I have suffered with Premenstrual Dysphoric
Disorder (PMDD) since I was 13, but I was only
diagnosed at 27. For over 10 years I had been diagnosed as depressed and in and
out of community mental health departments. After stopping the Pill and having
a baby at age 21, my hormones went crazy and I suffered pre and post natal
depression. In the years that followed I began noticing a pattern to my moods
and depression. At times, I thought I really was severely mentally ill. I
always had PMS, but I realised my worst times happened when I was due on
my period. My PMS was so severe it had begun to take over my life, wreck
relationships, ruin jobs, studying, and caused me so much emotional pain I
often found myself considering suicide. I would become housebound, with no
social life or friends and fearful of ever making an appointment because I
could never guarantee how I would be feeling.
It was only my persistence and
researching that made me realise I did in fact have a mood disorder and not
straightforward depression. I Googled 'mood disorders' instead of depression
and discovered PMDD – Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. I read the only book
available at that time, and began to track my moods using a chart from the
book. I found a GP willing to listen, took in printed information and my charts
and got the correct diagnosis of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Coming to
terms with what that meant took many years, and sometimes I still struggle.
PMS is one thing, many women suffer
with moodiness, anger, irritability at pre-menstruation, but my PMDD threatened
to destroy everything. As a mother, I felt I wasn't well enough to look after
my children, I have been unable to work and feel really separated from the rest
of the world. Only 3-8% of women suffer with PMDD, the rest get through each
month without disaster. It is very difficult to find people to talk to who
understand what I’m experiencing when PMDD is so rare, and when menstrual
problems are often seen as something to joke about or ridicule. I have often
dealt with comments like 'pull yourself together' and 'get a grip', and even
people denying PMDD exists.
PMDD is distinguishable by the
dysphoria that is experienced. Feelings of being completely overwhelmed,
spiralling thoughts, outrage, anger, frustration, anxiety and suicidal ideation
coupled with the physical symptoms, which can include, bloating, IBS, tender
breasts, cramps, lower back pain, lethargy, and sleep and appetite changes. I
am sensitive to the changes in hormones during my cycle, and I also experience a
few days of unstable moods and physical symptoms during ovulation. My PMDD does
not occur once a month but twice a month, leaving on average 10-14 days of
feeling like me, and the rest being spent coping with symptoms. This will
continue until menopause.
I am now 34 and have tried every
medication offered to me. I have discovered I am very sensitive to any
type of hormone and cannot tolerate the Pill or IUD. I spent a total of 5 years
on anti-depressants, which never really worked for me. They took the edge off,
but didn't stop the extreme lows and outbursts. I have seen psychiatrists and
gynaecologists. At one point, I went through hormone treatment to stop all my
hormones and put me into a chemical menopause. This is often a route that works
for PMDD sufferers, and many go on to have hysterectomies. Unfortunately, this
option did not work for me, and the treatment made me very ill.
I have found that counselling has helped, along with mind techniques such as CBT, NLP and meditation. Finding support is essential. Being able to talk through
the irrational thoughts can usually avert disaster. Keeping busy is also a good
way to keep the mind focused, so I draw, create, paint, write and bake lots!
I am now medication free for the
first time in my life. I have had to learn my cycle and I now plan things
around it. I avoid busy social situations when I know it will be too much for
me. Eating healthily, regular exercise and avoiding stress has also helped
improve my symptoms. Making sure I continue to communicate with loved ones and
work through problems, finding strength to leave the house even when I don't
want to and being open and outspoken about my disorder all contribute to life
feeling easier and less stressful and traumatic. Fitting into society and
getting a regular job is a whole other problem. After all, who would employ
someone who can only function and deal with stressful situations for 10-14 days
out of every month? I focus on my children and being the best mother I can be,
my writing, art, and getting through each month without trauma.
Living with PMDD is very
challenging, but I am trying to make the best of my life, for me and my
children. There is always hope, the negative feelings and dysphoria will always
pass. Life is a rollercoaster but as someone once said to me – you're a long
time dead. Women need to speak out and stop being ashamed of suffering from PMS/PMDD.
Every voice helps change the way people think and I find talking and being
honest is always the best option.
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