PMDD and Self-Awareness - What Has Your PMDD Taught You?

Today's post is an insightful guest post that describes a journey of self-awareness.  I have long said that self-awareness (and then self-acceptance) is the key to mastering your PMDD. You know yourself better than anyone else does.  Take the time to get to know you, and learn to be your own best friend. Not a moment of that will be wasted, because doing so will bring you many steps closer to wellness.  Get to know who you are on good days and bad days.  Learn to love and accept all of you.  For me, personally, the results were life changing.  I learned to focus on my strengths, and, on days when I could not be anything resembling strong, to focus on my needs. My guest today shares the difference it has made in her life, and in the comments we both hope you will share what you have learned about yourself through your PMDD.

Ladies here is what I have learned about my PMDD, or what PMDD means for me:

1) Low tolerance for fake and false people.

2) Hate lies and lying.

3) Low tolerance for people pleasers.

4) We are super intuitive and creative (could be blocked).

5) Don’t push me or have me multi-task above the pressure I put on myself.

One thing I am grateful for is PMDD has allowed me to get to know all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes, I am super loving and passionate and I can get super irritated and angry as well especially if I feel sarcasm, slimy, abusive, inauthentic, people pleasing, shifty behavior.  Also, to the ‘super smiley-my life- is-perfect people’ - I don’t buy it one single bit.

I am glad that I know my rage, I know her well.

I know my grief, I get down on my knees and weep.

I know my sexy bad ass, she can be sensual AF.

I don’t want to be around fake people or people pleasers, I will have to mirror that bullshit.

I am not interested in small talk.

I am an extrovert but my introvert demands a lot of alone time and I love her for that!

I need to create and often. If I don’t I get cranky.

I need alone time. If I don’t I become a bitch on wheels.

BOUNDARIES are super important.

Successful relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial and fair. I have stepped away from all the ones where I was giving more.

I follow my turn on. I don’t bother if I am not turned on by a place, a person, an event, a function. If I do go I will just become cranky.

My anger and my bitch are there to protect me to remind me to get back into my body and out of my head. To tell me when I have self-abandoned me in order to please someone else or self-sabotaged me away from my dreams.

Next time I will be kinder to me and not leave me again.

No means NO and does not convert to yes the more you whine or beg. With my kids: I am your mom, I won’t always be popular. Suck it up.

On any request: I will tune into my body and ask Do I want to do that now with this person? (It's okay to say maybe another day).

I need variety. People and places. Sameness bores me.

Nature turns me ON. It’s not a luxury but a necessity!

My body needs to move! OFTEN.

Music makes me FEEL good!!!

I would love to hear what you have learned about yourself on your PMDD journey.

The Other Side of PMDD, continued

Since I wrote that last post, and since I was PMDD-ing this week, I really paid attention to what was going on inside my head.   Thursday I was overwhelmed and angry.  Normally I love to feed people, take care of them, give them a hot meal and some home comforts.  But my partner, my son, and I had agreed it would be "fend for yourself" night on Thursday, due to different commitments.  I was therefore "supposed" to worry only about myself. 

But then they both showed up at dinnertime, hungry and neither one of them cooks.  So instead of just worrying about myself, I was suddenly in charge of a meal, and in no mood to graciously pull one together.  Instead I became like a drill sergeant...you, go set the table, you...chop those vegetables....you're in charge of the microwave....you, get us something to drink. 

Not my usual self at all, but I rose to the occasion and kept a lid on my resentments.

Even so, later on in the evening, after we'd come and gone to the Christmas show we were all trying to get to on time, I apologized to my partner for being so...well...bossy. 

He didn't mind.  He said, "You hardly ever get like that.  It's nice to see you're human."

Which got me to really thinking about PMDD and what's going on inside our heads when it happens.  Are we really screwing up, or is it our brain telling us we're screwing up when we are not, and that's what kicks off all the fights and relationship issues? 

Because you know when you're screwing up.  Everyone does.  We don't need people to tell us when we mess up.  Because we know it, inside, when we make a genuine mistake.  Pointing it out to us only makes things worse.  (And I am talking about humans here, not just PMDD women.)  We all get hurt and defensive and either go into withdrawal or denial--or come out fighting.

So here's my thought:  What if we're not really screwing up--we just think we are, and so we act accordingly...by coming out fighting?  The best defense is a good offense...that sort of thinking.

It's something to consider.  Because while I thought I was being overly bossy...he just thought I was trying to get everyone fed and out the door in time.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon.  I am in a rage.  I know I am in a rage.  Thank goodness I am alone.  I think that is part of why I am in a rage.  I don't want to be alone.  I'm tired of working, and I want to take a break, do something fun.

But at the same time I know that if someone shows up...my partner or my son...that's not going to make me happy, either.  I know this, because in that moment, nothing can make me happy. 

So it was best that they each had something else to do for most of the day.

But meanwhile I stewed.  And anything and everything that didn't normally bother me, suddenly bothered me, big time.

By the time my partner arrived to go to church, I was angry and I. Just. Didn't. Care.

But I had spent the day "watching" myself, or practicing awareness, so I knew I was angry, and I knew there was no reason (aside from my hormones) for me to be angry, and I knew I was being irrational, and I knew I didn't want a fight.

So I asked him...Do you ever feel like you Just. Don't. Care?  You don't care whose feelings you hurt, or who you piss off, or what people think?  You've just had it, and you're just going to say and do what you want to say and do?

He said yes, he had felt like that.

I said, "Well, that's the way I feel right now."  Like I am going to say and do what I want to, and nobody better get in my way.

"I see," he said.

"I'm just warning you," I said.  "So that if I do or say something totally irrational, you don't sit there wondering 'What just happened?'"  I'm in that kind of mood."

Oh.  Okay.

And that was the extent of it.  There was no incident.  We had no argument.  We went to church, and then we rented a movie.  We had a perfectly pleasant evening. 

But I felt better letting him know what was going on inside of me, so that should I snap, he wasn't taken by surprise.

He appreciated knowing I was on the edge.  We settled into a quiet evening together.

"So you can control it?" he asked at one point.

Well...yes, and no.

I can control it up to a point.  But when the dam bursts, it bursts.  And at that point, I can't control it. 

My goal is to keep that dam from bursting.  To keep from snapping out on those closest to me. 

Because it is my goal, I am getting more and more successful at accomplishing it.

But I can tell you of a thousand times where I failed.

Try to imagine walking around with a totally irrational "Don't fuck with me" attitude going on inside your head.  Try to imagine this happening several days a month, like clockwork.  It switches on, it shuts off.  You have no control over when it does either.  All you can do is hang on and hope you (and your relationships) survive the ride.

For instance...take a totally normal exchange at the deli counter when you're in one of these moods. 

The clerk asks what I would like.  The clerk asks "sliced or shaved?".  This question totally pisses me off inside...I'm there every frigging week (not true) ordering the same damn thing (close, but also not true) so why can't they effing remember what I like?  (unreasonable expectation).    

Are you seeing how a PMDD mind works?

Meanwhile, I am smiling and politely answering, "sliced" like I do every time, and feeling like I want to punch the next person who crosses my path.

It's really not about you.  (Although it can be, so don't think you're completely off the hook).  It's about doing battle with thoughts that come out of nowhere and are sometimes voiced before you can stop them.  It's about hearing or seeing or doing something and placing the most negative context on it that you can possibly imagine.  It's about not knowing what you want or how to make it better. 

As I told my partner..."Don't even try to make me feel better right now because you literally can't.  You will not be able to win, no matter what you do."

But there are things we can do to keep it from getting worse.  Sit quietly together, watching a movie or maybe listening to music or napping or reading books.  Hug without talking.  Go for a walk.  Just be together in silence, or at least a peaceful atmosphere. 

For me, silence is best, so that I can concentrate on doing battle with the misperceptions going on inside my head.  So that I don't say something I will regret.

In short, when I am PMDD-ing, don't confuse me by asking questions, or by wanting something from me.  This is a time you either need to give to me (your love and understanding) or get the hell out of my way.

There's really no in-between.

Stress and the PMDD Woman

So what causes stress in a PMDD woman?

Well, trauma, for one.   Trauma, (such as a life-threatening accident, war, imprisonment, witnessing or being the victim of a violent crime, including abuse of any sort, a death or major upheaval in the family, especially one over which you feel you have no control) can predispose a woman toward PMDD.  Incidents of trauma like these create neural pathways in the brain that can lead a woman with PMDD to over-react both physiologically and emotionally to normal everyday stressors in her life by producing an excess of "fight or flight" hormones, among other things.  Once this neural pathway has been opened, via trauma, the ruts are established and only get deeper with each new stressor.

 

To top it off, stress can contribute to further chemical imbalances in the brain.

So which came first, the chicken or the egg?  Is it stress that aggravates your PMDD or does your PMDD stress you out? 

 

The answer is both.  Lucky you.

Other sources of stress that work both ways include: 

Addiction

PMDD women are more prone to addictive behaviors, including sexual addiction, relationships addiction, drug addiction, nicotine addiction, alcohol abuse, and emotional eating, all of which bring stress into your life. 

Substance Abuse

This has to do with the reward/pleasure center of the brain, which is basically not working right during an episode of PMDD.  What you think will bring you pleasure or relief from your weepiness and edginess and anger in fact does not, because your brain is not processing information properly to start with.

The following has nothing to do with substance abuse, but is just one example of how my brain doesn't work right during that time...I walk around the track at my local gym.  I time myself.  On a good, comfortable day, I can do one lap in one minute.  Sometimes I can do it in 55 seconds, when I am pushing myself, and sometimes I'm just not feeling up to par and it takes an extra 5 - 10 seconds.  

But on an average day, I do one lap in one minute.

When I am having an episode of PMDD and force myself to go and walk around the track, and I feel like I am moving through molasses and every step is a challenge...imagine my surprise to discover that according to the second hand of the clock, I am actually moving at my normal pace of one lap per minute.

PMDD screws with your perceptions.  Of everything.

This includes what you see, what you hear, what you feel, what you think, and what you reach for to numb the pain.

Depressed people in general like to self-medicate (Remember, the first D in PMDD stands for Dysphoria, or depression) and jumpstart the reward/pleasure center of the brain with external substances, both legal and illegal.  But the PMDD brain does not respond properly to these stimulants, leaving the woman vulnerable to addiction.  Things that only add to the muddle going on in your brain are unresolved conflicts from the past, destructive behavior patterns, cycles of abuse, day to day stress, relationship issues, and cultural conditioning--all of which can lead to substance abuse in non-PMDD women as well.

So not only do the same things that set other women off set PMDD women off, but:

Our brains do not process the information properly during an episode...which leads to all sorts of drama...which only adds to our level of stress...thus leaving PMDD women more prone to substance abuse disorders, whether from the differences in our brain chemistry or the issues and situations that arise as a result of our choices and actions...which are also in part dictated by our abnormal brain chemistry.  

Did you get all that? 

The bottom line is it's a vicious cycle, and no matter which way you look at it, PMDD women lose.

Adolescent Abuse

Briefly, studies have shown that women who have been abused in adolescence are more likely to develop PMDD.

Childhood Abuse

A scientific link has been found between women who were abused as children, and women who develop PMDD.  Again, this has to do with the faulty neural pathways developed in times of trauma, affecting the "fight or flight" response in the brain.

Physical Abuse

Physical abuse has the same effect on the brain as trauma. Women in abusive situations are also more prone to anxiety and depression disorders, which adds to the burden on the brain.

Sexual Abuse

Studies have shown sexual abuse to be a precursor to both Major Depressive Disorder and PMDD, no doubt through the connection to trauma.  A link has been established between sexual abuse, PTSD, elevated thyroid ratios and PMDD.

Next up:  Ideas for reducing the amount of stress in your life.

PMDD and the Confrontational Relationship

So...why did I write that last post?  To show that no matter who you are, even if you know what you are dealing with and have the best of intentions, when you have PMDD, you will fail to come through for someone, somewhere, somehow, in some way.  It's inevitable.

My PMDD is part of why I work at home.  I realized long ago I could never work a full time job outside the home.  Going to the same place every day, seeing the same people, and me not being the same from day to day...

They would think I was crazy.  Like I thought I was crazy all those years.  What do you mean, your brain hurts?  You look fine to me.  What do you mean, you just can't cope?  What do you mean, you can't stay awake?  What's the problem?  Why can't you think?  Why can't you stay focused? How could you make such a mistake?  This isn't like you at all, Liana.  What's wrong with you?

I didn't have answers to any of those questions.  So I stuck to low-paying part time jobs to make ends meet.  I could handle being away from home for 3-5 hour shifts most days.

Now I work at home, don't have to deal with anybody if I don't want to, and only work on the good days.  When a bad day comes along, I take time off and pamper myself.  I realize most women do not have the  freedom to do this...however, I created that freedom as a result of understanding my needs regarding PMDD.  I've built my home and work life around my PMDD.

And I still screw up.  Just like I described in my last post.

 

I didn't have a meltdown.  No, my anger is more cold than that.  If I'm having a meltdown, you're safe--the only one in trouble is me.  It's when I get real quiet that you need to watch out.  Because when I get PMDD angry I mean to cut, I mean to wound.  I mean to kill your spirit.

 

I know this behavior is unacceptable, but in my PMDD state of mind, I do not care.  It's fight or flight, reptilian brain, survival of the fittest, and I am going to come out on top of this confrontation, real or manufactured, no matter what.  It's a fight to the death, baby, not because it really is, but because that is what my PMDD brain is telling me.

 

Just like in addiction, when your brain is telling you you'll die if you don't get another hit, fix, drink, or smoke, a PMDD woman's brain is telling her she is under attack and needs to win this one or she will die.  Either that, or it's telling her to flee, which is when your PMDD partner withdraws from the relationship, either physically or mentally/emotionally, and leaves you wondering What the hell just happened?

In the case of withdrawal, she is sinking into a deep depression where nothing matters, nothing at all.  Not you, not your relationship, and sometimes not even her own life.

Whatever the circumstances, be it addiction or PMDD, what your brain is telling you is untrue — but hey, it's your brain sending you these messages, and it's very hard to stand up to your brain.  (Try saying "It's hard to stand up to my brain" sometime and see what kind of looks you get.)  But it is very hard to mentally override the organ that completely runs your body, especially when your emotions are involved.  It's so much easier to simply lash out at the person in front of you instead—blame them for whatever's going wrong in your life. To blame your own brain would mean you were somehow not quite normal.  Defective, even. 

 

I am telling you this now, while I am in my right mind, so that you can see the difference for yourself.   In general I am a sweet, talented, intelligent, compassionate and creative woman.  I have a lot going for me.  I run a successful business, am an award-winning author, and make my own hours.  I am in a long-term relationship with an amazing man.  We get along super well, and being with him is just so...well...easy.  We don't fight...even when my PMDD self is looking for a fight.   He refuses to engage. 

What he does is listen, and speak quietly.

 

You don't need to shout to get someone's attention.  A quiet comment said without malice will do just as well...as long as your partner is willing to work with you on the relationship.  Maybe a code word or phrase between you will do:  I'm feeling fragile today.  It's one of those days.  It's not you, it's my PMDD.

I am dedicated to my relationship.  Devoted to it.  Willing to do what it takes to make it work in good times and in bad.

I am fortunate indeed to have a partner who feels the same.  One who is kind, compassionate, caring, generous, and truly supports me in my goals and ambitions.

And yet I can forget all of that in a heartbeat when my PMDD comes around.  I hope I did come off as selfish and ungrateful in my last post.  A diva, a prima donna, a pampered princess and spoiled brat.  Here I've been given the gift of a trip to Europe for Pete's sake, and I'm incensed about a phone call he didn't make?

Do you see how out of proportion the anger can get?

That doesn't make it right.  I am simply explaining what happens in a PMDD woman's mind.  I'm not saying you have to accept that kind of behavior from her.  There are ways to take the fight out of her with just a few gently spoken words, if she is open to communication about her PMDD.  But anything you say in a judgmental, condemning, or non-approving way will get you the exact opposite of what you want.

 

A PMDD woman knows when she's behaving badly and does not need you to point it out to her in any negative context.  Her negative thoughts are already creating a bonfire in her brain — adding any more will only fuel the fire. She hates herself during this time as much as you hate what she's doing to you and your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is going nowhere, it could be because of this PMDD loop you're on.

A loop that won't end unless you consciously stop, take a step back, take time out from your heated emotions, research PMDD, find a way to communicate your true feelings to your partner (not your in-the-moment emotion driven ones) and agree to help each other get through this.

What a PMDD woman needs most from her partner when she's feeling ugly and unworthy and unloved is your love and understanding.  She wants and needs your emotional support.  If she doesn't get it, if she doesn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable around you, if she feels even the slightest bit rejected or judged, her fight or flight instinct will kick in, and she will turn on you. The reptilian brain does not distinguish between loved ones or enemies.  It simply fights to win...

Even when there is nothing to fight about.

You know what I'm talking about.  You've been there.  So have I.  None of it makes any sense.  It never has, and maybe never will.

 

PMDD doesn't make sense.  Period.   That's the only thing everyone agrees on.

To those of you still living the nightmare, my heart goes out to you.  I've read your comments and stories and know the daily chaos and confusion you experience.  I was married for sixteen years.  The marriage did not survive the craziness of not knowing or understanding what my PMDD was about.  As a single woman I made seeking and finding treatment options a priority--and have now been blessed with both wisdom and a second chance. 

I want nothing less for you.

PMDD and the Trip of a Lifetime

This time last week I was in Alaska with six girlfriends.  You’d think, since it was the trip of a lifetime, one I had been wanting to go on for over twenty years, one I had been  planning and saving for and working toward for over a year and a half, that I would be having the time of my life. 

I would have been, if my PMDD hadn’t decided to come along. 

The warning signs started over two weeks ago, with the second day on the cruise ship.  I awoke, went to breakfast, went to a nature talk on what we could expect to see in Alaska, and could not stay awake to save myself.  After the lecture, I bailed on my friends, went back to the cabin, and slept soundly until I met up with everyone again for lunch.

I spent the afternoon feeling groggy, but okay.  Then we met for dinner (yes, you eat a lot on cruise ships – it’s part of the experience).  Somewhere in the middle of the meal, I literally felt something in my brain snap into place, like two pieces of a puzzle.  Like a connection that had come unplugged had suddenly been plugged back in.  I felt awake, energized, clear-headed.  Now I could get on with my cruise and have fun.  I  said as much to my companions.  We danced the night away.

Clearly, since that incident happened over two weeks ago, I was ovulating.

A few days later, the sleepiness returned, despite getting the best sleep of my life on the gently rocking ship.  On the tenth day of the trip my irritability arrived.  I snapped at my companions, and realized instantly I was having an episode.  I managed to hold my tongue for the rest of the day, but my inner thoughts ran rampant on every negative thing I could think of regarding the trip.  By evening I was in tears. 

I decided the best thing for everyone involved would be for me to go to bed early.  I did, and slept 14 hours.

The next day nothing, and I mean nothing could make me smile. 

Trip of a lifetime and I wanted to go home. 

I warned the ladies – Tomorrow I will be weeping.  They nodded in understanding.

It didn’t get that bad, fortunately.  Instead I mostly dragged through the day, sighing heavily, and privately wished I were home. 

Three days later I got my wish.  Once I was here, all I wanted to do was sleep.  (Well, I was awake for nearly 24 hours getting home.)  I took a nap every afternoon, claiming exhaustion from the trip.  But I knew I was hormonal, too, and warned those closest to me. 

My irritability returned, but again, after the first snap, I kept it inside…or at least I think I did.  My son did his best to make himself scarce, which only irritated me more.  Didn’t he miss me while I was gone?  He didn’t miss my PMDD self, that was for sure.  Still, I felt hurt and rejected.  I reached for the chocolate.

Monday comes…my work week begins.  I can’t get started.  I can’t get organized.  I wander around the house all morning, putting little things away, sorting this, filing that, clearing clutter, preparing myself to work, but doing no real work. 

That afternoon I take a 3-hour nap.  I awake ravenous and craving chocolate.  I am in full bore PMS mode (yes, you CAN have both PMS and PMDD) when that night and the next I make salty dinners.  Shrimp stir fry with Tamari the first night.  Tuna the second.  (I wanted tuna casserole, which is very salty, but somewhere in the day lost the motivation to make it, so settled for tuna salad and chocolate cake instead.)

My period is coming, but it’s not here yet. 

This morning I have brain fog.  I tried to pay bills.  Forgot to date one check, and forgot to include the credit card payment check in its envelope.  Par for the course with PMDD.  Small mistakes, but with big repercussions had I mailed them that way.  Instead, I ripped open the envelopes, made things right, and taped them up again.  At least I was still thinking clearly enough to catch my mistakes. 

At least I’m still thinking clearly enough to write.  That, too, may change in the next few hours.  Can you imagine how terrifying this loss of control is to a woman who does not know she has PMDD?  She has no idea what is happening to her.  All she knows is in the next few days, or even hours, she will lose her ability to both think clearly and control her emotions. 

And there’s absolutely nothing she can do to stop it.  Once that ship sets sail, it doesn’t stop until it wrecks.

Homes.  Families.  Relationships.

I am blessed in that I am in safe home, family, and relationship situations.  Those who are closest to me, those who spend the most time with me, are all understanding and supportive. 

But what if that wasn’t my situation?  What if I was in an abusive relationship?  Or living with someone who simply thought I was lazy and self-centered?  What if I lived with someone who called me crazy when this happened?  What if I lived with someone who didn’t want to be around me when it happened?  Who threatened to leave me if I didn't shape up?

What if I lived with someone who screamed and yelled at me, ordered me to snap out of it, called me names, and/or demanded, “What’s wrong with you?”

Self esteem takes a swan dive during a PMDD episode.  We feel unlovable to start with during this time.  Anything you say or do to make it worse will be magnified at least tenfold in our minds.  We are fragile and we don’t know why.  We need love and we want to be left alone.  It doesn’t make any sense to you, and it doesn’t make any sense to us.  We didn’t ask for this to happen, and in most cases it will be a long time (due to misdiagnoses and the hit or miss nature of treatments) before it stops happening.

And once an episode begins, nothing, nothing brings you joy…not even the trip of a lifetime.

So be patient with yourself, and be patient with your partner.  Finding the key to your individual situation will take time.  Look for answers from reputable sources.  Be wary of sources that claim to cure your PMDD.  Be cautious about anyone who stands to gain financially from your disorder.  Just like there are cheesy tourist traps when you go on vacation, there are those who only seek to profit from your PMDD misery.  Navigating the waters of PMDD products while searching for a solution can be choppy at best, and downright treacherous at times.  Hold on to the wheel (aka your sanity) with both hands, and if you have someone to help you when things get rough, be grateful for them and let them know it, no matter what ugly thoughts are going through your mind. 

Just keep mentally repeating, that’s my PMDD talking, not me, that’s my PMDD talking, not me.

Keep your mouth shut, and when the episode is over, thank them for being there for you.

The more you do this, the easier it gets.  And when you fail, see my post, They Only See Our Failures.

Take care, God Bless, and be proud of yourself.  Not every woman has the strength to wrestle with her PMDD, month after month after month.   But you are here, and looking for answers to yours.  That’s something worth recognizing and applauding.