment to another, taking care of the loved ones in our lives, conditioned by our culture, society, and religious beliefs to serve others and place our own selves last.

This drastically affects our health and well-being, but since we are so busy all the time, we don’t have the time (or energy) to figure out what’s wrong, why we are feeling so out of kilter, maybe even miserable most of the time. And then our cycle kicks in, with our PMDD, and everything really goes haywire. We scream, we yell, we snap, and have wild mood swings. We lash out at loved ones and coworkers and store clerks and other drivers, and then, if we haven’t found a way or two to numb our conscience, we feel badly about our behavior and find ways to beat ourselves up and/or try to make amends if we can. We spend so much time trying to make it right with people, or beating ourselves up and engaging in even more destructive behavior, that we get even further run down and behind.

And then the cycle begins again. So we look for quick fixes, anything that will keep us in motion, fulfilling our commitments and obligations, keep us awake and moving long enough to get everything we need to get done in any given day done before we crash in front of the TV or into bed, exhausted, grateful that another day has ended and we have somehow survived.

It’s no way to live. So several years ago I made the effort to strip my life down to what’s important to me, and just focus on that. One of those things was my physical health and well-being. I figured if I could just take care of that—the rest of it would take care of itself.

Little did I know how difficult just doing that would be. It’s no wonder more people don’t take time out to do the same.

But I’m a persistent soul, and determined to figure this thing out. What I present here are things I have learned along the way. They might apply to you, they might not. Every woman is different, and due to her menstrual cycle, every woman is just a little bit different every day. That makes us mysterious and exciting, not bitchy and crazy. That makes us worth taking the time to get to know.

I’d like to take the time to get to know you, to hear your story, and find out what works and doesn’t work for you. I’d like to share those stories here and try to find common ground so that we can help each other to feel better if we can.

It can be done. It’s just that the information out there is so confusing and so conflicting. And we’re all so busy. It would be heaven if we could just Google PMDD and get the answers we need, find the quick fix, and get on with our lives.

But it doesn’t work that way. The first step, I have found, is to take the time to get to know yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Emotionally, because you have to know what emotions are being caused by your PMDD, and what emotions are normal and natural for you to be feeling. Contrary to popular belief, women are allowed to get upset, become irritated, annoyed, and angry. It doesn’t always have to be PMS or PMDD causing it, and we shouldn’t have to put up with snide comments about it being “that” time again, every time someone doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain and we express our disappointment in that.

It’s about accountability, and knowing yourself enough to know when it’s your fault, and when it’s not. I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in taking the blame for things that aren’t of my doing. I make enough mistakes on my own, without that added burden, thank you.

That said, I’ve come to realize that PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse, for why I do the things I do when I’m having an episode, and I still need to be held accountable for those things, to take responsibility for myself and my actions, no matter how badly I may be feeling. It’s up to me, and me alone, to sort out what’s the real me, and what’s my PMDD, and keep the two as separate as I can. You know how you feel like you’re a totally different person when you’re having an episode. You know that’s not you. It takes a lot of strength, determination and willpower to separate the two, and the effort can be exhausting. But it can be done.

For example, the past few weeks I’ve been feeling just plain blah. No energy, no willpower, no motivation. I wondered if it was my PMDD, just come to roost for a while, but no, PMDD comes in cycles. This had to be something else. My thoughts were validated when my PMDD did arrive, and whew! It was like the difference between night and day. For just a couple of days, I sank into that abyss, and knew the difference. Clearly, on those other days, there was something missing in my diet that needed to be boosted…what that is I’m still sorting out, but I now know that lethargy is not my PMDD.

But I also know my PMDD is not me. And so I’ve learned to separate the two, and set the PMDD aside when it comes. I know it’s there, and it would very much like to take over and run (ruin) my day, but I won’t let it. I acknowledge that it’s present, and that I’m not crazy, and I warn my loved ones that I’m having a bad day and it has nothing to do with them, but it would be best to avoid me for a day or two.

With that in place, I go about my business, and get as much done as my energy level allows. If I need to take a nap, I do it. If I need some quiet time, I take it. If I need to eat some carbs…I do it. Guilt-free. That’s the key. Never feel guilty about taking time to care for yourself. Would you feel guilty about taking care of someone else? Then why don’t you deserve as much care and comfort as they do?

I listen to my body and give it what it needs, without giving in to the wild emotional swings that wait in the wings, and without giving any air time at all to the negative thoughts swirling in my brain. That’s just my PMDD talking, I tell myself, and I refuse to listen to it.

So the next time it happens to you, give it a shot. Just take a deep breath and refuse to give in. You are stronger than your PMDD, and it’s time you let your PMDD know it. You can channel your rage and anxiety and depression into strength and calm and control with simple awareness and practice. It won’t be easy, not at first. It’s a lot easier to just give in and go with the flow. But where has that gotten you?

Think about it, and you’ll know.

Any time you’re feeling out of control, just go to any number of PMDD sites and vent. We know. We care. We understand. We won’t take it personally. We’ll help you through it…because really, we know all you want to do is vent and be heard.

And then, maybe, while you’re visiting one of the message boards, or blogs, you’ll come across a bit of info that makes the next time a little easier to handle.

Baby steps, is all I can say. Be good to yourself, and things will get better. I promise.

Even MORE Things A PMDD Woman Needs to Avoid to Feel Better

I really hate to be the continued bearer of bad news, but the list gets longer each day, which for a PMDD woman, can be pretty depressing.

But these posts can also help you to realize that, no, it's not all in your head, and yes, there are tangible things in your environment that are contributing to your PMDD. Things that you DO have some control over. The keys to managing your PMDD are awareness and positive choices, so today I'll address three more things you need to avoid if you want to feel better...in addition to those I wrote about in my previous two posts. (Please scroll down and check them out if you really want to know how to manage your PMDD.)

Processed Food -- I know it’s quick and handy and supposedly does the job of fueling your body, but by eating processed foods are you using the right grade of fuel for optimum health and well being?

NO.

The more naturally we eat, the better. We need to aim for foods that are as close as possible to their natural source. This means fruits, vegetables, nuts, seeds, lean meat protein, fish, eggs, whole grains, and some dairy. The same foods the general population needs to eat to feel better, but they are particularly helpful to a woman suffering from PMDD. Because PMDD women are extra-sensitive to everything we come in contact with, and everything that goes into our bodies.

One note of warning: Beware of the feel-good term whole grain. Read your food labels carefully. Just because the package says whole grain or whole grains on it does not mean what's inside is inherently good for us. Take for example fruit cereal bars, which make sure we know about the fruit and whole grain content in the bar, but neglect to mention the other things they contain, like corn syrup and other sweeteners and all sorts of big-word ingredients that are hard to pronounce.

When in doubt, the rule of thumb is: The fewer the ingredients listed on the package, the better the food inside that package is for you.

Low Fat Everything -- Fat in and of itself is not bad for you. It’s the quantity of fat consumed that can be problematic. Studies show that people who consume low-fat items tend to eat more of those items, which in the end causes them to consume more calories than they would have consumed had they eaten the regular item to start with

If only we’d all slow down, not eat so fast, let the original amount of (healthy) fat in food do its job and make us feel fulfilled.

So if you think you’re saving calories by eating low-fat ice cream or cheese or yogurt or snacks or cookies (not to mention a PMDD woman should avoid as much sugar as possible), think again.

Artificial Sweeteners – This is a biggie, and ranks right up there with low-fat items. Artificial anything is no good for a woman with PMDD, but artificial sweeteners are hell on a woman’s hormone system. You can either take it from me, who’s done the research for you, check out one of my favorite sites for women’s health issues in general, or check out these blogs on written specifically on the toxic effects of:

NutraSweet,
also known as
Aspertame,

and
Splenda

Splenda is also called sucralose, which is made by chlorinating sugar. Chlorine is another substance a PMDD woman needs to be careful to avoid, as it can wreak all kinds of havoc on your hormones, whether you soak in it or ingest it.

Here is one article on Splenda I particularly recommend:

You’ll have to decide how technical you want to get, so here are some more sites to choose from on the dangers of artificial sweeteners:

I’m not telling you what to do. Well, I am if you truly want to feel better, 100% of the time. If you want to feel better only part of the time, keep on drinking those diet sodas and eating those low-fat cookies, and eating those processed cereal bars for breakfast and snacks instead of some healthy oatmeal, or whole grain toast with no-sugar added jam. It’s up to you.

As someone has remarked, if you are what you eat, it seems the average consumer consists mostly of thickener, water, salt, and sugar. ~ Harvey Blatt, 'America's Food' (2008)

You are what you eat. Think about it. It’s not just a quote, or a quaint saying. It’s a warning. And one we’d all do well to take heed of, but those of us who suffer from PMDD especially.

But I never point out a problem without offering a solution as well. Here’s one place to find out exactly what you need to eat to have not only a healthy diet, but balanced hormones, and relief from your PMDD. When the article says eat less fat, it doesn’t mean eat low-fat and no-fat foods. It means just that….curb your intake of high fat foods. Cut down on portions. Don’t substitute fake food for the healthy fat you need.

Nobody says you have to give up all of these substances you have unwittingly incorporated into your diet on the same day, or all at the same time. Try it in stages. This week cut down on your diet soda consumption, next week (or month) try eating a healthier breakfast. Use some stevia to sweeten your food instead of sugar or Splenda. Next time you shop, buy regular cheese instead of low-fat. Try regular yogurt instead of low-fat, no-fat, or that overly sweet fruit on the bottom stuff. Change your refrigerator and your diet over slowly, one item at a time. In a few months, or even weeks, depending on how many changes you make, you’ll notice a substantial difference in the way your cupboards look, and the way you feel.

You are in charge of what you put into your body, and you alone.

Isn’t eating healthier worth feeling better?