The Four Seasons of PMDD

I know I mentioned this in my last post as a real treat to find, but I want to spend a little more time on WHY I think the 34-page free PDF called Let's go menstrual! by Miranda Gray is so amazing.  For one, it treats our menstrual cycles as something to be welcomed and honored and worked with, not cursed and concealed and ashamed of. Something that can be used as a positive force in our lives. 

We all know that with PMDD we feel differently on different days.  This booklet shows you in simple, easy to understand terms, how to make the most of your good days, and even how to make the most of your bad days. 

So I encourage you to use this booklet to raise your awareness of the different *seasons* of your monthly cycle, and to tailor your expectations to match what is naturally going on in your body during any one of these four seasons.  In the end you will learn how to better meet your own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and doing this will help you to feel good about yourself.   In particular, the author says (and I heartily agree), you will feel more:

Comfortable with (and in) your own body

In control because you know WHY you are feeling the way you do

Confident in your abilities (as long as they are tailored to your moods or seasons)

Empowered to created positive feelings about yourself

Now what PMDD woman couldn't use a little more comfort, control, confidence, and empowerment?  Tell me what woman anywhere couldn't use a few more positive feelings about herself? 

PMDD women in particular need to read the section about the Autumn/Fall of our cycles, the problem-finding (and solving!) portion of our cycle, where the booklet tells us we can feel the need to "clear out our (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual) rubbish, to curl up alone, and to sleep more."

Ms. Gray then tells us the Winter Phase is a time when we tend to reflect on the year (or cycle) just over, daydream about the future, what we want to do in the year ahead, and commit to our new resolutions.  It's a time of rest, relaxation, and meditation, among other things.  I personally use it to curl up in my big cozy chair and catch up on my reading.  

Do not miss the list of suggestions for your Winter Phase, which coincides with the time of your bleeding.

Of course, the Spring and Summer Phases have equally invaluable lists of characteristics and suggestions for maximizing your well-being.  The suggestion I liked best for the Spring Phase, (when we are full of confidence and are our normal, non-PMDD selves) is to "Use your self-confidence to do something different from your usual routine."

That's right, the time to take on something new and unfamiliar is your Spring phase.  But the KEY to success is to only work on that project in your Spring Phase.  Set it aside when Fall and Winter come.  Do not let the innate negative energy and thoughts that those seasons bring to you undo all the positivity you have created in your Spring and Summer seasons.  Both Spring and Summer will come around again (that's the beauty of cycles), and there is no harm in working toward your strengths.

Use your Spring and Summer seasons to discover just what those strengths are.  The booklet even tells us what to watch out for in these highly positive and productive seasons, such as doing too many things at once, or doing too much for others, and ignoring our own needs.

Ms. Gray also tells us that Summer is the best time in our cycles to be sociable and work on relationships.  But also to be wary of wishing we could be this light and cheerful and confident forever.

Then, in the Fall and Winter seasons, we are to (among many other things) focus on NOT BELIEVING the negativity in our minds, and not to try to maintain a Spring or Summer schedule when our body is crying out for some rest and relaxation. 

We need this rest and relaxation to prepare us for the renewal that comes with Spring. 

So, to recap: 

Cycle Days 1-6 are your Winter Phase (rest, relaxation, take care of yourself)

Cycle Days 7-13 constitute Spring (a time of renewal, rebirth, and creative energy)

Cycle Days 14-20 should be your social and sharing Summer phase;  (but is often where the problems begin in PMDD women instead); and

Cycle Days 21-Day 1 (first day of bleeding) is your Autumn/Fall phase (when PMDD strikes the hardest)

For more information, please visit www.optimizedwoman.com.  There is a newsletter you can sign up for, and all sorts of good articles there, on how to increase your awareness of your body and its cycles. 

PMDD and Denial

So what did I do two weeks ago when I was hit with my latest double header? (And yes, that means I am in the throes of another one now -- right on schedule.) I worked, I wrote, and I slept. (Three hour naps are not unusual when my hormonal system gets so far out of whack.) I just pared my life down to the bare bones, ate take-out from the Whole Foods Co-op or heated up all-natural frozen entrees, focused on my work (I work at home, due in part to my PMDD), and wrote my heart out. Took a walk when I needed a boost in my serotonin level. Took time out for me.

But I didn’t do any of that until I finally admitted that I was having a problem. And so, it got me to thinking. Why was it that I waited so long to admit my PMDD was acting up again? Why was I so deep in denial? Because I had work to do, a schedule to maintain, a life to live. I didn’t have time to give in to some strange, intangible brain disorder that keeps me from getting the things done I wanted to get done. I wanted to be normal.

PMDD women want to be normal more than anything else in the world. We don’t want to admit there’s something going on in our brains that just isn’t quite right. Something that even the medical professionals can’t agree on, much less define. We can find a thousand excuses for why we are so clumsy at times, or so ravenous, or irritable, edgy, disoriented, anxious, or weepy. We deny and deny and deny there is anything wrong with us, or that we are in any way acting strangely, because to admit that we are doing so means we will have to stop and deal with it somehow, and how can you deal with something that defies description?

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves it’s just easier to ignore the symptoms we can’t explain and plow onward. Because that’s what women do. We just keep going until we can’t go any more. PMDD women are especially strong and stubborn in this regard. We go and go and go until we collapse. Or until our behavior becomes so erratic that someone in our life can’t stand it anymore and says, “What’s wrong with you?”

Even then we deny it. There’s nothing wrong with me. If you’d just pick up your clothes, fix the faucet, turn down the TV, do your homework, call me, stop calling me, show up on time, take the trash out, talk to your parent/child/boss/sibling, move your car, paint the bedroom, fill out the report, do what I ask, everything would be fine. The problem is you, not me. You’re what’s wrong with me.

And off we head into another relationship disaster, be it with our children, parents, co-workers, siblings or partners.

The bottom line is there is something wrong with us. But it’s not something we have any control over, any more than we have control over our allergies, genetic predisposition to any number of diseases, eye color, or shoe size. And it’s not something we can explain, unless we’ve done a whole boatload of research—only to find out it’s different for every woman, because we each live in different circumstances and environments and the biological rhythms of our bodies are unique to each of us. No two women are alike. Some have some symptoms, others have others. They come at different times of the month. Before periods, after periods, some even before and/or after ovulation.

What we do have control over is how we respond to our PMDD. And denial is just not an option. Not if you don’t want to leave a landscape littered with big mistakes, bad decisions, and tattered and broken relationships behind you everywhere you go.

To get a handle on your PMDD, you need to get a handle on yourself. You need to find a way to spend time on you, spend some time with yourself, getting to know your body and your unique hormonal rhythms. You need peace and quiet to do this. You can’t do this in the middle of your latest financial, household, work, school, or family crisis. You also need to like yourself to do this. You need to believe you are worth the time and effort.

Sometimes I feel like I live a totally self-indulgent life. I do what I want to do, go where I want to go, see who I want to see, and generally manage my life so that it encounters the least amount of stress and conflict. No drama queen here. I don’t have time for drama. It only sets off my PMDD, and God knows I don’t want any more experiences with that if I can help it.

So I take care of myself. I eat right, I exercise, I manage my stress. And even then I still get hit with the occasional strong episode of PMDD. But just imagine if I didn’t do all of that. How out of control my life would be. How joyless, how miserable, how sad and self-destructive.

Ignoring your PMDD is like ignoring a train bearing down on you. A wreck is inevitable. Studies have shown that if you leave your PMDD untreated, it will only grow worse over time, and you have a very good chance of ending up with a major depressive disorder. Is this what you want for your life? I know it’s not what I want. I also know that ignoring my PMDD, denying it, doesn’t make me more normal at all. It only makes things worse.

Fortunately, I am surrounded by friends and family who are supportive. I have worked hard to reach that place in my life, and have had to weed out those who were not understanding or supportive of my efforts to acknowledge, understand, and manage my PMDD. I say manage, because there is no cure, despite what many on the internet will tell you.

There are many things you can do to lessen the severity of your symptoms, and most of them are mentioned somewhere in this blog. Most of them are also free, or relatively inexpensive. Which is why you don’t hear a lot about them. The only ones you hear about are the ones people are making money off of. And while some of these methods may work in part, they don’t address the overall problem. Only you can do that, though a careful assessment of your life, priorities, relationships, nutritional needs, and fitness activities. No magic pill is going to do that for you, no matter how hard you might try to convince yourself that it will. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder. We’ve got to stop treating it like it is. Putting PMDD women on anti-depressants to suppress (not solve) their hormonal imbalances, is like asking every woman to wear a tent dress. It might cover the body, but it’s not a good fit.

That aside, however, the first step is to stop denying we have a problem. Forty years later, I’m still guilty of doing it, even with all that I have learned about the disorder. Is it any wonder those who haven’t done the research I have are equally caught up in denial? And what about those who don’t even know PMDD exists? All they do is run around thinking they’re crazy, but denying it to themselves and everyone else.

You can’t possibly think that to wake up one morning feeling fine, then slowly start to lose your fine motor skills, become agitated and confused, weepy, exhausted, irritable, and ravenous before dinner time is normal. The ability to wash away all of that with 45 minutes of aerobic exercise is also not normal. The fact that doing so buys you a couple of hours of PMDD-free time is not normal. The inevitable sink in mood and energy level when it wears off is also not normal.

But it is what it is, and it’s all we’ve got to work with. PMDD doesn’t do normal. Accept that and just do what you can to get through it. Surround yourself with people who will support you in your efforts toward good health and wellness. Weed out the people and situations in your life that don’t. Take time for yourself, be good to yourself, and most of all, when the episodes come…don’t deny them. Just find your own way to relax and go with the flow—no pun intended J.

The Queen of Denial

She’s baaaack! And I’m not talking about me, writing this blog post. I’m talking about The Alien, or my PMDD self. After several months of relatively mild episodes, suddenly I’m hit with a humdinger. You know from my previous post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD, that I am one of the unfortunate many who have atypical PMDD, in that it occurs both before and after I menstruate. Kind of like a hurricane, with menstruation in the middle, serving as the eye of the storm, where I might feel lousy physically, but I’m clear-headed and things are relatively calm.

So, about ten days ago, I could feel a storm blowing in. I notice I’m starting to get agitated about things that don’t usually faze me. I realize I am emotionally looking for a fight, anywhere I can find it. I check the calendar, confirm it’s about that time of the month, and warn those closest to me that it may be a rocky few days. I back away from conversations and situations I know will set me off, and postpone any important decisions or discussions for a few days.

The storm came and went, no major incidents, other than a couple of afternoon naps due to extreme sleepiness. Menstruation started, and life was good again, aside from the physical discomforts of having a period. Usually, the second half of my PMDD begins on Day 3 of my period. So when Day 3 came and went with no trouble, I thought I was in the clear, home free, another PMDD episode averted. Kudos to me once again for not letting my PMDD get the better of me and wreaking all sorts of havoc in my life and personal relationships.

But this was not my usual period. This one lasted six days instead of three. Not a problem. I’m okay. Life is still good.

But then yesterday morning, I started noticing things. Like I tried to address an envelope, and my handwriting was all jumpy and spiky. My hand couldn’t control the pen the way it usually does. My typing was off, too. Kept hitting the wrong keys.

No matter. I’m just in a hurry.

Then I went to a funeral, at a church I had never been to before. I got lost. Suddenly I’m feeling anxious, confused, and my thoughts are scattered.

No biggie, it can happen to anyone.

At the funeral, all I wanted to do was weep.

Not a problem. People are supposed to be sad at funerals.

I came home, fixed myself something to eat. I work at home (in part due to my PMDD), so I started to work in my sun-drenched living room.

Suddenly I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

Nothing unusual there, I told myself. The room was warm and I had just eaten.

Never mind that the room is equally warm and sunny most days, and I eat lunch every day about the same time and don’t get sleepy.

Finally I give in and take a nap, unable to concentrate or stay awake. It still hasn’t dawned on me, what is happening.

I wake up, totally ravenous, and wanting nothing but CHOCOLATE.

Still haven’t caught on. Or if I have, I’m in denial. I don’t have time for this nonsense. I have work to do.

A friend calls. We’re supposed to meet later on, go to Qigong class together. I want to know how soon “later on” is. Is it 4:30, 5:30, 6:30? If it’s sooner rather than later, I’ll wait to eat with my friend. If it’s later, I’ll eat now. No big deal either way, I just want to know, so I can plan my evening accordingly.

Somehow that simple conversation goes totally awry, and I end up in tears.

Bingo. The Alien has struck again. Now I know what’s going on. My PMDD has returned for round two. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, all I want to do is cry, and go back to sleep. But I’m too agitated and upset to go back to sleep, and I’m so effing hungry I want to scream. But I just ate a full meal a couple of hours ago. There’s no logical reason to be so hungry.

My friend calls back to see if I’m all right. How do I explain that everything is fine…but it’s not? How do I explain PMDD? This isn’t the type of conversation you want to have over the phone. It’s best that the other person can see the glassiness in your eyes, the exhaustion on your face, the lack of energy and slump of your body.

I fix something to eat (healthy carbs!) and work on a small project that only needs minimal concentration for an hour or so.

My friend arrives, and I try to explain what happened. He asks, “What can I do to help?”

The only answer I can come up with is, “Just be nice to me. I’m fragile today. Oh, and you might need to run interference for me at class. I’m not feeling very social right now.”

We go to class, and all goes well. I manage to muddle through the social aspects of class. The Qigong exercises get the blood circulating, produce the necessary boost in endorphins and serotonin. By the end of class, which was the absolute last thing I wanted to go to—I’d much rather have crawled back into bed and tried to sleep away my exhaustion—I was feeling 100% again, and had bought myself a couple of PMDD-free hours.

Because in my PMDD-induced confusion and misery I had forgotten what I could do to help myself. Light aerobic exercise. When I’m in the throes of a PMDD episode, and the last thing I want to do is get up and move, that’s the very thing I need to do. A simple walk is all it takes. After about 30 minutes, I start to feel better. By 45, I’m back on an even keel. An hour of any kind of light cardio activity and all symptoms are gone…

For about two hours.

So by the time I got home, I was back to being myself again. A totally different person. I was able to make it through the rest of the evening without incident.

But as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I felt that heavy wet blanket of depression closing in on me again. The iron band around my head, the irritated eyes, like I’ve been crying (but I haven’t), the mental fuzziness, the sense of exhaustion even before I get out of bed.

There’s no denying it this time. It’s going to be another PMDD day.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

The Connection Between Menstruation and PMDD

There’s one school of thought regarding PMDD that claims PMDD is not biological in nature at all, but rather a set of fanciful and imaginary symptoms devised by women as a means of expressing our discontent with our lot in life. Mad at your husband? Claim PMDD. Mad that you don’t get paid as much as a man when you’re doing the same work? Claim PMDD. Mad that the evils of the world have been attributed to women by organized religion? Claim PMDD. Feel like it’s unfair that you have to stay home with the kids while your partner gets to go out into the world and make his mark during power lunches, golf games, and beers with the guys? Claim PMDD.

In short, we’re not happy with our designated role in society, and so we have come up with a way to protest this arrangement by behaving badly and (hopefully) getting away with it. Science and medicine have nothing to do with it. There are no biological reasons for behaving the way we do. We’re simply a bunch of disgruntled women who have decided we don’t like the status quo.

So the best way to combat this insurgency is to deem us mentally ill, and classify our behavior as insane. Socially insane, if not legally so. The next step is to get us to buy into the stereotype. To get us to believe we are as crazy as they say we are. I’ve just been over at Facebook on the PMDD pages. The posts are full of women calling themselves crazy bitches and other references to insanity.

You are not insane. Your PMDD is real. It’s a biological condition, caused by a temporary fluctuation in your female hormones that *somehow* creates an imbalance in the chemicals in your brain, which in turn causes a disconnect in your thinking processes. It’s this mysterious *somehow* that nobody in the medical field seems to be able to pinpoint, any more than we know the underlying cause of cancer, or diabetes, or any number of disorders and conditions. Just as with those diseases, we’ve been able to identify many contributing factors, but not the actual cause(s).

Having just this week taken another quick dip into that realm of being disconnected, the memory is fresh in my mind. For the past three days, the weather here has been phenomenal. Perfect. Warm, sunny, splashes of vibrant color breaking out everywhere. It’s spring here, and rebirth and renewal are in the air. How can we help but feel blessed by the natural beauty that surrounds us? The generation of new life, the knowledge that whatever may be happening in our own, small, individual lives, overall, Life goes on, and it is inherently good.

As I sit or walk outside and experience nature blossoming all around me, hear the birds chirping, feel the sun and breeze on my face, see and smell the trees and flowers coming into bloom, I can intellectually understand the wonder and beauty of it all, can mentally acknowledge that Life is indeed beautiful—and it is--but am I feeling the Love?

Not. Why not? Because my brain chemistry has been temporarily altered, due to the fluctuations in my menstrual cycle, and there is a clear and distinct disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions.

Yesterday I wanted to weep. The day before that, I wanted to rage. The day before that, I was too tired to appreciate anything but the chance to take a nap.

This has nothing to do with my designated role in society. This has to do with my brain chemistry, period. I am not wanting to weep over the fact that women don’t get paid as much as men who do the same work. I am not raging at the idea that women have been blamed for all the evils in the world due to the doctrines of organized religion. I am not exhausted from having to take care of the dishes and the laundry and the myriad tasks that comprise taking care of a household and family. In fact, I do these tasks with love, as they bring me great satisfaction, knowing my home and family are lovingly cared for.

While I’m not happy with the societal conditions described above—I’d certainly like to get paid as much as a man in the workforce, and I’m not at all thrilled with the idea that women have been relegated to the status of a less than second class citizen by my faith, or that society in general sees women as either sexual objects or useless, with no in-between--those conditions are ever present every single day of my life. Those are my reality.

Why then, am I not furious, weepy, and/or exhausted every day if I’m so discontented with my lot in life?

You see? The theory that PMDD is just an excuse for women to express their unhappiness with the way things are just doesn’t make sense.

There are some theories that during a woman’s pre-menstrual time the so-called *veil* is lifted and we can see our overall connection to Life more clearly. For a few brief, shining moments, somewhere in the middle of our busy, overscheduled days, or maybe even the middle of our restless nights, we might suddenly see our relationships as they truly are, or discover an important revelation about our finances, our work situations, our living conditions--maybe entertain a thought or two that causes us to consider or reconsider any doubts we might have about our choices or our beliefs…

But it doesn’t cause us to go bat shit insane.

Think about this. It can’t be just your period coming that makes you go over the edge. Periods are a natural, normal part of the cycle of life, of fertility, of renewal.

To send you over the edge, something else has to be going on. Maybe even a lot of something else’s. Maybe even someone standing there, giving you a push.

Hey, it happens. More often than we’d like to admit. But that’s a topic for another day.

Today, we want to try to sort out what your part in all of this is.

So traditionally, the second half of the menstrual cycle is a time of personal insight, intuition, and clarity. This is normal. This is natural. This is the way God intended it to be. There was a time when a woman’s menstrual cycle was revered, respected, and yes, celebrated. A time of rest, reflection, and the potential for great wisdom.

Unfortunately, for us and for society in general, now it’s become nothing more than a curse, an inconvenience, a way for society to deem us as somehow unclean and flawed. Something to be ridiculed, suppressed, and avoided as much as possible.

Why is this, and how did it come to be?

That, too, is a topic for another day, but something we need to be thinking about in the meantime. So please, take some time out this week to think about your period. What it means to you. How it was explained to you, how you think about it, feel about it, handle it, and discuss it—if you even do. Or do you ignore it, pretend it simply isn’t happening?

How can we ignore something so fundamentally crucial to the well being of our bodies? How can we hate it?

PMDD women hate it because our menstrual cycle is what sets off this monthly--sometimes bi-weekly if we’re especially sensitive—chemical imbalance in our brains. The chemical imbalance that causes us to say things we don’t mean, do things we don’t want to (and would never do otherwise), make bad choices and decisions, hurt the people we love the most, and want to hurt ourselves.

But what if we came to understand it better? Came to understand that it’s not really the menstrual cycle—I mean, at least 90% of women who menstruate don’t have PMDD—but rather something unique that happens to PMDD women, in concert with our menstrual cycles.

In other words, don’t kill the messenger.

Just like women have been unfairly blamed for most of what’s wrong in the world by various sources, aren’t we unfairly blaming something normal and natural and an essential part of Life for something that really happens in our brains?

After all, isn’t when your period starts when the PMDD symptoms stop?

So let’s try flipping this idea around and see what happens. Can you just, just for a month or two, try seeing your period coming as something good and positive? Can you start to learn the natural rhythms of your body, and come to realize that your PMDD is just one aspect of a really complicated biological condition? A condition caused by something somewhere out of balance?

Can you start to look for the things in your life that might be out of balance, and allow the natural and normal process of wisdom and clarity to come through as you wait for your period to come? Can you make note of the thoughts that arise, and not act on them in your PMDD state, but set them aside until the PMDD passes and you can deal with your thoughts rationally?

In short, can you learn to be your own best friend? Can you stop beating yourself up for things you can’t control? Can you stop buying into the societal conditioning that women are too emotional and irrational to start with, and you’re just a crazy bitch in the extreme?

Because I think that once you do…once you take a few minutes out to stop and THINK about what you are allowing yourself to believe, about yourself and others, and once you try to view your menstrual cycle in just a slightly different manner, as I’ve suggested here, you might come a little closer to understanding this mysterious chemical imbalance that wreaks so much havoc in your life.

And once you do that, you’ll be able to start sorting out what is your PMDD, and what is not.

And as you begin to start untangling all the different threads that make up your Life, you’ll start to feel better.

Count on it.

PMDD - They Only See Our Failures

I’m one of the fortunate few. Through years of carefully cultivated self-awareness, I’ve finally learned how to separate myself from my PMDD. I know that I am not my PMDD. But millions more women are out there, valiantly struggling to get though each day, secretly convinced they are going mad, and simply hoping, even praying, that one day they will wake up and the nightmare that lives inside their minds will be over.

On the outside these women may seem to be coping—some of them even coping brilliantly by all external accounts--but on the inside they are terrified by--and of--this mystifying cycle of emotional imbalance that hardly anyone understands.

They’re also afraid to tell anyone, for fear that those people, too, will think they are crazy.

Or worse, they’ve tried to tell others—friends, family, medical professionals--and have been discounted, dismissed, or simply not believed. Or perhaps the symptoms of PMDD have crashed over their internal walls and manifested themselves, and those they spend the most time with and/or are closest to have already deemed them as somehow defective. She’s a moody one all right, sweetness and light one minute, a raving bitch the next. What gives? What’s wrong with her? How can anyone be so freaking out of control?

Everyone wants to be normal, and PMDD women are no exception. But PMDD doesn’t do normal. PMDD is a biological imbalance in your brain that manifests itself both physically and emotionally. It’s the emotional part people can’t deal with. Women the world over are no stranger to physical discomfort. We can be feeling like something the dog dragged in three days ago and still meet our commitments, care for our families, run households and offices and companies and governments, head up foundations, give speeches, present or accept awards, create beautiful works of art, love our partners, and still get dinner on the table in time.

Women are awesome. We are born with the gifts of joy, laughter, insight, intuition, sensitivity, kindness, compassion, creativity, cooperation, and multi-tasking (our biggest downfall, as we routinely take on too much.) We have more endurance than men. We have more tolerance for pain, be it physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional. We are passionate in our beliefs, and loyal to those we love—even when that loyalty is far from returned.

If a woman had a broken leg, and was temporarily hobbling around on crutches, most people would understand if she was a little tired or edgy or weepy during the course of her day. Most people would offer to help, open doors, fetch and carry things for her, run some errands, give her opportunities to rest and refresh herself. Most would give her some leeway to maneuver as she tries to navigate through her suddenly complicated day. At the very least, they would try to be tolerant if her frustration spilled over.

But when our brains are temporarily broken, as in the case of the PMDD phase of our menstrual cycles, there are no boldly visible cues, like a pair of crutches. Sure, the sparkle in our eyes may dim, our heads and hearts and joints may hurt, our handwriting may become stiff and awkward, our reflexes slow and clutzy, but only those intimately acquainted with us may be able to notice. We might not even notice these things ourselves, if we aren’t paying close attention to our bodies. Which most women don’t, we’re so used to putting our own needs aside and fulfilling the roles we play for others—mother, daughter, sister, partner, caretaker, breadwinner, coordinator, confidante.

So silently we slog through our PMDD days, knowing we feel fragile inside, but with no visible way to communicate that to the world—other than our emotions. All through our lives, we’ve been socialized to believe emotions are bad for everybody but actors and actresses. Real people need to suppress their emotions. Emotions get you in trouble. Emotions are counterproductive. Emotions are messy and scary. Don’t make a scene, don’t make a fuss, don’t get hysterical, and for God’s sake, don’t ever cry.

People can’t handle it when other people cry. Men especially can’t handle it when women cry.

Anger is the accepted emotional outlet for men, but there is no acceptable emotional outlet for women. Women are not supposed to get angry. If we get angry, there’s something wrong with us—we’re being countercultural. Little girls are sugar and spice and everything nice. Women who show anger are frowned upon, called all sorts of derogatory names, dismissed, discounted, deterred and destroyed, one way or another.

And so most women turn that anger inward, where it manifests as depression.

This is what happens to someone who passes for a *normal* woman, mind you. But remember, PMDD doesn’t do normal. PMDD lifts the veil on all those suppressed emotions, all those bitten lips and mounting frustrations life throws at us, turns off the biological mechanism that holds all that suppressed emotion back, and flips the switch to ON.

PMDD is your steam valve, honey, and like clockwork, once a month it lets loose.

If you’re especially unlucky, it happens twice a month, catching you on your ovulation cycle, as well.

And when that happens, we fail. We fail spectacularly. We rant, we rave, we cry and throw things. We break things, too. Dishes and doors, spirits and hearts and hopes and dreams. We say things we don’t mean, and hurt the people we love the most.

Why? Because they can’t see inside our heads to where the synapses are temporarily not working right, because they can’t see that we’re fragile inside on those days.

Because they can’t see we’re temporarily on crutches.

And for that, people call us crazy.

We’re not crazy. We’re pre-menstrual. More about what this means next week. In the meantime, remember, You Are Not Your PMDD. It might take up a huge chunk of your life, especially since you probably spend your non-PMDD days trying to make up to everyone for the way you *supposedly* let them down on your PMDD days--but really, who let who down?

Think about it. If you were on crutches, wouldn't the people in your life treat you with more care?

So you are not your PMDD, and your PMDD is not you. It’s something you have to deal with, like you would if you broke your leg, but it does not define you. No one who doesn’t have PMDD has a clue about how much energy and effort is expended in trying NOT to blow up, NOT to burst into tears, NOT to ruin the party, the family outing, the meeting, the conference, the trip…

The relationship.

All others see is our failures. But I read the Facebook posts, and I see how hard everyone tries, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you as you describe for the others how you feel it coming on, how you feel the tension building, how you are in the middle of the storm, how you hate all of it…

And how you ache inside as you do your best to deal with the heartbreaking aftermath.

I am here, and I understand. Because while I have a better handle than most on my PMDD, can even separate it out and still get my work done when my mind is acting up the most, I know all too well how much energy that takes, and how drained you can feel at the end of the day.

And even when I make it through 90% of the day without weeping or snapping or snarling at someone, even when I’ve spent the day protecting others from myself and my moods, moods I have as much control over as I would an allergic reaction, even when I’ve done everything I can to make sure I don’t ruin their day…

There’s always the chance the dam will break.

And that is all they see.

Do not let anyone define you by your failures. It’s not right, it’s not fair, and you wouldn’t do it to them.

Take care and God Bless.

Sharing Our Stories of PMDD

Today we have a guest blogger, Joya, who has graciously agreed to share her story of PMDD. I invite others to contact me who would like to share your story of how you discovered you had PMDD, were diagnosed, and what treatments--both successful and unsuccessful--you have tried in an effort to cope with this debilitating disorder. This helps every woman with PMDD to understand that while you are not alone, every case is as individual you are.

Welcome, Joya, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

I was diagnosed about three years ago.

Before I was diagnosed I felt awful & sick. I also thought I was losing my mind. It took a while for me to realize the awful feelings and the craziness were associated with my monthly cycle. I began to dread my cycle, but always looked forward to getting my period because I felt such a relief. There were times when I literally thought I was going insane. And the awful physical symptoms were at times too much to bear. I am grateful for my diagnosis as I have been empowered to find ways to help myself.

I am very fortunate I have a wonderful Doctor who listens to me and I believe he actually cares about my well being.

I have tried the following:

The Pill

Anti-Depressants

Accupuncture

Herbal treatments

Supplements

And I am currently using the Mirena IUD

Side effects & benefits I have experienced:

The pill was not a good choice, I cannot handle the extra estrogen at all. I completely lose it. For whatever reason the pill intensifies my symptoms.

Anti-Depressants-at first seemed like a cure! Then I started to feel depressed all the time, and I became listless and lethargic. I gained 25 pounds and felt awful and the benefits seemed to have flown out the window. I am not a fan of anti-depressants. I am no longer using them for treatment of my PMDD.

Acupuncture helps-mainly it helps with relaxation. It is also not a cure-all, but can be very helpful in terms of relaxation. It can be expensive and it takes quite some time before it actually reduces any symptoms. I would like to return to acupuncture if for nothing else, but the calming effect it as.

Herbal supplements & supplements: for me they help, but do not have the strength to reduce my symptoms to a manageable level. I use supplements in conjunction with the IUD.

The IUD has been helpful, it has reduced my symptoms. However, after a little over a year of using the IUD I feel the effectiveness wearing off. It makes me want to cry. And I do not really have a period at all and I don't like this part of it. The idea of searching for another effective treatment feels a little frustrating at the moment.

I consider myself blessed. I have very loving and supportive friends and family. I have been honest about my PMDD-it does affect my ability to socialize and I can withdraw pretty easily. I hate when I am unkind, or I lash out at someone I love when I am PMDD-ing. It is awful and I feel horrible, and guilty. In some ways I try to keep to myself so that I do not do anything I will regret later. I live alone and work primarily alone, so I do control my interaction with people as much as possible. I have recently entered a romantic relationship-I have been upfront about my PMDD, and he is a very understanding person. However, I am terrified I will scare him away, and I know this is a large part of why I keep to myself. I try to keep myself and others safe, but I am starting to feel that it is not the solution.

I cannot think of a shape for PMDD, as it tends to have several forms for me. At times it may be rigid and square, uptight and bound, whereas other times-it is wide open and expansive...It encompasses many colors...red would be the primary color, as well as black and dark blue...perhaps with flashes of purples and greens.

The worst thing about PMDD for me is the darkness, the sadness, and the nasty voice inside me that gets so loud that I believe it. I believe every ugly lie the voice utters. I have made some serious life decisions while under the influence of the PMDD monster, only to wonder later-'what the hell was I thinking'. The other thing is I feel like I cannot trust myself and I do not want to be around anybody. It sucks, I am for the most part a friendly, upbeat and kind person. The PMDD twists things and I get twisted with them and then come out the other side-wondering what happened. I hate that I listen to the ugly angry distrustful voice, rather than my true core voice.

I have changed my diet, I eat mostly vegetarian. I focus on nutrition. Whole grains, veggies, I do have fats, like peanut butter and such. I love fruit too! I make 90% of my meals at home, this is very helpful. Honestly, diet and exercise have had a profound effect on my ability to cope. I make sure I get enough rest as I cannot function without adequate rest. I LOVE to exercise and I LOVE yoga and walking outdoors! However, when the monster (PMDD) is in house, I have to literally fight with myself to exercise, and do what is best for me. As there are times when I drink wine, or eat too much, and usually regret it.

I also remind myself what is happening and that it is not ME-it is PMDD and it is chemical and biological, but this is not always helpful. I take hot baths and drink tea, I use drops of white chestnut for anxiety. Basically, I try to take of myself and be loving towards myself. I do struggle and sometimes I cave to the cravings for fatty food, wine, or cigarettes. I realize that this is a work in progress, and from experience I KNOW that taking excellent care of myself is my best bet!

I work with a master metal smith-he is my dad. We design and create custom wedding rings. I work with 30 stores and retail clients from all across the globe! I am very fortunate to have the work I have. I work alone as most of my correspondence is via email. I love working with an artist and I love working with my clients. I am grateful for all of my clients. So I do not have a career I have a job, a wonderful job. I long for a career, but that is a long and painful subject for me. I have searched for 15, plus years to answer the 'what am I going to do with my life'? question only to still not know the answer. It causes me extreme grief. As I have taken endless classes and been in and out of school, etc...

For now, I am letting it go. I just recently withdrew from school, as the combination of work, school, PMDD and my learning disabilities proved to be too much for me. I am struggling with not feeling like an utter failure and feeling like I have liberated myself. I do not have children, I have a cat, whom has been with me for 15 years. I care for her deeply and she has been a most loving and loyal companion over the years.

I would like to have a career that I can pour my heart and soul into. I would like to love freely and create. I would like to be of service to the people, the Earth and the animals. It is unfortunate that every single month for two weeks I kinda fall apart and lose my grip. However, I refuse to give up and I hope that I can find a way to do what I long to and be even with PMDD.

I believe yoga and meditation are helpful. Yes, they help me to relax and change my focus and help me to slow down and breathe.

"Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to none." Unknown.

"Everything we see or seem is but a dream within a dream." Edger Allen Poe

Relationships and PMDD -- Doing Your Part

Last week I posted 20 tips for partners who live with women who have PMDD. While it would be ideal if your partner did all of these things, that’s still only 50% of the equation. You’ve got to bring something to the party as well. As any relationship book will tell you, it takes two to make a relationship—any relationship—work.

So if you’re thinking, “If I just love him enough,” or “If I just (do anything) enough,” it’s not going to work—not without you running yourself into the ground. Relationships are full of give and take, and only work well when each partner gives as much as he or she takes.

Even if you’ve got the best partner in the world, there are still things you can do to make your PMDD episodes run more smoothly. And if your partner is not supportive—then do it for you…because you’re worth it.

1. Chart your symptoms daily. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, one of those pocket calendars will do. Just write a few words each day: anxious, crabby, sad, sleepy, achy, bloated, cravings, weepy, snapped at __________. Use this to get in touch with your feelings and your body. Eventually you’ll discover patterns of symptoms.

2. Consult your chart/PMDD calendar when considering social events, activities, creative or household projects, vacations and such. Making major decisions comes under this heading, too. Don’t set yourself up for failure by taking on something big when you know you won’t be feeling up to it. Don’t just try to slog through your life the best that you can…be pro-active!

3. Learn to recognize when you are symptomatic, and consciously postpone thinking about anything that needs serious thought until you are feeling better. If you don’t, your decisions will be colored by your PMDD, and you may well end up asking yourself, “What the hell was I thinking when I decided to do this?”

4. Understand that if it is not treated, your PMDD will only get worse. It could end up a major depressive disorder and who wants that when you know it can be avoided?

5. Find a doctor who will listen to you. If the doctor won’t listen, change doctors. It’s your life at stake here. No one has as much to gain from finding the right treatment for you as you do. So take an active part in your own health and well being. Don’t just do what the doctor says because “the doctor knows best.” The doctor knows what the doctor knows, and if the doctor doesn’t know anything about PMDD, you need to find one who does.

6. Try whatever you need to try to feel better. If you don’t feel better, then stop whatever makes you feel worse, and try something else. This goes for both medical and natural treatments. If medication works for you, go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. Your doctor is not you. Your doctor can’t feel what you feel or experience what you experience. Only you can know what works for you and what doesn’t.

7. Do not let anyone make you feel inadequate because something that works for others is not working for you. There is nothing wrong with you if this treatment or that treatment doesn’t work. All it means is you haven’t found the right solution for you yet. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder.

8. Move your body. Fit exercise in whatever you can, whenever you can. Isn’t a healthy you worth it? Find a few kinds of exercise you enjoy and mix it up so it doesn’t get boring fast. A class here, a walk there, maybe Tai Chi today and Zumba tomorrow. Just put on some music and dance around the house with the kids or by yourself for a song or two. See if that doesn’t put some energy in your step. Park your car a few spaces away from the door instead of in the closest spot. 30 minutes of some sort of aerobic activity a day is best, even if it’s just cleaning the bathroom or carting laundry up and down the stairs, but if you have to start with 5 or 10 minute increments, then start there. Anything is better than nothing.

9. It is essential that you get enough rest. Sleep is when your body re-regulates itself and if you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t have the time it needs to complete its repair job from whatever abuses you subjected it to during the day. (aka substance abuse, smoking, stress, overexertion, poor diet). The more sleep you lose, the harder it is for your body to catch up, and you fall further and further behind each day. This explains why you are so exhausted.

10. Eat healthy. Whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible. Avoid alcohol, caffeine, sugar, sugar substitutes, anything made with high fructose corn syrup (yes, you might have to start reading labels), white rice and white flour, for starters. Start being aware of what you eat, and as you pour that cup of coffee, know you are contributing to your PMDD, and know that you are choosing to do so. Ask yourself, is this candy bar, energy drink, glass of wine, piece of cake worth feeling miserable two weeks from now?

11. Get yourself some high quality dark chocolate for when the cravings come. Not that mass-produced stuff that comes in a bag. No matter how good it tastes, it’s not going to help you like true chocolates from a chocolate store will. There are plenty online to choose from if your town doesn’t have a chocolate store. A bonus is you’ll need less of the high quality stuff to feel better, so you might even lose some weight.

12. If you snap out at someone, stop, apologize, and explain to them that it’s not them, it’s your PMDD. Don’t let hurt feelings fester, on either side of the relationship. If they’re not open to an explanation of PMDD, just say, “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day,” and leave it at that. Everybody has bad days now and then.

13. If somebody is trying to bait you, walk away. Don’t let their bad mood spark yours. Tell them you’ll be back or continue this conversation when you’re both in a better mood.

14. Ask for help when you need it. If you don’t have anyone in your life who is willing or capable of doing this, find new friends who will be supportive and encouraging. Even if they’re just online. PMDD forums and discussion groups abound. You don’t need to go through any of this alone.

15. Do not let your negative thoughts and feelings get the better of you. Every day, all day long, our minds run rampant with thoughts. Good ones, bad ones, even strange ones. One way to get a handle on this is to learn how to still your mind. But that takes dedicated time and effort. If you’re not at a place in your life where you can take the time out to meditate or practice some form of deep breathing exercise that stills the mind, at the very least, when the negative thoughts come, push them right back out of your mind and refuse to dwell on them. Say to yourself, “That’s my PMDD talking, not me,” and consciously change the subject.

Remember (as long as PMDD is your only problem), you are in control of your mind…your mind is not in control of you (even though it very much feels like it). You need to refuse to give those negative thoughts any air time, because if you don’t, they will loop endlessly through your mind, creating deeper and deeper ruts, until negative thoughts are all you know and you end up with major depressive disorder. This is how PMDD women become suicidal.

Some wonderful ideas on how to mentally shift gears are in this article from Women to Women. The article is about perimenopause, but unless you die first or have your ovaries surgically removed, thus throwing you into instant menopause, you’re headed for perimenopause anyway. Why not learn how to deal with it in advance?

Be blessed, and keep me posted on your progress!

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.

Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.

This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.

Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.

Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.

Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.

You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?

Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.

The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”

They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.

The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.

Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.

But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.

If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.

Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.

If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.

If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….

It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

So think about that.

My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.

But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.

My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.

The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.

Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.

And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?

Think about that one for a while.

You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.

So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.

I’m talking about adults here.

When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.

If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.

Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)

That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.

Relationships - Choosing Your Family

Families are…hard to deal with, any way you look at it. They consist of the people who are supposed to love you the most, care more about your welfare than anyone else, treat you more kindly than strangers, and keep you safe from the world’s evils.

But they don’t. In fact, they quite often do the opposite. Which leaves all of us feeling pretty damn confused. If my family is supposed to love me and nurture me, provide for my needs and keep me safe…but doesn’t…then how can I expect anyone else to love and encourage me, provide for my needs, and keep me safe?

That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. So I spent yesterday morning researching articles on families and the holidays, hoping to offer some sage words of wisdom in my post on family relationships, and researching took so long I used up the time I would have used writing the post. The worst part was the best advice I could come up with was…

Just say no.

That’s right…just say no. If your family is toxic…then just don’t go to those holiday events, reunions, and family affairs. Article after article after article said the same thing.
Being the kind of person who much prefers to see everyone get along, this message was rather disappointing to me. But it trumped the message boards, hands down.

And I have to admit, that if you follow the advice in my previous posts, about making friends with yourself first, before you make friends with others, and about choosing your friends wisely, and choosing to spend time only with those people who exhibit the qualities you would most like to develop in yourself—how many of us would choose our own families?

Some of us have families that are truly supportive, encouraging us to be the best person we can possibly be. Others, unfortunately, are pits of dysfunctional hell. If you have PMDD, due to the correlation between childhood abuse and PMDD, chances are your family falls more firmly into the second category. Which also means the relationship you’re in right now is probably unhealthy. Which only adds to your problems with PMDD. Like attracts like, (even if you’re opposites—you’re the same in your ability to have a healthy relationship), and if you were abused as a child, the chances are good you will end up in a relationship that is abusive in one way or another. Which will only make your PMDD symptoms worse.

I’m jumping ahead of myself here, because my next post will be about dealing with your immediate family…but the facts can not be denied…studies have shown there is a strong correlation between abusive relationships of any kind, and PMDD.

So…if you have PMDD, chances are your extended family relationships are strained, and holiday gatherings are not pleasant. Taking us back to the first relationship post, where I said relationships begin with you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to listen to yourself, to your intuition and your body, to become more aware of your feelings about everything, and let them guide you.

Emotions are just that, emotions, and they will pass. But feelings, true feelings, will resonate in your body. If the thought of going somewhere and spending time with people you don’t like and who don’t like you fills your body with dread, churns your stomach, gives you a stress headache, puts you on edge, or makes you reach for substances that dull your pain, then yes, you need to stop and think twice about why you are doing this to yourself. Remember, if you don’t look out for yourself, nobody is going to do it for you.

If you don’t set the boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from other people in the way of behavior, be they family or strangers, nobody is going to do it for you. People with abusive personalities don’t recognize or observe boundaries—they will push and push and push as much as you let them. You can either 1) push back—which benefits no one—2) set your boundaries and quietly but firmly enforce them—which abusers will then call abuse, since you are no longer letting them have their way—3) simply refuse to engage, by not answering (unfortunately, this method has its own drawbacks) or 4) not attend any event in which you are likely to be treated with any form of disrespect.

In the end, it all comes down to you again, and how healthy you want to be. PMDD and stress are like the chicken and the egg. Nobody knows which comes first. But they do have a strong correlating relationship, and one affects the other. How you handle stress affects your PMDD and how you handle (or don’t handle) your PMDD definitely causes stress.

The best thing to do then, to get a handle on your PMDD, is to remove all sources of stress from your life. This in itself can be extremely stressful, but in the long run is much healthier than taking drug after drug to solve a problem that can not be fixed by taking drugs, no matter what the drug companies tell you.

So the same advice applies to forming or perpetuating family relationships that applies to forming and maintaining friendships—are the people you spend time with people who exhibit the positive qualities you would like to have more of in your life?

If not, then why are you spending time with them?

Sometimes you have to go out and create your own family. This works, too, because once you get right down to it, a family, like a home, is simply a place in your heart. You can create a home anywhere, and you can create the kind of family you’d like to have anywhere as well. To do that, however, you might have to first let go of the old one. Or at least limit contact with them until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and can comfortably deal with the stress of the situation.

Until then, they’re going to keep getting to you, your PMDD will continue to worsen, and you’re going to continue to dread every family event that comes up that will be attended by people you don’t really like and wouldn’t choose as friends.

The choice, as always, is up to you. I can hear the “But you don’t understand!” comments now.

I can, and I do. Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but I came out on the other side of it just fine, and this year, for Christmas, I had two of the best and most memorable holiday dinners I can ever remember having. I looked around and thought, This….now this is what I was aiming for all those years.

So I know it does exist.

And I wish it for each and every one of you.

Take care, God Bless, and I wish us all a healthy, happy, and prosperous New Year.

Relationships - Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

So last week I said Relationships Begin With You, and that is true. The most important thing of all for a PMDD woman is to have a good relationship with yourself. Obviously I have a good relationship with myself, or I wouldn’t be here, boldly putting myself out there for all the world to read about. I like myself, I enjoy my own company. I’ve learned how to listen to myself, in good times and bad.
One of the best things I’ve learned along the way was that “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s what I think of me that matters, and as long as I am happy with me, as long as I like and respect myself, that’s what counts.
Surprisingly, adopting this belief didn’t turn me into some self-centered egomaniac. I think that was always my greatest fear…if I put myself first, won't I turn into some kind of monster who doesn’t care about anyone else? Then everybody will really hate me. (Because we all know that PMDD women regularly think everybody hates us.)
I think that’s why I put it off for so long. As women, we’re raised and socialized to put everybody else first. Love means doing for others. It’s how we get love, how we show love, how we determine our worth in the world.
Or at least that’s what we’re raised to believe. But the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. Here is a link to an excellent blog post on the subject, one that includes eight specific quotes from the Bible that say to love your neighbor as yourself. I am a woman of faith, but my purpose here is not to preach, so I’ll leave that to others....
But to me, to love my neighbor as myself means to love others as much as I love myself.
Not more, not less.
So to do that, I have to love myself first.
Loving yourself is hard when you’re a PMDD woman. You do and say things you regret all the time. We’re conditioned to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. I’m not sure why this is, because it makes for a lot of miserable people in the world, but the bottom line truth is everybody makes mistakes, not just women with PMDD.
Think about all that energy wasted in beating ourselves up. Think about all the good and positive things we could be doing with our time and energy instead. Think about how much happier your life would be if you simply acknowledged your mistakes, did what you could to make amends, accepted that you'd done your best with the information you had at the time, and then got on with your life.
Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine how different your life would be?
So the first step to loving yourself, is to accept yourself as you are, right here and now. Are you in the middle of a bad episode, or are you doing well today? Is your day just so-so? That’s fine, too. Start right where you are. If you’re having a bad day, what can you do right now to make your day a little better? Take a nap? Call a friend? Eat some chocolate? Read a book? Watch a movie? Make a cup of tea and just sit there feeling miserable for a while? Then go ahead and DO it.
Nobody says you have to be happy all the time. There is nobody on this planet who is happy all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little down time, a little pampering, to help you get back on your feet again.
I have a real dislike for taking drugs. Any kind of drug. I’m all about natural health and healing. I’m especially against the unnecessary use of pain pills and anti-depressants. But a friend once explained it to me this way: When you’re in constant pain, when your body has gone haywire and is sending an uninterrupted stream of “I hurt” and “I feel miserable” signals to your brain, then what is the harm in taking an occasional pill to chemically interrupt that endless loop of biochemical messages running through your body? What's wrong with giving your body a little period of pain-free space to figuratively take a deep breath and have a chance to recover itself from that endless stream of pain messages circulating through your system?
Along those same lines, if your pain is mental, as well as physical, then what is the harm in briefly taking an anti-depressant to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts running through your brain? Just long enough to get you back on your feet again.
In the case of a PMDD woman, certain anti-depressants have been clinically proven to provide relief within hours in 60% of the women who take them during an episode of PMDD. But you only need to take them while you’re having an episode. (That’s the part the drug companies don’t tell you.) For some reason, even though anti-depressants usually take several weeks to kick in for the truly depressed, these same anti-depressants can act quickly in the case of a woman simply having an episode of PMDD (although there’s nothing simple about an episode of PMDD).
So, in the case of chronic physical pain, taking a pain pill can give you small break in your constant misery. Just enough time for you to catch your breath and remember what it feels like to feel good again, and marshal your resources for the next wave of pain.
In the case of mental pain, if you’re one of the 60%, a SSRI anti-depressant can give you a quick break from that endless loop of negative thoughts in your head.
In the case of emotional pain, talking to someone, or pampering yourself in some way—listening to music, stroking a pet, reading a book, taking a walk, making a cup of tea—can give you that same little space between the endless loop of emotional pain you are feeling.
Spiritual pain—read a book, watch a program, listen to a tape, or go to a place of worship and spend some time in silent contemplation. Just you and your maker. Quiet time with the spirit that lives inside you.
That’s what’s known as being good to yourself. Whichever of these areas is calling out to you the loudest, start there. Baby steps. Take time out to get a handle on your pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. If you don’t do it, nobody’s going to do it for you.
Because you’re the only person who knows what is going on inside you. You’re the only person who knows just how hard it is to be you.
Especially on the days when you are not feeling like you.
So loving yourself comes from taking care of yourself. From listening to yourself and attending to your own needs. The more you do this, surprisingly enough, the less selfish you will become, because along the way, you manage to develop empathy, and realize you’re not as alone in your pain as you thought you were.
That’s when friends come in, and that’s what I’ll talk about next week. Finding supportive friends, being it on line or in your own neighborhood.
Until then, be blessed, and find just one way each day to be good to yourself. You’d do it for a friend or loved one. Why not for yourself?
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.