Pre Menstrual Euphoric Disorder - Have You Experienced It?

A reader asks:  Something I've never understood is my own menstrual symptoms, which I've never seen discussed anywhere.  I get the complete opposite of you.  Instead of PMDD, I get Premenstrual Euphoric D.  For three or four days before bleeding starts, I get s surge of energy, both creative and physical, and my sex drive goes through the roof.  Later, when my period starts, I get quite severe backache and cramps.  This, I assume, is another type of PMS.

I have other atypical reactions, too.  If I get too aroused while standing, I fall over.  I can't be the only woman who experiences this, but I've never heard it described.  Seems to me that we need a lot more research in this area. PMS isn't just cultural.  It's physical, but I suspect it's far broader and more complex than people realize.

If you come across an explanation for my PMED, I'd be very grateful to find out.

Readers:  Can we help a sister out?  Please share any similar experiences (or any links to relevant material) you may have in the comments section, or write to me privately here.  Thank you!

My PMDD Is Not Your PMDD

PMDD is such an individual thing.  What works for me will not necessarily work for you.  What triggers mine will not necessarily trigger yours.  The best I can do is share my research and hope some part of it resonates with enough women that it makes a difference in their lives.  Take caffeine, for instance.  It's been proven to be bad for PMDD.  But is it bad for your PMDD?  Only you can know.  I hardly drink caffeine at all, and I still have PMDD.  I never took birth control pills and I still have PMDD.  I've never experienced trauma of the kinds described in my previous post, and I have PMDD. 

Stress, yes, I have stress in my life.  But my stress is not your stress.  What sets me off might not faze you in the least.  I've only been pregnant once, only had one child.  I've tried HTP-5, Tryptophan, Calcium, Vitamin B Complex and Magnesium.  I've done energy work, meditation, deep breathing exercises, and walking.  Kava kava, evening primrose oil, Omega 3 essential fatty acids, GABA, and various vitamin supplements in cute little packages.  Fluoxetine is as far as I've gone in the drug realm.  I've tried hormone and neurotransmitter balancing diets, cut out sugar and alcohol.  Used bioidentical estrogen and progesterone therapy, both the cream and prescription capsules.  I've faced my emotional issues, cleaned up my life, and taken relationship classes.  I've eaten serotonin boosting foods, made sure I get enough rest, and chart my symptoms.

And still I have PMDD.  But it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

So what works for me?  I'm not even sure yet.  My symptoms are different from month to month, as are my stressors.  And, as one astute commenter pointed out, stress can come from positive events as well -- it doesn't all have to be negative.  Happy times can cause just as much emotional upheaval as sad ones.

The one thing that has worked the most for me is awareness.  Paying attention to my body, paying attention to my intuition -  listening to how I feel inside.  It's not woo woo.  It's simple wisdom.  For instance, I know a 45 minute walk makes me feel great.  I know certain people and situations make me feel uncomfortable.  I know when something I am doing "just isn't fun" anymore.  I know what makes me feel calm and peaceful, and I know what makes me feel unsettled and angry. 

A lot of women don't know that about themselves.  A lot of women are just so busy running from activity to activity that they simply haven't made the time to get to know themselves. 

There was a time in my life when I thought I wasn't worth getting to know.  Now I am my own best friend.  I look to myself, rely on myself, for every important decision I make.  I go by how it makes me feel inside.  Anxious and edgy?  Cautious?  Bored? Confident? Terrified? Serene?

The body never lies.  If you let it, it will tell you exactly what you need to know...and exactly how you feel about something...anything...going on in your life.

Ever look at a cat, really look at it?  I've used this example before.  Cats just "are."  They know who they are, and what they want, and what they don't want.  And they know how to tell you these things -- without making excuses or apologies. If they want love, they come around.  If they want to be left alone, they go off and be alone.  If they are unhappy, they let you know. 

Why can't we be the same?  Why can't we simply accept or decline whatever is placed before us without going through a whole bunch of angst and/or guilt?  Why can't we live in the moment and deal with situations as they arise?  Why can't we just take a nap in the sun if that's what our bodies indicate we should do?  Why do we have to run around -- do this, do that -- exhausted all the time? 

Why can't we make changes and maybe try something new without upsetting someone else?  I hear this from women all the time.  "He wouldn't want me to..."  "I don't think my (insert friend, relative, co-worker here) would like that."  Or "I don't think (name someone, even your children) would let me do that."

Wouldn't like it?  Wouldn't let you?  I'm talking about things here that would benefit your health and well being.  I'm not talking about women going wild.  I'm talking about basic human needs.  Love, companionship, respect, dignity.  Consideration, concern, compassion, and understanding.  Why wouldn't someone who claims to love you or even just care about you want you to do what you need to do to be the best person you can possibly be?  Why would they want to hold you back from that?  Why would they want you to be "less" of a complete companion, parent, child, sibling, caretaker, employee?

To completely manage your PMDD, you need to take time out for you.  You need to be your own best friend and advocate.  You need to slow down long enough to listen to your body, and listen to your feelings, not the cacophony of demands life puts on us all day long.  You need to take some time to understand your individual quirks and condition, what sets you off and what makes you calm.  You need to stop "reacting" to your life (which leads to that out of control feeling we all know and hate) and become more "proactive".  You need to anticipate when your PMDD is coming, and adjust things around how you feel. 

I'm having a PMDD episode right now.  It's been going on for several days.  My awareness of it has allowed me to adjust for it, and keep my activities calm and low key.  Doing so has also allowed me to put in three slow but steady 18-hour days in a row without snapping at anyone or bursting into tears. 

Amazing. That never would have happened before I became aware of my PMDD.  I can think of at least half a dozen times these past few days where I would have *lost it* in the past.  I may still lose it.  It happens.  But the chance of it happening is a hell of a lot less than it used to be - since I started listening to my body.  Since I started cultivating my awareness of my PMDD.

The body never lies.  When it needs something, it lets you know.  When it senses trouble or danger, it lets you know.  When you meet someone who will be good for you...it lets you know.  The same goes for when you encounter someone or something that is bad for you.  The body knows right from wrong even if your mind is muddled by such things as guilt, pressure, manipulation, deception, negativity, or prevailing social and cultural messages. 

I think a lot of our PMDD crises stem from outside sources.  That's not to say that there's not stuff going on inside that makes us detonate....I'm well aware right now that I could either fall apart or blow up or both at any moment...but if I wasn't able to control my attitude -- and if I wasn't able to be proactive through awareness instead of reactive -- I know my fuse would be a lot shorter. 

Instead I'm listening to my body, taking each moment as it comes, moving from task to task, taking calming breaths, eating healthy, maintaining as positive an attitude as my PMDD brain will let me -- and when I start to get all tense and stressed....I either go for a walk, or lie down and rest. 

The work will wait.  The world can wait.  I'm not that indispensable that my life -- or anyone else's -- will fall apart if I take half an hour to recharge and regroup.

Try it.  What have you got to lose?

PMDD and Denial

So what did I do two weeks ago when I was hit with my latest double header? (And yes, that means I am in the throes of another one now -- right on schedule.) I worked, I wrote, and I slept. (Three hour naps are not unusual when my hormonal system gets so far out of whack.) I just pared my life down to the bare bones, ate take-out from the Whole Foods Co-op or heated up all-natural frozen entrees, focused on my work (I work at home, due in part to my PMDD), and wrote my heart out. Took a walk when I needed a boost in my serotonin level. Took time out for me.

But I didn’t do any of that until I finally admitted that I was having a problem. And so, it got me to thinking. Why was it that I waited so long to admit my PMDD was acting up again? Why was I so deep in denial? Because I had work to do, a schedule to maintain, a life to live. I didn’t have time to give in to some strange, intangible brain disorder that keeps me from getting the things done I wanted to get done. I wanted to be normal.

PMDD women want to be normal more than anything else in the world. We don’t want to admit there’s something going on in our brains that just isn’t quite right. Something that even the medical professionals can’t agree on, much less define. We can find a thousand excuses for why we are so clumsy at times, or so ravenous, or irritable, edgy, disoriented, anxious, or weepy. We deny and deny and deny there is anything wrong with us, or that we are in any way acting strangely, because to admit that we are doing so means we will have to stop and deal with it somehow, and how can you deal with something that defies description?

Somehow we’ve convinced ourselves it’s just easier to ignore the symptoms we can’t explain and plow onward. Because that’s what women do. We just keep going until we can’t go any more. PMDD women are especially strong and stubborn in this regard. We go and go and go until we collapse. Or until our behavior becomes so erratic that someone in our life can’t stand it anymore and says, “What’s wrong with you?”

Even then we deny it. There’s nothing wrong with me. If you’d just pick up your clothes, fix the faucet, turn down the TV, do your homework, call me, stop calling me, show up on time, take the trash out, talk to your parent/child/boss/sibling, move your car, paint the bedroom, fill out the report, do what I ask, everything would be fine. The problem is you, not me. You’re what’s wrong with me.

And off we head into another relationship disaster, be it with our children, parents, co-workers, siblings or partners.

The bottom line is there is something wrong with us. But it’s not something we have any control over, any more than we have control over our allergies, genetic predisposition to any number of diseases, eye color, or shoe size. And it’s not something we can explain, unless we’ve done a whole boatload of research—only to find out it’s different for every woman, because we each live in different circumstances and environments and the biological rhythms of our bodies are unique to each of us. No two women are alike. Some have some symptoms, others have others. They come at different times of the month. Before periods, after periods, some even before and/or after ovulation.

What we do have control over is how we respond to our PMDD. And denial is just not an option. Not if you don’t want to leave a landscape littered with big mistakes, bad decisions, and tattered and broken relationships behind you everywhere you go.

To get a handle on your PMDD, you need to get a handle on yourself. You need to find a way to spend time on you, spend some time with yourself, getting to know your body and your unique hormonal rhythms. You need peace and quiet to do this. You can’t do this in the middle of your latest financial, household, work, school, or family crisis. You also need to like yourself to do this. You need to believe you are worth the time and effort.

Sometimes I feel like I live a totally self-indulgent life. I do what I want to do, go where I want to go, see who I want to see, and generally manage my life so that it encounters the least amount of stress and conflict. No drama queen here. I don’t have time for drama. It only sets off my PMDD, and God knows I don’t want any more experiences with that if I can help it.

So I take care of myself. I eat right, I exercise, I manage my stress. And even then I still get hit with the occasional strong episode of PMDD. But just imagine if I didn’t do all of that. How out of control my life would be. How joyless, how miserable, how sad and self-destructive.

Ignoring your PMDD is like ignoring a train bearing down on you. A wreck is inevitable. Studies have shown that if you leave your PMDD untreated, it will only grow worse over time, and you have a very good chance of ending up with a major depressive disorder. Is this what you want for your life? I know it’s not what I want. I also know that ignoring my PMDD, denying it, doesn’t make me more normal at all. It only makes things worse.

Fortunately, I am surrounded by friends and family who are supportive. I have worked hard to reach that place in my life, and have had to weed out those who were not understanding or supportive of my efforts to acknowledge, understand, and manage my PMDD. I say manage, because there is no cure, despite what many on the internet will tell you.

There are many things you can do to lessen the severity of your symptoms, and most of them are mentioned somewhere in this blog. Most of them are also free, or relatively inexpensive. Which is why you don’t hear a lot about them. The only ones you hear about are the ones people are making money off of. And while some of these methods may work in part, they don’t address the overall problem. Only you can do that, though a careful assessment of your life, priorities, relationships, nutritional needs, and fitness activities. No magic pill is going to do that for you, no matter how hard you might try to convince yourself that it will. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder. We’ve got to stop treating it like it is. Putting PMDD women on anti-depressants to suppress (not solve) their hormonal imbalances, is like asking every woman to wear a tent dress. It might cover the body, but it’s not a good fit.

That aside, however, the first step is to stop denying we have a problem. Forty years later, I’m still guilty of doing it, even with all that I have learned about the disorder. Is it any wonder those who haven’t done the research I have are equally caught up in denial? And what about those who don’t even know PMDD exists? All they do is run around thinking they’re crazy, but denying it to themselves and everyone else.

You can’t possibly think that to wake up one morning feeling fine, then slowly start to lose your fine motor skills, become agitated and confused, weepy, exhausted, irritable, and ravenous before dinner time is normal. The ability to wash away all of that with 45 minutes of aerobic exercise is also not normal. The fact that doing so buys you a couple of hours of PMDD-free time is not normal. The inevitable sink in mood and energy level when it wears off is also not normal.

But it is what it is, and it’s all we’ve got to work with. PMDD doesn’t do normal. Accept that and just do what you can to get through it. Surround yourself with people who will support you in your efforts toward good health and wellness. Weed out the people and situations in your life that don’t. Take time for yourself, be good to yourself, and most of all, when the episodes come…don’t deny them. Just find your own way to relax and go with the flow—no pun intended J.

The Queen of Denial

She’s baaaack! And I’m not talking about me, writing this blog post. I’m talking about The Alien, or my PMDD self. After several months of relatively mild episodes, suddenly I’m hit with a humdinger. You know from my previous post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD, that I am one of the unfortunate many who have atypical PMDD, in that it occurs both before and after I menstruate. Kind of like a hurricane, with menstruation in the middle, serving as the eye of the storm, where I might feel lousy physically, but I’m clear-headed and things are relatively calm.

So, about ten days ago, I could feel a storm blowing in. I notice I’m starting to get agitated about things that don’t usually faze me. I realize I am emotionally looking for a fight, anywhere I can find it. I check the calendar, confirm it’s about that time of the month, and warn those closest to me that it may be a rocky few days. I back away from conversations and situations I know will set me off, and postpone any important decisions or discussions for a few days.

The storm came and went, no major incidents, other than a couple of afternoon naps due to extreme sleepiness. Menstruation started, and life was good again, aside from the physical discomforts of having a period. Usually, the second half of my PMDD begins on Day 3 of my period. So when Day 3 came and went with no trouble, I thought I was in the clear, home free, another PMDD episode averted. Kudos to me once again for not letting my PMDD get the better of me and wreaking all sorts of havoc in my life and personal relationships.

But this was not my usual period. This one lasted six days instead of three. Not a problem. I’m okay. Life is still good.

But then yesterday morning, I started noticing things. Like I tried to address an envelope, and my handwriting was all jumpy and spiky. My hand couldn’t control the pen the way it usually does. My typing was off, too. Kept hitting the wrong keys.

No matter. I’m just in a hurry.

Then I went to a funeral, at a church I had never been to before. I got lost. Suddenly I’m feeling anxious, confused, and my thoughts are scattered.

No biggie, it can happen to anyone.

At the funeral, all I wanted to do was weep.

Not a problem. People are supposed to be sad at funerals.

I came home, fixed myself something to eat. I work at home (in part due to my PMDD), so I started to work in my sun-drenched living room.

Suddenly I couldn’t keep my eyes open any longer.

Nothing unusual there, I told myself. The room was warm and I had just eaten.

Never mind that the room is equally warm and sunny most days, and I eat lunch every day about the same time and don’t get sleepy.

Finally I give in and take a nap, unable to concentrate or stay awake. It still hasn’t dawned on me, what is happening.

I wake up, totally ravenous, and wanting nothing but CHOCOLATE.

Still haven’t caught on. Or if I have, I’m in denial. I don’t have time for this nonsense. I have work to do.

A friend calls. We’re supposed to meet later on, go to Qigong class together. I want to know how soon “later on” is. Is it 4:30, 5:30, 6:30? If it’s sooner rather than later, I’ll wait to eat with my friend. If it’s later, I’ll eat now. No big deal either way, I just want to know, so I can plan my evening accordingly.

Somehow that simple conversation goes totally awry, and I end up in tears.

Bingo. The Alien has struck again. Now I know what’s going on. My PMDD has returned for round two. My head hurts, my eyes hurt, all I want to do is cry, and go back to sleep. But I’m too agitated and upset to go back to sleep, and I’m so effing hungry I want to scream. But I just ate a full meal a couple of hours ago. There’s no logical reason to be so hungry.

My friend calls back to see if I’m all right. How do I explain that everything is fine…but it’s not? How do I explain PMDD? This isn’t the type of conversation you want to have over the phone. It’s best that the other person can see the glassiness in your eyes, the exhaustion on your face, the lack of energy and slump of your body.

I fix something to eat (healthy carbs!) and work on a small project that only needs minimal concentration for an hour or so.

My friend arrives, and I try to explain what happened. He asks, “What can I do to help?”

The only answer I can come up with is, “Just be nice to me. I’m fragile today. Oh, and you might need to run interference for me at class. I’m not feeling very social right now.”

We go to class, and all goes well. I manage to muddle through the social aspects of class. The Qigong exercises get the blood circulating, produce the necessary boost in endorphins and serotonin. By the end of class, which was the absolute last thing I wanted to go to—I’d much rather have crawled back into bed and tried to sleep away my exhaustion—I was feeling 100% again, and had bought myself a couple of PMDD-free hours.

Because in my PMDD-induced confusion and misery I had forgotten what I could do to help myself. Light aerobic exercise. When I’m in the throes of a PMDD episode, and the last thing I want to do is get up and move, that’s the very thing I need to do. A simple walk is all it takes. After about 30 minutes, I start to feel better. By 45, I’m back on an even keel. An hour of any kind of light cardio activity and all symptoms are gone…

For about two hours.

So by the time I got home, I was back to being myself again. A totally different person. I was able to make it through the rest of the evening without incident.

But as soon as I opened my eyes this morning, I felt that heavy wet blanket of depression closing in on me again. The iron band around my head, the irritated eyes, like I’ve been crying (but I haven’t), the mental fuzziness, the sense of exhaustion even before I get out of bed.

There’s no denying it this time. It’s going to be another PMDD day.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

Taken By Surprise...

This has been an odd month for me. After a couple of years of only experiencing PMDD symptoms every few months--due to the onset of menopause--for the past two cycles I’ve been back to my regular clockwork schedule of symptoms and a refresher course of how miserable PMDD can be.

But now, I also know how to manage and minimize it. I now know I am not my PMDD, and my PMDD is not me. After nearly forty years of cycling through it, being buffeted by first regular, then random storms of PMDD, I have finally learned to separate myself from my PMDD.

To do that, however, takes a great deal of self-attention and self-awareness. You have to listen to everything your body tells you. The body never lies.

But a PMDD body does lie. Imagine that. Your own body lies to you.

No wonder you feel like you’re going crazy sometimes.

I am a very much a positive thinker. Calm, creative, goal-oriented, and optimistic. Generally I sail through my days without a problem. I don’t sweat the small stuff, and half the time don’t even sweat the big stuff. Life has a way of working out for me, and for that, I am grateful. The more it happens, the more I learn to trust—to trust in myself and my higher power—that all choices made from that quiet place within me can be trusted and will lead me to good and positive outcomes.

So imagine my surprise last week, when a day I had willingly chosen to give over to helping a loved one get the medical help he needed, for me turned into an endless loop of mental frustration. What is this? I kept asking myself. This day is no surprise, and I chose to spend it this way, and yet….

And yet I can’t seem to stop the thoughts of anger, resentment, and frustration from welling up inside of me.

I did not let them out. I knew well enough that the person I was spending the day with was not the problem. But Lord, how I wanted to. Just wanted to let loose with every negative thought on my mind. We even joked about it.

Did you catch that? I was able to joke about my feelings in the midst of a PMDD episode.

And I didn’t even know I was having one. I just knew something was “off.”

It wasn’t until the following afternoon that I began to suspect it was PMDD. Thursday morning I procrastinated until it was too late to leave for my Qigong class, which I absolutely love. There’s no reason for me to miss the class, as everyone there knows about my PMDD and accepts me as I am. They welcome my arrival no matter what my mood, which I often announce upon coming in the door.

“Brain’s not working right today,” I will say, and everyone will know I’m a little off my stride.

So I skipped class—all the while asking myself, “Why would you skip something that brings such good things into your life?”

Remember, PMDD doesn’t make sense. It just is.

That afternoon, I found myself unable to focus on what I needed to be doing. My handwriting was off, and I kept getting distracted by the latest shiny thing—a new email, a new link to explore, a phone call to answer, a note to write, a snack to make.

Speaking of snacks, suddenly, for the first time in weeks, I wanted chocolate.

Should have been another clue, but I wasn’t thinking PMDD yet.

Not until the next morning, Friday morning, when I literally did not want to wake up. I swear to you, it felt exactly like when I woke up to a carbon monoxide leak in my house last November. Debilitating, bone deep lack of motivation and fatigue. All I wanted to do was sleep.

The phone rang and I dragged myself out of bed. An hour and a half later, I’m still yawning, yawning, yawning. It took extreme effort to keep my eyes open. Coffee didn’t help. At all. I don’t normally drink coffee, so if I do have a cup, the effect is immediate.

Not today. Not a blip of relief. I felt like I had an iron band around my head, my tongue was made of cotton and was also thick and swollen (which is one of my PMDD symptoms—allergy aggravation), I couldn’t get enough water to drink, and I was ravenous both before breakfast and less than an hour after.

I finally realized I wasn’t truly hungry…I just wanted to eat. Believe it or not, there is a difference. My stomach was full. But my brain was sending distress messages. What those messages were, I have no clue, because there was nothing distressing that I know of going on in my life—you know, like the kind of situation that spurs emotional eating…

I just know the signals my brain was sending were manifesting as a nearly overwhelming desire to eat.

It was hard, but I didn’t succumb. My food charting (another experiment I hope to share the details of some day) told me I had already eaten as much as, if not a little more than, I had on any other day. So this was not true hunger. This was my PMDD talking, not me. I was not hungry. The chart clearly showed that on any other day, I wouldn’t have been the least bit hungry…and believe me, I am not one to deprive myself of basic nutrition, because I learned long ago that it will only make my PMDD worse.

So I compromised with my PMDD, and spent the day sipping my favorite chocolate drink, because suddenly all I wanted was chocolate.

I did, however, go to bed really early that evening, in deference to my fatigue. Added to that was now a strange aching in my legs, all the way down into my arches.

What had happened? Had I pulled/strained a muscle somewhere? Somehow? How could I, when I’d skipped class on Thursday? It didn’t make sense.

I woke up 12 hours later, still sleepy. Still ravenous. Still wanting chocolate. Still aching.

Okay…by now I am beginning to realize what is happening here. It must be my PMDD. By noon it was confirmed. I started spotting.

Suddenly everything that happened the previous three days made complete sense. The strange and unreasonable irritability on Wednesday, the clumsiness, disorientation, and inability to stay focused on Thursday, the lack of motivation, intense lethargy, fatigue, and ravenous appetite on Friday. The chocolate craving, the sensation of an iron band tightening around my head, the urge to weep, the dull ache in my legs.

I continued to eat normally, despite the ravenous hunger, sip my favorite chocolate drink, and headed off to the gym to walk around the track, even knowing it was the last thing I wanted to do. But exercise had helped before, and I wanted to experiment, wanted to see if there was actually something I could DO to make it better.

The first twenty minutes I felt like I wanted to vomit. No lie. Around the half hour mark, I started to feel a little better. By the 45 minute mark I was heading back toward an even keel. Came home, made a healthy, carb-laden supper, then went to church.

Things weren’t completely right, however, until I went out for a salty bowl of chicken noodle soup afterward.

Go figure. But for some reason, after the soup, I came home full of more energy than I’d had in three days. I was psyched, ready to take on the world.

Instead I rested and read and had a cup of tea. The storm wasn’t over yet; that was just the eye of it. Been here, done this enough times to know this thing comes in waves.

Sunday morning I was dozing again when the phone rang and woke me up. I didn’t have nearly as tough a time waking up as I had on Friday morning. Huge difference between then and now.

Why? The menstrual blood was flowing.

And because of that, I made it to my next Qigong class and the grocery store and was able to focus on a couple of creative projects I needed to complete.

The first wave of the storm had hit, and I weathered it. Mostly by repeating this is not me, this is my PMDD. I am not angry, resentful, mad—that’s my PMDD talking. I am not hungry, that’s my PMDD talking. I have no reason to cry—that’s my PMDD talking.

Unfortunately, there was not much I could do about the fatigue. But getting out for a walk definitely helped with that.

The good news is (except for one cup of coffee) I managed to avoid the quick-fix stimulants that so many of us use to get past our fatigue, stimulants that only make our PMDD hit back even harder. Tobacco, alcohol, caffeine, sugar, energy drinks.

You, too, can weather the storm, whether yours comes in waves, or all at once. It just takes an enormous amount of effort to do so. Not everyone has the time or energy or circumstances to be able to do it. I understand that. I accept that. You need to accept that too, and simply start wherever you are right now.

Start with what you have, start with whatever symptoms present themselves. Try to sort them out like tangled threads. This part is me, this part is my PMDD. I am not my PMDD. I am better than my PMDD. I am stronger than my PMDD. I will not allow my PMDD to define me.

And I will not allow anyone else to define me by it, either.

Because they have never slogged through the storm in my shoes.

Until you know how it feels to have a brain and body that sends basic biological signals contrary to all conventional wisdom and common sense, you will never understand.

To those who do, you deserve to be congratulated and applauded--not dismissed, discounted, and ridiculed.

We are the strong ones, we are the survivors, and we are not our PMDD.

Women and Insanity -- Pioneers with PMDD?

A little something extra today in honor of Halloween. PMDD is not a new condition. It's been around in one form or another since at least the time of Hippocrates. Back then it, and just about any other condition relating to women's hormones, was called hysteria, hystera being the Greek name for uterus.

This is why anyone with a uterus is considered hysterical at times, and why they call the removal of your uterus a hysterectomy.

But I digress. PMDD is not, as some believe, a disorder made up by the drug companies to sell more drugs. It's a condition happily exploited by drug and supplement companies, to be sure, and even some doctors (more on this in a future post), but it's far from a made up condition. You know it, and I know it, and anyone who has ever lived with a woman who has PMDD knows it.

That doesn't mean we're not accountable for our actions. PMDD is an explanation--not an excuse, or free pass--for bad behavior. We owe it to ourselves to understand the condition (and therefore ourselves) as fully as we can, and to then promote a positive awareness of PMDD everywhere we go. It's only by focusing on the positive--what works, what helps, what provides solid help and answers--and not the negative--the fear, the stereotyping, the ridicule--that we will get mainstream medicine to pay any genuine attention to PMDD and other women's health issues.

That said, today I thought I'd offer up a special post on women and insanity, to let us know where we might have ended up, had we been born in another time.

Please welcome my guest blogger, Wild Rose Press author Loretta Rogers.

Because divorce was a rarity during the pioneer/frontier days, men devised other ways to get rid of unwanted wives and children, and that was by declaring them insane and placing this unwanted loved one in an insane asylum. Actually these early asylums were in reality prisons and not medical centers. These institutions were filthy, dark places where people were treated more like animals than human beings. The asylums usually provided only the basic necessities of life. Food was poor, cleanliness was not stressed and the rooms were often very cold. Diseases were quick to spread throughout the asylum.

Some of the reasons women were institutionalized are unbelievable. In the early 1800’s wives and daughters were often committed for not being obedient enough to their husbands or fathers. You’ve heard the term, “children are to be seen and not heard.” This applied to wives as well. If a woman spoke out and went against the “norm” she could be committed.

With no birth control, it wasn’t unusual for a woman to give birth to another baby while still nursing her last child. And a brood of six to twelve children wasn’t unusual either. With her body no longer firm and supple, her energy level somewhere between zero and double zero, and with the daily routine of cooking, cleaning, plowing, and all the other demands, a woman was run ragged. It’s no wonder she grew old long before her time.

All the husband and/or father had to do was simply write the word “lunacy” on the admission form. Lunacy was an acceptable reason for divorce. The woman’s husband would declare her insane, put her in the asylum and then file for the divorce. A few months later, his marriage records to a younger bride usually showed up.

Other reasons to be “put away”, were depression, alcoholism, just being a little different from the norm, and even going through menopause. Doctors just didn’t know how to deal with mental issues and the result was to put their patients in the asylum. These women were locked up and forgotten by their loved ones. The fathers/husbands often forbid the family members to visit. It was as if the wife or daughter had simply died. Most of these women did stay at the insane asylum until their death.

If a father had no sons, but didn’t want his daughter to inherit his fortune or worldly goods, he could have her declared insane, institutionalized, and leave his money to a favorite nephew or his ranch to a ranch hand he considered as a son. If a man’s wife had died in child birth and he couldn’t find a woman to wed who was willing to become a stepmother to his large brood, or if he couldn’t marry off any of his eligible daughters, he simply declared them as lunatics and placed them in an asylum. Sometimes daughters were committed for unwanted pregnancies. Other children were committed for being disobedient or for illnesses such as Down’s Syndrome or Autism. Being born deaf or mute, retarded or physically disfigured was another reason a child might be committed.

Oftentimes, the husband might tell others that his wife or child had died. If a newspaper office was available, he might even have an obituary printed. Yet the person was very much alive at the asylum. While it was rare for a sane person to be released from an asylum, it did happen. Imagine what it was like for this woman. Having been declared dead, she had no identity.

Some of these asylums were built next to, or part of, the prison system. This was to help cut back costs of care, food and facilities. Rape was prevalent in asylums. Because women had been declared insane, it was deemed they had no powers of reasoning, no feelings or emotions. In other words, they were considered walking zombies. Because of this deranged thinking, (no pun intended) prisoners and even asylum employees used the women for their own pleasures.

If you are into genealogy and have run into a brick wall trying to locate a female relative, the US census has a place on some of their census, example 1850, that had a place to mark if deaf, dumb or insane. The probate section may carry Lunacy Record Books at the county courthouses. Some Wills will declare if someone is insane or having lunacy. If someone seems to have disappeared, they may have been “sent away.”

Therefore, when we refer to the ‘good old’ days, we might remember these women and their lives, and be thankful that they paved the way for us.

Loretta C. Rogers, Isabelle and the Outlaw.

A Perfect Storm of PMDD

Unfortunately, I’m one of those atypical types who has my PMDD served up in three different courses, which is one big reason it took me so long to get diagnosed. All the sites and information said specifically that for it to be PMDD, all symptoms must abate at the onset of menses, or when your period begins.

But mine never did. Mine came in three separate stages. Which I finally learned is possible as well. God knew I’d been living it long enough—but to see it actually mentioned in a book? Finally I could go to my doctor in confidence and get diagnosed.

I often compare my symptoms of PMDD to the course of a hurricane. Prior to the onset of my period is the building storm, the wind and the rain, with symptoms of irritability, edginess, an inexplicable, almost ravenous hunger, and cravings for salt and three specific foods---cheese, chocolate, and oranges. I have yet to figure out why, although occasionally I get glimmers of understanding and I am sure I will find the answer some day. But for now it’s enough to know that that’s what I crave, and when I find myself reaching for nothing but those three things, I know a storm is about to blow in.

On my pre-period days I also get jittery, clumsy, confused, and distracted, unable to focus on any one task for any length of time. My handwriting even changes. Usually, it’s comfortable, loose, flowing. When I’m having an episode of PMDD, it’s spiky, jerky, and messy. At times it looks like the handwriting of a much older woman. I’m always startled to see it come out that way, but not totally surprised, because as I’m writing, my hand doesn’t seem to work properly—which might also account for my tendency to drop things more than usual during those periods of time.

Anyway, the unfamiliar handwriting is generally one clue that something is happening in my brain. My typing is also affected. I have a friend who pointed out that I don’t bother to capitalize in my emails when I am having an episode of PMDD and I don’t do a lot of smiley faces. It’s as if to do either would take too much effort.

So in my case first comes the storm of irritability, anger, and rage. Snapping out at the drop of a hat. Lashing out at someone who didn’t say anything out of the ordinary, but just struck me as wrong. Feeling under attack and wanting to hit someone, anyone. Just give me a chance. Not a reason, but a chance. I call these my wanting to “drink, smoke, and be bad” days. Impulsive behavior does its best to take over, and I can fully understand in those days why some women go out and do completely irresponsible things they later regret. I’ve felt like doing so more times than I can count, and have complete empathy for those who give in to these bizarre urges. If I didn’t have a core of responsibility inside me that keeps me anchored in good times and bad, I would go out and do the same.

Usually the worst thing I ever did was go shopping and buy all sorts of things I didn’t need or never wore. If I were to look at my credit card statements for those time periods I’m sure I would see a pattern of spending that coincides with the pre-menstrual portion of my PMDD episodes. Fortunately, now I understand what is happening and stay home on those days instead of going shopping. Because inevitably the bill would come, and I would wonder why on earth I had done such a thing.

When I worked as an analyst for the government, on my pre-menstrual days I would suddenly notice that I hadn’t received a response on this project or the other, and would call up the parties in question and remind them I was waiting to hear from them. On any other day it wouldn’t have bothered me. People get busy, people go on vacation, people have priorities, people forget. In the overall scheme of things, my projects were never that vital. Most of the time, I was tolerant and flexible.

But on a PMDD day, everyone I came across was either incompetent or personally holding me back from untold success. I might not rant at them directly--after all, even on my worst days I knew you catch more flies with honey than vinegar--but I would complain to anyone else who would listen about how I seemed to be the only person around who could get things done and do them right. I had no tolerance for even the slightest delay or mistake. On those days, you didn’t want to mess with me.

Then my period would come and I’d be miserable in a new way for a couple of days. Cramps, backaches, and pain that sometimes radiated as far down as my knees, and made me feel like I wanted to throw up. Breathing hurt. I would lie very still, hot pack pressed to my lower abdomen, which felt like someone was slowly trying to pull my insides out with a three pronged gardening tool. Every single month. That, if you want to believe it, was the eye of the hurricane. The first two days of my period.

Then the sadness kicked in. On Day Three. Always on Day Three. If it was going to come, that would be the day. It didn’t always come, still doesn’t. Now I know it has to do with whether I release an egg or not that month. No egg, no sadness. Woo hoo! Party time.

Not quite. But at least it’s a lot more pleasant around here when the sadness doesn’t come. Because when it does, I’m tired all the time, my head feels like it has an iron band around it, I sigh incessantly, big, deep sighs like the weight of the world is on my shoulders—and for me, it is. Most everything looks hopeless, every good idea I had during the month goes to s***, I want to weep at every turn, you don’t dare tell me a joke or tease me, and I spend a lot of time wondering why I even bother.

During this phase of my PMDD, I used to beat myself up incessantly over the people I had snapped out at the week before. Now, at least, I don’t do that any more. I know I didn’t mean it, and in most cases it doesn’t get that far anymore, because I have a much deeper awareness of what is going on and can catch myself in counterproductive behavior.

Now, when I catch myself starting to snap out, I apologize and explain I am having a bad day. Most of my friends know what that means. If the person isn’t my friend, it’s okay to leave it at an apology without an explanation. By all means, if at all possible, never ruin a perfectly good apology with an explanation. You don’t need to justify yourself or your behavior. You just need to acknowledge it, apologize for it if the incident warrants an apology, and move on.

But back then, as I said, I would beat myself up incessantly. Which only intensified my sadness and made me feel like a totally worthless human being. My friends couldn’t possibly be my friends. They wouldn’t be my friends if they knew the real me. How would I ever find anybody to love me if I was so impossible to be around. Yada yada yada. You know how it goes.

The bottom line is the first part of my personal hurricane is the moody, bitchy, out of control part. Then would come the eye of pain and two days of solid pain but surprisingly clear thinking. Fortunately, now, as I begin to enter menopause, it’s just the clear thinking part, and a huge surge of positive energy. It’s a definite reprieve in the storm.

Then the sadness comes. The first D in PMDD. My depression. Or The Fog, as I call it. Back then it was devastating. How could anybody not hate me? Now I am able to separate myself from it and while it is still not pleasant, I know I am not my depression. I rest, relax, take it easy, spend time reading or listening to music or doing something quiet and non-demanding, secure in the knowledge that it will pass. I do what I can to help it pass sooner. I take walks, take naps, eat right and take supplements. I do not allow my negative thoughts to take over. In fact, I smile at them, knowing I know better. God does love me and so do the people in my life. My ideas are good ones and I am full of creativity. I am strong, capable, and competent. Just running a little slower than usual today. Just a tad off my stride. It will pass and I will be fine.

And I am.

One day The Fog lifts, and its back to the torrid pace of my life as usual—until the next wave of cravings and irritability hits.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD from within and starting a conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.