Shine a Light on PMDD - April is PMDD Awareness Month

BOSTON, MA, March 29, 2019 -- A global awareness campaign will kick off this April to help “Shine a Light on PMDD” on a little known, debilitating and life-threatening condition that takes an average of 12 years to be correctly diagnosed. 

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) is a cyclical, hormone-based mood disorder which impacts approximately 1 in 20 women and individuals assigned female at birth (AFAB) of reproductive age - a staggering 60 million worldwide. With symptoms including severe depression, overwhelm, and anxiety appearing in the two weeks before menses, PMDD takes a toll on sufferers’ ability to work and maintain relationships with partners and family. In the 2018 Global Survey of Premenstrual Disorders, out of 1,425 patients with prospectively-confirmed PMDD: 

● 16.8% reported having lost a job due to PMDD 

● 56.7% reported having lost an intimate partner relationship due to PMDD 

● 98% and 97% feel PMDD puts a significant strain on their intimate partner relationship and family relationships, respectively 

● 42.7% reported problems with parenting due to PMDD, with 10.5% feeling completely unable to parent during PMDD 

The relentless emotional and (for some) physical pain also drastically increases the risk of suicidal behaviors. In the same survey, 30% of patients with PMDD reported that they had attempted suicide to escape their symptoms. Sadly, this number does not include those with PMDD who have died by suicide, which suggests that 30% is a low estimate for the rate of suicidal behaviors in PMDD. Appropriate identification and treatment of PMDD are therefore important not only for reducing suffering but also for saving lives. 

The same survey also showed it takes an average of twelve years and six healthcare providers to receive an accurate diagnosis of PMDD. After years of suffering, individuals with PMDD describe learning about the disorder as a ‘lightbulb moment’. 

“PMDD has been invisible for far too long,” according to Amanda LaFleur, Co-Founder & Executive Director, International Association for Premenstrual Disorders (IAPMD), the global leader of PMDD awareness and education. “It’s underdiagnosed, misdiagnosed and, at worst, the lack of understanding leads to harmful ridicule and shaming of suffers. During PMDD Awareness Month we need to create millions of life-changing lightbulb moments across the globe so people can get the support and treatment they need!” 

This year, IAPMD is again collaborating with a coalition of organizations, including U.S.-based Me v PMDD and U.K.-based Vicious Cycle: Making PMDD Visible, to ‘Shine a Light on PMDD.’ Resources to support awareness-building are available on pmddawarenessmonth.org. Website visitors can access the PMDD Awareness Month Toolkit, find facts and figures about PMDD, create a fundraiser, and share their story.

Individuals with PMDD are encouraged to add their voice to the women's reproductive and mental health movement and receive timely updates on work underway to inspire hope and end suffering in those with premenstrual disorders. 

“This is a galvanizing movement in women’s health,” according to Sandi MacDonald, IAPMD Board President. “PMDD is a perfect storm where #MeToo and #TimesUp, meets mental health awareness, meets suicide prevention. This campaign will be that ‘eureka!’ or ‘light bulb’ moment of insight, and then sufferers and activists around the world are empowered to raise awareness of PMDD and increase access to effective treatment options.” 

While PMDD is directly connected to the menstrual cycle, it is not a hormone imbalance but rather a severe neurobiological reaction to the natural rise and fall of estrogen and progesterone. Symptoms occur the week or two before menstruation and go away a few days after bleeding begins. There is no blood or saliva test to diagnose PMDD, but these tests can rule out other underlying disorders. Diagnosis is done by tracking symptoms for at least two menstrual cycles. As noted above, women and AFAB individuals with PMDD are at an increased risk for suicidal behavior. Although PMDD has been included in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) and International Classification of Diseases (ICD) for years, it continues to be disregarded or misunderstood by doctors and the general public.

# # # 

Organizational Contacts: 

Amanda LaFleur

Co-Founder & Executive Director, IAPMD 

amanda@iapmd.org 

www.iapmd.org 

1-800-609-PMDD (7633) 

Laura Murphy

Project Co-Founder/Director, Vicious Cycle

hello@viciouscyclepmdd.com 

www.facebook.com/viciouscyclepmdd 

Twitter: @viciouscyclepmd 

+44 7739 342590 

Sheila H. Buchert Co-Founder & COO, Me v PMDD, Inc. 

sheila.mevpmdd@gmail.com 

www.mevpmdd.com 

727-421-1489   

Living with PMDD - Realize, Relief, Repeat

REALIZE, RELIEF, REPEAT
[Living With PMDD]
By: Danni Hanna
When you REALIZE it’s time, it’s already too late
Being engulfed in its flame is always your fate
Depression sets in.. in its bi monthly routine
Next comes the anxiety and the fatigue
Panic attacks make their appearance
And the joys in life make their disappearance
Suicidal thoughts fill your brain
But you know soon enough you’ll be off this train
The train runs on an endless track
Circling, circling, circling back
Exercise, medication, eating right
Won’t help you win this fight
Two weeks free, two weeks trapped
Two separate identities on constant relapse
One identity starving for control
The other is on an easy stroll
Career and relationship changes fill the void of sleepless nights
But freedom is coming into sight
The day of RELIEF has arrived
As per usual, right on time
An exchange of pain occurs in an instant
From mental to physical, it’s always consistent
Anxiety and depression leave your side
Feelings of comfort and amusement fill your mind
Quickly forgetting the two weeks of hell
You become trapped within its spell
You never seek help
Because this is the best you’ve ever felt
Unaware you’re still riding the train
Two weeks pass by and the hormones enter your brain
Once again the exchange has been made
Those joyous feelings briskly fade
So go ahead and take a seat
The journey of this train is about to REPEAT

PMDD Symptom Play by Play Number 2

The following guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

I did promise to write another PMDD symptom play by play, and since my symptoms just kicked in today, I thought now would be as good a time as any to bare my "hormotional" soul. This isn't easy. In fact, it sucks. It's dreadfully intimate, questionably revealing, and even harder to admit. But I am committing. So here we go...

8 Days Out

So what changed in me that I knew that symptoms had kicked in anyway? Well, I felt constipated and bloated today (first time since last cycle), I started pulling my hair out (not intentionally...my fingers just go to my hair and when I pull them away, my hair follows!), and most importantly, I feel just plain flippin' irritated for no extraordinary reason about EVERYTHING. I feel somewhat hair-triggerable, if you will. So I'm starting to avoid the things that trigger me (being everything, meaning isolated myself). I have to add that this month has been an incredibly stressful one already with plenty of relationship tensions. I was already irritable, but it felt different than it does today. I wish I could explain it. There is an accompanying intolerance now that wasn't there before...an inability to censor. My diplomacy skills are fading. Many say that PMDD magnifies what is already there. If that's true, this month ought to be a "real blast".

7 Days Out

I just flipped out over my husband saying, "don't worry", when I couldn't find how to reverse an action he told me to take in some software, messing up my work view. I did warn him my symptoms were coming on.

So are men really that stupid? Don't ever effing tell me how to feel! And certainly DO NOT belittle my frustrations with your petty sentiments of projection. YOU "don't worry"! I'm frustrated. Deal with it! Ouch! Okay, last two nights...a touch of insomnia. Today, RAGE! I think I could pick up this 20-ton glass desk and hurl it out the window like it was made of cardboard! There is a jittery tension just underneath my skin accompanied by an overwhelming desire to be alone in the house...for the rest of my life. I have ghost cramps too. That's what I call cramps that arrive before my period.

6 Days Out

6 days? I don't know if I can last another six days. Today was rough. I cried this morning. I cried this afternoon. I cried tonight. I'm feeling incredibly insecure, let down by and estranged from everyone in my life, anxious, grumpy, and deeply sad. I have wished that I would simply die. Since that's unlikely, I just vegetate with Netflix until bedtime with grateful anticipation of the total unconsciousness it brings...and hope I never wake up.

5 Days Out

Didn't sleep well last night, ironically. In fact, I was ruminating in a way that only comes on with PMDD...a hateful, angry way. I swear, I don't know where this shit comes from. I seem to manufacture it in spite of my desire for peace. Each time I woke in the night, I pounded my pillow and cursed bitterly. This morning, I did my best to isolate myself. I tried to be on my best behavior too, bearing in mind today's best bore more resemblance to a caged animal than to a somewhat decent human. Despite my PMDD Tourette's, a lovely symptom where pure shit just gushes from my lips, I managed to hold-back on some of my impulses to push and stomp. With every bite of my tongue, a part of me celebrated the tiny victory (quite alone...as it was evident to no one but me) while in the next moment I was unbridled...judging, criticizing, blaming, fed up with the same old crap...emotionally abusing my husband while at the same time hearing in some vague and distant background all the kinder things I wish I was saying instead. They were too remote for access. They were a distant land. I wanted to run to my room, to be safe, to protect not only myself but him--the only measure I have at my disposal...isolation. It was too late. His deepest wounds were activated, his own mind becoming the same enemy mine had become to me. It would seem PMDD can be contagious, even without the hormones. My husband reacted and in turn became the emotional abuser, taunting me, drilling me, pressing me, driving me to tears with his own screams of how crazy I am, how uncaring, how hopeless, telling me nothing my PMDD mind hasn't already been telling me, but reinforcing it in a way that broke and battered my already damaged spirit. He threatened me...with quitting, with walking out. He's promised that so many times, and today, I wish he'd follow through. That same distant part of me was proud of him for speaking up for himself in the only way he knew how...not for how he did it, though. How he did it hurt. I must admit today, I had suicidal thoughts. I had world-destroying thoughts. And I cried and heaved, shook and crouched in a corner, desperate to be free of this storm inside of me and the external manifestations of it. Emotionally spent, I listened to a looping recording of a mantra about 20 times which calmed my suspiciously empty mind. I can't believe I'm writing this.

4 Days Out

After yesterday, I'm really emotionally exhausted and kind of blank. I've lost a day. I thought it was Thursday but it's only Wednesday. That's been happening a lot, but I don't relate it to PMDD. It's living in the middle of nowhere! There's nothing I want to do...or feel or think. Despite needing some groceries, I can't make myself go. I feel like the remnants of a bird that has burned in flames but has yet to arise once more from the ashes. I continue my deluge of mantra listening. And I eat chocolate. I know my situation is complex. I have many marks against me right now. To be honest, I probably have some form of PTSD after two years of the worst stress of my life which I admit at least half of it I took on willingly, arrogantly even, in addition to being peri-menopausal and PMDD. I also have no grounding, having moved to a foreign country where I cannot speak the language and where my support network is still fairly non-existent. I had a massage therapist when I could afford her, and now, I have a talk therapist who I will have my first session with tomorrow (Thursday. Not today, Wednesday.) It's a trade-off. There's the recent passing of my mother, too. It's a lot to cope with. Add "relationshit" to the mix, and it's tough to tease apart the symptoms of PMDD from the disaster that is my life. So everything just swirls together into a big complicated mess. Charting saves the day and preserves what little sanity I have left by revealing an intensity of symptoms at certain times of the month. I will persevere. I am resilient. I am determined, too. And in moments, I am remembering who I am.

3 Days Out

This morning, every bone hurts. It was very difficult to get myself up and moving. I would love a massage, but I don't have the funds for one. Yin yoga will have to suffice. My symptoms were less today, which historically, has happened...things can actually mellow before the actual onset of my period. Although, usually without fail, I blow out the day before. We'll soon know...

2 Days Out

Last night, I slept 12 hours!! Pretty typical right before. My dreams were very bizarre. My hair continues to fall, and I had ghost cramps again. Another thing that's started today is a weird head-to-toe itchiness; I've heard other women complain of this too, so I'm no longer surprised. When provoked earlier, I quite easily lost my cool outwardly, but overall, in my head, I feel more stable today, so I'd have to relate any emotional symptoms to other things in my life and not necessarily PMDD. Or maybe I'll start early. The cramps are a good indication I might.

1 Day Out

Surprise! Guess what's here, sparing me an extra day of misery and uncertainty? How am I feeling? The first thing I noticed was the intense ache from head to toe as I pulled myself out of bed at a fairly human time of day. I feel about 20 years older in body. Add a headache and the typical cramping in my lower gut, too. But I can handle the physical symptoms; they are kind of a joy after the week I've had. Emotionally, I feel tentative (as the rest of my life is still incredibly challenging). But I don't feel that uncontrollable sense of building blood-level tension that prompts me to catastrophize and explode (not that I couldn't given the right stimulus...but that I don't feel that "hair-trigger" thing). My mind is also quieter. When I woke this morning, from a dream about pastries and cookies, my first thought wasn't "Oh, fuck, I'm still here; shit, shit, shit!", it was more like, "I'm up." There was no punching of pillows or immediate tears. How do I explain it? It's like an equilibrium, a balancing out. A relief! So can I count on a few days of relief? Or will something fluctuate and turn me mental again? Sometimes, on day 5 or 6, I rebound into "crazy-land" for a day. Sometimes, I'm okay until I ovulate. It's difficult not knowing. It's difficult not knowing, too, whether outside circumstances will inflict traumas that bring the stormy inner waters back to the surface. I hope not. I need some peace. I need some rest. My problems are all still there. My relationship is still falling apart. I still live in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country. I'm still dealing with loss and grief and change of massive proportions and living an unrecognizable life. Somehow, somehow, there's something accessible now that feels like strength, like resilience, like patience, and even serenity. Holy crap! Did I just feel myself smile?

CIZE Does Matter - A PMDD Exercise Challenge

For todayʼs guest post, please welcome The Healthy Hackress.  Her PMDD thread will be ongoing, and I will be happy to post updates here, but if you don't want to wait for me, please follow her journey with PMDD and exercise either on her Facebook page or blog.  She also has a lot of great ideas for—What else?—healthy hacks!  Well worth checking into, even if you donʼt have PMDD.

Recently I was diagnosed with PMDD. Here is my journey from diagnosis, to treatment and more importantly, how Cize by Shaun T gave me my life back.

According to research, PMDD affects 2-10% of women during their reproductive years. It’s common. Very common – but misdiagnosed and misunderstood. Thousands of women right now feel at a loss and don’t truly understand why they don’t feel “normal” or worse, why their life literally falls apart starting two weeks prior to their cycle. Isolation, fear and shame are all too familiar feelings of women suffering from PMDD. I am one of them. Do these symptoms seem familiar? Is it you or someone you love?

PMDD is a mood-based hormone disorder that is cyclic and reoccurring. Sounds like a death sentence, right? Imagine, every single month you know “ITʼS” coming. You’re not sure why but two weeks prior your cycle you’re all over the place. It's like ADD meets Bi-Polar for a 2 week fling, then they break up…until next month. You’re clingy. You’re crying one minute, screaming the next, then sitting quietly, unsure of WHAT just happened. Feeling a bit like Norman Bates with those “episodes.”

Seriously – that’s PMDD. If you have a significant other and they haven’t left you already (because, PMDD truly affects all relationships) – then you’re lucky. They feel it too – but they don’t understand.

You don’t need to wait for a medical professional to confirm a diagnosis of PMDD – it’s self- diagnosable. You track your symptoms and report to your doctor. This is a great tracker that you can use from The National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder [now known as the Gia Allemand Foundation]. Basically, track how you’re feeling before, during, and after your cycle (anxiety, mood swings, irritability, sleep issues, etc). Your doctor is going to ask you to do this – so, if you go in already prepared you’re that much further ahead. This process took me 10 LONG months. Each month I tracked my symptoms so when I went to the doctor they couldn’t turn me away and just tell me, “Everything is normal.”  If you’re living with someone or have close friends/family – ask them to track for, or along with you. When you’re in “IT” – it’s very difficult to emotionally and mentally report back. Having someone point certain behaviors out can be hard – what I mean is, someone is going to tell you the RIGHT thing at the WRONG time – because, you’re not mentally/emotionally grounded. Try to remember – you NEED to hear it. Their unbiased observation is going to provide necessary data for yourself and doctor when treating YOUR PMDD.

Once I had all my data I made that initial appointment and received confirmation that Yes, “It’s PMDD.ˮ Finally, things fell into place and I could breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t crazy. Finally, someone was listening, and everything I had felt was real & important. I had done my research going in. I knew how PMDD was treated. I had questions on top of questions. I needed answers. After all, my children needed their mother and I needed myself. They started me on Yaz—reportedly the only over the counter birth control approved for PMDD. Yes, I know—bad reviews, lawsuits, etc.—BUT, when you’re in the Pits of Hell in the middle of a fight between Bi-Polar and ADD—you’ll try anything to destroy their toxic relationship. I tried Yaz. After my 2nd week both myself and my husband noticed a huge difference. I was less spacey – more clear in my thoughts and finally felt as if I had control. Did I still have anxiety at times? Sure, but mentally/emotionally I could WORK through it opposed to the constant feeling of drowning. Did I have irrational thoughts? Yes, but I was able to work through them. Yaz gave me some mental clarity back. Unfortunately, I developed an irregular heart rate at 145 – even when at rest. Physically, I was breaking down. After an ER visit and a couple visits to the Dr. – I came off of Yaz.

Then I tried Zoloft. *sigh* If you know me – I’m ALL natural—from giving birth naturally to treating headaches with almonds. I’m not huge on medication unless it’s NEEDED. “Well,ˮ I said to myself, “I have to try everything so I know at the end of the day – I did my best.ˮ  3 days later I caught myself staring out my window watching birds & not caring that I was sitting there staring out a window – Kathy Bates from Misery anyone? The things that once made me laugh no longer put a smile on my face. I wasn’t OK with that. I knew I wasn’t ME – bubbly, personable, caring – I wasn’t me. I was only on 25mg and that’s not even the therapeutic recommended dose of 50mg for Zoloft. I then safely decreased (with the support of my Dr.) to 12.5 and discontinued it. Wasn’t for me. That isn’t to say that someone else may not greatly benefit from SSRI’s.

Currently I’m on a different form of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) – Continuous Birth Control, which would halt the dramatic changes in hormones and provide balance. I will need to report back on this as this is my newest form of treatment. Along with the birth control I’m taking a Vitamin B Complex, Daily Multi for Women – I Prefer Rainbow. Natural. Plant based. Also, I’ve added 2 TBSP of Ground Flax Seed to my oatmeal in the morning. According to research, Flax Seed can mimic the female hormone Estrogen and provide other benefits such as relief from Depression. In my search for Vitamins and Minerals that could/would provide potential relief from PMDD – I came across some great work by Dr. Mark Hyman – He’s truly fantastic. I’m a Certified PLATE by Zumba Instructor and he provided some of the training. Here is a great article he wrote with vitamins and remedies in helping to relieve PMS/PMDD.

Now, you ask “Why does Cize Matter Again?” I woke up one morning very early. I couldn’t sleep and was just DONE with doctors not knowing how to help. Done with being turned away. Done with being told “Everything is normal.ˮ I was just done. From one failed medication to another I had it and wanted/needed to take control back. Then I watched the infomercial for Cize. I asked my husband to get it for me because I was willing to try anything to get my new self and leave my old self behind. He did. I was nervous and hesitant. After all, I had tried Insanity and Shaun T delivered. He kicked my A$$ and that felt good. This time around I knew I needed something a bit more “me” – this was it. Cize gave me that. From the minute I played the first day I was hooked. Losing weight and becoming a size 5 was no longer relevant. Waking up everyday knowing I could beat my anxiety became my goal.

Each day it became easier. I felt a bit better. I still had the PMDD symptoms – but mentally, I felt stronger than ever. Shaun T will never truly understand what he helped me get back. I’m in week 4 and I feel better. I look forward to my routines with him because I know he’s right there telling me, “You got this.” I know missing a day isn’t acceptable. Each day Cize is my Zoloft, except I don't suffer from any side effects – like staring out a window for 20 minutes or losing the ability to laugh at everything that once brought a smile to my face.

Some women may need some additional SSRI as a support. Please don't take my experience as true for everyone. Don't be ashamed. Each and every woman needs to find THEIR treatment because PMDD for one is VASTLY different for another.  Listen to your body and remember – doctors aren’t always right. Be your own doctor and researcher. Keep a journal of symptoms and never, ever – stop fighting.

This thread will be ongoing. I will keep everyone posted on my 60 day Cize challenge that I intend on making a routine for the rest of my life. Each day I laugh more, feel the fight harder and see the results I’ve been looking for all along. Mental and emotional health are far more important than your physical appearance. That will come in time. Nourish your soul and show yourself everyday that you matter – release those feel-good hormones because exercise and movement is truly the first line of treatment for any disorder.

Don't be ashamed to share your story, ask questions and or seek support. If it isn’t a fight and doesn’t hurt getting it, it isn’t worth it. Fight hard. Remember, it isn’t about the scale, it’s about how you feel!

If you know someone presenting with PMDD symptoms. Reach out. Don’t push them away. Be a support. Share this blog. The biggest and most deficient need of women suffering from PMDD is support. The National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder provides great support.

Thank you Shaun T for being there & giving me the strength to fight back.

 ~The Healthy Hackress

PMDD Awareness Month Ends, But the Struggle Continues

Today wraps up the end of PMDD Awareness Month.  I've spent the month sharing on Facebook and Twitter several posts from my Voices of PMDD series, where women with PMDD and their partners have shared their stories.  The quotes that follow come from Hormone Hell, the personal journey blog of a fellow PMDD Advocate, Jarrah, who asked her readers to describe what PMDD feels like to them.  I've chosen several responses that I fear we can all relate to in some way.  Please read on, and, if nothing else, know that you are far from alone in your struggles with the demon that is PMDD.  Perhaps one or more of these descriptions will help you to put into words for a loved one what it's like for you, each and every month, and raise awareness in your own way.

On my bad days it feels like my nerves are on the outside, that everything hurts, and there’s a heavy blanket on me that I can’t get out from.

It feels like nails in my brain that prevent me from thinking correctly. The nails stay in my skull for about 2 weeks and then they finally go away and I can think again.

Your brain feels like mush, your memory is poor. You're actually scared that one day you’re going to wake up and forget who you are. Your digestive system is going crazy, you’re constipated one minute, rushing to the toilet the next. Your bladder needs to empty itself 6 times in a single hour. You're hot, no you’re cold, umm, you’re hot again. You love your husband one minute and consider filing for divorce the next. If one more person chews, breathes or coughs, there will be bloodshed.

I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m laughing…now I’m crying. My joints ache. I am only 29 but I feel 99. My hair is thinning; it’s so dry it feels like straw. I have permanent dark circles under my eyes. My skin is so dry it’s flaking.

You’re so tired but no matter how much sleep you get, you still wake feeling tired. You’re hungry one minute, you’re nauseous the next. You can’t breathe; your heart races and you can’t stop sweating. You don’t want to be touched, you feel suffocated if someone sits close to you.

Overthinking is an everyday occurrence and often your head is swimming with thoughts that leave you feeling terribly anxious. You no longer look forward to anything, as each day is just a matter of survival. You have no passion and no longer think about the future. You hate this empty person you have become.

You start daydreaming about dying. Deep down, you know there’s a part of you that definitely does not want to die. You know that, logically, things are fine and you will be okay. But you can’t FEEL that. All you feel is despair, hopelessness, and a suddenly strong urge to leave this world.

Worthless. Empty. Angry. Bloated. Exhausted. Sometimes I just wish I could disappear…just lay down in the grass and get absorbed in to the earth somehow. Oh yeah, and Crazy. I know what I feel isn’t normal, but I can’t change it…at least until my period comes and then I’m right as rain.

Anticipation for hell week becomes a hell week in itself. I can’t control the choking wave of anxiety or the rage of this demon but I have changed my outlook. It will not own me.  I will not let it drown me.  I will swim and swim until I come up for air. Until the next storm. There have been a few hell weeks where no matter how hard I swam I could not escape the urge to let it pull me under and take me in its entirety. Those days and those times I don’t know how anyone makes it out alive.  

Rage, anxiety, mind going crazy, all of those things attacking you all at once. You wish it was over and the sad thing is you have no control over it. You see yourself doing all these dumb things and you try and stop it but it’s so hard to control. But you keep fighting because you love your family and you love yourself too much to give up!

Like a tightness of the skull above the eyes, like my skin and hearing is super sensitive, so I have a headache and am easily overwhelmed. This coupled with lowered patience and attention span means I’m really short-tempered. Sometimes that results in a snappy comment and then unreasonable crying (e.g. about burnt pine nuts), but other times it’s disproportionate rage. Sometimes it’s just a brain fog, where I sit and stare at the work computer, trying to figure what I’m supposed to be doing, and how someone is paying me to sit and feel like my powers of logic and reason have been pulled out through my eye sockets.

It’s like a switch that is flicked inside me as soon as ovulation begins. From that point on I become the opposite of what I consider to be my “normal” self. I’m suddenly extremely anxious, paranoid, worried, irritable and I can snap at the smallest things. The rages are life-destroying. They hurt everyone I care for, and scare off anyone else. My period finally begins and within a day or two, my mood lifts. The anxiety goes away, the paranoia is no longer there. I can think rationally and logically. I have energy to do anything I want, and sadly most of that time is spent picking up the pieces of the storm that lives inside of me, and has--for now--disappeared.  

At the start depression starts to set in, aching body, foggy head, headaches, high anxiety, pains in the stomach, sweating, panic attacks when I go in public, hysterical crying, at my worst, thoughts of suicide. Then my period arrives...all those feelings and thoughts are gone just like that…I’m back, me again, I’m back to normal. I can go to work with ease (if I still have a job). I can go out anywhere with no panic attacks, anxiety (what anxiety?) I am fun, I enjoy being around people and they enjoy being around me. I wish I could be this person all the time, I hate knowing it is short lived and the devil lady will be back again soon.

Sensitivity to light and sound…my son talks and talks and I just want to curl in a ball to escape. That’s horrible to say…but I just can’t handle it.

I always wonder if this mental illness will kill me one day—I’m sure it will. The brightest days are good. I enjoy them. The darkest days however, seem like I won’t ever escape them. Each time it feels like maybe this could be it, the one that I don’t come back from. But somehow I make it through. PMDD is cruel. It’s like every month, sanity is dangled in front of me and I have to hold onto it. There’s a glimmer of hope that this month I’ll be cured, then suddenly it’s ripped away.

I was sitting in my seat watching a movie, my whole body was tense, I was clenching my teeth, my heart was racing, and I was swallowing back the nausea I felt…I tried to push all those feelings out of my head so I could try to enjoy the movie. As I sat there I couldn’t help but think…So this is what my life has come to? It’s a movie for goodness' sake and my body is acting like I need to be on alert just in case at any second someone might try and kill me.

I ended up going for a walk to try to clear my head. My legs would only carry me half way around the block, my whole body was so fatigued and I was so nauseous the symptoms reminded me of how I felt when I was in the first trimester of pregnancy.

PMDD….a war you’re constantly fighting that no one else can see.

The Voices of PMDD -- The Rising and Passing Storm

Today I am honored to be able to share the work and insight of guest author Julie Peavey, who initially wrote this essay about her PMDD for an English class.  I believe it will strike a chord in many hearts, and says things that have been left unspoken for far too long.  Millions of women the world over are losing precious days and weeks of our lives due to this menstrual disorder, with no real relief in sight.  

How much longer must we suffer like this?  

How do I effectively describe what I go through each month?  How do I compare who I really am to the ugly beast that raises its head, without sounding like someone who is insane?  Every month, because of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD, I temporarily become someone other than myself as I enter a storm that I cannot control and must wait for it to pass.

            I can feel the PMDD approaching, hovering, waiting.  It feels like a another presence, a shadow, that lives inside of me and it’s slowly making its way to my mind where it can take over my thoughts and emotions.  It’s behind me where I can sense it, but not see it.  I’m aware of it there and can push it back for a little while, but I can’t stop it and it slowly creeps forward, closer than it was before.  I try to prepare for the inevitable, knowing that I can never really prepare myself for what is about to come.

Darkness, despair, and swirling thoughts descend upon me.  There is a part of me that wants to give up.  I could easily spend hours lying in silence, trapped with my own thoughts in my head.  I question my existence and purpose.  “Why am I here?  Do I really matter?”  My thoughts jump from one to another so quickly that I can’t even fully register them.  Except for one.  One thought keeps coming back over and over again no matter how hard I try to push it away or change it.  That is the thought of being alone and wishing that I had someone I could connect with at that moment, someone who would really understand me for who I am and what I’m going through.  I feel the loneliness in the pit of my stomach and the tears start to flow.  I am unable to stop the emotions once they start, which only leads to frustration at my inability to control the crying.  The tears flow heavier.  I beat myself up for my lack of self-control.  In my head I am yelling at myself to stop crying, to suck it up.  It doesn’t help.  I cry harder, I wail like an infant who yearns for her mother’s embrace, because I too, am in need of a comforting touch to ease the pain of loneliness.  My mind lies to me as I’m not truly alone, but I can’t comprehend that, I believe the lies.

            The loneliness and sadness overpower me.  As a tornado twists and turns and destroys everything in its path, so do those two emotions.  They swirl inside of me destroying any rational thoughts and creating turmoil.  I feel as if I am wrapped in a heavy cloak of loneliness.  Its weight is present in my every thought and action.  My desire to reach out for help is shattered by the false realization that there isn’t anyone I can turn to for even a moment of comfort.  I have no need to share my cloak; all I need is to feel a small amount of weight lifted by the simple connection with a positive soul. 

            Then the depression starts and I go in the opposite direction and want to avoid contact with people.  I write in my journal “Go ahead, lock me up and put me away.  Help me escape this existence called life.  Medicate me until I can no longer remember my name or feel this pain.  Isolate me from the world and allow me to create voices in my head.  At least they will understand me.  Take from me what I do not want and give me peaceful bliss instead.” 

I stay home from work and spend hours wrapped in my blankets thinking that this will somehow help.  I finally pull myself out of bed only to sit in front of the television and numb the emotions with food and hours of watching Netflix.  This is only a temporary fix and somehow I finally garner the strength to reach out to an online community, a family of understanding souls who also suffer every month.  The support comes; words of encouragement and wisdom are given with empathy and compassion.  We know better than anyone else what each other goes through and because of that we are there for each other if only we ask.  “This too shall pass” is shared with me, one of our favorites, because we all know that this eventually will pass.

            And it does pass; the storm ends and the waves of depression subside as the beast settles down to rest until my body decides to send the chemicals needed to wake her from her sleep once again.  The sadness and loneliness are gone and the heavy cloak is replaced with a veil of happiness.  Life has meaning again and I laugh easily and freely. I feel peaceful and calm as I rise early to watch the sun crest the horizon and wash away the darkness.  There is light in my soul again and I stroll in the sunlight and witness nature’s glory all around me.  I experience delight and appreciation in each passing moment, basking in the joy of life.  Like the butterfly that emerges from its cocoon transformed, so too, have I emerged from the storm transformed back into my true self.  I reconnect with my friends and family and vow to always treasure the love and close bonds that we share.  I re-visit the online community and this time, I am one of those offering support and words of encouragement, because I understand exactly what they are going through and wish to ease their suffering if I can.

            The days move forward and I search for a remedy from this madness called PMDD.  I am hopeful that with the help of my doctors I will eventually find a solution that will lessen if not eliminate these symptoms.  I am temporarily free, and yet I can’t help starting the countdown until the next battle begins, and I hope, I hope and pray for the strength and courage to make it through the storm one more time.

To find out more about PMDD and what is being done (and what needs to be done) to help women with this disorder, please visit the National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder/Gia Allemand Foundation, or the NAPMDD Facebook page.  

Also, until midnight October 26, 2016 NAPMDD is participating in the Love Is On Revlon challenge in an effort to raise One Million Dollars for PMDD Research.  We are currently in the top 12 of 150 competitors.  With your help, we could reach number one.  For more information, go here. 

Declare Your Independence from PMDD - Nutrition Matters

Today we offer a two-for-one post, with a guest segment from Julie, a woman who, like me, has taken the responsibility for management of her PMDD symptoms into her own hands.  Read on to find out how and why. 

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. ~Hippocrates, founder of the Hippocratic School of Medicine

Julie starts:  Over a decade ago, I sat down with a doctor and burst into tears. Literally within moments, I had a prescription for an antidepressant.

I left feeling ashamed and deficient somehow. The drug didn't help at all and I was cycled through various others to see if one would finally work for me. When I decided to quit the search, I was tapered off of everything and felt like bolts of lightning were jolting through my body for weeks.

Nobody ever asked about my diet.

I've had three idiopathic blood clots. That means doctors can't identify what caused them. But now I take an anticoagulant for the rest of my life. For years, I've had to be careful about which foods I ate because certain foods could interfere with the medicine.

I even saw a gastroenterologist who wrote me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug before printing me a list of foods that might be the culprit behind my constantly upset belly. There was no real plan, no follow-through. Just a drug to treat the symptoms.

I was told that my symptoms were all in my head and just manifesting themselves in my gut. I felt broken and shamed again.

Yoga was my first step in recovering from depression. I'm now a registered yoga teacher and practice almost daily. I meditate and take long walks to soothe my nervous anxiety. I have been gluten-free for years and until recently ate what I thought to be a fairly healthy diet. I don't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. Most people who know me would probably consider me somewhat of a health nut.

One day it occurred to me that I would never just "open my medicine cabinet and start swallowing random handfuls of drugs." I don't even take Tylenol without checking to see if it's safe with anything else I have to take. But I do this with food. I open the refrigerator and...

I [finally realized that I] paid more attention to the appetizing picture on the package than to what was actually in the package. I finally understood that FOOD IS MEDICINE and that literally every single cell in my body was made of the food I chose to eat.

For the past several weeks, I've been eating nothing but clean food. I've removed all dairy, grains, legumes, soy, and sugar from my diet. I have piled my plate with veggies, fruit, and protein. Everything has been delicious and satisfying. I've definitely lost weight, and I've never felt deprived or gone to bed hungry.

But I've also gained strength and endurance. My sleep has improved. My skin is happy. And my resting heart rate has dropped steadily.

And this happened after only two weeks!

I'm much happier these days than I was a decade ago. I've fought for my own happiness. I now know who I am and what I need to feel like me. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs are helpful to many and there's no shame in taking them—none—but they've become so stigmatized that we sometimes get defensive about them instead of fairly examining the whole picture.

None of the doctors I met ever asked me about my diet. I was told that my symptoms were all in my head. Who cares that my head happens to be connected to the rest of my body?

What we eat matters and affects our entire being, not just our physical body.

Did you know that body fat secretes hormones? It works like an organ. If any other organ were enlarged and throwing the rest of your system out of whack, you'd probably consider that a problem.

Food is comforting. These past weeks have been emotionally exhausting. I got a call from the vet who has been treating our beloved dog for his leukemia. When they diagnosed him, they said he had 7-60 days left. He fought for more than six months! Even so, the vet confirmed that we had to say goodbye. He suggested euthanasia was the most compassionate response. It was gut-wrenching. I was standing in Target sobbing and calling around looking for someone to come to the house that night to help my dog transition in peace.

During that situation and other, equally stressful situations, I found myself face to face with the reality that I use food to comfort myself. I longed for sugar, cream, grains... Cookies, basically. I stared at the brightly colored bags of treats and imagined what it would be like to eat them. To feel their crunch and sweetness and melting chocolate. I felt alarms going off in my head like an addict fighting to stay clean amid temptation. I pushed my cart through the store with eyes red from crying and left with my commitment to a clean diet intact.

Once at home, I made myself a bowl of chia seed pudding with coconut milk and cream, bananas, blueberries, and love. It satisfied and comforted me. It nourished me instead of making me feel sick and sad.

It's okay and good and right to feel comforted by your food. Food is medicine. Food is one of the truest joys in life. Learning to see food for what it really is has been an intense and eye-opening experience.

If you're looking to learn more about all of this, please go find a copy of the book, It Starts with Food. Written by a certified sports nutritionist, it's an absolutely fascinating and inspiring read.

Liana adds:  So make today the day you declare your independence from PMDD.  In addition to whatever treatment plan you are following, take a good, hard look at your food habits.  What you eat, when you eat, where you eat, and why you eat.  Read up on food and nutrition and how it all works to support and sustain your brain and body.  Do what you can to eat clean(er)—and feel the difference for yourself.  Become more body aware as you start to feel healthier. 

Make changes in small increments if that's the only way you can stick to a plan.  Baby steps. 

That's the way I did it, and, like Julie, my symptoms have eased to barely worth mentioning in the year and a half  I have been eating cleaner.  So much so that I haven't needed to take anything for anger, irritability, depression, mood swings or anxiety other than an extra 100mg of progesterone as needed.  (I wear an estrogen patch (.75.mg) and take 100 mg progesterone capsule at bedtime daily.  I take an added dose of progesterone (either via a second 100 mg capsule or a dime-size dollop of progesterone cream) on days when I feel symptomatic.)

Nutrition matters.  And you deserve to be nourished, not pacified.  So give cleaning up your diet a sincere effort, like Julie and I have.  There's nobody out there who can or even will do it for you.  It has to come from you.

Then, once you, too, feel stronger and have more stamina and energy—mentally, emotionally, and physically—you may be able, with the supervision of your medical practitioner, to be weaned from any substances (or situations) you have determined are making you feel worse...instead of better. 

And wouldn't that be something to celebrate?

Readers can find Julie on Instagram @hideadollar and can reach Liana either through posting a comment here or by emailing her at info (at) livingwithpmdd (dot) com.

PMDD in the Trenches -- A Partner Speaks Out

Hello. My wife is a survivor of PMDD and successfully had a hysterectomy last year.

Everybody's partner has their own unique perspective, story, and battle scars. However, I can only imagine what it is or was like for each and every woman that has battled uphill fighting PMDD. My story plays out in three segments: Pre-PMDD, PMDD in the trenches, and post-PMDD.  I'll present the first two here today.

Pre-PMDD: The Quiet Volcano

Before our daughter was born, my wife had fundamental characteristics, that looking back now could have somewhat prepared us for what was to be PMDD. However, I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV and I am not the Amazing Kreskin, so in hindsight, it wasn't our fault that we were not able to predict the future. We had a wonderful courtship, engagement, and newlywed life; everything that you would want pre-children.

But bubbling under the surface was the volcano. I still somewhat to this day wished I had been a more cognizant partner. Maybe those fundamental characteristics could have prepared me to be on the lookout postpartum. I am a planner. I like to stick to schedules, show up on time, and live by the preparation sword. So you can imagine that when my wife and PMDD met; it was nothing you can prepare for.

No partner can gameplan to tackle PMDD head-on. Heck, 90% of the country hasn't even heard of it. Those of you who might be reading this as a partner, might feel the same way I did. I implore you to step back and give yourself some reprieve today and every day moving forward. Likely now you might be in the thick of it, or maybe you're in the [somewhat more peaceful] post-PMDD phase. All you can do [either way] is live in the present moment because there is no point--I promise you--in focusing on anything else [when you are in the throes of PMDD].

PMDD in the Trenches

I can honestly say there has never been a period in my life and during my married life that I felt the walls caving in like they were during "PMDD in the trenches." This is where all the battle scars happened, horrible words were thrown around, bombs dropped, and at the end of it all there were no winners. It was nearly a 5 year period of some of the most tumultuous scenes of my life played out for all to see sometimes, sometimes played out in a shroud of silence. Scenes that looked like they could have been on a Thursday Night Lifetime Movie event, or sometimes things that you see on the local news channel --Yeah, that bad. Remember, I'm a planner; I like things in order, I believe that all things have a place...I am a huge advocate for keeping my life as efficiently run as a possible. My wife having PMDD was the antithesis of all those things.

PMDD ran our life. It was a Gestapo, a real son of a bitch. My wife's life was controlled by a parasitic mind fuck over mind, body, and soul. It took everything out of her and undoubtedly took everything out of me. I wanted to quit. I wanted to run away. I wanted nothing more than to take my children away and never come back. I found solitude in imaginary places that existed far from my wife and far away from any PMDD.

For 2 weeks a month, we were at the mercy of PMDD. It had a massive effect on our lives. I lived by the theory of "hope." I continually held out hope that things would improve. Maybe this month she won't want to lock herself in the closet. Maybe this month she'll want to parent her children. Maybe this month she won't have a panic attack. Maybe this month she'll toughen up--Yes I was thinking that, sadly enough. I was desperate for truth...Desperate for answers....Desperate for normalcy.

I knew as much as she did. I knew probably as much as some of the doctors & therapists knew. What I knew more than anybody though is I still loved my wife through and through. I wasn't going to run, though I wanted to. I wasn't going to get divorced, though I wanted to. I just wanted PMDD to stop ruining our lives. I wanted my lovely wife healthy, happy, balanced, and present--no longer consumed by the heavy fog that is PMDD. I can honestly say we were both held as emotional hostages each and every month.  By a pair of ovaries.

Note from Liana:  A hysterectomy alone will not eliminate PMDD.  If you choose this treatment option, you  need to have the ovaries removed as well.  PMDD stems from something that starts in the ovaries.

I encourage you all today to hold out hope. Hope is all we have. Like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption said to Red, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." I am glad I held out hope because, know this....there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is an end [to PMDD] and a post-PMDD world exists......

More on this next week.  

PMDD Quote of the Week

PMDD - It's not just mental and emotional.  

~Horrible, horrible anxiety tonight, along with every joint in my body aching.~

~Exhausted, and falling asleep against my will all day...~

~PMDD is sometimes like being a prisoner of your own body.~ 

~The thing is, at the toughest time of the month, I don't "cry" -- I just close my eyes and tears stream out of them.~

~I have almost taken my life numerous times in the past, unaware of what I was dealing with, thinking it was some moral failing on my part.~

PMDD can also affect us physically and spiritually.  We can feel on top of the world one minute, and the next be on our knees praying for the strength we need to get through the next day, hour, even the next minute.  Most times there's no way to prepare for its arrival, as the nightmare that is PMDD can creep in slowly, or broadside us in a blink, and totally without warning.  

PMDD Doesn't Do Normal

A guest post from a reader who understands her PMDD well, but didn't always...didn't understand it at all for more than two decades...  I am posting this because she could be any one of us...  Any one of us at all.  

Living amongst demons.…

I THOUGHT I suffered depression for years and the depression was like a rollercoaster sometimes out of control and sometimes more manageable but always there in the corner like an unwanted house guest. 

I THOUGHT I “just” had bad PMS and could get enraged at the drop of a hat.

I THOUGHT that was just my way of life now—I was unhappy in my marriage but accredited that to my issues with ‘depression’.

I THOUGHT about all the symptoms I had and how some didn’t quite fit in the depression tick list and how I couldn’t even fit depression correctly.

I THOUGHT pills were a way of life but why did they never really resolve anything?  I would up my dosage until I couldn’t anymore...only to find the rollercoaster was now an even wilder ride than before.

Then, just over 2 years ago, after receiving counselling for a childhood issue, I found the courage to leave my unhappy marriage. I spent some time alone and the plan going forward was to concentrate on me and my children and this ‘depression’ that had blighted my life…

...only life doesn’t go to plan and instead I ended up meeting and falling in love with the man who was to change my life in so many ways, including discovering PMDD.

The unveiling of a Monster….

Through a series of unrelated events I met my PMDD.

So here I was, deliriously happy, in love for the first time in what felt like an eternity…

An innocent joke made by a friend:  “You may be happy now but has he seen you at that time of the month, kicking cupboards, punching walls, and slapping him?  That love at first sight feeling may drain then, eh?”

I laughed, and said, “I never hit my ex—always punched objects or throwable items only.  Kicked a few doors through.ˮ

My friend realized I was being serious and asked, “Are you serious?”

“Yes.  Every woman does for a couple of weeks before their period, don't they?”

“Er, no.”

Silence.

Growing up, periods and “embarrassing” women’s problems were not talked about in my house.  At all. I wasn’t told what periods are. I instead have an horrifying memory of blood trickling down my leg in the school changing rooms and me sprinting all the way home, crying, thinking I was dying. My mother ran through a textbook version of This is why and don’t talk about it...

...So I didn’t.

Until a joke about periods made me wonder.

Isnʼt it NORMAL? Doesn’t every woman have extreme rage over silly things? And I don’t mean get a bit moody (although that is in abundance also) but no… rage, like a bubbling anger inside you, a pressure cooker just waiting to explode at the most unexpected time?

Isnʼt it NORMAL?  Doesn’t everyone bleed so a packet of Always can be polished off in a day?  Doesn't everyone have to wear two pads at a time and it still ruins clothes and underwear?

Isnʼt it NORMAL? Doesn’t everyone have a migraine about two weeks before the big day? Not just any old migraine, but a crippling, debilitating, every-sound-is-magnified-and-echoes-around-your-head-like-tiny-hammers migraine, where your strongest painkiller that usually packs your headache away in minutes won’t touch this baby—in fact, it reduces you to tears every month?

Isn’t it NORMAL that your stomach swells to the size of three large melons for a couple of weeks a month, so that none of your clothes fit anymore?

Isn't it NORMAL that cravings take over, where every carbohydrate becomes your best friend and worst enemy all rolled into one?

Isn’t it NORMAL that anxiety reaches climaxes that debilitate you, where day-to-day tasks feel like a high endurance challenge you haven’t the energy to even think about, let alone complete? Where facing people in any situation makes your heart feel like it is going to pound out of your chest?

Isn’t it NORMAL that depression pushes you deep into a pit where you feel complete despair but don’t really understand why, and nothing positive can be included in your world right now because no positivity exists anymore and the world is a dark hell?

Isnʼt it NORMAL to experience so much pain during your period you feel you should be in a hospital, and not on a couch with a hot water bottle?

Isn’t it NORMAL to not be able to look in the mirror because you are so unhappy with this person vacantly staring back at you?

I started to suspect maybe not, maybe this isn’t NORMAL after all...

...then came the Eureka moment, the grand unveiling of my PMDD.

This came from being in so madly in love that one second away from this man made my heart ache…

then suddenly…

I am looking at this man and wondering Why am I with you?

I don’t fancy you.

I definitely don’t love you.

My man protests. “Whatʼs wrong?  You do love me, darling.  Look at all these texts, these photos, these little love videos we sent to each other!ˮ

And then he says:  “Why does this keep coming up every now and then? I don’t understand!ˮ

So I look at these texts, these videos, these photos of a happy couple—but it’s not real.  It isn’t me.  That can’t be me.  Not the real me.  I can’t just “imagineˮ all of these negative feelings I am feeling now, in this moment, not to be real.

“No! Youʼre lying!ˮ

Now I am angry at you.  “Don’t lie! I wouldn’t love you!ˮ

Now youʼre clicking my pressure cooker rage on. I DON’T FANCY YOU, NEVER HAVE, NEVER WILL, AND NEVER WILL LOVE YOU….

Then my period comes and I am awash with love for my man, my beautiful man.

I am now full of another feeling—guilt—guilt that I have treated my beloved like a stranger, and an incompetent, unattractive, unlovable stranger at that. I feel like I was featured in an episode of Supernatural and was being possessed by a demon.

I could see what the demon was doing but had no control until the period exorcised it from my body and mind.

So now it was clear… The reason it wasn’t crystal clear to me for the 20 years previously was my unhappy marriage.  It is easy to blame depression and complete lack of insight regarding a woman’s cycle, but now I have found my soul mate and for two weeks a month we have a relationship that people find sickeningly sweet, the kind where “You put the phone down first, I love you,ˮ “No, you, I love you more…” so WHY, WHY would that change?

EUREKA! 

PMDD!

So for the last two years I have been researching this demon, liaising with my doctors, checking, comparing, having ovulation tests, making notes, diary entries...

...and the conclusion is this monster lives in a closet in my head until it’s time for its centre stage moment.

What have I learned?

PMDD is like a chameleon that can adapt and change to capture its enemy and inflict the most damage.

For example: it goes for my relationship feelings, every month, but my partner is amazing.  We adapt better, we know when it is coming.  I get a mist, literally a mist, I look around and it is like the room has suddenly become foggy. This is my sign it is here, the monster has arrived....

So we don’t panic anymore. We go to PMDD mode.  I give the heads up to my partner.  Instead of sloppy love texts, just four words set in place a temporary change in our relationship.

“the mist has arrived”

From this moment on we are now buddies, just good friends, no attempt at affection because he knows I no longer love him, he knows when what he is saying or doing is setting the pressure cooker switch to on so he backs off, allows me to explode in a safe way or just allows the hurtful words to roll off him.

I am lucky. I have a partner who can help me get through another month, survive another cycle.

BUT…

PMDD is clever.  As I said, it adapts. So now it knows I am getting good at battling my demons. So now it changes... now it cranks my anxiety up to uncontrollable levels where I am panicking about everything and anything... I worry my children will fall down stairs, will choke when cleaning their teeth, my partner is going to be killed in a car crash, have an electric shock from the toaster… and bigger and bigger, more extreme thoughts, thoughts that don’t stop….

It throws me into a pit of depression where I can’t leave my bed for days. Everything anyone says around me sounds loud and doesn’t make sense. 

Why doesn’t anyone understand this hell I am in?

There is no way out… the world seems a dark place… I am broken….

So far I haven’t found anything that pulls me out of this pit of despair.  For now PMDD has won yet another round.  I will let it have its minor victory until I can adapt, until I can change, until I can throw up a quick ladder out of the pit, until I can press pause on the vortex of negative thoughts that engulf me…

And so it is… My cycles have now become rounds in a boxing match… Some I will lose, and some I will fight, and will come out battered…exhausted…bruised… and a little more clued up to this hidden enemy.

But for once, I fit a symptom tick list…

I now KNOW what I am dealing with.  And that PMDD is not NORMAL.

And that makes all the difference. 

Until the next round, PMDD.

I will be waiting.

~K