The Voices of PMDD - Battling the Darkness

Today's powerful guest post was written by Amanda Van Slyke, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Flurt Magazine.  For more information, please visit Flurt's Facebook Page.

Every month around this time the darkness swallows me up. It seems to happen in an instant, where I previously felt more creative and fulfilled than I've felt in a long time. Just before the lights go out, I climb mountains of work that I've been trying to reach for weeks. I write essays full of passion and reach out to others for emotional connection. I walk down the street smiling ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the torture I see others endure online. They post about how they can't do this anymore – about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork it's the same thing – feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and isolation. But I am happy. I eat well and do yoga and meditate and run – everything you're supposed to do to get rid of the darkness. I think that if only people did what I did, they'd feel just as great as I do. I am the exception to the rule.

When I was younger, I came to a point where I'd felt like I had already died. I was a shell of a person, barely leaving my bed because of the fatigue and depression, stuffing my face with whatever temporarily took away the pain. I barely escaped to the west coast to get away from the darkness before it swallowed me whole – and I saw a lifestyle that could make me feel better. I stopped drinking, stopped eating sugar and dairy and gluten – and I know how you all feel about gluten, but it worked. For the first time in my life, my face cleared up. My bloated belly flattened. When I filled my body with fuel instead of poison, my energy started to come back. My depression started to lift. I could feel the oxygen coming back into my bloodstream. The more I took care of my body, the more I saw God through me – and I was an atheist.

I know that sometimes people take medication – SSRIs mixed with therapeutic conversation – and believe me, I've been on so many pills I considered swallowing them all at once. But pills took away something far deeper than the darkness – they took away my ability to feel your toes tingle and your whole body remember what spirituality feels like. And for me, I'm not willing to give up my God – the one that speaks to me through my own moans and screams. To me, feeling that numbness inside me might as well as be the death of me. So I tapered off my medication – well, after I tried to go cold turkey, and my boyfriend almost broke up with me. When I finally felt I was myself again – the one I had been searching for and didn't know could exist – I wanted everyone to know about the revolution.

And the revolution came in a plant based crusade. I felt like I had finally found a cure for the darkness. I went two years without eating meat, and I was so skinny my panties fell to the floor. But I still said that I was part of the movement. I shared photos of my recipes online, and talked about how well I was doing. But away from the limelight my diet fluctuated just as much as much as my mood. Just like I'd tapered off my medication, I tapered off fuel for my body, replacing it with poison – processed foods that were easy, thinking that just a little bit of junk food would make the pain go away. Because the pain never did, regardless of what I was eating. If I gave in and reached for the poison, it would spread throughout my body and the pain would inflate my belly and the lights would go out. And then I would say, "Screw it," like the people online that I thought just needed to be more like me.

I know now the darkness is inevitable. I know I need to do my best to choose the light – and that I won't choose it every day, nor will anyone else – even the gurus on Instagram who post photos of food I don't have the money to make. Because the darkness isn't a place where you only go when you're weak. Diet and exercise and medication is for the privileged – and I'm privileged enough – but sometimes I don't have much money for food or the will to leave my apartment, so I reach for something I know will be easy but harder in the long run. And then I spiral down – feeling hopeless, lonely, and isolated – where my only friend is the poison that I know will kill me. Because people die from this.

The darkness leaves you feeling like there's a hole where your heart should be – where you try to fill it with things to make the pain subside. Junk food, alcohol, sex, and drugs. But the real misery comes when you realize these things are never going to be enough. It comes from the knowledge that only finding self love can fill that hole – and trying to love yourself is hard when you never did. Once you see it's just you and the darkness, you can either stay up til morning or go to sleep. And while it's easy to say some are weak for not fighting, I don't blame them.

Because right now, I am unhappy. I walk around my apartment with swollen eyes, moping about how I'm just like everyone else, posting online about how I can't do this anymore, about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork the darkness returns. But I know that soon the light will appear – so for today, I eat well, do yoga, meditate and run. I know it isn't a “cure,” but I know the more I take care of my body the more I'll see God through me. And maybe she can give me strength so I can see the light another day and remember what it's like to be happy – to smile ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the darkness.

PMDD and Maple Syrup

Okay, time to check in again. One of the things I make a point of here is to be as honest with you as I possibly can. But my information is only as good as what I have personally experienced, so I can’t—and won’t--recommend things I haven’t tried. I’m just as eager—and sometimes just as desperate—as the next woman to find a way to feel well all the time, but I’m not one to just throw things out there to see if they stick. I’ve chased enough dream cures for PMDD in my forty years to know I don’t want to send any of you down the same road of futility and despair.

Because every time one of these so-called “miracle cures” fails to take away our PMDD, we tend to blame ourselves, and not the product we just spent another $20, $50, or $100 on. The problem must be with us, right?---not the stuff in the pretty package with all the glowing testimonials of how it worked for other women.

Wrong. The only problem here is you fell prey to hope.

That said, the only thing I know for sure is a woman with PMDD needs to pay careful attention to what she eats and drinks, and needs to listen to the signals her body sends her about whatever she is putting into her body, be it food, drink, supplements, creams, hormones, or medication of any sort. It’s only through this total body awareness that we’ll be able to get a handle on our PMDD.

Our bodies are amazing, and communicate with us constantly. Think aches, pains, tingles, queasiness, sleepiness, nervousness, whatever. Unfortunately, we’ve been conditioned to ignore these distress signals from bodies, and therefore our health and well-being, as long as we are able to get done all the things we need to do. It’s this ignoring of our bodies that leaves us wide open to using and abusing them in ways that invariably come back to haunt us, via cravings and weight gain, irritability and mood swings, and susceptibility to illnesses of all sorts, both physical and mental.

So the number one thing you need to do is take the time to get to know your body, what nourishes and sustains it, and what sends it, and therefore you and your life, out of kilter.

Last week I thought it was the cottage cheese bringing me down. I’ve since figured out that it was--and it wasn’t. It wasn’t bringing me down in the way I thought it was. As most women with PMDD, I need a certain level of carbs to be functional. Carbs are the precursor to making serotonin, which is a hormone a woman with PMDD lacks during certain times of the month.

There aren’t a lot of carbs in cottage cheese :). So after coming off the fast, which was a cleansing fast, and not one I would recommend for everybody (which is why I’m not openly promoting it here), I was (and still am) determined to watch my calories. Not count them—never again will I count calories—but I am determined in general to stick to a reasonable level of healthy fuel for my body intake.

Full fat cottage cheese is 30% fat—that’s what makes it so tasty. But by eating the cottage cheese, I was putting something in my body that wasn’t going to help improve my mood. What I should have been eating was something that would provide some healthy carbs to fuel my serotonin production.

In short, I substituted fat for carbs. And while it satisfied my hunger and the pleasure/reward area of my brain, it did nothing to improve my mood, or sense of mental clarity and well being. The key, in my case, is to keep a steady supply of carbs in my system, so my body has enough resources to make the level of serotonin I need to stay happy and focused. There are a few ways to do this. One, by eating some dense, healthy carbs—like oatmeal, or multi-grain toast with no sugar added preserves, or even bananas, grapes, apples, or oranges. (But you have to be careful about eating too much fruit if you have problems with insulin resistance.)

Another way to boost your serotonin levels is by exercising moderately. Too much exercise, and you deplete your body’s stores of carbs, therefore defeating the whole purpose. So a nice, moderate, 2-mile walk really helps. Maybe a some kind of dance (Zumba is great for this) or Pilates class. But if you don’t have time for that, even 10-20 minutes of walking or light aerobic exercise will help—just enough to get your heart rate up and break a light sweat.

A third alternative is to take some 5-HTP. I have two kinds here…one with 37 grams per capsule, and one with 100 grams per capsule. That way I can take whatever I need, based on whether I feel like I need a big boost in mood and focus or a small one. However, it is not recommended that you take 5-HTP if you are already taking any MAOI drugs or SSRI anti-depressants. The main reason being that they accomplish the same purpose so you could easily overdose by taking both. For more information on Serotonin Syndrome, go here.

An alternative to 5-HTP is to take a SSRI-type antidepressant—but only while you are feeling symptomatic. There’s no need to take any kind of drug every single day, day in and day out, for something that troubles you only part of the month. SSRIs have been proven to help with symptoms of PMDD in 60% of the women who take them. You won’t know if you’re one of the 60% unless you try. But what they don’t tell you is that for PMDD, you only need to take them when you are feeling symptomatic. It’s just easier to prescribe one for you to take all the time, and when it starts to fail, up the dosage (and all the unpleasant side effects). It’s like we can’t be trusted to know when we need a boost and when we don’t.

But while an anti-depressant takes a few weeks to kick in for those who are truly depressed, if you have PMDD, a SSRI can somehow affect the part of your brain that boosts your serotonin level within hours. So yes, I have a 10 mg prescription handy for those days when nothing else seems to work. But those days are few and far between, Thank God (in six months I’ve taken them three times, for 2-3 days each time), and I much prefer to use the natural methods of treatment available.

Other options are to increase your intake of Vitamin D, or to simply get more sleep. I realize that this last one is the least simple of the options available, but sometimes nothing less will do. For it's when we sleep that our body has a chance to re-set itself, and put everything back into balance if it can.

I did mention that while on the cleansing fast, I had no symptoms of PMDD. My guess is this was due to the maple syrup component of the fast, which kept a slow, steady supply of carbs circulating through my body and brain all day long. One serving of maple syrup contains 53 grams of sugar, 10 more grams than a can of regular soda. But all sugars are not alike. Sodas not only don’t add anything to your body but calories, they actually rob your of vitality and nutrition, and leave you dehydrated, to boot.

But since I was using organic Grade B maple syrup, I was getting all of the nutritional benefits (Grade B organic maple syrup is filled with all sorts of vitamins and minerals), without any negative side effects. However, at one point I was running out of Grade B syrup, and since the Whole Foods store was on the other side of town, I went to the grocery store instead to find a replacement to get me through the weekend.

No dice. All I could find was 100% pure Grade A maple syrup (not organic). One serving of that, and I had an immediate headache and was sick to my stomach. I went to the internet to find out why, and learned that non-organic Grade A maple syrup is sometimes processed with formaldehyde.

My body was letting me know I was not giving it something that was good and healthy. Back to the Whole Foods store I went, and the problem immediately went away.

So now I sweeten my tea with a little Grade B organic syrup, and it does wonders to keep the healthy carbs flowing.