The Voices of PMDD - My Ten Year Struggle With PMDD

A guest post, written by a fellow PMDD blogger.

I was 20 years old when I knew things were not quite right. After suppressing my ovarian cycle for 3 months my symptoms were resolved and it was very clear I had a serious intolerance to my own hormones. I was told this is a complex situation that would disrupt my daily/monthly activities. What did this even mean? I struggled to understand this at such a young age, comparing my life (or lack of it) with my friends and those around me. I didn't even know it was called PMDD at this stage. I struggled to maintain relationships with family/friends, struggled to have a balance of life and each month was very much half lived. There were many dark days, spent alone hiding from the world. 

My GP at the time was completely ignorant to the severity of my symptoms, so much so that I started seeing a walk-in GP who has now become my main GP. He referred me to the PMS Clinic at Chelsea and Westminster Hospital in 2012- finally felt I was speaking with gynaecological doctors who understood and could help. I was excited to be cured and rid of this illness and I couldn't wait to finally start living a normal life. However, I was told there is no easy way to manage this and every case is individual, with a trial and adjusted medication plan. I went through rounds of Zoladex injections (surpressing my periods) and different doses of HRT to try control the PMDD. Zoladex was my saviour, ridding all my symptoms. The HRT gave me many side effects, but nothing was as bad as the PMDD. The doses of HRT had to be constantly adjusted, side effects become more unbearable and I decided to withdraw from the Zoladex and HRT in December 2013. It took about 8 months for my periods to return. Initially, things didn't seem so bad, but the hormones built up and the PMDD was back. I didn't quite know what to do and I was reluctant to go back on the Zoladex and HRT. I tried several contraceptive pills over a period of months, with no hope of control-august 2016. 

November 2016 to March 2017 was a blur, the PMDD was back. I was in denial, hiding the symptoms, struggling with work, found daily routines a strain and disengaged with activities. I avoided speaking to anyone about as I knew the only hope at this stage was to go back on the Zoladex and try other forms of HRT or I consider a Hysterectomy. I was 29 and couldn't quite understand how I was meant to make such life decisions. The questions of relationships, marriage and kids were always avoided. Eventually the PMDD became so overwhelming, I knew I was in trouble-emotionally I had entered a really dark place and the fear forced me to get help. I remember the walk to see my GP knowing he would take control and get me the help I needed. A couple of weeks later I was back at the PMS Clinic at Chel/West Hospital, on the Zoladex (suppression of my own hormones) and a different form of HRT. I was so anxious about taking this treatment again, but I had no choice. 

So where am I now? Life has been good since April 2017. I turned 30 years old in June 2017. I survived 10 years with PMDD!! I have learnt to appreciate the role of the medication and see how normal, balanced and full of life I can be when PMDD is not in control. Life feels new, exciting, opportunities seem possible and I feel so much love and happiness. I feel alive! I am able to forward plan and make commitments. I have also learnt to trust those around me - my friends have held me up during the most recent bad turn and reminded me of the person that I truly am. I never thought I would have such a strong circle around me and I cannot express how their energy and presence has been my saviour. For the first time in years I have been able to open up about my condition and my worries of the treatment and future. However, I still fear the future, the unknown impacts of the HRT. It is still a fight. I still worry about sharing all this with a man—will he ever accept me? what happens if I am taken off the medication? I want to get married, have kids and be happy. The difficulty lies in trying to achieve all this, whilst dealing with PMDD, taking medication that is variable and if it fails, the decision of having a Hysterectomy. It's a life changing decision, especially when you haven't had your own kids. 

I wrote this account for my fellow PMDD sufferers—you are not alone. The best advice I can give you is to find a GP who listens to you and lean on your friends when you are at your lowest point. Do not allow yourself to be alone. Do not hide or be ashamed. Face the PMDD head on. Those around you will make the decisions for you when you are not able to—trust in them. The other advice I can give you is to live life. Do not self hate. Make the most of the good days, rejoice in experiences, build relationships and laugh. Make the decisions that you need to, that best suit you and your life, so you can find a way of truly loving yourself.

May is Mental Health Month - A Primer on PMDD

The following guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

Many women the world over experience the usual discomforts associated with the premenstrual cycle. PMS is a well-known condition that often includes irritability, bloating, and physical pain. But if you feel like PMS takes you out of commission every month, there may be more to it for you. Could you be one of the growing numbers of women who realize they are suffering from Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD? What many women, and indeed many doctors, do not know is that in 2013, PMDD was officially recognized as a mood disorder (this classification will have to do for now) experienced by about 10% of all women who menstruate.

Now word is getting out. So how do women who have PMDD discover they have it? PMDD is caused by a sensitivity to normal hormone fluctuations rather than a hormonal imbalance, and getting tested for hormone levels usually reveals nothing. Many women discover it when they are at their wit’s end, having tried birth control, antidepressants, and other treatments to target symptoms they often think are the result of something else…like bipolar disorder or depression. In fact, many women with PMDD report not only PMS-like symptoms that are extreme and debilitating, but also much more dramatic and difficult-to-manage changes in mood and thought patterns, often leading to misdiagnosis. But intuitively, they know there’s something about their monthly cycle that seems to be playing a role, so they begin to chart their symptoms.

These symptoms are numerous and vary from person to person but generally involve anxiety, increasing irritability, hypersensitivity of the senses, depression, rage and other uncontrollable emotions. Thoughts can become insistent and feel “uncharacteristic” to the person having them. It is as though the mind becomes polluted, distorting everything. PMDD also seems to exacerbate underlying medical conditions, making it unique to every woman and can include dizziness, sluggishness, bloating, heavy bleeding, and sore muscles. But by and large, it is the increasing loss of patience and intensifying irrationality that makes PMDD such a nightmare, not only for the women, but for the people they love.

In fact, many find that during the 10-15 days of their hormonal sensitivity, they lose interest in their partners…not just sexually, but often to the extent of detesting them altogether. Some report regularly breaking up with their partners on a monthly basis. This Jekyll and Hyde transformation wrecks havoc on relationships of all kinds, not just romantic ones. It’s difficult for mothers to parent and for employees to continue with duties as usual. Overwhelmed by fatigue, cravings, paranoia, or even suicidal thoughts, normal life remains out of reach until the sensitivity ends, usually with the onset of menses–though there is debate the sensitivity fluctuates for some women at other times in their cycle. What’s important to realize is that the symptoms do disappear, sometimes instantaneously, whether it is the day the menstrual cycle starts or several days later. And suddenly, things are back to normal…but often leaving a great deal of destruction behind. In fact, women with PMDD often feel as though they spend two or more weeks a month in hell and the other two or less making up for it.

Think you might have PMDD? Here’s what you’ll want to do:

1. Start by paying attention to your cycle and taking notes. Get yourself a pocket calendar or use and app like iPeriod or PMS Tracker. Then start keeping track. When do symptoms hit? When do they stop? What are the main symptoms and to what degree are they experienced? Do they progressively get worse? Think not just of physical symptoms. Consider your emotional and mental states as well. Are you more prone to tears or anxiety? Is it more difficult to think positively? Have others commented about a change in your mood?

2. Take several months of your notes with you to your doctor if you decide to take a Western approach. Explain that you think you may have PMDD. If he or she dismisses you, find another doctor–one who will help you determine whether or not you have it, explain your options (they aren’t all that great at the moment and there is no known cure), and work with you to help you cope.

3. Educate yourself and find additional support. As a relatively new disorder, there is still much to be discussed and researched about PMDD. Read up on it online and talk to others who have it. Women who realize they have a condition with a name to it are usually very relieved when they realize they are not alone…and not crazy! Facebook has several groups, both open and closed, including a support group for family members of PMDD sufferers that offer insight, coping strategies, the latest science, and a safe place to vent.

If you do indeed have PMDD, now that you know, you can give yourself the support you need to get through it. It may call for changes in your diet, supplements, exercise and meditation, or even medication. And if you don’t have it? Chances are you know someone who does, and she might not realize what it is. So share what you’ve learned with others and help spread the word about PMDD.

Great News! PMDD Tied to Sex-Hormone Reactive Genes

Today's guest post welcomes author Eryn Speers' unvarnished reaction to the news that National Institutes of Health (NIH) researchers have discovered molecular mechanisms that may underlie a woman’s susceptibility to disabling irritability, sadness, and anxiety in the days leading up to her menstrual period.  I couldn't have said it better myself, which is why I asked permission to reprint Eryn's original Facebook post here.  

The bottom line is this NIH discovery is good news for us all.  Please be sure to watch the five minute video (link provided) at the end.

I have been through the gambit, had my moments of doubt, and a few good months where I thought I was "free" of PMDD. Chalking it up to stress, or difficult times, only to have it return with a vengeance. In my frustration I began my research again, shaking my head every time I ended up down the same road: eat clean, eliminate sugar and caffeine, get your hormone levels checked, get acupuncture, see a naturopath, try anti-depressants and Cognitive Behavior Theory. The list goes on and on, as we know. What I, myself, have come to realize, is that all this conflicting information just makes it all worse. That's why I am taking this new research as a cue to stop blaming myself, and to stop listening to all the noise and babble about what the "correct" treatment of PMDD is. While it's a good idea for anyone to reduce sugar intake, exercise regularly, and investigate possible food sensitivities - these things will make anyone feel better in general, but to continue to go in circles just adds stress to what is already a stressful situation.

I hope this new research helps others to do the same. Yes, it means we still suffer until they find a way to use the info to come up with a therapy that targets the actual cause of the problem, as opposed to the symptoms. However, at least those of us who are desperate and tired of trying everything to no avail, can try to find some hope in knowing that they are really working on it.

This is a disorder on a cellular level, and I am ready to accept whatever treatments they come up with in order to get my life back. My hope is that those of you who are very anti-pharma will try to trust, for a while, and give yourself a break from feeling that the only one who can correct the problem is you.

This puts so much undo pressure on us, and also nurtures an environment of pessimism and fear. We deserve to feel better! This problem is not caused by us. This is not a matter of poor diet or lifestyle choices, or a hormonal imbalance. All we can do right now is cope as best we can, and we're all doing that.

We're here to support one another, and I feel that we should all encourage one another to stay open to the possibilities as the research advances. Please, I implore you to keep trying new therapies until you are finally free of this awful disease. If you want to take anti-depressants in the meantime because they help, great! If you want to take birth control, or stay 100% natural in your efforts to get through and lessen the severity of your symptoms - also great!

However, please don't let the way this disease makes you feel hopeless and useless allow others to tell you exactly how to approach your own health. Don't let the fear and skepticism of others stop you from trying a drug that has been specifically developed to treat this issue in the future. They ARE working on it.

Please watch the video, and find hope.

Have faith! ~ES

Sharing the Sisterly Love - A Report From the 2nd Annual National Association for PMDD Conference in Philadelphia

The 2nd annual National Association forPre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (NAPMDD) conference was like no other, ever, anywhere. Since continuing medical education credits were offered this year, they had a wide array of medical professionals present, both at the podium and among the attendees—all of them discussing Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, a disorder that affects women around the world with life-altering symptoms that revolve around their menstrual cycles.  Clinicians from all fields of PMDD treatment shared what they knew, what they believed, what they had discovered, what could be proven, and what worked for their patients.

For a research geek like me, it was sheer heaven. Nowhere else on earth would I find one location with so many dimensions of medical care for PMDD represented—and openly exchanging ideas, some of them rather heatedly. But to witness a public forum of medical professionals discussing the disorder I have suffered from for over forty years was a dream come true.

My deepest gratitude and admiration goes out to NAPMDD Executive Director Amanda LaFleur and her tireless board of women determined and dedicated to doing all they can to promote awareness and open discussion of a disorder we have suffered from in silence, confusion and neglect for more than the 70 years since it was discovered. In Philadelphia, on the 51st floor of a building overlooking the beautiful City of Brotherly Love, psychologists, psychiatrists, social workers, endocrinologists, gynecologists, medical researchers, reproductive hormone specialists and other PMDD advocates gathered. Several speakers commented that they’d only seen PMDD from their specialty’s perspective until this conference, and they appreciated the opportunity to hear other points of view, as it brought up ideas they had never before considered, and made their PMDD picture more complete.

Surprisingly enough, one thing everyone in the room during a particularly dynamic discussion of treatment options agreed on—the name needs to be changed and the designation of ‘dysphoric’ dropped, to remove PMDD from the realm of mental illness. PMDD is a biological disorder, not a mental one, and needs to be treated as such, and not with the current cache of psychotropic drugs designed to alter the mind.

That was my major takeaway from the conference. No, you are not crazy. That alone made it worth the price of admission.

I also attended last year’s NAPMDD conference in Denver. I would say the major takeaway from that conference was: You are not alone. Between the two conferences, I now have something I didn’t have the first forty years of my life with PMDD: Hope—if not for a cure in my lifetime, then at least for a reliable answer as to what causes PMDD and the best way to treat it. Nearly everyone I heard speaking on the subject, with only one notable exception, said antidepressants and/or birth control were not the answer for treating PMDD, but merely band-aids used to mask the symptoms, which can (and do) rebound worse than ever when this faux treatment stops.

But take heart. Caring professionals are out there studying PMDD diligently. Others want to learn all they can about PMDD, to be able to treat their patients correctly and with compassion. This is progress like my generation merely dreamed of. I am truly energized with hope for the growing number of women still in their childbearing years, struggling with this debilitating disorder. Now, thanks to NAPMDD, there’s a chance you won’t have to suffer like so many women who have come before you, shuttling from doctor to doctor to doctor, being misdiagnosed and mistreated, being told “It’s all in your head” or having your concerns completely dismissed because the doctor had no clue what you were talking about. Not to mention being used as a human guinea pig for countless medications we now know don’t work for PMDD, because while they may aid in suppressing some symptoms, they do not address the root biological cause of what is happening to you.

The second part of the conference was all about support and social networking. Last year, I think we were all simply relieved to meet “other people like us.” This year, we had many return attendees. Instead of anxious, relieved and emotional women dominating the conference landscape like last year, this year we had a strong squad of empowered women who returned to speak about their successes (and failures) in managing their PMDD, and to provide support and resources to those attending for the first time. Many new attendees brought mothers, sisters, friends or partners for support, and it was beautiful to see. The atmosphere was just as warm and welcoming as last year, if not more so. The Gia Allemand Foundation Reception Friday night was open to the public, and provided a fantastic opportunity to meet and mingle with both attendees and speakers. 

At the reception I had a fangirl moment when a PMDD researcher I’ve admired for years sat at our table and I told her, “I have a special binder full of all of your studies.” In exchange, she told us how she got into PMDD research and how inspired she is by the increasing awareness of PMDD in the medical community. Other highlights of the weekend include a tour of Philadelphia on a double-decker bus with ten other conference participants, exchanging ideas over breakfast with fellow speakers and drinks and snacks at the Tap House with Executive Director Amanda and our wonderful videography team at BKN Creative. I returned home with friendships I know will last a lifetime.

So the conference is not just about exciting news and taking notes. It’s also about having fun with friends and creating a network of support and resources you can count on during the hard times.

If you missed the conference this year, join NAPMDD to stay in the know, which will provide you with access to the videotaped presentations of both the first and second national conferences, to discover this information for yourself. The cost is $36 and well worth the price of admission. There is also a free membership, but that does not provide access to the videotapes; you’d have to buy them separately.

Knowledge is power, and knowing all of your options can empower you to seek proper treatment for your PMDD, and to stand up for yourself when you meet a medical professional that refuses to believe or work with you to find the individual solution that works best for you. With the information from these videos, you have the tools you need to be your own best advocate.

For more information on NAPMDD and how to attend their next conference, go to NAPMDD.org.

A PMDD Valentine: Not All Chocolates Are Equal

For Valentine's Day, a post about chocolate (and a few other things), first written in 2009, but updated and still relevant today.

Having come freshly off a week of spending up close and personal time with my evil twin, who kicked my butt so badly the last day she was here I had to take a three-hour nap in the middle of the day, on top of getting a full night's sleep, today I feel uber-qualified to write about how it feels to experience PMDD. The thing is, now that the episode (aka her latest visit) is over, it's the last thing I want to think about.

I look around and see all that didn't get done over the week, the laundry piling up, the floors that need to be cleaned, the clutter of all I didn't feel up to coping with and simply set aside, and would much rather regain some semblance of control over my life—if only its external appearance—than write about the dark place I inhabited for eight full days and change this time around.

Why such a long visit this time? I think I know. I think it had something to do with my recent road trip: the stress of travel, the staying up later than usual, sleeping in strange environments, the change in diet, the miniscule amount of alcohol consumed, although in comparison to my usual alcohol intake, it was a big jump. Add that to the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed while on the road, the pasta-heavy fare at the conference, and I think I'm getting the picture. At home, I'm usually alcohol and caffeine free-or close to it. An occasional cup of coffee, usually one cup of caffeinated tea in the morning, if I feel the need, and chocolate only when "the cravings" come.  I hadn't had pasta or bread in weeks before the conference.

Why? All of these are bad for women with PMDD. Caffeine, alcohol, sugar, flour, hence the bread and pasta. But why am I so sensitive to their effects? I know women who practically live on caffeine and sugar, others who drink freely, others who love their bread and pasta. Is it possible they feel as miserable as I do, or more so, but deny their misery and continue to self-medicate with food and drink?

Because attempts to self-medicate is what these addictions (for lack of a better word) are. My research is showing there are very few true physical addictions in life. Most compulsions are emotionally or psychologically based. Only in rare cases is an addiction physiological.

That's not to say we can't get cravings. But cravings are cravings, temporary urges for some kind of substance to relieve our mental, emotional, or physical discomfort. Cravings are not addictions, although when you are in the throes of one, it can feel like an addiction. But as someone writing a book on dealing with addiction recently pointed out to me, "You're not going to stick a gun in someone's face for a piece of cake."

Cravings are the body's signals that some physiological need is not being met. You're low on some vital nutrient, to be exact. Your body is saying, for instance, "I'm low on magnesium," and you feel a sudden urge to eat a banana, or some almonds, maybe some oatmeal, or, yes, some chocolate.

Chocolate is one of the best known substances we crave. What confuses the issue with chocolate is not only its physical healing properties (of which there are many), but its emotional associations. We associate chocolate with feeling good. But not all chocolate is equal. Some are better for us than others. Much better. Others are almost useless, physiologically speaking. In the example above, a banana would provide as much magnesium as a 1.5 ounce chocolate candy bar, but a handful of almonds or cashews would provide almost three times as much magnesium as either the banana or candy bar.

So why do we reach for chocolate? It's as much for the emotional fix as the nutrients needed. More confusion arises when we don't know the difference between types of chocolate, due to the marketing and advertising claims of their manufacturers. Manufacturers is the key word here. Quality chocolates from true chocolatiers abound with the beneficial properties of chocolate. True dark chocolate is a rich source of flavanoids and antioxidants, with the cacao bean containing more than twice as many antioxidants the so-called superfoods like blueberries, kale, spinach, or broccoli.

It's the cheap, mass-marketed brands that—while they may contain tiny amounts of chocolate's beneficial properties—have processed most of the antioxidants and flavanoids right out of the chocolate. To derive any benefit from eating these lower quality chocolates, you need to eat way more than is healthy for you. When this happens, the negatives outweigh the positives—and you could end up outweighing all your friends.

If that's not enough, did you know that adding milk to your chocolate, or even drinking milk with your chocolate can negate its good effects?

Meanwhile you're bewildered, thinking, "Chocolate is supposed to be good for me, right? Milk is supposed to be healthy for me. Isn't that what the ads say? By eating chocolate and drinking milk, I'm doing something good for my body, right? So why do I feel so miserable?"

Because all the chocolate in the world isn't going to solve your problems, honey, and while I may crave it like mad at times, neither is it going to make my PMDD go away. For all its mood-enhancing abilities, even the finest Belgian chocolate won't "cure" dysphoria.

Dysphoric is the opposite of euphoric. Euphoric means happy, dysphoric means depressed. As in depression. But only pre-menstrually, which I suppose can be considered a blessing.

In some atypical cases, however, the dysphoria can come AFTER a woman begins her period. Lucky me, I'm atypical. Mine usually starts on Day 3, if it's going to come. It doesn't always come. Which is what drives me batty, trying to keep on top of what I need to do—or to avoid—to keep it from returning.

I lead too full and rich a life to keep being knocked flat by this unwelcome change in my body. It makes me feel like I'm constantly behind—on everything.

As women, we all know "it will never get done," but to have something come along and steal a full week or more out of your month, something that no matter what you do or don't do seems to be totally beyond your control...it's more than frustrating. It's crazymaking.

I'm here to tell you you're not crazy. I'm here to tell you there are scientifically proven physiological reasons for why you crave the things you do—like carbs—and what happens to your body as a result of that. I'm here to tell you there's help, and hope, but it's far from easy, living in a body that seems to have a will of its own at times, and a manufacturing and marketing culture that promotes unhealthy foods as healthy because of their base ingredients, while completely ignoring the toxic effects of their processing processes.

That said, the first step is to forgive yourself for falling short of your own expectations, and to understand that what is happening to you is as involuntary a response as an allergic reaction. You cannot control it. You can try to soften it, to be sure, by living a universally healthy lifestyle (once you understand what that truly is) but you cannot control it.

Nor can you deny it and simply plow through it, as most women do. We have commitments, responsibilities, schedules, and deadlines. We have people counting on us to be there for them.

But first, we have to learn how to be there for ourselves. My book PMDD and Relationships, addresses this topic in detail. I can hit on a subject here and there in a blog post, but the book...the book covers it all, from start to finish. And if you are a partner here looking for information about PMDD and how to live with the woman you love: PMDD: A Handbook for Partners is for you. Click on the book covers in the sidebar for more information.

So be good to yourself today, and every day, and when it comes to chocolate—insist on the good stuff. 

Because you are most definitely worth it.

Happy Valentine's Day, all!

Remember: When it comes to chocolate, the darker, the better.  You might have to work your way up to it (I'm now at 70% cacao), as it can taste bitter at first.  But the darker it is, the better it is for you (and your blood pressure!).  And don't drink milk with it because that interferes with your body's ability to absorb the antioxidants in the chocolate and therefore dims its beneficial/healing effects.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.   More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

PMDD: A Handbook for Partners

At the request of my readers, I have written a PMDD book especially for partners of women with PMDD:

PMDD: A Handbook for Partners  

Does your wife or girlfriendʼs personality change drastically every month? Like clockwork? Youʼre far from alone. It could be Pre-Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD, a debilitating hormonal disorder which affects 3 - 8% of women in their fertile years, including many using birth control. PMDD is what makes it seem like sheʼs gone Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on you once, sometimes twice a month. Sometimes even for half of each month or more.

Inspired by the most-read posts in the blog Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD, this book is for the partners of women with PMDD. Inside you will find insights as to what is going on in her mind during her seemingly inexplicable bouts of confusion, irritability, anger, rage, fear, anxiety, sadness and/or despair, what contributes to her state of emotional chaos, and tips on how to cope with and care for the woman you love during these, her most vulnerable days of the month.

Thereʼs no need for you to ride the rollercoaster of PMDD like you do. There are ways to help her manage her PMDD. Let this book help you to do just that, and find peace in the midst of the wildly careening emotions that PMDD brings into your relationship and life.

On sale now for Kindle at Amazon.  Introductory price of $4.99.  Available in print from Amazon as well for $9.99.  More than 200 pages of information and understanding about what itʼs like to be caught up in the unpredictability of a relationship with a woman who has PMDD, and what you can do about it.

PMDD Wisdom for the Holidays and Beyond

I received two excellent comments from readers this week, both of them spot on, and rather than leave this straightforward wisdom buried in the comments section at the end of an older post, I thought I'd bring it front and center for your consideration.  Please keep these comments in mind as we move into the craziest and most emotion-filled time of the year, and may your next six weeks be filled with more peace and understanding because of it:

Here’s some advice for anybody who lives with a woman experiencing PMDD from somebody who has it herself: If you suddenly find that the woman you live with is irritable, seems distant, or has actually left to be by herself, leave her alone! She’s not mad at you, you didn’t do anything wrong. If you follow her around, touch her, stare at her, and ask her questions when all she needs is to be by herself for a bit, you’re going to piss her off. Look at the calendar. Is she premenstrual? Yes? Then that is your explanation for her behavior. She doesn’t need to explain it to you every month. She doesn’t want to talk about it. This is super predictable, guys. I know you may see her not feeling well and worry about her and your natural reaction is to touch and comfort and find out what’s wrong. For the love of all that is holy, just leave her alone. She can’t control how she feels and she doesn’t like it either. Don’t make it worse. She most likely already feels terrible you have to deal with her. :(  ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

Guys. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I have PMDD. I get how you would think that if your wife/girlfriend can keep it together at work that you would think you are not her top priority. But, consider this. What if she is a mess around you because you and your kids are everything to her? Think about it. Work is important, but it’s just a job. Friends are important, but they are just friends. Wanting to be a good wife and mom is everything to most women I know. Personally, I find it challenging, if not impossible, to be a good wife and a good mom at the same time. Both roles require completely different demands. This is stressful. So then, take into account that when your wife is premenstrual, she has lost her ability to cope. She’s so stressed out and so overwhelmed she cannot deal with anything. It’s upsetting when the toast is taking too long to pop up let alone the child who is screaming because she said he can’t play with the electrical cords. So, it’s hard. We care so much about being a good wife and mom, that when we can’t be, we feel incredible guilt. We are incapable of being loving, fun and efficient all time and feel so bad about it that we think you and the kids would be better off without us. These feelings can affect us physically to the point that we can’t fulfill any of our roles. If we didn’t care about being a good wife and mom, it wouldn’t stress us out. When we’re premenstrual, we can’t handle the stress.
If that’s not the case with your wife, there’s another explanation. If she’s at work all day and comes home to you and the kids at night, that means she has spent the whole day trying so hard to not be a monster. This is exhausting. There is so much she wants to do and say, but she can’t. She holds it in. Coming home to the demands of being a wife and mom put her over the top, she has nothing left. She just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s not that you aren’t her top priority, it’s that when she has time with you, she literally has nothing left to offer.
Another reason would be that work is validating for her. She's probably good at what she does, and she gets a paycheck for it. There's a reward and purpose and it feels good to be a good employee. There is not much that makes you feel good about being a wife and mom. If the house is messy, you don't know what to make for dinner, dinner sucks, laundry isn't done, etc., it's easy to feel like a subpar wife. If your 3 year old isn't potty trained, your 15 year old doesn't know how to load a dishwasher, your kids watch too much t.v., your kids eat nothing but junk, your kids fight, your kids don't obey, you forgot your tooth fairy duties, etc., it's easy to feel like a failure as a mom. It's not hard to feel inadequate at home. Maybe the "needed benefit" for her going to work is that she feels good about herself the 8 hours she's there, and that 8 hours is what gets her through the other 16 every day.
There you have three explanations. I hope this gives you insight on what you’re wife might be thinking. We’re all different, but it was sad for me to hear you think you’re not a priority or of less importance to your wife because for me, it’s the opposite. It’s the anger and frustration and questioning of our love for you that gets us stuck in depression. Try responding to her with love. If she comes home from work a crazy angry person, or if you come home from work and she’s clearly irritable, that would be a good time for you to say, “Kids, Mom doesn’t feel well. Come to me for everything you need. Let’s clean up your toys, I’ll help with homework, I’ll feed you dinner, I’ll give you baths, I’ll put you to bed.” Just try it. See how much sooner she feels better. She needs to know you love her even though she’s having a bad day. I know it’s a lot of work to do everything at home after you’ve worked so hard all day, but contemplate this: If you get divorced or she kills herself, which is something women with PMDD think of often, you’re going to be doing everything every day anyway for the rest of time. ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

PMDD, A Conversation with Someone Who KNOWS

Trust the process that got you here to get you through.

For today's post, I have taken a rather lengthy reader comment from one of my previous posts and re-formatted my reply to resemble a question and answer session, because, as you will see, the original comment touched on several  questions/ideas many of us have wondered about over time. 

By answering the reader here, I can reach more people.  So here goes:

Hello, Liana, 

I can't thank you enough for having the courage to put this blog out there and then be honest and specific about your symptoms and coping mechanisms as it relates to them. You wrote "No egg, no sadness. Woo hoo! Party time!" which just explained to me why some months feel suicidal and some months LIFE IS WONDERFUL!

Hard not to think one is crazy when all of this bullshit is happening.

Hello, T!  Welcome to my blog, and thank you for taking the time to write, especially in such detail.  I appreciate your affirmation and support.  And yes, the "no released egg, no symptoms" aspect of PMDD tends to throw just about everybody off and make countless women doubt their sanity.  Especially in our later years, as we begin to release fewer and fewer eggs.

It would almost make it bearable if there was a higher purpose to it, a reason why.

I've thought that same thing many times.  One day I decided the higher purpose to my PMDD is to write about it.  I spent many years thinking I was crazy, and then, finally, it hit me that "Surely there must be others out there like me, who think they are crazy.  I need to let them know (through writing about my PMDD experiences and research) that they are not."

So my blog was born during a five month period when my book editing business was slow.  I had three website pages completed before I realized the website was too static, and I needed to do a blog.  20 blog posts later my business picked up again and it's been a struggle to find time for my PMDD research and writing ever since. 

For a few years, I let my research slide.  No time.  Then, when I was ready to start up again, I had to re-do all of my research, in case new information had surfaced while I was busy doing other things.

And it had.  In the past two years, the news about PMDD has increased exponentially.  I get a Google alert every other day about someone writing something about PMDD.  So I go there to check it out.  Because, as many of us have learned the hard way, you can't trust just anything you read on the internet.  There are a LOT of supposed health sites that have jumped on the PMDD bandwagon, just to pull in readers.  Sites that I can now pick out when (because I've been researching PMDD for over a decade) they don't understand the first thing about PMDD.  Old information recycled as new, some information slanted to achieve a certain goal or just plain false, but enough of the article close enough to known facts to confuse someone new to the subject....

Anyway, I decided my mission/higher purpose would be to sort out the fact from fiction, and publish my findings here and elsewhere.

I haven't gotten to the elsewhere part yet, due to family and work obligations, and then, in 2013, there was my surprise brain surgery. 

But back to your comments:  I don't see a lot of people mentioning ANXIETY! as a symptom but it sure is one of mine, a surge of cortisol and other hormones so big it triggers obsessive violent thoughts and then it all subsides once period time gets here.

Anxiety is a huge problem for a lot of people.  I'm not sure if I'm one of them, mostly because I manage my environment around my PMDD,  so I don't put myself in situations that feed my anxiety.  But my anxieties are different from those of others, because there are a LOT of things I think nothing of, that terrify others.  And some things that terrify me, that don't bother others at all.

Educate yourself, learn to love yourself in spite of all the shit your head comes up with; there is some putting up with [this shit] that goes along with [PMDD].

I couldn't agree more, and that is what my blog is about.  I've sifted through probably 90% of the current information on the internet and in books relevant to PMDD and put the best of it on my blog.  If not in the posts, then on the sidebars, where there are links to all sorts of good resources.

For the men, if you love the woman, get educated about this as much as you can, I strongly recommend reading "Female Brain Gone Insane" by Mia Lundin.

I agree completely, and have a link to that same book in the sidebar of my blog.  Another excellent read is The Female Brain, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

In it [Ms. Lundin] sheds tremendous light on this subject and offers great natural suggestions for relief,  but the only way out [of PMDD] is [to go] through it. [That] doesn't mean you guys take any abuse, but for the love of everything that is holy do not get confrontational—rather go for a walk or something.

Again, I agree 100% and have written three blog posts specifically for the partners of women with PMDD. 

For the ladies thinking hysterectomy as an end to this, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.  It is the easy way out and when the storm-tsunami-holocaust of this mess passes you will need those eggs!  Hysterectomy is the first thing OBGYN offers because it is a money maker.

I agree in that I believe most hysterectomies to lessen the horror of PMDD are unnecessary, and find it very saddening that there are so many women willing to die early (because hysterectomies do shorten your life span), risk their lives with major surgery, and take the very real chance that the operation won't help your PMDD symptoms at all if they don't take out your ovaries as well.  Also, when you get a hysterectomy, you go on hormone replacement therapy afterward, which just messes with your hormones all over again.  I would LOVE to hear from women who have had a hysterectomy for PMDD (not any other reason) and found it to be worth the risk, cost, lost time, health complications, and shortened life span in the end. 

I know your PMDD symptoms make you feel desperate, but I do not believe a hysterectomy is the answer.  Neither does Winnifed B. Cutler, PhD, and her reasons why are outlined in her book, Hormones and Your Health, also pictured in the sidebar of this blog. 

Please, please, ladies, do your research before you make this life altering decision.  Don't let emotion guide you, but rather the facts.

Of course all I have said is from personal experience and is easier said than done. So  please, please, please, take what you like and leave the rest.

To that I add, if you have already had a hysterectomy for your PMDD, just start where you are with improving your health and living the best and fullest life you can for the rest of your days.  Good nutrition, rest, exercise, and lowering stress are a recipe for better health for everyone, not just those of us with PMDD or hormonal mood disorders.

Pray a lot! Talk it out, DO NOT ISOLATE. This monster wants you in a corner and it wants you dead or to make you hurt someone else and usually that someone else is a loved one, although strangers can get a backlash too.

She nails it, don't you think?  PMDD is a monster determined to bend you to its will, and do as much damage as it can to your world along the way. 

I take megadoses of vitamin C, to bowel tolerance and after a few months, something inside is building back up, [and my] energy is slowly starting to come back, [but] JUST FOR TODAY.

One day at a time.  It's all any of us can do.  But vitamin C is a great place to start. 

I am 48 now. Something new is I get my period twice a month for the last two months and I feel my ovaries churning when an egg is released. I also feel hard in the lower belly before [my] period starts (something new).

I, too, get my period more often now.  Every three weeks instead of four. And I can feel when I ovulate as well.

In addition I want to shed some light from another blog I read, women who go through this, usually have had some early trauma in their lives (even or especially if they don't consciously remember) and then, spiritually speaking, the pain (stuck energy) is trying to work itself out of your body through the horrors of PMDD (just something to think about).

Don't sell yourself short, T.  I believe this can be the case as well.  And there have been scientific studies that prove a correlation between a traumatic childhood, childhood trauma in general, and sexual abuse and PMDD.  I plan to write more about it one day.  But for now I will say that for me personally, my PMDD and then period at the end of the cycle is like a huge purging of all that has distressed me in life and not yet been dealt with.  I used to let it take control.  No more.  Now I basically make note of what comes up during that time and deal with it when I'm feeling strong enough to handle it like a responsible adult. 

As for you Liana, you are the first person [to] have actually made feel and believe to the core of my being that this is not forever, that in fact "this too shall pass" and that I am not bad or crazy or being punished by the gods for all of my sins of being an imperfect human.

You are correct.  PMDD does not last forever.  It ends with menopause.  (It does, however, get worse during perimenopause if left untreated.)

You are not bad.

You are not crazy.

And you are not being punished for any sins.

I can't thank you enough and these posts in and of themselves are very cathartic. This is such an amazing twisted, enlightening, terrifying process, that I even wrote poetry a few years back and I never wrote a poem in my life...it is as if the garbage [we] accumulate over a lifetime is trying to get out of you and your true beautiful Self is trying to shine through.

Every woman's experience is different, but yes, writing or journaling about your PMDD can be extremely cathartic, and like I said above, I have long felt that my PMDD brings to the surface many things I tend overlook/avoid/suppress during my "good" times... either out of fear, denial, or the desire to avoid a confrontation.  I have read so many Facebook posts where women describe having a meltdown and then take the blame for the entire incident and don't even realize or acknowledge that the other person was yes, indeed, being a jerk.  (And that anyone in that same situation would have a right to be upset.)  It's always the PMDD that takes 100% of the blame, and not the 50% actions of the other party. 

Ladies, it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break one.  It's that simple.

So stop blaming your PMDD for every confrontation/mishap that happens in your life.  Other people do mean and stupid things too...what is their explanation?

Because PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.  If you take nothing more away from this blog post than that, you will be doing something positive for yourself in 2015.

And now, a fitting farewell from our special guest interviewer, which I think sums up what many of us are feeling and experiencing.

Because [of] ALL OF YOU, I feel less alone, less insane and more hopeful. Something that comes HARD to me, but that I am working on is: SURRENDER, ACCEPTANCE AND TRUST.

As are we all; me, as well.  At the moment, I am working on exactly those three things.  Starting January 1, I've taken a 6-month hiatus from my income-generating work to focus on my PMDD blog and books, and it's going to take a lot of surrender, acceptance, and trust to see this whole thing through.

But letters like T's have convinced me it's the right thing to do.

That said, I join T. in wishing you all love and light and tons of resilience, faith, and strength in the coming year.  Happy 2015, ladies, and may it be the year YOUR beautiful Self shines through!
Blessings,

Liana

PMDD and Making Hard Choices, a Guest Post by Kit

In my Voices of PMDD series, we spent the summer of 2014 hearing from women with PMDD and their partners, through blogposts describing the struggles and challenges they face monthly.  Going into fall, I'd like to focus on some solutions various women with PMDD have found.  Since every woman's PMDD is different in the symptoms she feels and the severity of those symptoms, not every suggestion regarding relief will work, but I offer these posts in the hopes that something will strike a chord somewhere, and at least put you on the path to lessening your PMDD pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual.

Today's guest post is written by Kit, and comes filled with great wisdom, and several positive choices for feeling better.  That said, here's Kit: 

Apart from feeling a little tense/dramatic during ovulation weekend and a little teary the day before my period began, this month has been so easy. My symptoms have been getting better over the last two years. When I look back to how badly PMDD used to affect me (3 out of 4 weeks), chronically suicidal most months, I just can't believe how it is now...

Here is how I choose to live now compared to before.

BEFORE

Chose boyfriends who didn't understand, sympathise, and had their own crazy issues going on — boyfriends I chose, so I'd feel less F'd up and—ironically—more equal.

Had friends that took from me and drained me because PMDD makes it hard to create continuity of self and therefore friendships can be tricky. So when they took, drained, and crossed boundaries ... I rolled with it—thinking I should be grateful for their friendship. 

Thought of myself as having this big secret from the world that I couldn't control and was ashamed of. I spent a fair amount of time thinking about what others would think, especially when I was ill.

Shut myself away for weeks on end to protect the life I had just spent weeks building again.

Tried hormonal medications, anti-depressants, and supplements, all of which gave me side effects and changed the flavour of the PMDD to the point of not being worth it.

Worked 9-5 in a high-powered job, with a boss with questionable ethics, which made me ill via the ethical distress and stress of my workload, while spending 4 weeks a month trying to be the same person every day.

Generally believed I couldn't make a change from any of these because it would be impossible. How could I maintain my relationships, jobs, family, etc. if I tried to change all the above?

NOW

I chose a partner with understanding, tolerance and, most importantly the willingness to co-manage my PMDD with me—what a difference that one makes!

I chose a partner who is as self-aware as I am when it comes to his own journey.

My attitude is : I am a good catch; if I get ill, I am ill, if my partner started to be unsupportive I would wait until I was in my good time, and then talk from a point of grounded logic, explaining that I need someone who can give me support and understanding and that's what I deserve and if that's not him, he can leave now. 

I now offer Zero Tolerance to anyone who's going to risk making me ill by their own silliness.

I now only have friends who respect my boundaries; I phased out those that didn't.  It wasn't easy but, wow, has it made a difference in my life and in my PMDD.

I no longer have a 'secret' but I don't choose to tell others unless we're close ... I tell them what PMDD is but don't go into details. I don't care what others think. I know what I have, I know it is real. I do not need to communicate it, or hear their acceptance to accept myself. I have worked hard on accepting myself as I am, PMDD and ADHD warts and all, using the Strong Notes app.

I am still careful about planning social occasions around my bad times. I don't feel badly about saying 'No' — it's what I have to do to be kind to myself. Unnecessary stress that you choose to opt out of, no matter what others may think, can reduce your PMDD symptoms.

I am on Methylphenidate for my ADHD, and so far taking a really low amount, but it works wonders with my ADHD and could be having an effect on my PMDD, too. I would love for others to try it and see how it quiets the inner thoughts and mind tumble dryers we all get stuck in during PMDD mode. 

Using an app called Strong Notes, I send myself accepting/loving messages from my 'well self' to read on my bad days, feeding my strength back to myself on days I can't access it from within.

I have separated my 'well self' from my 'ill self' in my mind so I don't brand the 'true well me' with an ill tarnish. It helps to be sympathetic to my 'ill self' when well, and remember my 'well self' when ill. 

This is so important : I now identify when ill that how I'm feeling is real and not just my imagination.

I quit my ego stroking 9-5, 4 weeks a month job to pursue another working model that allows me to be ill when ill and kick ass when well.

I sought help from a mental health charity that supports people trying to make life work for them while struggling with a mental health problem. Successfully got a government business loan to start a business. I was honest about the PMDD and it was never even brought up as an issue.

I now believe that I am worth drastically changing my life for. I don't put myself in situations where I am stressed, and in turn my PMDD is at rest rather than flared up. I still know it's there but it's controllable.

I've read and live by Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now.

I eat foods with high nutrients but also still eat crap (sugar, etc.) when I want to, and for me it makes no difference. Food diets aren't ever as impactful as emotional diets in my opinion.

Signed up for all business/mental health support organisations to have mentors to keep me on track and to keep reminding myself that I am worth the hassle.

This is all just one story but I thought I would share it with you in case any of you are feeling ready to go on an emotional diet, too, or should I call it a MIND DETOX. I stayed in bad situations, feeling like a victim, for too long. I missed out on my teens and twenties for sure, but I am no longer going to be a victim to society's views, or the acceptance of others. 

I have PMDD. It means I must live accordingly. I choose to make my life better by taking the actions needed to protect and progress myself.

Love to you all.  I know we know each other's darkness all too well. I hope some of this helps.

K xxx