PMDD and Holiday Stress

Offhand, I can think of four good sources of holiday stress: family, food, finances, and expectations.  Each causes its own manner of stress, but like a toxic family with a volatile history, they all intertwine.  For example: Your family has expectations that involve your finances, either via hosting a food-laden event, traveling to a food-laden event, or simply exchanging gifts. 

Funny, but our current culture would have us believe that the more we spend, the more we care.

Is that messed up or what?  Then, of course, there are the guilt purchases.  You know, the sometimes extravagant but almost always expensive gifts you buy to convince someone how much you care when you won't be showing up in person.  Or maybe you will be there, but you'll have to leave early, or it's the only time you've seen this person since whenever, and you feel guilty about that.  Then there's the keeping-up-with-everyone-else spending. Your gift can't possibly come in at a dollar value less that the gifts "the others" are giving, or you'll look bad.  So you either buy something you can't afford, or pony up your share of a gift you didn't choose and can't afford. 

But I digress.  Above are only a few examples of generic holiday stressors.  A PMDD woman doesn't handle stress well to start with, and so when the holiday madness begins....

You can understand why all she wants is for it to be over, or at the very least, to get through it without a meltdown.

So let's stop for a minute, just stop and think.  What are all these holiday gatherings supposed to be about?  Connecting, making memories to hold you through until you see each other again, right? (Or, if you're all local, celebrating another year of life's ups and downs together.) 

But somewhere along the way, everything shifted.  Away from Jesus and family, peace and goodwill, and toward fueling a selling season that accounts for 40% of the year's retail revenue. 

Connecting more deeply with friends and family is not about two months plus of frenzied shopping to see who comes up with the biggest, best, shiniest gift.  It's about coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring.  It's about making eye contact (put those electronics away!!), feeling genuinely happy to see each other, and connecting in a special way...but not a deep and forever-bonding kind of way.  If you come to the party expecting that, you've fallen into the trap of unrealistic expectations, and you'll only be disappointed. 

Holiday gatherings are for having lighthearted fun and making good, positive memories.  If a heart to heart connection happens, consider it a bonus.  But don't go into the event expecting anything more than a good time.

Happy holiday gatherings are about spending time with people who share common interests, values, and beliefs.  And if that doesn't happen—which is most of the time—it's about managing to enjoy the day and company as best as you can.  In a worst case scenario, it's about keeping the peace (and your peace) for as long as you and these spiritual, mental, and emotional strangers spend time together.

Not everyone is blessed enough to have a group to gather with.  If you are, but can't stand to be around them, and absolutely, positively can not escape attending the festivities, the prevailing advice is to limit your visits to a couple of hours at a time.  If you've traveled long distance, take breaks to visit friends in the area, or maybe revisit familiar local haunts, or even show your partner or kids where you grew up.  If you don't want to do that, or don't know anyone else in town, maybe you can visit some sort of tourist attraction in the area for a break between bouts with relatives.  Or you can offer to be the gofer who runs errands.  Somebody always needs something they forgot to bring at these things.  Offer to fetch it, and use the time to regroup.  If you're not from the area, just take a walk or a drive to explore the surroundings and clear your head.  What is it with people acting as if there's something wrong with wanting to spend more than a few minutes alone?  Could it be they envy your independence? Wish they could break away from the herd as well?  Think about it.

If you have no relatives nearby, find some friends and start your own traditions. Traditions are important, but creating new traditions can be equally important.  Families no longer look the same as they did in the past--we've got single moms and dads, same sex moms and dads, bi-racial couples and children, adopted children, foster children, blended families, events where all parties and their current significant other show up, presumably for the sake of the kids—so why should family events always be the same?  Consider incorporating something new into the mix.  Maybe you can all go to church together, or to a restaurant for dinner, or to a movie or bowling after your meal.  Mix up the traditional menu but try adding something new.  Maybe even ditch the whole thing and have a theme party.

Or maybe you can agree to go to the big family shindig only every other year, or only participate on alternate holidays.  Spend one any way you want to, (whether it be by staying home or planning a ski chalet weekend) and the next by attending a family gathering.  Or schedule the family event at a different time than the true holiday.  Think of all the stress you'll avoid, not scrambling out there with all the other holiday travelers. 

But don't go at all if you know the event will only bring more pain and destruction to yourself and the family.  Family gathering time is not the time to resolve family issues, conflicts, or make major family decisions.  The discussion about your cousin's financial woes or addiction or whether or how to move someone into assisted living is NOT one you want to have at a holiday gathering.  Ditto details about selling, renting, or discarding family property.  True, it may be the only time you are all together, but the holiday celebration itself is NOT the forum for such undertakings.  Those require a separate family meeting.

Just as the holidays are stressful for all of us, most of these suggestions could apply to anyone.  To specifically address your PMDD, I'd have to return to the line of "coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring."  If you are feeling none of these things on the date of the event, then you are not wrong in wanting to cancel, and if you do, please do not feel guilty or accept any blame for doing so.  Would you stay home if you had the flu?  Negative moods are just as contagious and can ruin a party just as easily.

Feeling guilt and accepting blame only escalate your PMDD symptoms.  By staying away from the event, you are protecting both the event and taking care of yourself.  Nothing in this world is more important than seeing to your own health and well-being.  Especially when it comes to your mental health.

Because if you don't care enough about yourself to take care of you, believe me, nobody else will either.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. Both are available in ebook from Amazon and Smashwords (Kobo, ibooks, Nook, and Overdrive), and in print from Amazon, and the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders, or IAPMD.  For more information, please check out Liana's Facebook Page, Living with PMDD.

Relationships - Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

So last week I said Relationships Begin With You, and that is true. The most important thing of all for a PMDD woman is to have a good relationship with yourself. Obviously I have a good relationship with myself, or I wouldn’t be here, boldly putting myself out there for all the world to read about. I like myself, I enjoy my own company. I’ve learned how to listen to myself, in good times and bad.
One of the best things I’ve learned along the way was that “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s what I think of me that matters, and as long as I am happy with me, as long as I like and respect myself, that’s what counts.
Surprisingly, adopting this belief didn’t turn me into some self-centered egomaniac. I think that was always my greatest fear…if I put myself first, won't I turn into some kind of monster who doesn’t care about anyone else? Then everybody will really hate me. (Because we all know that PMDD women regularly think everybody hates us.)
I think that’s why I put it off for so long. As women, we’re raised and socialized to put everybody else first. Love means doing for others. It’s how we get love, how we show love, how we determine our worth in the world.
Or at least that’s what we’re raised to believe. But the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. Here is a link to an excellent blog post on the subject, one that includes eight specific quotes from the Bible that say to love your neighbor as yourself. I am a woman of faith, but my purpose here is not to preach, so I’ll leave that to others....
But to me, to love my neighbor as myself means to love others as much as I love myself.
Not more, not less.
So to do that, I have to love myself first.
Loving yourself is hard when you’re a PMDD woman. You do and say things you regret all the time. We’re conditioned to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. I’m not sure why this is, because it makes for a lot of miserable people in the world, but the bottom line truth is everybody makes mistakes, not just women with PMDD.
Think about all that energy wasted in beating ourselves up. Think about all the good and positive things we could be doing with our time and energy instead. Think about how much happier your life would be if you simply acknowledged your mistakes, did what you could to make amends, accepted that you'd done your best with the information you had at the time, and then got on with your life.
Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine how different your life would be?
So the first step to loving yourself, is to accept yourself as you are, right here and now. Are you in the middle of a bad episode, or are you doing well today? Is your day just so-so? That’s fine, too. Start right where you are. If you’re having a bad day, what can you do right now to make your day a little better? Take a nap? Call a friend? Eat some chocolate? Read a book? Watch a movie? Make a cup of tea and just sit there feeling miserable for a while? Then go ahead and DO it.
Nobody says you have to be happy all the time. There is nobody on this planet who is happy all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little down time, a little pampering, to help you get back on your feet again.
I have a real dislike for taking drugs. Any kind of drug. I’m all about natural health and healing. I’m especially against the unnecessary use of pain pills and anti-depressants. But a friend once explained it to me this way: When you’re in constant pain, when your body has gone haywire and is sending an uninterrupted stream of “I hurt” and “I feel miserable” signals to your brain, then what is the harm in taking an occasional pill to chemically interrupt that endless loop of biochemical messages running through your body? What's wrong with giving your body a little period of pain-free space to figuratively take a deep breath and have a chance to recover itself from that endless stream of pain messages circulating through your system?
Along those same lines, if your pain is mental, as well as physical, then what is the harm in briefly taking an anti-depressant to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts running through your brain? Just long enough to get you back on your feet again.
In the case of a PMDD woman, certain anti-depressants have been clinically proven to provide relief within hours in 60% of the women who take them during an episode of PMDD. But you only need to take them while you’re having an episode. (That’s the part the drug companies don’t tell you.) For some reason, even though anti-depressants usually take several weeks to kick in for the truly depressed, these same anti-depressants can act quickly in the case of a woman simply having an episode of PMDD (although there’s nothing simple about an episode of PMDD).
So, in the case of chronic physical pain, taking a pain pill can give you small break in your constant misery. Just enough time for you to catch your breath and remember what it feels like to feel good again, and marshal your resources for the next wave of pain.
In the case of mental pain, if you’re one of the 60%, a SSRI anti-depressant can give you a quick break from that endless loop of negative thoughts in your head.
In the case of emotional pain, talking to someone, or pampering yourself in some way—listening to music, stroking a pet, reading a book, taking a walk, making a cup of tea—can give you that same little space between the endless loop of emotional pain you are feeling.
Spiritual pain—read a book, watch a program, listen to a tape, or go to a place of worship and spend some time in silent contemplation. Just you and your maker. Quiet time with the spirit that lives inside you.
That’s what’s known as being good to yourself. Whichever of these areas is calling out to you the loudest, start there. Baby steps. Take time out to get a handle on your pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. If you don’t do it, nobody’s going to do it for you.
Because you’re the only person who knows what is going on inside you. You’re the only person who knows just how hard it is to be you.
Especially on the days when you are not feeling like you.
So loving yourself comes from taking care of yourself. From listening to yourself and attending to your own needs. The more you do this, surprisingly enough, the less selfish you will become, because along the way, you manage to develop empathy, and realize you’re not as alone in your pain as you thought you were.
That’s when friends come in, and that’s what I’ll talk about next week. Finding supportive friends, being it on line or in your own neighborhood.
Until then, be blessed, and find just one way each day to be good to yourself. You’d do it for a friend or loved one. Why not for yourself?
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.