I’ve spent quite a bit of time searching the internet for Resources and Advice for men dealing with a woman who suffers from PMDD. Unfortunately, most articles lump PMS and PMDD together, which does a great disservice to women with PMDD. In the comment sections of these articles both men and women express anger and resentment toward the women who experience true PMDD: the men claiming the articles give women a license to behave badly two weeks out of the month, and the women claiming the women with extreme mood swings give all women a bad name.
So, to clear a few things up…
20% of women suffer no pre-menstrual symptoms at all
80% of women suffer from some combination of pre-menstrual symptoms
20-40% experience moderate discomfort pre-menstrually
Up to 10% of women suffer from PMDD
This post is written for the men who have partners in the last category.
But before we get started, a quick primer on the differences between PMS and PMDD.
PMS deals primarily with physical symptoms. Bloating, aching, cramping, tenderness, fatigue, headaches, food cravings, and mild mood swings are the most well-known of the more than 150 symptoms possible. A little irritability, tension, sadness, weepiness, or any combination thereof is par for the course.
The major component of PMDD is mood swings in the extreme. PMDD actually affects your brain’s capability to regulate itself, and therefore affects just about every other hormone in your body. That’s not to say a woman can’t have the bloating, aching, cramping, fatigue, cravings, and other physical symptoms. If she does, it may well be that she suffers from both PMDD and PMS, and once she gets her PMDD under control, all she’ll be left with is some PMS.
Frankly, I think most women with PMDD would be happy to simply suffer some form of PMS. Because PMS is to PMDD what a headache is to a migraine. There is a distinct difference, and that difference is biological—not mental. The biology of PMS and PMDD share many similarities, but at some point they split into completely different paths. An explanation of that is beyond the scope of this post, but I’ll be happy to write about it some other time.
For now, it’s enough to know that PMS and PMDD are two completely different things.
That’s not to say your relationship won’t benefit from the advice in this post if your partner simply has PMS. But we’re not talking about PMS here today, we’re talking full-blown PMDD.
1. Both you and your partner should mark the time on a calendar when you expect her to be pre-menstrual. This can be hard if her cycle is not regular, but do the best you can to identify patterns. An explanation of my pattern is here, and can give you an idea of what symptoms to look for.
If your partner is in denial, and claims there’s nothing wrong with her—mark your own calendar separately. In many cases, the man can tell before the woman that she’s entering into her pre-menstrual phase, because he’s watching from the outside, while she’s busy trying to cope—either consciously or sub-consciously--with the unwanted changes going on in her brain and body.
Please note: There are women who are in complete denial that anything different is happening to them, and then there are women who know what’s happening, but “really don’t want to deal with this right now” because they are too busy to, and so they pretend nothing is happening, and they really aren’t feeling any differently, until it’s too late to do anything about it, and the episode erupts full force.
Determine which type of woman you are living with, and keep track accordingly. Apparently there are several applications available on the iPhone and Android phones to help you track her cycle, but an old-fashioned calendar will do just as well.
2. If she’s indicated that this is what she would prefer, try to stay clear of her until the episode passes. This has nothing to do with you, or her love for you. It’s simply due to her heightened sensitivity to any combination of the five senses. She literally can’t handle any more sensory input—be it bright lights, loud noises, touch of any kind, strong smells, or even certain foods. If a PMDD woman has allergies of any kind, they can be exacerbated pre-menstrually. If she has any another condition, such as arthritis, diabetes, or fibromyalgia, they can be exacerbated as well.
Even if she’s otherwise healthy, during an episode of PMDD a woman is literally is a walking bundle of nerves. Unfortunately for both of you, this heightened sensitivity and discomfort can be so distracting that it causes her an inability to focus on things like questions, requests, conversations, or simple instructions. (Now you know why she forgot to pick up your suit at the cleaners.)
Take the first one, for example: You have a question that requires more than minimal thought and consideration.
Examples would be:
Major purchases—car, appliances, maybe that boat/motorcycle/sportscar you’ve always wanted (not a good time to bring it up)
Health decisions
Financial decisions
Employment decisions
Decisions involving having or raising children
Vacation plans
Any change of routine or structure in your life
Why? Because during a PMDD episode a woman’s brain is not functioning properly. This has nothing to do with how smart or intelligent she is. This is her brain chemistry being disrupted due to the hormonal shifts taking place in her body. During a PMDD episode it can take all of her concentration simply to focus on the basics of getting through each day. If you come at her with anything resembling a major decision, it could overload her brain and cause a meltdown.
So if she asks for space during that time, please give it to her.
3. Be patient. Dealing with anybody on a short fuse can be challenging. If she snaps at you, or does something that irritates you, don't lose your temper and fight back. It won't do any good, and in most cases will only make things worse. Just (discreetly) take a deep breath, maybe say a prayer, and ignore whatever she just did that bothered you. Remember that she's not normally like this and she’ll be herself again soon.
4. Do not enable immature behavior. I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. Being emotional does not excuse inappropriate behavior, any more than being drunk excuses offensive behavior. If she’s being immature, yelling, shouting, stomping, snapping, cursing, slamming or throwing things, don’t respond with your own immature behavior. She at least has an explanation for it—a biological explanation. What’s your excuse?
Stay calm and leave the room if you have to, until she settles down. Let her know you love her and you’ll be nearby, but you can’t have a conversation with her when she’s being irrational. Believe me, she knows she’s being irrational. But without conscious effort at awareness, she can’t stop herself any more than she could stop an allergic reaction. If you calmly point out that she’s being immature or irrational and say you’ll be happy to continue this conversation another time, things will settle down a lot more quickly than if you respond with your own emotional outburst.
5. Listen to her, even if she’s not making any sense. Try to figure out what the REAL problem is. If she’s complaining about something that’s never bothered her before, or doesn’t usually bother her, most likely what she’s saying is “I feel miserable, and there’s nothing I can do about it, so I’m looking for something else to change and hoping that will make me feel better.” This is a time of true desperation for her. She’s looking for anything, rational or irrational, that will make her feel better. This is a good time to suggest she take some time out for herself, maybe a hot bath, or a cup of tea and a good book, or whatever soothes her soul. Let her know you support her need to have a little time to pamper herself in whatever way makes her the happiest.
But beware of sending her out on a shopping spree. Retail therapy will only make things worse when the mood has passed and the bills come in.
6. Don't take it personally. During an episode of PMDD, you can count on her emotions getting the best of her, and she'll probably question your relationship. She might question you. Might question her whole life and everything she believes or stands for. This is normal and natural for a woman during an episode of PMDD. As mentioned in Number 5 above, she's feeling helpless, and sometimes when people feel helpless they look for other things they can control, and that might mean bringing up topics or suggesting changes that trigger your emotions. Your best defense against this is to stay level-headed and calmly say, "Ok, I understand." What you really understand is that you're still the same person she loved before her PMDD episode kicked in, and her change in perception of you and her life overall is the PMDD talking, not her. For more information on this, see my post It’s Not Personal – It’s Just My PMDD.
7. Be compassionate. Think about a time when stress or physical changes made you hard to get along with. Have you ever been sleep-deprived? Maybe you had an accident or were the hospital, and the chronic pain made you want to lash out at everybody. Put yourself in her shoes. Not only is she experiencing uncomfortable physical symptoms, but her hormones also ebbing and flowing, making it almost impossible for her to know how she feels or what she wants. Think of the effect testosterone has had on you, like when you get sexually aroused, or on any occasion when you felt aggression or rage. You remember how you felt caught up in the emotion, how it made you want to say and do things you ordinarily wouldn’t say or do. That’s what’s happening to her.
8. Be forgiving and reassuring. Her insecurities will definitely come up during an episode of PMDD, and with her heightened sensitivity, every negative thought she has will be magnified ten times over. If she doesn’t consciously stop the negative thoughts, they will flow through her mind in an endless loop. If you can get her to talk about them, fine. Some women won’t want to, because they know the thoughts are irrational, even while they are having them, they just don’t know how to stop them. Nobody wants to share irrational thoughts, and then remember they did so when the episode is over—even if the only one remembering them is her.
If she feels unloved and insecure, she’ll probably act out, which will make you not want to be around her, which will "confirm" her negative thoughts. Most women feel insecure about their bodies to start with, maybe even their lovemaking, child-rearing, housekeeping, or professional skills, and if they’re in any way insecure about your feelings for them, this is when that insecurity will come out. So try to give her a few extra compliments (and don’t be offended if she doesn’t believe you, or snaps at you for it), and—if she’ll let you (remember those heightened sensory sensitivities)--be more affectionate. If she won’t let you near her, don’t make her feel badly by taking it personally. Guilt is the last thing she needs when she’s feeling unlovable. Tell her you understand and you’ll be around if she changes her mind. That could well be all it takes to melt her defenses.
More on this next week, as that’s enough for now. For more information, I invite you to scroll through my most popular posts, as indicated in the sidebar.
Take care, and good luck!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Relationships and PMDD - Finding the Right Partner
Okay, today’s post begins the one I had in mind when I started this series on relationships. But once I started thinking about it, I realized that for any of us to have a successful relationship, we have to start with ourselves. We have to know ourselves, like ourselves, and be friends with ourselves before we can successfully have any sort of relationship with anyone else, be it friendship, a family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other.
People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you don’t know yourself, don’t understand yourself, how can you explain your PMDD to anyone else? If you don’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration, how can you expect anyone else to?
So I started with Relationships Begin With You, then emphasized the importance of getting to know yourself as well as you would a friend, and then offered some ideas on how to be a friend to yourself, or how to treat yourself the way you would a friend. Because, face it, most of us treat friends better than we do ourselves. We’re there for friends, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves…for any number of reasons, we drop the ball. Those issues go way beyond the subject of PMDD, so this is not the place to explore them.
I then tackled the topic of family—offered tips on how to get along with your family, especially during family gatherings--and if for reasons beyond your control, you just can’t get along with some family members—I wrote about how to “just say no” to family gatherings for your own peace of mind and well being. This is not opting out. This counts as being good to yourself, and treating yourself like a friend. If a friend came to you and said, “I just can’t deal with my family, family drama stresses me out, or I love them but they just plain make me feel crazy,” what would you tell that friend?
Then tell yourself the same thing. Do what you can to get along, and learn to let go of the rest. Take a break from the family if you need to, if you need some time to get your head together. The only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. If others behave badly, that’s not on you. But if you’re the one behaving badly, then you need to take a look at that, take some time out, and do your best to figure out what you could be doing differently. Be the change you want to see in your world. Start with taking care of yourself.
Many of us are already in relationships, and have children. Children who depend on us to be there for them, no matter what kind of day we are having. Taking care of ourselves helps us to be better able to take care of them. When we’re calm, relaxed, and happy, we’re much better able to weather the storms life brings into our days, and provide that emotional stability our children need to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
They can’t do that if we’re in a bad relationship, whatever the reason. So if you’re not willing to put forth the effort to find or create a healthy, stable, and supportive relationship for yourself, then do it for them—the kids who are counting on you to show them how to navigate life’s many challenges. If you don’t show them…who will?
To have a good relationship, you need a supportive partner. Period. If your partner isn’t supportive of your needs as a woman with PMDD, you might as well be a salmon swimming upstream. But for your partner to be supportive of those needs, you have to know what those needs are, yourself. When you’re having an episode, do you need calm and quiet, or do you need to be held? Do you need to be left alone, or do you want someone who can gently and lovingly help to ease you out of your negative mood? Will flowers and candy help? Do you just want to watch TV or read a book, or do you want to talk?
The answers are as varied as can be. But the key to any good relationship is communication. Maybe one month you’ll want to go out to dinner. Maybe another you’ll want to take a long bath. Maybe you’ll want to make some popcorn and watch a comedy. Maybe you’ll want to go for a walk. Maybe you just want to feel appreciated.
Whatever you want, you need to be able to communicate that to your partner. And if your partner won’t cooperate…is he or she the right partner for you? I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s not an excuse to behave badly. It’s not an excuse to take your anger, irritation, or sadness out on others. It’s not an excuse to withdraw and/or abandon your responsibilities.
But it is an explanation for why you feel tempted to do these things when having an episode of PMDD.
The first thing you need to do is chart your symptoms, to discover what your pattern is. I detailed mine in my post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD. Once you know what your pattern is, you need to let your partner know when your bad days are coming, and ask for some extra consideration on those days. If you have a really good relationship with your partner, he or she might be able to see the storm coming before it arrives. I know there have been many times in my life that I was completely unaware that I was starting to act out of character, until my best friend, a man, pointed it out. Then I had to decide if he was right or not, because nobody knows my mental, emotional, or physical state as well as I do.
Sometimes he’s right, and sometimes he’s wrong. When he’s right, we go into PMDD mode. When he’s wrong, I do my best to figure out what’s really bothering me, and if he’s involved, we talk about it. If he’s not, I might ask him to help me figure out ways to deal with the person or situation that is causing my anger and or tears.
Beware of partners who tell you that you must be having an episode just because you’re upset with them for one reason or another. There come times in everyone’s lives when we are genuine angry or upset with someone about something. And that’s okay. Anger and emotional upset are normal and natural signals that something is not going right in our lives. They’re like warning lights, letting us know that here is something going on that needs to be addressed. The key is to know the difference—are you genuinely angry, or has your PMDD kicked in?
If your PMDD has kicked in, revert to the list of phrases I mentioned in my last post. What works with children and family members works just as well with partners. Or make up your own list. Agree on these code phrases beforehand, when you are feeling well. Then, when the bad days come, you’ll have them ready to diffuse tense situations that arise.
A good relationship of any kind is based on mutual admiration and respect. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your need for space or extra attention when the bad days come. If you’re not, you will likely find yourself with a partner who ignores you, demeans you, eggs you on, refuses to believe you, and/or abandons you when you most need love and support. Partners like this only add to the problem, because they create stress. Stress exacerbates PMDD and PMDD causes stress.
So the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a partner who will not add to your stress when you are already stressed. If your partner simply won’t listen, then there’s more going on in your relationship than just your PMDD. Don’t let anyone blame you or your PMDD solely for the failures in a relationship, be they friends, family, or your significant other. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you’re trying, and the other party isn’t—it’s not just about your PMDD. They’re using your PMDD as an excuse to avoid looking at whatever else may be going wrong in the relationship.
I don’t know any gentler way to say it. If somebody loves you, truly loves you, they will work with you to find a way to make your life easier and your episodes more bearable. They will be open to information and resources on the subject, and will want to help you get better. They will not walk away, and they will not cast 100% of the blame on you. They may not be happy with you at times, but they will be there for you.
If they are not…then you need to start at the beginning again…and learn how to be there for yourself.
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners. Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.
People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you don’t know yourself, don’t understand yourself, how can you explain your PMDD to anyone else? If you don’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration, how can you expect anyone else to?
So I started with Relationships Begin With You, then emphasized the importance of getting to know yourself as well as you would a friend, and then offered some ideas on how to be a friend to yourself, or how to treat yourself the way you would a friend. Because, face it, most of us treat friends better than we do ourselves. We’re there for friends, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves…for any number of reasons, we drop the ball. Those issues go way beyond the subject of PMDD, so this is not the place to explore them.
I then tackled the topic of family—offered tips on how to get along with your family, especially during family gatherings--and if for reasons beyond your control, you just can’t get along with some family members—I wrote about how to “just say no” to family gatherings for your own peace of mind and well being. This is not opting out. This counts as being good to yourself, and treating yourself like a friend. If a friend came to you and said, “I just can’t deal with my family, family drama stresses me out, or I love them but they just plain make me feel crazy,” what would you tell that friend?
Then tell yourself the same thing. Do what you can to get along, and learn to let go of the rest. Take a break from the family if you need to, if you need some time to get your head together. The only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. If others behave badly, that’s not on you. But if you’re the one behaving badly, then you need to take a look at that, take some time out, and do your best to figure out what you could be doing differently. Be the change you want to see in your world. Start with taking care of yourself.
Many of us are already in relationships, and have children. Children who depend on us to be there for them, no matter what kind of day we are having. Taking care of ourselves helps us to be better able to take care of them. When we’re calm, relaxed, and happy, we’re much better able to weather the storms life brings into our days, and provide that emotional stability our children need to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
They can’t do that if we’re in a bad relationship, whatever the reason. So if you’re not willing to put forth the effort to find or create a healthy, stable, and supportive relationship for yourself, then do it for them—the kids who are counting on you to show them how to navigate life’s many challenges. If you don’t show them…who will?
To have a good relationship, you need a supportive partner. Period. If your partner isn’t supportive of your needs as a woman with PMDD, you might as well be a salmon swimming upstream. But for your partner to be supportive of those needs, you have to know what those needs are, yourself. When you’re having an episode, do you need calm and quiet, or do you need to be held? Do you need to be left alone, or do you want someone who can gently and lovingly help to ease you out of your negative mood? Will flowers and candy help? Do you just want to watch TV or read a book, or do you want to talk?
The answers are as varied as can be. But the key to any good relationship is communication. Maybe one month you’ll want to go out to dinner. Maybe another you’ll want to take a long bath. Maybe you’ll want to make some popcorn and watch a comedy. Maybe you’ll want to go for a walk. Maybe you just want to feel appreciated.
Whatever you want, you need to be able to communicate that to your partner. And if your partner won’t cooperate…is he or she the right partner for you? I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s not an excuse to behave badly. It’s not an excuse to take your anger, irritation, or sadness out on others. It’s not an excuse to withdraw and/or abandon your responsibilities.
But it is an explanation for why you feel tempted to do these things when having an episode of PMDD.
The first thing you need to do is chart your symptoms, to discover what your pattern is. I detailed mine in my post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD. Once you know what your pattern is, you need to let your partner know when your bad days are coming, and ask for some extra consideration on those days. If you have a really good relationship with your partner, he or she might be able to see the storm coming before it arrives. I know there have been many times in my life that I was completely unaware that I was starting to act out of character, until my best friend, a man, pointed it out. Then I had to decide if he was right or not, because nobody knows my mental, emotional, or physical state as well as I do.
Sometimes he’s right, and sometimes he’s wrong. When he’s right, we go into PMDD mode. When he’s wrong, I do my best to figure out what’s really bothering me, and if he’s involved, we talk about it. If he’s not, I might ask him to help me figure out ways to deal with the person or situation that is causing my anger and or tears.
Beware of partners who tell you that you must be having an episode just because you’re upset with them for one reason or another. There come times in everyone’s lives when we are genuine angry or upset with someone about something. And that’s okay. Anger and emotional upset are normal and natural signals that something is not going right in our lives. They’re like warning lights, letting us know that here is something going on that needs to be addressed. The key is to know the difference—are you genuinely angry, or has your PMDD kicked in?
If your PMDD has kicked in, revert to the list of phrases I mentioned in my last post. What works with children and family members works just as well with partners. Or make up your own list. Agree on these code phrases beforehand, when you are feeling well. Then, when the bad days come, you’ll have them ready to diffuse tense situations that arise.
A good relationship of any kind is based on mutual admiration and respect. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your need for space or extra attention when the bad days come. If you’re not, you will likely find yourself with a partner who ignores you, demeans you, eggs you on, refuses to believe you, and/or abandons you when you most need love and support. Partners like this only add to the problem, because they create stress. Stress exacerbates PMDD and PMDD causes stress.
So the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a partner who will not add to your stress when you are already stressed. If your partner simply won’t listen, then there’s more going on in your relationship than just your PMDD. Don’t let anyone blame you or your PMDD solely for the failures in a relationship, be they friends, family, or your significant other. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you’re trying, and the other party isn’t—it’s not just about your PMDD. They’re using your PMDD as an excuse to avoid looking at whatever else may be going wrong in the relationship.
I don’t know any gentler way to say it. If somebody loves you, truly loves you, they will work with you to find a way to make your life easier and your episodes more bearable. They will be open to information and resources on the subject, and will want to help you get better. They will not walk away, and they will not cast 100% of the blame on you. They may not be happy with you at times, but they will be there for you.
If they are not…then you need to start at the beginning again…and learn how to be there for yourself.
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners. Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD
Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.
Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.
This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.
Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.
Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.
Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.
You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?
Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.
The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”
They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.
The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.
Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.
But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.
If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.
Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.
If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.
If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….
It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.
So think about that.
My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.
But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.
My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.
The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.
Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.
And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?
Think about that one for a while.
You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.
So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.
I’m talking about adults here.
When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.
If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.
Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)
That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.
Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.
This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.
Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.
Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.
Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.
You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?
Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.
The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”
They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.
The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.
Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.
But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.
If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.
Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.
Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.
If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.
If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….
It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.
So think about that.
My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.
But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.
My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.
The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.
Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.
And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?
Think about that one for a while.
You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.
So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.
I’m talking about adults here.
When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.
If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.
Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)
That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Relationships - How To Survive Family Gatherings
Although many of you enjoyed it, and very much I appreciate your saying so, I wasn’t completely happy with my post last week. I generally try to offer positive insights and information, and somehow the idea of leaving it at “If you don’t get along with your family, then just don’t go,” didn’t set well with me.
Because there are a lot of us who genuinely would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one reason or another, simply aren’t willing or ready to make that kind of a break with our fundamental family ties…because without family, what are we, but alone?
Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when, according to what see on television, everyone else is out having the time of their lives.
So, this week I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your future family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.
1. Lower your expectations: Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? Your television. Starting well into October, advertisements abound showing happy families gathering and sharing their holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like skinny runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday real life.
And don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, cooks, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?
Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when, according to what see on television, everyone else is out having the time of their lives.
So, this week I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your future family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.
1. Lower your expectations: Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? Your television. Starting well into October, advertisements abound showing happy families gathering and sharing their holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like skinny runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday real life.
And don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, cooks, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?
Same with the happy families on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and production crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other! They’re just a bunch of strangers acting like a happy family.
So don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like.
2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for nuggets of good humor throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink, perhaps even asking if there is anything you can bring back for them. (If you're already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. "Would you like some more mashed potatoes?") Switch the focus to them, in a polite way. Don’t let them get your goat. Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.
So don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like.
2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for nuggets of good humor throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink, perhaps even asking if there is anything you can bring back for them. (If you're already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. "Would you like some more mashed potatoes?") Switch the focus to them, in a polite way. Don’t let them get your goat. Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.
3. Use the event as an opportunity for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use it as an opportunity to learn about how you “don’t” want to be.
4. Set your intention to have a good time, no matter what. Get a good night’s sleep beforehand. Read up and prepare yourself to view the gathering as a spiritual event. One in which you know your spirit will be challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books I’ve ever read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.
5. Eliminate three words from your vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. The reasons why are explained in this article.
6. Stay sober. I know this is a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a PMDD woman needs to stay away from alcohol.
7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.
8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are ignored or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.
9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.
10. Drive separately, so that you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, call a friend you’ve arranged to call beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free.
7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.
8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are ignored or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.
9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.
10. Drive separately, so that you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, call a friend you’ve arranged to call beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free.
11. And it may well go against the grain, but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your mate’s family, you’ll have as many years as you need to, to work on it.
12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Simply limit your time with your closest relatives, so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.
Below are some other excellent resources for success:
Overall tips on dealing with holiday stress:
12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Simply limit your time with your closest relatives, so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.
Below are some other excellent resources for success:
Overall tips on dealing with holiday stress:
This article from Spiritual Zen has some really good ideas, such as be prepared and have a plan, seek to understand rather than be understood, and know when enough is enough.
And for the less spiritual and more practical among us: Practical Tips for Dealing With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays
When all else fails, disengage.
Because sometimes nothing less than Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with it guilt-free, telling your family you’re simply taking a break and will see them next time.
Next week: Dealing with your immediate family when you have PMDD. Until then, Happy New Year and be blessed...
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Relationships - Choosing Your Family
Families are…hard to deal with, any way you look at it. They consist of the people who are supposed to love you the most, care more about your welfare than anyone else, treat you more kindly than strangers, and keep you safe from the world’s evils.
But they don’t. In fact, they quite often do the opposite. Which leaves all of us feeling pretty damn confused. If my family is supposed to love me and nurture me, provide for my needs and keep me safe…but doesn’t…then how can I expect anyone else to love and encourage me, provide for my needs, and keep me safe?
That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. So I spent yesterday morning researching articles on families and the holidays, hoping to offer some sage words of wisdom in my post on family relationships, and researching took so long I used up the time I would have used writing the post. The worst part was the best advice I could come up with was…
Just say no.
That’s right…just say no. If your family is toxic…then just don’t go to those holiday events, reunions, and family affairs. Article after article after article said the same thing.
Being the kind of person who much prefers to see everyone get along, this message was rather disappointing to me. But it trumped the message boards, hands down.
And I have to admit, that if you follow the advice in my previous posts, about making friends with yourself first, before you make friends with others, and about choosing your friends wisely, and choosing to spend time only with those people who exhibit the qualities you would most like to develop in yourself—how many of us would choose our own families?
Some of us have families that are truly supportive, encouraging us to be the best person we can possibly be. Others, unfortunately, are pits of dysfunctional hell. If you have PMDD, due to the correlation between childhood abuse and PMDD, chances are your family falls more firmly into the second category. Which also means the relationship you’re in right now is probably unhealthy. Which only adds to your problems with PMDD. Like attracts like, (even if you’re opposites—you’re the same in your ability to have a healthy relationship), and if you were abused as a child, the chances are good you will end up in a relationship that is abusive in one way or another. Which will only make your PMDD symptoms worse.
I’m jumping ahead of myself here, because my next post will be about dealing with your immediate family…but the facts can not be denied…studies have shown there is a strong correlation between abusive relationships of any kind, and PMDD.
So…if you have PMDD, chances are your extended family relationships are strained, and holiday gatherings are not pleasant. Taking us back to the first relationship post, where I said relationships begin with you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to listen to yourself, to your intuition and your body, to become more aware of your feelings about everything, and let them guide you.
Emotions are just that, emotions, and they will pass. But feelings, true feelings, will resonate in your body. If the thought of going somewhere and spending time with people you don’t like and who don’t like you fills your body with dread, churns your stomach, gives you a stress headache, puts you on edge, or makes you reach for substances that dull your pain, then yes, you need to stop and think twice about why you are doing this to yourself. Remember, if you don’t look out for yourself, nobody is going to do it for you.
If you don’t set the boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from other people in the way of behavior, be they family or strangers, nobody is going to do it for you. People with abusive personalities don’t recognize or observe boundaries—they will push and push and push as much as you let them. You can either 1) push back—which benefits no one—2) set your boundaries and quietly but firmly enforce them—which abusers will then call abuse, since you are no longer letting them have their way—3) simply refuse to engage, by not answering (unfortunately, this method has its own drawbacks) or 4) not attend any event in which you are likely to be treated with any form of disrespect.
In the end, it all comes down to you again, and how healthy you want to be. PMDD and stress are like the chicken and the egg. Nobody knows which comes first. But they do have a strong correlating relationship, and one affects the other. How you handle stress affects your PMDD and how you handle (or don’t handle) your PMDD definitely causes stress.
The best thing to do then, to get a handle on your PMDD, is to remove all sources of stress from your life. This in itself can be extremely stressful, but in the long run is much healthier than taking drug after drug to solve a problem that can not be fixed by taking drugs, no matter what the drug companies tell you.
So the same advice applies to forming or perpetuating family relationships that applies to forming and maintaining friendships—are the people you spend time with people who exhibit the positive qualities you would like to have more of in your life?
If not, then why are you spending time with them?
Sometimes you have to go out and create your own family. This works, too, because once you get right down to it, a family, like a home, is simply a place in your heart. You can create a home anywhere, and you can create the kind of family you’d like to have anywhere as well. To do that, however, you might have to first let go of the old one. Or at least limit contact with them until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and can comfortably deal with the stress of the situation.
Until then, they’re going to keep getting to you, your PMDD will continue to worsen, and you’re going to continue to dread every family event that comes up that will be attended by people you don’t really like and wouldn’t choose as friends.
The choice, as always, is up to you. I can hear the “But you don’t understand!” comments now.
I can, and I do. Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but I came out on the other side of it just fine, and this year, for Christmas, I had two of the best and most memorable holiday dinners I can ever remember having. I looked around and thought, This….now this is what I was aiming for all those years.
So I know it does exist.
And I wish it for each and every one of you.
Take care, God Bless, and I wish us all a healthy, happy, and prosperous New Year.
But they don’t. In fact, they quite often do the opposite. Which leaves all of us feeling pretty damn confused. If my family is supposed to love me and nurture me, provide for my needs and keep me safe…but doesn’t…then how can I expect anyone else to love and encourage me, provide for my needs, and keep me safe?
That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. So I spent yesterday morning researching articles on families and the holidays, hoping to offer some sage words of wisdom in my post on family relationships, and researching took so long I used up the time I would have used writing the post. The worst part was the best advice I could come up with was…
Just say no.
That’s right…just say no. If your family is toxic…then just don’t go to those holiday events, reunions, and family affairs. Article after article after article said the same thing.
Being the kind of person who much prefers to see everyone get along, this message was rather disappointing to me. But it trumped the message boards, hands down.
And I have to admit, that if you follow the advice in my previous posts, about making friends with yourself first, before you make friends with others, and about choosing your friends wisely, and choosing to spend time only with those people who exhibit the qualities you would most like to develop in yourself—how many of us would choose our own families?
Some of us have families that are truly supportive, encouraging us to be the best person we can possibly be. Others, unfortunately, are pits of dysfunctional hell. If you have PMDD, due to the correlation between childhood abuse and PMDD, chances are your family falls more firmly into the second category. Which also means the relationship you’re in right now is probably unhealthy. Which only adds to your problems with PMDD. Like attracts like, (even if you’re opposites—you’re the same in your ability to have a healthy relationship), and if you were abused as a child, the chances are good you will end up in a relationship that is abusive in one way or another. Which will only make your PMDD symptoms worse.
I’m jumping ahead of myself here, because my next post will be about dealing with your immediate family…but the facts can not be denied…studies have shown there is a strong correlation between abusive relationships of any kind, and PMDD.
So…if you have PMDD, chances are your extended family relationships are strained, and holiday gatherings are not pleasant. Taking us back to the first relationship post, where I said relationships begin with you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to listen to yourself, to your intuition and your body, to become more aware of your feelings about everything, and let them guide you.
Emotions are just that, emotions, and they will pass. But feelings, true feelings, will resonate in your body. If the thought of going somewhere and spending time with people you don’t like and who don’t like you fills your body with dread, churns your stomach, gives you a stress headache, puts you on edge, or makes you reach for substances that dull your pain, then yes, you need to stop and think twice about why you are doing this to yourself. Remember, if you don’t look out for yourself, nobody is going to do it for you.
If you don’t set the boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from other people in the way of behavior, be they family or strangers, nobody is going to do it for you. People with abusive personalities don’t recognize or observe boundaries—they will push and push and push as much as you let them. You can either 1) push back—which benefits no one—2) set your boundaries and quietly but firmly enforce them—which abusers will then call abuse, since you are no longer letting them have their way—3) simply refuse to engage, by not answering (unfortunately, this method has its own drawbacks) or 4) not attend any event in which you are likely to be treated with any form of disrespect.
In the end, it all comes down to you again, and how healthy you want to be. PMDD and stress are like the chicken and the egg. Nobody knows which comes first. But they do have a strong correlating relationship, and one affects the other. How you handle stress affects your PMDD and how you handle (or don’t handle) your PMDD definitely causes stress.
The best thing to do then, to get a handle on your PMDD, is to remove all sources of stress from your life. This in itself can be extremely stressful, but in the long run is much healthier than taking drug after drug to solve a problem that can not be fixed by taking drugs, no matter what the drug companies tell you.
So the same advice applies to forming or perpetuating family relationships that applies to forming and maintaining friendships—are the people you spend time with people who exhibit the positive qualities you would like to have more of in your life?
If not, then why are you spending time with them?
Sometimes you have to go out and create your own family. This works, too, because once you get right down to it, a family, like a home, is simply a place in your heart. You can create a home anywhere, and you can create the kind of family you’d like to have anywhere as well. To do that, however, you might have to first let go of the old one. Or at least limit contact with them until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and can comfortably deal with the stress of the situation.
Until then, they’re going to keep getting to you, your PMDD will continue to worsen, and you’re going to continue to dread every family event that comes up that will be attended by people you don’t really like and wouldn’t choose as friends.
The choice, as always, is up to you. I can hear the “But you don’t understand!” comments now.
I can, and I do. Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but I came out on the other side of it just fine, and this year, for Christmas, I had two of the best and most memorable holiday dinners I can ever remember having. I looked around and thought, This….now this is what I was aiming for all those years.
So I know it does exist.
And I wish it for each and every one of you.
Take care, God Bless, and I wish us all a healthy, happy, and prosperous New Year.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Choosing Your Friends Wisely - Whether You Have PMDD Or Not
Okay, so we’ve learned that Relationships Begin With You, and that you need to be a friend to yourself before you can be a friend to anyone else, and that being a friend to yourself starts with slowing down and listening to yourself, mind, body, heart, and soul.
For instance, I’m late with this post because yesterday I was listening to my body and being good to myself. I woke up with a tremendous pain in my neck, one that had kept me up for most of the night, so I called my chiropractor first thing, made my first appointment in months, and then actually listened to him when he told me to go home and take it easy, instead of throwing myself headlong back into my life. I came home and took a three-hour nap, then spent the evening reading a book. This morning, I made sure I attended my Qigong (slow movement and stretching) class, knowing that would help to keep my positive healing energy going.
Was there a lot I didn’t get done? Yes. But do I feel 100% better? Yes. Much better than slogging through the day, trying to cross half a dozen more things off my to-do list before the holidays. Things that will still be there to do after the holidays. Right now, I need to take care of me, or I will be miserable over the holidays and no fun to be around at all.
So…that’s the difference that comes from listening to my body and attending to—instead of ignoring--its needs. Since I started doing this unfailingly, I haven’t had a PMDD episode to speak of. I’ve had a dip or two in mood that was quickly boosted by eating some whole-grain carbs, but other than that, life has been on a pretty even keel for several months now.
So today I want to talk about relationships with friends. A lot of women with PMDD have at one time or another isolated ourselves, because we don’t feel friends or family will ‘understand’ when we are having an episode, so it’s easier just to go into isolation and deal with it alone.
Easier, but is it healthier? Wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re still loved and people still want to be around you, even when you feel the most unloveable?
You do this by choosing your friends wisely. You do this by choosing friends who are patient, kind, and understanding. You do this by moving away from people who are not. As a PMDD woman, you need to look out for yourself, because nobody is going to do it for you. If this means ending or scaling back a few friendships and/or relationships, then so be it.
You have to do what is right for you. Why would you want to remain in a friendship that isn’t healthy for you?
You decide who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t. You don’t have to cut former friends out completely. You can simply put some distance between you--see them less often, speak less often, or speak only when you run into each other during social events--just don’t do anything one on one anymore.
Instead, surround yourself with the kind of person you would like to be. To me, that’s kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and loving. I’ve moved away from anyone who doesn’t embody the kind of qualities I want to see more of in my life. I’ve moved away from those who are negative, demeaning, demanding, needy, and live lives full of drama they create themselves.
Some people need a lot of drama in their lives to be happy. I’m not one of them.
I’m not saying you can only be friends with people who are the same as you…or people without any problems (is there such a person??)...not at all. I have many different friends, with all sorts of different lifestyles, problems, interests and beliefs--but they all hold the same caring qualities in common. They have patience and understanding, tolerance and compassion, and accept when I tell them I’m having an episode and can’t really participate in whatever is going on.
They allow me to talk about my PMDD openly, and even though they don’t understand it, and can not imagine what I am going through, they accept that I am going through something that is extremely painful, upsetting, and draining for me.
They don’t try to talk me out of it, tell me to get over it, tell me I’m being a witch or boring or no fun, or tell me to “smile,” “relax,” or “just cheer up.”
They let me be quiet when I need to be quiet, and understand if I say things that don’t quite make sense.
On my part, I feel it’s up to me not to snap at or lash out at these friends, and so I take full responsibility for that. If I slip, I apologize immediately, and explain that I am having a PMDD day.
Remember, your PMDD is an explanation, but never an excuse.
In this way I have created a circle of friends who might not understand fully what PMDD is about, but respect and understand that I know what’s going on, and if I say I’m having a bad day, then they accept that I am having a bad day, and don’t expect or ask for more than I am willing to give.
Sometimes I don’t feel like going out or meeting anyone at all. Sometimes I will go to whatever it is, a meeting, a dinner, a lunch, or church, and just sit there and be quiet. Sometimes I will openly talk about what I am feeling inside, and how it completely goes against the reality of my life. (Or how my inner thoughts reflect the opposite of what is going on in my life, and how that doesn't make any sense at all.)
My life is pretty darn good. I have been abundantly blessed in ways tangible and intangible. I have a supportive family, caring and understanding friends, a warm and comfortable home, work that fulfills me, and a son who has been well-trained to deal with a woman’s hormonal moods--while at the same time accepting no disrespect from me or any other woman because of those moods.
I didn’t always have these things. I’ve been working at it for ten years, slowly pruning away what needed to go, and moving into the forefront of my life what needed to stay for me to live the kind of life I want to live—calm, creative, fulfilling, and productive.
I lost touch with some friends along the way. But as I began to better understand myself, I gained new, more accepting and understanding friends.
Studies show that if you hang around certain kinds of people, you will become more like them. If you surround/align yourself with hard workers, you’ll work harder; if you surround yourself with positive people, you’ll be more positive; if you hang around with those who take an active part in maintaining their health and well-being, you’ll be more active and healthier overall; if you keep company with goal-oriented people, you’ll attain a few goals, yourself.
In general, if you hang around successful people, you’ll be more successful.
The flip side of that works just as well: if you surround yourself with complainers, you’ll complain more; if you surround yourself with people who like to overindulge in food, drink, toxic environments or substances, whatever; you’ll do more of the same. If you hang with people who do things you know are detrimental to your health and well-being, you’ll do more than you may personally want to, just to fit in.
So choose the people you want to be with carefully. If you want to be well, then make friends with those who are also trying to be well. If you want to complain, then make friends with those who complain. Either way, you will have friends…
But which friends are more likely to help you make progress toward successfully managing your PMDD?
Think about it, and then adjust your life accordingly. Listen to your body, notice how you feel before, during, or after you’re around certain people. Some people can get you churned up just thinking about being around them. Take time to notice who these people are in your life. Don’t just go through life on auto-pilot, accepting whatever comes your way. That’s probably what got you where you are today, and why you’re reading this post.
So slow down, come to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and then choose the rest of your friends wisely. One small step at a time.
Until you have the life you really want.
For instance, I’m late with this post because yesterday I was listening to my body and being good to myself. I woke up with a tremendous pain in my neck, one that had kept me up for most of the night, so I called my chiropractor first thing, made my first appointment in months, and then actually listened to him when he told me to go home and take it easy, instead of throwing myself headlong back into my life. I came home and took a three-hour nap, then spent the evening reading a book. This morning, I made sure I attended my Qigong (slow movement and stretching) class, knowing that would help to keep my positive healing energy going.
Was there a lot I didn’t get done? Yes. But do I feel 100% better? Yes. Much better than slogging through the day, trying to cross half a dozen more things off my to-do list before the holidays. Things that will still be there to do after the holidays. Right now, I need to take care of me, or I will be miserable over the holidays and no fun to be around at all.
So…that’s the difference that comes from listening to my body and attending to—instead of ignoring--its needs. Since I started doing this unfailingly, I haven’t had a PMDD episode to speak of. I’ve had a dip or two in mood that was quickly boosted by eating some whole-grain carbs, but other than that, life has been on a pretty even keel for several months now.
So today I want to talk about relationships with friends. A lot of women with PMDD have at one time or another isolated ourselves, because we don’t feel friends or family will ‘understand’ when we are having an episode, so it’s easier just to go into isolation and deal with it alone.
Easier, but is it healthier? Wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re still loved and people still want to be around you, even when you feel the most unloveable?
You do this by choosing your friends wisely. You do this by choosing friends who are patient, kind, and understanding. You do this by moving away from people who are not. As a PMDD woman, you need to look out for yourself, because nobody is going to do it for you. If this means ending or scaling back a few friendships and/or relationships, then so be it.
You have to do what is right for you. Why would you want to remain in a friendship that isn’t healthy for you?
You decide who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t. You don’t have to cut former friends out completely. You can simply put some distance between you--see them less often, speak less often, or speak only when you run into each other during social events--just don’t do anything one on one anymore.
Instead, surround yourself with the kind of person you would like to be. To me, that’s kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and loving. I’ve moved away from anyone who doesn’t embody the kind of qualities I want to see more of in my life. I’ve moved away from those who are negative, demeaning, demanding, needy, and live lives full of drama they create themselves.
Some people need a lot of drama in their lives to be happy. I’m not one of them.
I’m not saying you can only be friends with people who are the same as you…or people without any problems (is there such a person??)...not at all. I have many different friends, with all sorts of different lifestyles, problems, interests and beliefs--but they all hold the same caring qualities in common. They have patience and understanding, tolerance and compassion, and accept when I tell them I’m having an episode and can’t really participate in whatever is going on.
They allow me to talk about my PMDD openly, and even though they don’t understand it, and can not imagine what I am going through, they accept that I am going through something that is extremely painful, upsetting, and draining for me.
They don’t try to talk me out of it, tell me to get over it, tell me I’m being a witch or boring or no fun, or tell me to “smile,” “relax,” or “just cheer up.”
They let me be quiet when I need to be quiet, and understand if I say things that don’t quite make sense.
On my part, I feel it’s up to me not to snap at or lash out at these friends, and so I take full responsibility for that. If I slip, I apologize immediately, and explain that I am having a PMDD day.
Remember, your PMDD is an explanation, but never an excuse.
In this way I have created a circle of friends who might not understand fully what PMDD is about, but respect and understand that I know what’s going on, and if I say I’m having a bad day, then they accept that I am having a bad day, and don’t expect or ask for more than I am willing to give.
Sometimes I don’t feel like going out or meeting anyone at all. Sometimes I will go to whatever it is, a meeting, a dinner, a lunch, or church, and just sit there and be quiet. Sometimes I will openly talk about what I am feeling inside, and how it completely goes against the reality of my life. (Or how my inner thoughts reflect the opposite of what is going on in my life, and how that doesn't make any sense at all.)
My life is pretty darn good. I have been abundantly blessed in ways tangible and intangible. I have a supportive family, caring and understanding friends, a warm and comfortable home, work that fulfills me, and a son who has been well-trained to deal with a woman’s hormonal moods--while at the same time accepting no disrespect from me or any other woman because of those moods.
I didn’t always have these things. I’ve been working at it for ten years, slowly pruning away what needed to go, and moving into the forefront of my life what needed to stay for me to live the kind of life I want to live—calm, creative, fulfilling, and productive.
I lost touch with some friends along the way. But as I began to better understand myself, I gained new, more accepting and understanding friends.
Studies show that if you hang around certain kinds of people, you will become more like them. If you surround/align yourself with hard workers, you’ll work harder; if you surround yourself with positive people, you’ll be more positive; if you hang around with those who take an active part in maintaining their health and well-being, you’ll be more active and healthier overall; if you keep company with goal-oriented people, you’ll attain a few goals, yourself.
In general, if you hang around successful people, you’ll be more successful.
The flip side of that works just as well: if you surround yourself with complainers, you’ll complain more; if you surround yourself with people who like to overindulge in food, drink, toxic environments or substances, whatever; you’ll do more of the same. If you hang with people who do things you know are detrimental to your health and well-being, you’ll do more than you may personally want to, just to fit in.
So choose the people you want to be with carefully. If you want to be well, then make friends with those who are also trying to be well. If you want to complain, then make friends with those who complain. Either way, you will have friends…
But which friends are more likely to help you make progress toward successfully managing your PMDD?
Think about it, and then adjust your life accordingly. Listen to your body, notice how you feel before, during, or after you’re around certain people. Some people can get you churned up just thinking about being around them. Take time to notice who these people are in your life. Don’t just go through life on auto-pilot, accepting whatever comes your way. That’s probably what got you where you are today, and why you’re reading this post.
So slow down, come to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and then choose the rest of your friends wisely. One small step at a time.
Until you have the life you really want.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Relationships - How To Be A Friend To Yourself
Okay, so I’ve said that Relationships Begin With You, and to love or be a friend to others, you first need to love or be a friend to yourself. What exactly does that mean? I mean, if somebody told me I need to be a better friend to myself, I’d probably get annoyed. What are you talking about, be a better friend to myself? I treat myself just fine, thank you. Give me some real advice, why don’t you? Don’t just spout platitudes like you’ve got it all covered, and I don’t.
So I started thinking about it. What does that even look like, being a friend to myself? How does one go about doing such a thing? The first answer I came up with was: Easy to say, hard to do. And why is it so hard? Because it requires thought. And most of us barely have time to think anymore, especially at this time of year. We live in a world of instant this, instant that, where technology has sped our lives up so much that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going. All we know is we’re racing here and there, trying to get everything done that we think needs doing in December.
But we’re not really thinking, are we? We’re just doing. We’re doing all the things we’ve been conditioned to do since the cradle. We’ve accepted that this is how it is, this is how it’s got to be, and the last thing we have time for is to think about being good to ourselves. That, we leave up to the others in our circle, be it friends, family, or co-workers.
Wrong approach. Because everyone else is just as busy as you are, and people are only going to treat you with the same amount of care and respect that you give yourself. So to be good to yourself, the very first thing you have to do is SLOW DOWN. This goes against the grain, I know. If you’re a list-maker, you’ve probably got a list that has at least 50 things on it you need to do between now and the end of the year. You don’t have time to stop and think. Maybe come January you will, maybe not. Maybe by then you’ll have a whole new list to work off—that list containing your New Year’s Resolutions that somehow you never get around to following completely through on.
And why is this? Because while our intentions are good, most of us don’t stop and think about how to make those intentions a reality.
Awareness is the key—to success in all things, including being good to yourself.
You can start by asking yourself one simple question: What is the best thing for me to be doing right now? Right now is the critical part of the question. What is the best thing for me to be doing for my health and well-being right now? Is it making a healthy breakfast? Reading a daily meditation? Driving a parent to a doctor’s appointment? Cleaning the bathroom?
That’s a valid answer, because there are some of us who don’t feel right or settled unless the environment around us is clean and orderly. Others don’t care, so the answer would be different for them. And that’s okay. But try this for a week. Several times a day, stop and ask yourself, what is the best way to spend my time right now? What is the most important thing I need to take care of right now?
Don’t just run through your days like a mouse in a maze. Take the time to become consciously aware of what you are doing, and why you are doing it, each and every minute—or for as many minutes as you can hold the thought, while racing from commitment to commitment, or obligation to obligation.
Maybe it’s work. You need to get paid. Then be aware that you’re going to work, in order to get paid, so that you can provide your family with food, shelter, clothing, or luxuries. Are you going to work for a bigger TV, a fancier cell phone, or a new stove? Are you going to work for an island vacation, a school tuition bill, or new braces? Why are you doing what you’re doing, and is it the right reason and the best use of your time?
If not, then notice the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and think about what you can do to close that gap.
What about our so-called free time? Say you’re at home. What is the best way you can be using your time right now? Is it changing the sheets, helping a child with homework, paying bills, or do you just need a little time out? Time out to read a book, play with the kids, call your mother, or maybe make a cup of tea and sit down long enough to catch your breath, then jump back onto the treadmill of your life.
If you never ask yourself this question, you’ll never answer it. And if you take the time to answer it, you will more than likely be surprised by the answer.
The interesting thing is once you start asking yourself this question of what is the best thing I could be doing with my time right now, your priorities will start to fall in line, and you’ll start coming closer to where you want to be, to being the person you want to be.
I compare it to choosing a house. Many of us move into houses that are already built, and then work with what we have. But what if you had the opportunity to create your own house, to design it to have everything you ever wanted in a home? Fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have even envisioned the idea. I thought I had no opinions on such things. The question never arose, so I never considered it.
But then I had the opportunity to design my own house from scratch, and I found out I had very definite opinions on what I wanted. It was easier than I ever would have thought, to go into a store and pick out tile and countertops and flooring and lights and fixtures.
But nobody had ever asked me before, what I liked or didn’t like about my house, and so I never considered it. I just worked with or around what I had.
The same can be said of your life. What do you like or not like about it? What would you change if you could? What would you design differently if you could start from scratch? Then why don’t you? Start now. Start where you are. Start by taking a moment here and there to think about what you are doing right now, in this moment, and why. Then choose what you want to be doing next, and move in that direction. Eventually, you’ll find out you have very distinct opinions on what you like and don’t like, and how you do and don’t like to spend your time, who you do and don’t like to be around, what you do and don’t like to eat, what gives you energy and life, and what drains you of both.
But to do that, you have to start taking the time out to ask yourself one simple question: What is the most important thing I could be doing for myself right now?
Is it taking a few deep breaths, is it eating an orange, is it dropping a casserole off for a sick friend, or running an errand for a family member? It doesn’t have to be all about you. But it does have to be about what makes you feel good inside, because when you feel good inside, then you’re being a good friend to yourself.
Right now I need to get this blog post done. Why? Because it’s Wednesday morning and people will be stopping by the blog, expecting something new to be there. But at the same time, my cat has jumped onto my lap, looking for some love. Do I get annoyed and throw her off, because I have something else to do, or do I stop what I am doing to pet her and coo at her and give her what she came looking for?
I stop. I slow down long enough to feel the softness of her fur, appreciate the way she pushes her head into my hands, and listen to the contented rumble of her purr. I smile and use both hands, cuddling and stroking her until she relaxes and settles in my lap, happy just to be with me. She knew what she wanted, what she needed, and she came looking for it. It took maybe all of two minutes. She’s happy, and I’m happy, and we can both get on with our day. She, snoozing on my lap, and me, continuing to type.
What would have been served by throwing her off, by telling her I was too busy to deal with her right now? I learn a lot from my cats. When they’re hungry they eat, when they’re sleepy, they sleep. They don’t worry about what’s coming up next. They live in the moment, and are fully present to whatever is around them, be it a sunbeam on the carpet, the sound of the can opener, or somebody at the door.
We need to slow down like that. We need to be fully present in the moment. When we’re folding laundry or doing dishes, that’s what we need to be doing. Nothing more, and nothing less. We need to take the time to let our thoughts roam free, not use that time to make more lists in our head or angst about things already over and done with, or what we’re going to be doing twenty minutes from now. In twenty minutes, we’ll deal with whatever is happening then.
When we’re driving, we need to be driving, and not doing anything else. When we’re at the store, we need to be shopping, and nothing else. When we’re talking to another person, we need to be doing that, and nothing else. When we’re praying, we need to be praying. The same goes for having a meal, so that we can stop and think about what we are putting into our bodies. Is it something that is good for us, or not? Or are we just wolfing down fast food while we chauffeur the kids to wherever it is they have to go and talking on the phone in between bites?
Tell me. How is that being good to yourself?
So I started thinking about it. What does that even look like, being a friend to myself? How does one go about doing such a thing? The first answer I came up with was: Easy to say, hard to do. And why is it so hard? Because it requires thought. And most of us barely have time to think anymore, especially at this time of year. We live in a world of instant this, instant that, where technology has sped our lives up so much that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going. All we know is we’re racing here and there, trying to get everything done that we think needs doing in December.
But we’re not really thinking, are we? We’re just doing. We’re doing all the things we’ve been conditioned to do since the cradle. We’ve accepted that this is how it is, this is how it’s got to be, and the last thing we have time for is to think about being good to ourselves. That, we leave up to the others in our circle, be it friends, family, or co-workers.
Wrong approach. Because everyone else is just as busy as you are, and people are only going to treat you with the same amount of care and respect that you give yourself. So to be good to yourself, the very first thing you have to do is SLOW DOWN. This goes against the grain, I know. If you’re a list-maker, you’ve probably got a list that has at least 50 things on it you need to do between now and the end of the year. You don’t have time to stop and think. Maybe come January you will, maybe not. Maybe by then you’ll have a whole new list to work off—that list containing your New Year’s Resolutions that somehow you never get around to following completely through on.
And why is this? Because while our intentions are good, most of us don’t stop and think about how to make those intentions a reality.
Awareness is the key—to success in all things, including being good to yourself.
You can start by asking yourself one simple question: What is the best thing for me to be doing right now? Right now is the critical part of the question. What is the best thing for me to be doing for my health and well-being right now? Is it making a healthy breakfast? Reading a daily meditation? Driving a parent to a doctor’s appointment? Cleaning the bathroom?
That’s a valid answer, because there are some of us who don’t feel right or settled unless the environment around us is clean and orderly. Others don’t care, so the answer would be different for them. And that’s okay. But try this for a week. Several times a day, stop and ask yourself, what is the best way to spend my time right now? What is the most important thing I need to take care of right now?
Don’t just run through your days like a mouse in a maze. Take the time to become consciously aware of what you are doing, and why you are doing it, each and every minute—or for as many minutes as you can hold the thought, while racing from commitment to commitment, or obligation to obligation.
Maybe it’s work. You need to get paid. Then be aware that you’re going to work, in order to get paid, so that you can provide your family with food, shelter, clothing, or luxuries. Are you going to work for a bigger TV, a fancier cell phone, or a new stove? Are you going to work for an island vacation, a school tuition bill, or new braces? Why are you doing what you’re doing, and is it the right reason and the best use of your time?
If not, then notice the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and think about what you can do to close that gap.
What about our so-called free time? Say you’re at home. What is the best way you can be using your time right now? Is it changing the sheets, helping a child with homework, paying bills, or do you just need a little time out? Time out to read a book, play with the kids, call your mother, or maybe make a cup of tea and sit down long enough to catch your breath, then jump back onto the treadmill of your life.
If you never ask yourself this question, you’ll never answer it. And if you take the time to answer it, you will more than likely be surprised by the answer.
The interesting thing is once you start asking yourself this question of what is the best thing I could be doing with my time right now, your priorities will start to fall in line, and you’ll start coming closer to where you want to be, to being the person you want to be.
I compare it to choosing a house. Many of us move into houses that are already built, and then work with what we have. But what if you had the opportunity to create your own house, to design it to have everything you ever wanted in a home? Fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have even envisioned the idea. I thought I had no opinions on such things. The question never arose, so I never considered it.
But then I had the opportunity to design my own house from scratch, and I found out I had very definite opinions on what I wanted. It was easier than I ever would have thought, to go into a store and pick out tile and countertops and flooring and lights and fixtures.
But nobody had ever asked me before, what I liked or didn’t like about my house, and so I never considered it. I just worked with or around what I had.
The same can be said of your life. What do you like or not like about it? What would you change if you could? What would you design differently if you could start from scratch? Then why don’t you? Start now. Start where you are. Start by taking a moment here and there to think about what you are doing right now, in this moment, and why. Then choose what you want to be doing next, and move in that direction. Eventually, you’ll find out you have very distinct opinions on what you like and don’t like, and how you do and don’t like to spend your time, who you do and don’t like to be around, what you do and don’t like to eat, what gives you energy and life, and what drains you of both.
But to do that, you have to start taking the time out to ask yourself one simple question: What is the most important thing I could be doing for myself right now?
Is it taking a few deep breaths, is it eating an orange, is it dropping a casserole off for a sick friend, or running an errand for a family member? It doesn’t have to be all about you. But it does have to be about what makes you feel good inside, because when you feel good inside, then you’re being a good friend to yourself.
Right now I need to get this blog post done. Why? Because it’s Wednesday morning and people will be stopping by the blog, expecting something new to be there. But at the same time, my cat has jumped onto my lap, looking for some love. Do I get annoyed and throw her off, because I have something else to do, or do I stop what I am doing to pet her and coo at her and give her what she came looking for?
I stop. I slow down long enough to feel the softness of her fur, appreciate the way she pushes her head into my hands, and listen to the contented rumble of her purr. I smile and use both hands, cuddling and stroking her until she relaxes and settles in my lap, happy just to be with me. She knew what she wanted, what she needed, and she came looking for it. It took maybe all of two minutes. She’s happy, and I’m happy, and we can both get on with our day. She, snoozing on my lap, and me, continuing to type.
What would have been served by throwing her off, by telling her I was too busy to deal with her right now? I learn a lot from my cats. When they’re hungry they eat, when they’re sleepy, they sleep. They don’t worry about what’s coming up next. They live in the moment, and are fully present to whatever is around them, be it a sunbeam on the carpet, the sound of the can opener, or somebody at the door.
We need to slow down like that. We need to be fully present in the moment. When we’re folding laundry or doing dishes, that’s what we need to be doing. Nothing more, and nothing less. We need to take the time to let our thoughts roam free, not use that time to make more lists in our head or angst about things already over and done with, or what we’re going to be doing twenty minutes from now. In twenty minutes, we’ll deal with whatever is happening then.
When we’re driving, we need to be driving, and not doing anything else. When we’re at the store, we need to be shopping, and nothing else. When we’re talking to another person, we need to be doing that, and nothing else. When we’re praying, we need to be praying. The same goes for having a meal, so that we can stop and think about what we are putting into our bodies. Is it something that is good for us, or not? Or are we just wolfing down fast food while we chauffeur the kids to wherever it is they have to go and talking on the phone in between bites?
Tell me. How is that being good to yourself?
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners. Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.
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