PMDD and Self-Awareness - What Has Your PMDD Taught You?

Today's post is an insightful guest post that describes a journey of self-awareness.  I have long said that self-awareness (and then self-acceptance) is the key to mastering your PMDD. You know yourself better than anyone else does.  Take the time to get to know you, and learn to be your own best friend. Not a moment of that will be wasted, because doing so will bring you many steps closer to wellness.  Get to know who you are on good days and bad days.  Learn to love and accept all of you.  For me, personally, the results were life changing.  I learned to focus on my strengths, and, on days when I could not be anything resembling strong, to focus on my needs. My guest today shares the difference it has made in her life, and in the comments we both hope you will share what you have learned about yourself through your PMDD.

Ladies here is what I have learned about my PMDD, or what PMDD means for me:

1) Low tolerance for fake and false people.

2) Hate lies and lying.

3) Low tolerance for people pleasers.

4) We are super intuitive and creative (could be blocked).

5) Don’t push me or have me multi-task above the pressure I put on myself.

One thing I am grateful for is PMDD has allowed me to get to know all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes, I am super loving and passionate and I can get super irritated and angry as well especially if I feel sarcasm, slimy, abusive, inauthentic, people pleasing, shifty behavior.  Also, to the ‘super smiley-my life- is-perfect people’ - I don’t buy it one single bit.

I am glad that I know my rage, I know her well.

I know my grief, I get down on my knees and weep.

I know my sexy bad ass, she can be sensual AF.

I don’t want to be around fake people or people pleasers, I will have to mirror that bullshit.

I am not interested in small talk.

I am an extrovert but my introvert demands a lot of alone time and I love her for that!

I need to create and often. If I don’t I get cranky.

I need alone time. If I don’t I become a bitch on wheels.

BOUNDARIES are super important.

Successful relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial and fair. I have stepped away from all the ones where I was giving more.

I follow my turn on. I don’t bother if I am not turned on by a place, a person, an event, a function. If I do go I will just become cranky.

My anger and my bitch are there to protect me to remind me to get back into my body and out of my head. To tell me when I have self-abandoned me in order to please someone else or self-sabotaged me away from my dreams.

Next time I will be kinder to me and not leave me again.

No means NO and does not convert to yes the more you whine or beg. With my kids: I am your mom, I won’t always be popular. Suck it up.

On any request: I will tune into my body and ask Do I want to do that now with this person? (It's okay to say maybe another day).

I need variety. People and places. Sameness bores me.

Nature turns me ON. It’s not a luxury but a necessity!

My body needs to move! OFTEN.

Music makes me FEEL good!!!

I would love to hear what you have learned about yourself on your PMDD journey.

PMDD Symptom Play by Play Number 2

The following guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

I did promise to write another PMDD symptom play by play, and since my symptoms just kicked in today, I thought now would be as good a time as any to bare my "hormotional" soul. This isn't easy. In fact, it sucks. It's dreadfully intimate, questionably revealing, and even harder to admit. But I am committing. So here we go...

8 Days Out

So what changed in me that I knew that symptoms had kicked in anyway? Well, I felt constipated and bloated today (first time since last cycle), I started pulling my hair out (not intentionally...my fingers just go to my hair and when I pull them away, my hair follows!), and most importantly, I feel just plain flippin' irritated for no extraordinary reason about EVERYTHING. I feel somewhat hair-triggerable, if you will. So I'm starting to avoid the things that trigger me (being everything, meaning isolated myself). I have to add that this month has been an incredibly stressful one already with plenty of relationship tensions. I was already irritable, but it felt different than it does today. I wish I could explain it. There is an accompanying intolerance now that wasn't there before...an inability to censor. My diplomacy skills are fading. Many say that PMDD magnifies what is already there. If that's true, this month ought to be a "real blast".

7 Days Out

I just flipped out over my husband saying, "don't worry", when I couldn't find how to reverse an action he told me to take in some software, messing up my work view. I did warn him my symptoms were coming on.

So are men really that stupid? Don't ever effing tell me how to feel! And certainly DO NOT belittle my frustrations with your petty sentiments of projection. YOU "don't worry"! I'm frustrated. Deal with it! Ouch! Okay, last two nights...a touch of insomnia. Today, RAGE! I think I could pick up this 20-ton glass desk and hurl it out the window like it was made of cardboard! There is a jittery tension just underneath my skin accompanied by an overwhelming desire to be alone in the house...for the rest of my life. I have ghost cramps too. That's what I call cramps that arrive before my period.

6 Days Out

6 days? I don't know if I can last another six days. Today was rough. I cried this morning. I cried this afternoon. I cried tonight. I'm feeling incredibly insecure, let down by and estranged from everyone in my life, anxious, grumpy, and deeply sad. I have wished that I would simply die. Since that's unlikely, I just vegetate with Netflix until bedtime with grateful anticipation of the total unconsciousness it brings...and hope I never wake up.

5 Days Out

Didn't sleep well last night, ironically. In fact, I was ruminating in a way that only comes on with PMDD...a hateful, angry way. I swear, I don't know where this shit comes from. I seem to manufacture it in spite of my desire for peace. Each time I woke in the night, I pounded my pillow and cursed bitterly. This morning, I did my best to isolate myself. I tried to be on my best behavior too, bearing in mind today's best bore more resemblance to a caged animal than to a somewhat decent human. Despite my PMDD Tourette's, a lovely symptom where pure shit just gushes from my lips, I managed to hold-back on some of my impulses to push and stomp. With every bite of my tongue, a part of me celebrated the tiny victory (quite alone...as it was evident to no one but me) while in the next moment I was unbridled...judging, criticizing, blaming, fed up with the same old crap...emotionally abusing my husband while at the same time hearing in some vague and distant background all the kinder things I wish I was saying instead. They were too remote for access. They were a distant land. I wanted to run to my room, to be safe, to protect not only myself but him--the only measure I have at my disposal...isolation. It was too late. His deepest wounds were activated, his own mind becoming the same enemy mine had become to me. It would seem PMDD can be contagious, even without the hormones. My husband reacted and in turn became the emotional abuser, taunting me, drilling me, pressing me, driving me to tears with his own screams of how crazy I am, how uncaring, how hopeless, telling me nothing my PMDD mind hasn't already been telling me, but reinforcing it in a way that broke and battered my already damaged spirit. He threatened me...with quitting, with walking out. He's promised that so many times, and today, I wish he'd follow through. That same distant part of me was proud of him for speaking up for himself in the only way he knew how...not for how he did it, though. How he did it hurt. I must admit today, I had suicidal thoughts. I had world-destroying thoughts. And I cried and heaved, shook and crouched in a corner, desperate to be free of this storm inside of me and the external manifestations of it. Emotionally spent, I listened to a looping recording of a mantra about 20 times which calmed my suspiciously empty mind. I can't believe I'm writing this.

4 Days Out

After yesterday, I'm really emotionally exhausted and kind of blank. I've lost a day. I thought it was Thursday but it's only Wednesday. That's been happening a lot, but I don't relate it to PMDD. It's living in the middle of nowhere! There's nothing I want to do...or feel or think. Despite needing some groceries, I can't make myself go. I feel like the remnants of a bird that has burned in flames but has yet to arise once more from the ashes. I continue my deluge of mantra listening. And I eat chocolate. I know my situation is complex. I have many marks against me right now. To be honest, I probably have some form of PTSD after two years of the worst stress of my life which I admit at least half of it I took on willingly, arrogantly even, in addition to being peri-menopausal and PMDD. I also have no grounding, having moved to a foreign country where I cannot speak the language and where my support network is still fairly non-existent. I had a massage therapist when I could afford her, and now, I have a talk therapist who I will have my first session with tomorrow (Thursday. Not today, Wednesday.) It's a trade-off. There's the recent passing of my mother, too. It's a lot to cope with. Add "relationshit" to the mix, and it's tough to tease apart the symptoms of PMDD from the disaster that is my life. So everything just swirls together into a big complicated mess. Charting saves the day and preserves what little sanity I have left by revealing an intensity of symptoms at certain times of the month. I will persevere. I am resilient. I am determined, too. And in moments, I am remembering who I am.

3 Days Out

This morning, every bone hurts. It was very difficult to get myself up and moving. I would love a massage, but I don't have the funds for one. Yin yoga will have to suffice. My symptoms were less today, which historically, has happened...things can actually mellow before the actual onset of my period. Although, usually without fail, I blow out the day before. We'll soon know...

2 Days Out

Last night, I slept 12 hours!! Pretty typical right before. My dreams were very bizarre. My hair continues to fall, and I had ghost cramps again. Another thing that's started today is a weird head-to-toe itchiness; I've heard other women complain of this too, so I'm no longer surprised. When provoked earlier, I quite easily lost my cool outwardly, but overall, in my head, I feel more stable today, so I'd have to relate any emotional symptoms to other things in my life and not necessarily PMDD. Or maybe I'll start early. The cramps are a good indication I might.

1 Day Out

Surprise! Guess what's here, sparing me an extra day of misery and uncertainty? How am I feeling? The first thing I noticed was the intense ache from head to toe as I pulled myself out of bed at a fairly human time of day. I feel about 20 years older in body. Add a headache and the typical cramping in my lower gut, too. But I can handle the physical symptoms; they are kind of a joy after the week I've had. Emotionally, I feel tentative (as the rest of my life is still incredibly challenging). But I don't feel that uncontrollable sense of building blood-level tension that prompts me to catastrophize and explode (not that I couldn't given the right stimulus...but that I don't feel that "hair-trigger" thing). My mind is also quieter. When I woke this morning, from a dream about pastries and cookies, my first thought wasn't "Oh, fuck, I'm still here; shit, shit, shit!", it was more like, "I'm up." There was no punching of pillows or immediate tears. How do I explain it? It's like an equilibrium, a balancing out. A relief! So can I count on a few days of relief? Or will something fluctuate and turn me mental again? Sometimes, on day 5 or 6, I rebound into "crazy-land" for a day. Sometimes, I'm okay until I ovulate. It's difficult not knowing. It's difficult not knowing, too, whether outside circumstances will inflict traumas that bring the stormy inner waters back to the surface. I hope not. I need some peace. I need some rest. My problems are all still there. My relationship is still falling apart. I still live in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country. I'm still dealing with loss and grief and change of massive proportions and living an unrecognizable life. Somehow, somehow, there's something accessible now that feels like strength, like resilience, like patience, and even serenity. Holy crap! Did I just feel myself smile?

The Voices of PMDD -- The Rising and Passing Storm

Today I am honored to be able to share the work and insight of guest author Julie Peavey, who initially wrote this essay about her PMDD for an English class.  I believe it will strike a chord in many hearts, and says things that have been left unspoken for far too long.  Millions of women the world over are losing precious days and weeks of our lives due to this menstrual disorder, with no real relief in sight.  

How much longer must we suffer like this?  

How do I effectively describe what I go through each month?  How do I compare who I really am to the ugly beast that raises its head, without sounding like someone who is insane?  Every month, because of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD, I temporarily become someone other than myself as I enter a storm that I cannot control and must wait for it to pass.

            I can feel the PMDD approaching, hovering, waiting.  It feels like a another presence, a shadow, that lives inside of me and it’s slowly making its way to my mind where it can take over my thoughts and emotions.  It’s behind me where I can sense it, but not see it.  I’m aware of it there and can push it back for a little while, but I can’t stop it and it slowly creeps forward, closer than it was before.  I try to prepare for the inevitable, knowing that I can never really prepare myself for what is about to come.

Darkness, despair, and swirling thoughts descend upon me.  There is a part of me that wants to give up.  I could easily spend hours lying in silence, trapped with my own thoughts in my head.  I question my existence and purpose.  “Why am I here?  Do I really matter?”  My thoughts jump from one to another so quickly that I can’t even fully register them.  Except for one.  One thought keeps coming back over and over again no matter how hard I try to push it away or change it.  That is the thought of being alone and wishing that I had someone I could connect with at that moment, someone who would really understand me for who I am and what I’m going through.  I feel the loneliness in the pit of my stomach and the tears start to flow.  I am unable to stop the emotions once they start, which only leads to frustration at my inability to control the crying.  The tears flow heavier.  I beat myself up for my lack of self-control.  In my head I am yelling at myself to stop crying, to suck it up.  It doesn’t help.  I cry harder, I wail like an infant who yearns for her mother’s embrace, because I too, am in need of a comforting touch to ease the pain of loneliness.  My mind lies to me as I’m not truly alone, but I can’t comprehend that, I believe the lies.

            The loneliness and sadness overpower me.  As a tornado twists and turns and destroys everything in its path, so do those two emotions.  They swirl inside of me destroying any rational thoughts and creating turmoil.  I feel as if I am wrapped in a heavy cloak of loneliness.  Its weight is present in my every thought and action.  My desire to reach out for help is shattered by the false realization that there isn’t anyone I can turn to for even a moment of comfort.  I have no need to share my cloak; all I need is to feel a small amount of weight lifted by the simple connection with a positive soul. 

            Then the depression starts and I go in the opposite direction and want to avoid contact with people.  I write in my journal “Go ahead, lock me up and put me away.  Help me escape this existence called life.  Medicate me until I can no longer remember my name or feel this pain.  Isolate me from the world and allow me to create voices in my head.  At least they will understand me.  Take from me what I do not want and give me peaceful bliss instead.” 

I stay home from work and spend hours wrapped in my blankets thinking that this will somehow help.  I finally pull myself out of bed only to sit in front of the television and numb the emotions with food and hours of watching Netflix.  This is only a temporary fix and somehow I finally garner the strength to reach out to an online community, a family of understanding souls who also suffer every month.  The support comes; words of encouragement and wisdom are given with empathy and compassion.  We know better than anyone else what each other goes through and because of that we are there for each other if only we ask.  “This too shall pass” is shared with me, one of our favorites, because we all know that this eventually will pass.

            And it does pass; the storm ends and the waves of depression subside as the beast settles down to rest until my body decides to send the chemicals needed to wake her from her sleep once again.  The sadness and loneliness are gone and the heavy cloak is replaced with a veil of happiness.  Life has meaning again and I laugh easily and freely. I feel peaceful and calm as I rise early to watch the sun crest the horizon and wash away the darkness.  There is light in my soul again and I stroll in the sunlight and witness nature’s glory all around me.  I experience delight and appreciation in each passing moment, basking in the joy of life.  Like the butterfly that emerges from its cocoon transformed, so too, have I emerged from the storm transformed back into my true self.  I reconnect with my friends and family and vow to always treasure the love and close bonds that we share.  I re-visit the online community and this time, I am one of those offering support and words of encouragement, because I understand exactly what they are going through and wish to ease their suffering if I can.

            The days move forward and I search for a remedy from this madness called PMDD.  I am hopeful that with the help of my doctors I will eventually find a solution that will lessen if not eliminate these symptoms.  I am temporarily free, and yet I can’t help starting the countdown until the next battle begins, and I hope, I hope and pray for the strength and courage to make it through the storm one more time.

To find out more about PMDD and what is being done (and what needs to be done) to help women with this disorder, please visit the National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder/Gia Allemand Foundation, or the NAPMDD Facebook page.  

Also, until midnight October 26, 2016 NAPMDD is participating in the Love Is On Revlon challenge in an effort to raise One Million Dollars for PMDD Research.  We are currently in the top 12 of 150 competitors.  With your help, we could reach number one.  For more information, go here. 

PMDD and How to Survive Family Gatherings, Part One

The following is an excerpt from my book, PMDD and Relationships.  

There are a lot of us who genuinely would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one reason or another, aren’t willing or ready to make any sort of break with our fundamental family ties—because without family, what are we, but alone?

Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when according to what we see on television, everyone else is having the time of their lives.

So in this section I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.

1. Lower your expectations. Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? The media. Starting as early as September, advertisements abound showing happy families sharing holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like rail-thin runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody in advertising’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday life.

So don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, personal chefs, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?

The same goes for the happy families on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and props and wardrobe and production crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other. They’re just a bunch of strangers acting like a happy family.

Don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like. For instance, for Thanksgiving this year my husband and I tried out a new recipe for veggie chili, made cornbread, bought some ice cream, invited one (one!) friend over, and had a great time. This same friend and I used to do the whole turkey dinner thing with a big group of friends, which was fun at the time, but since then have shifted to more low key activities.

For Christmas, we went our separate ways. No harm, no foul. For Easter, my husband and I spent the weekend in a lakeside cabin with different friends, from my high school.

It’s all good.

2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for the positive throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink table, maybe ask if there is anything you can bring back for them. Deflect, divert, disarm. (If you’re already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. “Would you like some more mashed potatoes?ˮ Switch the focus to them, in a polite, non-threatening way. Don’t let them get your goat.) Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.

3. Use the event as an opportunity for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use the occasion as an opportunity to learn about how and, as I said in chapter three, who you “don’t” want to be.

4. Set your intention to have a good time, no matter what. Do everything in your power to get a good night’s sleep beforehand. Read up on prayer or positive thinking and prepare yourself to view the gathering as a “spiritualˮ event. One in which you know your spirit will be challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books I’ve read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.

5. Eliminate three words from your vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. Try it. Practice in advance. As in so many other areas, awareness is the key. Become more aware of these “conflict coals” and do your best to not add any more to the fire. Or, as an exercise in self-entertainment, start to notice how often others use these coals of conflict to fan the flames of family discontent.

6. Stay sober. I know this is a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a woman with PMDD needs to stay away from alcohol. Like stress and trauma and abuse, alcohol only makes your PMDD symptoms worse. If you must drink, down a full glass of water in between each alcoholic beverage to both hydrate and pace yourself. My personal philosophy is when you get to the point where you feel like you “really want” another drink to keep that buzz going—the buzz is already on and it’s time to start backing off or you’re sure to regret it come morning.

7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.

8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring (or bookmark on your phone/tablet) photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are brushed off, ignored, or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.

9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.

10. Drive separately, so you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own (preferably non-alcoholic) drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, text or call a friend you’ve arranged to contact beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free. If no friends are available to text, there are always PMDD groups on Facebook you can vent to. There is usually someone online 24/7.

11. It may well go against the grain, but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your partner’s family, you’ll have as many years as you need to work on it.

12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Limit your time with your relatives so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.

When all else fails, disengage.

Because sometimes nothing less than to Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with it guilt-free, telling your family you’re taking a break and will see them next time around.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD. 

The Voices of PMDD, A Partner's Perspective on Seeking Treatment

I have to start with thanking everyone for reading my last post. It was great to know that my post hit a chord with so many.

Liana asked me an interesting question – does my partner know she suffers from PMDD?

The simple answer is yes, but I think she subconsciously would prefer to forget that PMDD-driven events happen. One of my greatest struggles has been the lack of empathy received during and after PMDD episodes – just part of the PMDD zone, I guess.

How black have I been?

I wrote the following during one of our PMDD episodes:

Do I care anymore?

I don’t like being hurt, but it is also pointless being in a relationship where I don’t get what I need. This can only lead to frustration. I am being made to feel worthless every month. As I’ve been warned, that comes with a substantial mental health cost. There is only so much you can put up with, and I think I am there now.

So, plan from here? I’m an exhausted man. I’ll just avoid her, and give myself space to think about if I can handle things any more. There is no point trying to directly reconcile, as she will just want to fight.

One of the pieces of feedback I received from my prior post was asking what we had done to try and treat the PMDD. I couldn’t fit everything into my prior post, so I thought I’d cover it here.

My partner has found it challenging to seek clinical help – to do so requires her to speak to outsiders regarding the details of her moods etc., that she knows are challenging (you are making me shove pills down my throat/they are making me fat/you are making me tell strangers about how crazy I am).
I completely understand...and yet, I definitely end up with a sense of hopelessness - if she had diabetes, there would be no doubt she'd be accepting of medical help. 
However, with my support and encouragement, we have certainly explored this space.

We first went down the SSRI route. I’ve no doubt this helped, but the side effects became frustrating for both of us.

We sought specialist assistance after that and some hormone type medications were prescribed, one of which was Cyproterone, but it was really a disaster. We only lasted a couple of months – the side effects were horrific. The most accurate description would be that she was in the PMDD zone for two solid months. It is almost impossible to describe how awful you end up feeling as a partner when she is constantly angry and you can't do anything right.  You end up suffering from sleep deprivation from wondering just what has gone so horribly wrong in your relationship. What makes it even worse is she has no ability to understand the impact her behavior is having on you - there is absolutely no empathy. 

I ended up as a burnt out mess.

Where are we today? We are retrying vitamin type supplements, as well as making diet changes. Caffeine seems to be a bit of a problem – one of the many tips we’ve picked up from the Rushing Woman’s Syndrome eBook, which describes the “biochemical and emotional effects of constantly being in a rush, and the health consequences that urgency elicits.ˮ

So things are quite calm at the moment – and my own blackness has gone. Until the next time.

The Other Side of PMDD, continued

Since I wrote that last post, and since I was PMDD-ing this week, I really paid attention to what was going on inside my head.   Thursday I was overwhelmed and angry.  Normally I love to feed people, take care of them, give them a hot meal and some home comforts.  But my partner, my son, and I had agreed it would be "fend for yourself" night on Thursday, due to different commitments.  I was therefore "supposed" to worry only about myself. 

But then they both showed up at dinnertime, hungry and neither one of them cooks.  So instead of just worrying about myself, I was suddenly in charge of a meal, and in no mood to graciously pull one together.  Instead I became like a drill sergeant...you, go set the table, you...chop those vegetables....you're in charge of the microwave....you, get us something to drink. 

Not my usual self at all, but I rose to the occasion and kept a lid on my resentments.

Even so, later on in the evening, after we'd come and gone to the Christmas show we were all trying to get to on time, I apologized to my partner for being so...well...bossy. 

He didn't mind.  He said, "You hardly ever get like that.  It's nice to see you're human."

Which got me to really thinking about PMDD and what's going on inside our heads when it happens.  Are we really screwing up, or is it our brain telling us we're screwing up when we are not, and that's what kicks off all the fights and relationship issues? 

Because you know when you're screwing up.  Everyone does.  We don't need people to tell us when we mess up.  Because we know it, inside, when we make a genuine mistake.  Pointing it out to us only makes things worse.  (And I am talking about humans here, not just PMDD women.)  We all get hurt and defensive and either go into withdrawal or denial--or come out fighting.

So here's my thought:  What if we're not really screwing up--we just think we are, and so we act accordingly...by coming out fighting?  The best defense is a good offense...that sort of thinking.

It's something to consider.  Because while I thought I was being overly bossy...he just thought I was trying to get everyone fed and out the door in time.

Fast forward to Saturday afternoon.  I am in a rage.  I know I am in a rage.  Thank goodness I am alone.  I think that is part of why I am in a rage.  I don't want to be alone.  I'm tired of working, and I want to take a break, do something fun.

But at the same time I know that if someone shows up...my partner or my son...that's not going to make me happy, either.  I know this, because in that moment, nothing can make me happy. 

So it was best that they each had something else to do for most of the day.

But meanwhile I stewed.  And anything and everything that didn't normally bother me, suddenly bothered me, big time.

By the time my partner arrived to go to church, I was angry and I. Just. Didn't. Care.

But I had spent the day "watching" myself, or practicing awareness, so I knew I was angry, and I knew there was no reason (aside from my hormones) for me to be angry, and I knew I was being irrational, and I knew I didn't want a fight.

So I asked him...Do you ever feel like you Just. Don't. Care?  You don't care whose feelings you hurt, or who you piss off, or what people think?  You've just had it, and you're just going to say and do what you want to say and do?

He said yes, he had felt like that.

I said, "Well, that's the way I feel right now."  Like I am going to say and do what I want to, and nobody better get in my way.

"I see," he said.

"I'm just warning you," I said.  "So that if I do or say something totally irrational, you don't sit there wondering 'What just happened?'"  I'm in that kind of mood."

Oh.  Okay.

And that was the extent of it.  There was no incident.  We had no argument.  We went to church, and then we rented a movie.  We had a perfectly pleasant evening. 

But I felt better letting him know what was going on inside of me, so that should I snap, he wasn't taken by surprise.

He appreciated knowing I was on the edge.  We settled into a quiet evening together.

"So you can control it?" he asked at one point.

Well...yes, and no.

I can control it up to a point.  But when the dam bursts, it bursts.  And at that point, I can't control it. 

My goal is to keep that dam from bursting.  To keep from snapping out on those closest to me. 

Because it is my goal, I am getting more and more successful at accomplishing it.

But I can tell you of a thousand times where I failed.

Try to imagine walking around with a totally irrational "Don't fuck with me" attitude going on inside your head.  Try to imagine this happening several days a month, like clockwork.  It switches on, it shuts off.  You have no control over when it does either.  All you can do is hang on and hope you (and your relationships) survive the ride.

For instance...take a totally normal exchange at the deli counter when you're in one of these moods. 

The clerk asks what I would like.  The clerk asks "sliced or shaved?".  This question totally pisses me off inside...I'm there every frigging week (not true) ordering the same damn thing (close, but also not true) so why can't they effing remember what I like?  (unreasonable expectation).    

Are you seeing how a PMDD mind works?

Meanwhile, I am smiling and politely answering, "sliced" like I do every time, and feeling like I want to punch the next person who crosses my path.

It's really not about you.  (Although it can be, so don't think you're completely off the hook).  It's about doing battle with thoughts that come out of nowhere and are sometimes voiced before you can stop them.  It's about hearing or seeing or doing something and placing the most negative context on it that you can possibly imagine.  It's about not knowing what you want or how to make it better. 

As I told my partner..."Don't even try to make me feel better right now because you literally can't.  You will not be able to win, no matter what you do."

But there are things we can do to keep it from getting worse.  Sit quietly together, watching a movie or maybe listening to music or napping or reading books.  Hug without talking.  Go for a walk.  Just be together in silence, or at least a peaceful atmosphere. 

For me, silence is best, so that I can concentrate on doing battle with the misperceptions going on inside my head.  So that I don't say something I will regret.

In short, when I am PMDD-ing, don't confuse me by asking questions, or by wanting something from me.  This is a time you either need to give to me (your love and understanding) or get the hell out of my way.

There's really no in-between.