PMDD and How to Survive Family Gatherings, Part One

The following is an excerpt from my book, PMDD and Relationships.  

There are a lot of us who genuinely would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one reason or another, aren’t willing or ready to make any sort of break with our fundamental family ties—because without family, what are we, but alone?

Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when according to what we see on television, everyone else is having the time of their lives.

So in this section I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.

1. Lower your expectations. Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? The media. Starting as early as September, advertisements abound showing happy families sharing holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like rail-thin runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody in advertising’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday life.

So don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, personal chefs, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?

The same goes for the happy families on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and props and wardrobe and production crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other. They’re just a bunch of strangers acting like a happy family.

Don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like. For instance, for Thanksgiving this year my husband and I tried out a new recipe for veggie chili, made cornbread, bought some ice cream, invited one (one!) friend over, and had a great time. This same friend and I used to do the whole turkey dinner thing with a big group of friends, which was fun at the time, but since then have shifted to more low key activities.

For Christmas, we went our separate ways. No harm, no foul. For Easter, my husband and I spent the weekend in a lakeside cabin with different friends, from my high school.

It’s all good.

2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for the positive throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink table, maybe ask if there is anything you can bring back for them. Deflect, divert, disarm. (If you’re already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. “Would you like some more mashed potatoes?ˮ Switch the focus to them, in a polite, non-threatening way. Don’t let them get your goat.) Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.

3. Use the event as an opportunity for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use the occasion as an opportunity to learn about how and, as I said in chapter three, who you “don’t” want to be.

4. Set your intention to have a good time, no matter what. Do everything in your power to get a good night’s sleep beforehand. Read up on prayer or positive thinking and prepare yourself to view the gathering as a “spiritualˮ event. One in which you know your spirit will be challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books I’ve read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.

5. Eliminate three words from your vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. Try it. Practice in advance. As in so many other areas, awareness is the key. Become more aware of these “conflict coals” and do your best to not add any more to the fire. Or, as an exercise in self-entertainment, start to notice how often others use these coals of conflict to fan the flames of family discontent.

6. Stay sober. I know this is a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a woman with PMDD needs to stay away from alcohol. Like stress and trauma and abuse, alcohol only makes your PMDD symptoms worse. If you must drink, down a full glass of water in between each alcoholic beverage to both hydrate and pace yourself. My personal philosophy is when you get to the point where you feel like you “really want” another drink to keep that buzz going—the buzz is already on and it’s time to start backing off or you’re sure to regret it come morning.

7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.

8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring (or bookmark on your phone/tablet) photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are brushed off, ignored, or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.

9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.

10. Drive separately, so you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own (preferably non-alcoholic) drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, text or call a friend you’ve arranged to contact beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free. If no friends are available to text, there are always PMDD groups on Facebook you can vent to. There is usually someone online 24/7.

11. It may well go against the grain, but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your partner’s family, you’ll have as many years as you need to work on it.

12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Limit your time with your relatives so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.

When all else fails, disengage.

Because sometimes nothing less than to Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with it guilt-free, telling your family you’re taking a break and will see them next time around.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD. 

Relationships - How To Survive Family Gatherings

Although many of you enjoyed it, and very much I appreciate your saying so, I wasn’t completely happy with my post last week. I generally try to offer positive insights and information, and somehow the idea of leaving it at “If you don’t get along with your family, then just don’t go,” didn’t set well with me.

Because there are a lot of us who genuinely would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one reason or another, simply aren’t willing or ready to make that kind of a break with our fundamental family ties…because without family, what are we, but alone?

Nobody likes to be alone. Especially on the holidays, when, according to what see on television, everyone else is out having the time of their lives.

So, this week I want to offer some positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your future family gatherings, be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.

1. Lower your expectations: Most people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come from? Your television. Starting well into October, advertisements abound showing happy families gathering and sharing their holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in most families. Just like skinny runway models are not true representations of the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody’s image of an ideal—and ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday real life.

And don’t blame yourself if your holiday event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would, too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, cooks, housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?

Same with the happy families on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and production crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other! They’re just a bunch of strangers acting like a happy family.

So don’t fall for the hype. Work with what you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image of what your holiday gathering should be like.

2. Arrive with a smile and determination to look for nuggets of good humor throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink, perhaps even asking if there is anything you can bring back for them. (If you're already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some food. "Would you like some more mashed potatoes?") Switch the focus to them, in a polite way. Don’t let them get your goat. Once you’ve returned with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.

3. Use the event as an opportunity for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use it as an opportunity to learn about how you “don’t” want to be.

4. Set your intention to have a good time, no matter what. Get a good night’s sleep beforehand. Read up and prepare yourself to view the gathering as a spiritual event. One in which you know your spirit will be challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books I’ve ever read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.

5. Eliminate three words from your vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. The reasons why are explained in this article.

6. Stay sober. I know this is a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a PMDD woman needs to stay away from alcohol.

7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict that develops. Period.

8. Stay away from discussions involving sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring up…bring photos of the kids or your last vacation. Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are ignored or dismissed. Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.

9. Invite a friend or two who has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.

10. Drive separately, so that you can escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises. Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, call a friend you’ve arranged to call beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist some moral support, and do it guilt-free.

11. And it may well go against the grain, but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your mate’s family, you’ll have as many years as you need to, to work on it.

12. Another sanity-saving option is to arrive late and leave early. Simply limit your time with your closest relatives, so that whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.

Below are some other excellent resources for success:

Overall tips on dealing with holiday stress:

The Happiness Project: Eight Tips for Dealing With Difficult Relatives over the Holidays

This article from Spiritual Zen has some really good ideas, such as be prepared and have a plan, seek to understand rather than be understood, and know when enough is enough.

And for the less spiritual and more practical among us: Practical Tips for Dealing With Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

When all else fails, disengage.

Because sometimes nothing less than Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with it guilt-free, telling your family you’re simply taking a break and will see them next time.

Next week: Dealing with your immediate family when you have PMDD. Until then, Happy New Year and be blessed...