Dearest Partners of Women with PMDD,
First of all, let me be clear. This letter does not come
with answers or solutions. This is not a "be all & end all" to
the chaos of PMDD. Every situation for every woman is different. Ergo (a word
not used often enough), no household is the same. After many conversations and
emails with men and women around the world, I've realized a few common traits,
however. There are similar feelings, circumstances, emotions, issues and
experiences...this letter addresses and recognizes them. This note recognizes
the real, true emotions and thoughts emanating from the souls of men (and
women) coping with a partner with PMDD. This is not a happy letter to make
everyone feel better...it's one that draws attention to the mindset reality of
living with PMDD. This isn't about me. It's about all of us.
I know you.
You're tired. Exhausted. You feel drained of all energy -
emotional, physical, spiritual. Perhaps you feel absolutely nothing at all.
You're like a zombie, going through the motions every day. But you're used to
it...it's who you've become. You don't like it - you wish you had more energy
and lust for life - but you give yourself a daily pep talk to survive the day,
praying that today might be better...and you're not even the one with PMDD.
You are constantly on edge. You never know when her
hurricane will hit. Predicting how one day to the next will transpire is
fruitless. Hour to hour, day to day...hell, even minute to minute, is a
pointless exercise. You see her, you love her, you feel for her but you wonder,
"What else can I do?" - you've already tried everything!
You've thought about divorce. You've thought about having an
affair. You've questioned your life choices...and those thoughts scare the hell
out of you. So why do you stay? Why do you remain committed in a relationship
that causes you stress and, most likely, shaves years off your life? Perhaps
it's because of the words, "...in sickness and health...'til death do us
part..." or maybe you're a glutton for punishment or feel, deep down, you
can fix her or save her. Possibly, you fear what she'd do if you left. If you
have kids, my guess is, you're there for them, more than her.
You've probably heard from her, more times than can count,
that she "needs to do (this) or (that) because it might help" - this
may include taking a course, going for a run, spending a day or two at the spa,
getting massages, nights out with her girlfriends, binge watching Sex & the
City or Supernatural, spending a few days here and there away from you (and the
kids)...but can you do the same? No. Can you just take off for a few hours and
have the day just for you? Probably not. Deep down, you wonder, could she handle
the kids for 3 days without me? Your/my gut says no. The time you have out of
the house is, most likely, spent getting groceries and doing things that need
to be done to make the house and your life a little better.
You don't get enough downtime and, when you do have the
opportunity to sit back and chill, your mind's still racing. Most likely, you
just want to watch something pointless or mindless, have a beer and fall
asleep. The thought of watching a show that has deep thoughts, intellectual
content or educational information further stresses you out because your mind
can't relax...there's no shut off switch to settle your brain.
You probably don't hear "Thank you" or "I
love you" nearly often enough...and, as for, physical expressions of love?
Not so much. (Or, at least, not like it used to be). But when SHE wants it, you
must provide! Perhaps sex - or any form of intimacy - feels like a
chore...another task to complete. Or perhaps, when it finally happens - a
moment together, both of you in a positive, awake state of mind - it's a
relief...an opportunity to forget about the trials of tribulations of the past
few days.
You say words but may not mean them...or they don't have the
same feeling behind them like they used to: "I love you" - perhaps
it's said so she can hear the words but, your feeling behind them is different.
"It'll be okay" - knowing, deep down, it'll get better for her but
not for you. Her diatribes, constant needs, argumentative statements,
vitriolic, mean words...you'll remember them and hold onto them and think of
them all too often. You'll start to believe them - or, at minimum, question who
you are based on her hurtful words. You say, "I'm here for you" but,
perhaps deep down, you wish at that moment, you weren't. "
You question everything & constantly overthink. When
you're sitting on the porch with her, having your coffee or glass of wine, and
you hear her sigh heavily, you wonder if that's a sign of impending doom -
something dark on her mind, or a coping mechanism to calm herself...or maybe
she's just relaxing for the first time in awhile. In any case, you don't ask
because "is everything okay?" or "what're you thinking?" or
"something wrong?" might set off a chain of events you don't want to
deal with.
You constantly look for ways to control your environment -
from the way you schedule your day to what you cook for supper or how you
organize things around the house. More often than not, when she's in her state,
decisions are a further stress and amplify her anxiety. What do you do? You
make all the decisions, thinking that'll make life easier for her. Yet,
unfortunately, it doesn't often work out that way. Perhaps it's her response of
"you should've asked/told me" or "why didn't you let me
know?" or "if you loved me you'd have..." Friends may say,
"Damned if you do, damned if you don't" but, to you, it had to be
done. Survival instinct kicks in and you do what you need to do.
On the good days, when she's positive, upbeat, full of
energy, revitalized, you struggle to enjoy the moment...you don't know how long
it'll last...you fear the bubble popping...you're still on edge and, most
likely, get down on yourself for not being fully present with her. Even when
you know you SHOULD be enjoying yourself, you can't.
You're not fully present on a good day. You're not fully
present when you're supposed to be having fun or enjoying life. But you ARE
fully present when you're surrounded by her chaos, negativity, anger,
frustration and darkness. Think about that for a moment:
You're only fully alive when you're being torn down, when
your life force is being given to someone else, when every moment of your day
is spent making sure your partner (and your household) lives to see another
day.
You probably mutter or mumble under your breath as you walk away
from her...things you wish you could say out loud but, knowing the damage
they'd do to both of you, respecting her mental state, you keep it to yourself,
tucking it deep inside where the feelings fester and ferment. Maybe those words
of resentment will go away...or, maybe they've established a symbiotic
relationship with your soul. These periods of resentment...they grow in number
as the years go on...your thought process dips its toes into the murky waters
of ire more frequently and easily.
You're constantly seeking an outlet for your tension.
Nothing seems to work. Perhaps you go to the gym but, for some reason, you cut
your workout short because you're worried about her...or you're too stressed to
even relax to workout fully. Or, maybe, you go for a pint with your mates but,
you're not fully present...your mind is elsewhere, wondering if she's okay. And
you cut your night short because you know you need your energy to deal with the
next day.
You feel guilty when you do something for you. Whether a
ball game or buying something online, you wonder how she'll react or what
she'll think or if she'll resent your 'selfish' ways. So you begin doing less
and less for yourself, channeling your energy into your family and her.
If you have kids, you wonder what they'll remember about
life in the house, growing up. Will they remember how Mommy hardly slept in the
same bed as Daddy? Will they remember how Daddy would always wake them up in
the morning, get them dressed, make them breakfast, pack their lunches, cook supper,
clean the kitchen, do the laundry, get the groceries? Or will they remember
that Daddy didn't have enough time to play with them because of everything he
did to make the house function?
You cry. Sometimes there are tears streaming down your face
or sometimes you're crying on the inside. But, regardless, you're sad. You're
upset - at yourself, at her, at a higher power, at anyone, at no one - yet you
keep it to yourself. It's your burden. Perhaps you feel like you asked for
this. Perhaps you believe this is your own private challenge. Know you're not
alone. There are people out there to help. People are there for you. They want
to help...they're waiting at your doorstep...it's up to you to let them in.
This letter is part vent, part affirmation. Maybe you've had
some (or all) of these thoughts. Maybe you can't relate at all. In any case,
you aren't alone. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, strength builds from
pain. For whatever your reasons, your resolve to remain committed to someone
struggling with the very fabric of being, is powerful. While my words may not
be enough, you are a great person, standing beside someone who needs you more
than words. You may not hear it enough or feel it or even believe it but your
presence is an amazing gift - not only to her but to the universe. You make her
world - and the world around you - a better place.
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