The Voices of PMDD: Tough on Relationships

Anyone with experience can tell you, PMDD is tough on relationships. By the time I was 25, it was certainly getting tough on my parents and sisters, and then my first husband. This was before I knew anything about PMDD. I thought it was just PMS, but no one else with “just PMS” seemed to be going through what I was. When I would try and explain to confidants, I would be warned off blaming everything on hormones. Yet once a month, like clockwork, I would dread interacting; I could feel my personality morphing. I would cancel plans, back out of things, even leave vacations to go home! I would have massive flip-outs. Family thought I was just a moody, selfish and spoiled brat. In truth, I was being ruled by my hormones. I hated it as much as they did. It made it so hard to make plans or get excited about anything. And since it was cyclical, it seemed like “just who I was”.

I’m married for the second time now, and it seems I decide to divorce my husband pretty much every month. For nearly a year, I’ve been pulling my luggage out of storage and packing my bags only to put it all away again a week or so later when my cycle shifts again.

Maybe I had no business getting married in the first place, but we had to. We lived in separate countries, and it was the only way to be together. As much as I may have wanted to live abroad, I quickly realized I didn’t have it in me to deal with the culture shock, language shock, new roommate shock, etc. and all of the loss…of home, work, friends, family, belongings, car, etc. I had no idea the impact of moving overseas and all it entailed would have on PMDD!

Over the first two years of our relationship, the stress I endured was enough to give me PTSD and a whole new level of experience with PMDD, which by the way, I had only learned about half-way through our marriage, as I desperately looked for answers about why I was suddenly such a full-on raging lunatic every month. When I read about it, it was like a string of lights lit up in my DNA. When I started tracking my symptoms, I had all the evidence I needed. I hadn’t been imagining this plague! It was only in hindsight I was able to piece together aspects of my history that pointed toward PMDD and that those pieces of a near life-long puzzle started snapping into place.

In this marriage, our problems have centered around my PMDD. It’s an easy target. Once I knew what it was, we’d talk about it on the good days; I’d try to explain it and tell him what I needed from him. He’d listen and nod and say he understood. But for some reason, month after month, he just couldn’t deliver. Was it me? I thought so. I really, honestly blamed myself. Maybe I was asking for too much space. Maybe I was demanding too much help. Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough!

Our marriage passed through a very difficult season of intense arguments, usually when I was in the throes of PMDD. These arguments only served to further impair my already affected mental state and merely re-traumatize me in all the ways I’d lived with growing up. It was becoming unbearably painful. Again, I blamed myself. If only I didn’t have this disorder. If only I wasn’t so needy, so messed up, so controlling, so…me. Of course, I blamed him too. If only he’d clean up, do what he promised, give me space, be…someone else!

Then one day, after an excruciating and emotionally abusive exchange between us, a genuine turning point arrived. I realized this endless struggle simply wasn’t what I wanted for my life. If I had a disorder that made relationships challenging, then I had to decide whether my marriage was a help or hindrance to my healing. I realized it had become a hindrance. Yes, I had my issues, AND my husband had his own issues, and all of it was creating a mess I couldn’t bear. We weren’t being “good for each other”. It was plain and simple reality, regardless of fault. That’s when I knew it was really over. I told him I wanted out, for real this time.

I started to focus on my own healing (or refocus, truth be told). I got into positive psychology, started taking B-12, Magnesium, and Ashwaganda for my blown-out adrenals, and hired a counselor, too. I learned to focus my mind out of hormone-created mental “shit storms”, and on the days I couldn’t, I treated myself gently. I began to process all the changes and losses of the past couple of years. I thought about what I still valued in life and took notes. I also realized that I had to at least try and communicate with my husband what I was going through, if just for my own experience. It didn’t matter if he got it or not; I just had to learn to communicate it. I began to want to understand what it was like for him too. I wanted to know all the ways I had been unskillful in our marriage so that if I ever got into another one, it would be better. It was really painful work, digging in the underbelly of so much suffering, much of it self-created. It was also difficult letting go of all the things I simply couldn’t control…like certain symptoms of PMDD or my husband’s perception, understanding, or lack thereof.

Shortly after I took on this mending, a miracle happened. We started really talking again and meeting each other in a different playing field. We both got more skillful. We accepted what we’d been resisting and/or taking personally. We found our love for each other again. We were finding our way to being “good for each other” again.

We are definitely a work-in-progress. Believe me, we still piss each other off, but now, we know when to back off and give each other space, and we know and understand a little better the ways we are either too different or too much alike to help one another. There’s more respect between us.

 So, despite hiring a divorce lawyer, we’re still married and going on three years now. Will we make it to four? It’s possible now, though it had gotten to a point where it wasn’t. There are still times of the month when my cycle shifts gears that I see through the eyes of judgment instead of love, when I just want to get the hell out of here, and when fear tries to take a hold and make me see only problems. Yeah, yeah.

Whatever, dragon!

When I try too hard to understand it all, I often don’t know what to believe. Do I believe the judgments that say he’s a total jerk, agonize over the crumbs and spills in the kitchen, and ruminate on stories about how everything is so terribly wrong? Or do I put my faith in the days when I’m overjoyed to see him, love his hugs and kisses, laugh with him, and feel grateful for his presence in my life and all the ways he blesses it? I know now that for the most part, both heaven and hell are inside me, and no matter where I go, I’ll take them with me. It all boils down to where I place my focus! 

Liana's note:  The above guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are featured on this blog. In the meantime, to find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

PMDD and the MTHFR Gene

Today's gift is a post by PMDD Advocate Danielle Lasher Bosley, which helps to explain the mysterious MTHFR gene we have often read about.  

What is MTHFR? It's an enzyme that can be mutated. Women with PMDD don't all have the mutation, but it is assumed the vast majority of us do. If I had to personally estimate based on women I know who have been tested already, I would say above 90%.

MTHFR is highly linked to mood disorders, autoimmune issues, and many, MANY other things. Heart disease, PCOS, cancer, thyroid issues, addiction, miscarriage, fibromyalgia, IBS, bipolar, chronic fatigue syndrome, asthma, MS, cervical dysplasia and much, much more...

People with the MTHFR mutation cannot properly methylate. When methylation is impaired, they can't detox properly, among other things. Birth control, any synthetic hormones, prescription drugs overall are riskier for us. They essentially get us further away from being better while making us feel better temporarily. 

People with MTHFR should NEVER use acetaminophen (stick with bioron or ibuprofen if needed). We also should not be vaccinated. Many of us in the PMDD community who have researched this illness for many years and have also researched vaccines are confident there are potential links and that for some of us, vaccines contributed to or outright caused the start of this illness.

The two most common forms of MTHFR we know of are c677t and a1298c. Heterozygous MTHFR means you have one copy of one of these. That is the least serious form, but it still predisposes the individual to more risks than someone without MTHFR. Compound heterozygous means you have one copy of each form. This is more severe than the first form I mentioned. The most serious form of MTHFR is homozygous. Homozygous c677t is the worst one. This means you have two copies of the 677 form. Methylation is decreased to an estimated rate of just 30% of what the body should be doing in these cases. 

People affected by the MTHFR mutation need methyl folate. They also need to avoid folic acid. Folic acid is the synthetic form of folate (Liana adds: and is promoted heavily by the media to all women of childbearing age.) With MTHFR mutations, only methyl folate can be received and processed by the body. Synthetic folic acid actually builds up on receptors and blocks natural methyl folate from getting through. This makes us sicker.

Keep in mind this goes beyond vitamins. Folic acid is added to a TON of processed foods. Breads, cakes, potato chips, etc... This is part of the reason we improve when we cut out these foods. You might have heard women speak about their PMDD improving when they go Paleo, etc.... It's not merely because they cut out processed food. It's because in that step, they removed the folic acid from their diet and started consuming methyl folate. Their body is finally able to start working properly and detoxing well.

Vitamin B is also important and majorly impacts our moods. We must avoid cyanocobalamin and only use methylcobalamin. (Liana adds: Read the label on your bottle.)

Synthetic hormones and birth control are not only a risk for us because we have higher risks of heart issues, stroke, and pulmonary embolism, but because the synthetic hormones reduce folate! The hormone part makes you feel better today, but the damage its doing underneath the surface will make this illness, as a whole, harder to treat.

We are also at high risk of vaccine injury. Many of us are confident PMDD may be the result of vaccine injury itself. If you've never researched vaccines, they do indeed cause injuries. Many of them are brain injuries and issues that have led to the development of neurological disorders. As of this date, $3 billion has been paid out to victims of vaccine injuries through the federal vaccine court. The numbers continue to grow.

Vaccines are dangerous for us because they contain adjuvants we can't properly detox from when we have either the MTHFR and/or COMT* gene. MTHFR also inhibits our bodies from removing the toxins that vaccines inject. Just some vaccine ingredients include:

Formaldehyde, aluminum, mercury, aborted fetal cells, cow and monkey DNA, glycophosphate, polysorbate 80 (carcinogenic preservative), neurotoxins like ammonium sulfate, antibiotics (more harm to our guts), phenoxyethanol (antifreeze), and more.

Hope you're all hanging in. We ARE going to resolve this illness. ~Danielle

*Catechol-O-methyltransferase (COMT) is one of several enzymes that degrade catecholamines (such as dopamine, epinephrine, and norepinephrine), catecholestrogens, and various drugs and substances having a catechol structure. In humans, catechol-O-methyltransferase protein is encoded by the COMT gene.

The Voices of PMDD, A Partner's Perspective on Seeking Treatment

I have to start with thanking everyone for reading my last post. It was great to know that my post hit a chord with so many.

Liana asked me an interesting question – does my partner know she suffers from PMDD?

The simple answer is yes, but I think she subconsciously would prefer to forget that PMDD-driven events happen. One of my greatest struggles has been the lack of empathy received during and after PMDD episodes – just part of the PMDD zone, I guess.

How black have I been?

I wrote the following during one of our PMDD episodes:

Do I care anymore?

I don’t like being hurt, but it is also pointless being in a relationship where I don’t get what I need. This can only lead to frustration. I am being made to feel worthless every month. As I’ve been warned, that comes with a substantial mental health cost. There is only so much you can put up with, and I think I am there now.

So, plan from here? I’m an exhausted man. I’ll just avoid her, and give myself space to think about if I can handle things any more. There is no point trying to directly reconcile, as she will just want to fight.

One of the pieces of feedback I received from my prior post was asking what we had done to try and treat the PMDD. I couldn’t fit everything into my prior post, so I thought I’d cover it here.

My partner has found it challenging to seek clinical help – to do so requires her to speak to outsiders regarding the details of her moods etc., that she knows are challenging (you are making me shove pills down my throat/they are making me fat/you are making me tell strangers about how crazy I am).
I completely understand...and yet, I definitely end up with a sense of hopelessness - if she had diabetes, there would be no doubt she'd be accepting of medical help. 
However, with my support and encouragement, we have certainly explored this space.

We first went down the SSRI route. I’ve no doubt this helped, but the side effects became frustrating for both of us.

We sought specialist assistance after that and some hormone type medications were prescribed, one of which was Cyproterone, but it was really a disaster. We only lasted a couple of months – the side effects were horrific. The most accurate description would be that she was in the PMDD zone for two solid months. It is almost impossible to describe how awful you end up feeling as a partner when she is constantly angry and you can't do anything right.  You end up suffering from sleep deprivation from wondering just what has gone so horribly wrong in your relationship. What makes it even worse is she has no ability to understand the impact her behavior is having on you - there is absolutely no empathy. 

I ended up as a burnt out mess.

Where are we today? We are retrying vitamin type supplements, as well as making diet changes. Caffeine seems to be a bit of a problem – one of the many tips we’ve picked up from the Rushing Woman’s Syndrome eBook, which describes the “biochemical and emotional effects of constantly being in a rush, and the health consequences that urgency elicits.ˮ

So things are quite calm at the moment – and my own blackness has gone. Until the next time.

My PMDD Is Not Your PMDD

PMDD is such an individual thing.  What works for me will not necessarily work for you.  What triggers mine will not necessarily trigger yours.  The best I can do is share my research and hope some part of it resonates with enough women that it makes a difference in their lives.  Take caffeine, for instance.  It's been proven to be bad for PMDD.  But is it bad for your PMDD?  Only you can know.  I hardly drink caffeine at all, and I still have PMDD.  I never took birth control pills and I still have PMDD.  I've never experienced trauma of the kinds described in my previous post, and I have PMDD. 

Stress, yes, I have stress in my life.  But my stress is not your stress.  What sets me off might not faze you in the least.  I've only been pregnant once, only had one child.  I've tried HTP-5, Tryptophan, Calcium, Vitamin B Complex and Magnesium.  I've done energy work, meditation, deep breathing exercises, and walking.  Kava kava, evening primrose oil, Omega 3 essential fatty acids, GABA, and various vitamin supplements in cute little packages.  Fluoxetine is as far as I've gone in the drug realm.  I've tried hormone and neurotransmitter balancing diets, cut out sugar and alcohol.  Used bioidentical estrogen and progesterone therapy, both the cream and prescription capsules.  I've faced my emotional issues, cleaned up my life, and taken relationship classes.  I've eaten serotonin boosting foods, made sure I get enough rest, and chart my symptoms.

And still I have PMDD.  But it's not nearly as bad as it used to be.

So what works for me?  I'm not even sure yet.  My symptoms are different from month to month, as are my stressors.  And, as one astute commenter pointed out, stress can come from positive events as well -- it doesn't all have to be negative.  Happy times can cause just as much emotional upheaval as sad ones.

The one thing that has worked the most for me is awareness.  Paying attention to my body, paying attention to my intuition -  listening to how I feel inside.  It's not woo woo.  It's simple wisdom.  For instance, I know a 45 minute walk makes me feel great.  I know certain people and situations make me feel uncomfortable.  I know when something I am doing "just isn't fun" anymore.  I know what makes me feel calm and peaceful, and I know what makes me feel unsettled and angry. 

A lot of women don't know that about themselves.  A lot of women are just so busy running from activity to activity that they simply haven't made the time to get to know themselves. 

There was a time in my life when I thought I wasn't worth getting to know.  Now I am my own best friend.  I look to myself, rely on myself, for every important decision I make.  I go by how it makes me feel inside.  Anxious and edgy?  Cautious?  Bored? Confident? Terrified? Serene?

The body never lies.  If you let it, it will tell you exactly what you need to know...and exactly how you feel about something...anything...going on in your life.

Ever look at a cat, really look at it?  I've used this example before.  Cats just "are."  They know who they are, and what they want, and what they don't want.  And they know how to tell you these things -- without making excuses or apologies. If they want love, they come around.  If they want to be left alone, they go off and be alone.  If they are unhappy, they let you know. 

Why can't we be the same?  Why can't we simply accept or decline whatever is placed before us without going through a whole bunch of angst and/or guilt?  Why can't we live in the moment and deal with situations as they arise?  Why can't we just take a nap in the sun if that's what our bodies indicate we should do?  Why do we have to run around -- do this, do that -- exhausted all the time? 

Why can't we make changes and maybe try something new without upsetting someone else?  I hear this from women all the time.  "He wouldn't want me to..."  "I don't think my (insert friend, relative, co-worker here) would like that."  Or "I don't think (name someone, even your children) would let me do that."

Wouldn't like it?  Wouldn't let you?  I'm talking about things here that would benefit your health and well being.  I'm not talking about women going wild.  I'm talking about basic human needs.  Love, companionship, respect, dignity.  Consideration, concern, compassion, and understanding.  Why wouldn't someone who claims to love you or even just care about you want you to do what you need to do to be the best person you can possibly be?  Why would they want to hold you back from that?  Why would they want you to be "less" of a complete companion, parent, child, sibling, caretaker, employee?

To completely manage your PMDD, you need to take time out for you.  You need to be your own best friend and advocate.  You need to slow down long enough to listen to your body, and listen to your feelings, not the cacophony of demands life puts on us all day long.  You need to take some time to understand your individual quirks and condition, what sets you off and what makes you calm.  You need to stop "reacting" to your life (which leads to that out of control feeling we all know and hate) and become more "proactive".  You need to anticipate when your PMDD is coming, and adjust things around how you feel. 

I'm having a PMDD episode right now.  It's been going on for several days.  My awareness of it has allowed me to adjust for it, and keep my activities calm and low key.  Doing so has also allowed me to put in three slow but steady 18-hour days in a row without snapping at anyone or bursting into tears. 

Amazing. That never would have happened before I became aware of my PMDD.  I can think of at least half a dozen times these past few days where I would have *lost it* in the past.  I may still lose it.  It happens.  But the chance of it happening is a hell of a lot less than it used to be - since I started listening to my body.  Since I started cultivating my awareness of my PMDD.

The body never lies.  When it needs something, it lets you know.  When it senses trouble or danger, it lets you know.  When you meet someone who will be good for you...it lets you know.  The same goes for when you encounter someone or something that is bad for you.  The body knows right from wrong even if your mind is muddled by such things as guilt, pressure, manipulation, deception, negativity, or prevailing social and cultural messages. 

I think a lot of our PMDD crises stem from outside sources.  That's not to say that there's not stuff going on inside that makes us detonate....I'm well aware right now that I could either fall apart or blow up or both at any moment...but if I wasn't able to control my attitude -- and if I wasn't able to be proactive through awareness instead of reactive -- I know my fuse would be a lot shorter. 

Instead I'm listening to my body, taking each moment as it comes, moving from task to task, taking calming breaths, eating healthy, maintaining as positive an attitude as my PMDD brain will let me -- and when I start to get all tense and stressed....I either go for a walk, or lie down and rest. 

The work will wait.  The world can wait.  I'm not that indispensable that my life -- or anyone else's -- will fall apart if I take half an hour to recharge and regroup.

Try it.  What have you got to lose?

PMDD and Nutrition

Okay, after all those posts telling you what you need to avoid, I promised to take a break and tell you some of the good and positive things you can do to lessen and help manage your PMDD. Because there is no cure for PMDD. Get that straight in your head right now--no matter what anybody on the internet or on television promises you. There is no cure. Period. You can make it go away for a while by either masking it with a various assortment of drugs, or by making positive lifestyle changes and treating yourself the way you deserve to be treated.

But if you don’t keep up indefinitely whichever path you choose, day in and day out, the PMDD will be back—and most times with a vengeance.

One of the best natural things you can do to manage your PMDD (in addition to reducing the stress in your life, exercising regularly, and getting enough rest) is to pay very close attention to what you eat. Nutrition, nutrition, nutrition. Any body responds well to good nutrition, but a woman with PMDD in particular needs to pay attention to her nutritional needs if she wants to keep her hormones functioning at optimal levels and in balance.

Recently I attempted a ten-day detoxification fast, with the goal of ridding my body of accumulated toxins, re-setting my metabolism, and re-establishing my hormonal balance. I went eight days without solid food, and would have gone longer, if I didn’t have a four-hour community service commitment I had to go to. I wasn’t sure what would be involved, or if we would be eating, and I decided I’d rather go off the fast than have to explain what I was doing and why I wasn’t eating. People can be so touchy about that, if they offer you food and you don’t eat it.

I needed a day to switch gears before going on this outing with my church, so I stopped the fast at the end of day eight.

While I was on the fast, I felt great hormonally. Never better. No mood swings, lots of energy, an amazing clarity of mind, and all sorts of warm, fuzzy feelings of well-being.

I went off the fast, and the very next day, my PMDD returned. My first thought was it was because of something I was eating. My best guess is that something is meat and dairy products. Why? Because unless you go specifically hunting for sources of meat and dairy products that are antibiotic and hormone-free…which I do most of the time but didn’t take the time to last week…you’re going to get some of those substances in the meat and dairy products you consume (including cheese, cream, butter, yogurt and milk), and it’s going to affect your own delicate hormonal balance.

And boy, did it, in my case. Why? Because those first couple of days off the fast, I treated myself to a big bowl of cottage cheese and tomatoes, using the last home-grown tomatoes of the season. I’ve always considered real cottage cheese (the full fat kind, not that low fat stuff) more tasty than ice cream…so it’s my special treat, and when the home grown tomatoes are in season…I can’t resist.

But after two days of feeling like my old PMDD self, I started resisting. And when I started resisting, I started feeling better. Then, two days ago, I went on a road trip, where for the most part, only fast food and vending machine food was available. The next morning, I couldn’t seem to wake up, couldn’t get my day started at all. I was in a total fog and couldn’t shake it to save myself.

The culprits? Coffee, cheese and crackers, and (even though the fast food place said it was home made) a very tasty Sloppy Joe.

So in an attempt to revive the energy and clarity of my food fast, I went back to the basics—oatmeal, fresh fruits and vegetables, seeds, nuts and other whole foods. I ended the day by making a very tasty and filling vegetable soup, with no interest at all in my usual accompanying cheese and crackers.

Today I feel 100% better. We’ll see what happens in the days to come as I continue to eat no meat that isn’t hormone-free, no cheese, and drink no milk.

I’m not saying this will work for you, but it’s definitely something I am willing to try, after having felt so good and energetic those eight days I didn’t eat or drink any of the above. The only things I actually missed in those eight days were fruit, salad, and nuts.

How interesting, that given the chance to strip things down to the bare bones, by eating no solid food for over a week, that the things my body craved were all good and healthy foods. Proof positive that if you just listen to your body--not your emotions, as in emotional eating--it will steer you to the right kinds of fuel. The only reason I went after the cottage cheese, was because I knew my days for eating the last fresh tomatoes of the season were limited.

I also found it interesting that while fasting I didn’t give chocolate a second thought. Wanting some never entered my mind. I also had absolutely no desire to eat anything made with refined sugar or flour—and still don’t. It totally amazes me. The fast was drastic, yes, but in a sense it did reset my hunger mechanisms. And I did ease into it by eating mostly salads for a few days before I began.

Although yesterday (with my PMDD going on) I did crave chocolate, but since the fast I find I don’t care for the taste of solid chocolate, and so instead of eating my regular brand of chocolate, I switched to drinking more of the healthy Mocha Cappuccino drink I have recommended before, from Bolthouse Farms.

It’s doing the trick, so as long as that works, I am a happy camper.

But, like I said, this is only what is working for me, and I am, as always, a work in progress. According to Ann Louise Gittleman, who wrote Super Nutrition for Women: A Food-Wise Guide for Health, Beauty, Energy and Immunity, particularly good nutritional choices for women who have PMDD include:

Blackstrap molasses
Broccoli
Lentils
Sea vegetables (check out your local health foods store)
Sesame Seeds
Sunflower seeds
Whole brown rice

What about Vitamins and Supplements?

Supplements can help, but should never replace food. The body works best with healthy food. By healthy I mean whole, natural, nutrient-rich foods. Not processed foods of any kind (like my beloved cheese). Vitamin and mineral supplementation can quickly send you into imbalance if you use them to try to make up for eating a nutrient-poor diet—meaning lots of processed food and fast food on the run--especially if you take more of any vitamin or mineral than you need.

More does not equal better in most, if not all cases of vitamin supplementation.

Beyond a daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin (not just something off the shelf at your local discount store—sorry!), or daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin pack, and some added calcium and magnesium, maybe some extra vitamin C during cold season, you need to get most, if not all of your PMDD nutritional needs from the foods you eat. The benefit of a daily multi-vitamin is to offset the daily depletion of nutrients from our bodies due to environmental pollutants such as smoke, carbon dioxide, pesticides, chemical-based cleaners, perfumes, deodorizers, air fresheners and the like, and medications of any kind, over the counter or prescription, including birth control pills (which cause deficiencies of folic acid and vitamins B 6 and B 12—both integral to mood stability).

In short, with all the toxins we are exposed to daily, a good multi-vitamin just keeps you from ending your day in the negative column. It gives you a good baseline to start from, but you still need to eat right to feel strong and healthy.

Our bodies know best. We need to learn to listen to them carefully and treat them well, so that they can do the same in return. Only when we choose to take charge of our health--when we decide to take control of our diets and make good and healthy food choices--will we have any hope of getting off the PMDD Not-So-Merry-go-round, and finally managing our unruly hormones.

Short version: Eat whole, natural foods as close to the source as possible; go organic whenever you can afford it; avoid all processed foods and as many medications as you can, both over the counter and prescription; take a daily pharmaceutical grade multi-vitamin or vitamin pack; make sure you get some added calcium and magnesium; minimize the environmental toxins in your home and work space; exercise regularly; get plenty of rest; and de-stress your life as much as possible.

A more detailed breakdown of each of these items will appear in blog posts to come.