Great News! PMDD Tied to Sex-Hormone Reactive Genes

Today's guest post welcomes author Eryn Speers' unvarnished reaction to the news that National Institutes of Health (NIH) researchers have discovered molecular mechanisms that may underlie a woman’s susceptibility to disabling irritability, sadness, and anxiety in the days leading up to her menstrual period.  I couldn't have said it better myself, which is why I asked permission to reprint Eryn's original Facebook post here.  

The bottom line is this NIH discovery is good news for us all.  Please be sure to watch the five minute video (link provided) at the end.

I have been through the gambit, had my moments of doubt, and a few good months where I thought I was "free" of PMDD. Chalking it up to stress, or difficult times, only to have it return with a vengeance. In my frustration I began my research again, shaking my head every time I ended up down the same road: eat clean, eliminate sugar and caffeine, get your hormone levels checked, get acupuncture, see a naturopath, try anti-depressants and Cognitive Behavior Theory. The list goes on and on, as we know. What I, myself, have come to realize, is that all this conflicting information just makes it all worse. That's why I am taking this new research as a cue to stop blaming myself, and to stop listening to all the noise and babble about what the "correct" treatment of PMDD is. While it's a good idea for anyone to reduce sugar intake, exercise regularly, and investigate possible food sensitivities - these things will make anyone feel better in general, but to continue to go in circles just adds stress to what is already a stressful situation.

I hope this new research helps others to do the same. Yes, it means we still suffer until they find a way to use the info to come up with a therapy that targets the actual cause of the problem, as opposed to the symptoms. However, at least those of us who are desperate and tired of trying everything to no avail, can try to find some hope in knowing that they are really working on it.

This is a disorder on a cellular level, and I am ready to accept whatever treatments they come up with in order to get my life back. My hope is that those of you who are very anti-pharma will try to trust, for a while, and give yourself a break from feeling that the only one who can correct the problem is you.

This puts so much undo pressure on us, and also nurtures an environment of pessimism and fear. We deserve to feel better! This problem is not caused by us. This is not a matter of poor diet or lifestyle choices, or a hormonal imbalance. All we can do right now is cope as best we can, and we're all doing that.

We're here to support one another, and I feel that we should all encourage one another to stay open to the possibilities as the research advances. Please, I implore you to keep trying new therapies until you are finally free of this awful disease. If you want to take anti-depressants in the meantime because they help, great! If you want to take birth control, or stay 100% natural in your efforts to get through and lessen the severity of your symptoms - also great!

However, please don't let the way this disease makes you feel hopeless and useless allow others to tell you exactly how to approach your own health. Don't let the fear and skepticism of others stop you from trying a drug that has been specifically developed to treat this issue in the future. They ARE working on it.

Please watch the video, and find hope.

Have faith! ~ES

Welcome to the NAPMDD Conference, Where The Real You Is Welcome

Two weeks ago today in Colorado, the first ever National Organization for PMDD (NAPMDD) Conference and Expo ended amid hugs, kisses, smiles, laughter, and tears...many, many tears.  Tears of hope, tears of joy, tears of relief, renewal, exhaustion, and—for the first time in what I would venture to say almost every attendees' life—tears of pure recognition and acceptance. 

For Acceptance—in addition to Hope—was the overall theme, message, and atmosphere of our time together in Denver.

While leading up to the conference many jokes were made in the PMDD community about what could happen in a room full of angry women with PMDD, the opposite was our reality.  There was no need to be angry because we had all "been there."  
Empathy was the reigning emotion of the weekend, because we understood each other—all too well.  Not just our emotions, but the process and pitfalls, jargon and results of the disorder.  I'm in Day 5.  Day 15 here.  I've been on six different drugs in ten years.  I'm on progesterone therapy.  I'm getting a divorce.  I'm thinking of getting a hysterectomy.  I hate my family.  I'm taking (name your medication).  I've been diagnosed as bipolar.  I think about suicide every month.  My doctor told me to "Just go shopping."

And where else could you go and tell a group of strangers about the color and condition of your cervix?  Better yet, splash pictures of it onscreen, then ask if anybody has questions?

I loved the openness of the conference.  Information was shared with total professionalism and respect, but also with a dash of humor when warranted.  The program provided by the speakers was invaluable.  The sessions sparked conversations about subjects such as nutrition, detoxification, inflammation, self-care, self-love, wellness, and healing.  Learning to live your cycle rather than fight it; learning to work with it rather than against it.       

So many options; so many choices.  But all with the same goal of wellness.  For that alone the conference was huge success.  (I'm just writing about it now, because I took a two week vacation to travel out West afterward.)  Kudos all around go out to Amanda and Melanie and Elizabeth and their well-organized team of volunteers. 

But what struck me most about the event—in addition to the great food, hotel, conversation, and stellar line up of speakers—was how much love and acceptance everyone shared. 

Yes, people cried throughout the weekend, in the audience, in corners, in hallways, on couches, and at the podium—but that was okay.  For the first time in history, women with PMDD (and their partners) were allowed the safe space to "be ourselves" in public.  Nobody had to go back to their room and suffer alone.  Nobody had to hide in the bathroom to cry.  Nobody had to excuse themselves because they made other people uncomfortable with their messy emotions.  Our tears and fears were welcome.  Our conversations were real.  Our hopes, dreams, sadness, and anxieties were out there for everyone to see.

And it was wonderful.  Freeing.  Empowering.

I'm sure the energy of welcoming acceptance that flowed throughout the conference will help to sustain attendees for many months to come.

And that is what NAPMDD is all about.

Support.  Encouragement. Acceptance. 

Hope.

In sum, all I can say is while the educational information received at the conference was by far the bargain of the year, the warmth, friendship, and empathy I experienced at the NAPMDD conference was...

Priceless.

*For those who were unable to attend the conference, please check the NAPMDD site for links to free videos of the speaker sessions. 

The Four Seasons of PMDD

I know I mentioned this in my last post as a real treat to find, but I want to spend a little more time on WHY I think the 34-page free PDF called Let's go menstrual! by Miranda Gray is so amazing.  For one, it treats our menstrual cycles as something to be welcomed and honored and worked with, not cursed and concealed and ashamed of. Something that can be used as a positive force in our lives. 

We all know that with PMDD we feel differently on different days.  This booklet shows you in simple, easy to understand terms, how to make the most of your good days, and even how to make the most of your bad days. 

So I encourage you to use this booklet to raise your awareness of the different *seasons* of your monthly cycle, and to tailor your expectations to match what is naturally going on in your body during any one of these four seasons.  In the end you will learn how to better meet your own mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, and doing this will help you to feel good about yourself.   In particular, the author says (and I heartily agree), you will feel more:

Comfortable with (and in) your own body

In control because you know WHY you are feeling the way you do

Confident in your abilities (as long as they are tailored to your moods or seasons)

Empowered to created positive feelings about yourself

Now what PMDD woman couldn't use a little more comfort, control, confidence, and empowerment?  Tell me what woman anywhere couldn't use a few more positive feelings about herself? 

PMDD women in particular need to read the section about the Autumn/Fall of our cycles, the problem-finding (and solving!) portion of our cycle, where the booklet tells us we can feel the need to "clear out our (mental, physical, emotional and spiritual) rubbish, to curl up alone, and to sleep more."

Ms. Gray then tells us the Winter Phase is a time when we tend to reflect on the year (or cycle) just over, daydream about the future, what we want to do in the year ahead, and commit to our new resolutions.  It's a time of rest, relaxation, and meditation, among other things.  I personally use it to curl up in my big cozy chair and catch up on my reading.  

Do not miss the list of suggestions for your Winter Phase, which coincides with the time of your bleeding.

Of course, the Spring and Summer Phases have equally invaluable lists of characteristics and suggestions for maximizing your well-being.  The suggestion I liked best for the Spring Phase, (when we are full of confidence and are our normal, non-PMDD selves) is to "Use your self-confidence to do something different from your usual routine."

That's right, the time to take on something new and unfamiliar is your Spring phase.  But the KEY to success is to only work on that project in your Spring Phase.  Set it aside when Fall and Winter come.  Do not let the innate negative energy and thoughts that those seasons bring to you undo all the positivity you have created in your Spring and Summer seasons.  Both Spring and Summer will come around again (that's the beauty of cycles), and there is no harm in working toward your strengths.

Use your Spring and Summer seasons to discover just what those strengths are.  The booklet even tells us what to watch out for in these highly positive and productive seasons, such as doing too many things at once, or doing too much for others, and ignoring our own needs.

Ms. Gray also tells us that Summer is the best time in our cycles to be sociable and work on relationships.  But also to be wary of wishing we could be this light and cheerful and confident forever.

Then, in the Fall and Winter seasons, we are to (among many other things) focus on NOT BELIEVING the negativity in our minds, and not to try to maintain a Spring or Summer schedule when our body is crying out for some rest and relaxation. 

We need this rest and relaxation to prepare us for the renewal that comes with Spring. 

So, to recap: 

Cycle Days 1-6 are your Winter Phase (rest, relaxation, take care of yourself)

Cycle Days 7-13 constitute Spring (a time of renewal, rebirth, and creative energy)

Cycle Days 14-20 should be your social and sharing Summer phase;  (but is often where the problems begin in PMDD women instead); and

Cycle Days 21-Day 1 (first day of bleeding) is your Autumn/Fall phase (when PMDD strikes the hardest)

For more information, please visit www.optimizedwoman.com.  There is a newsletter you can sign up for, and all sorts of good articles there, on how to increase your awareness of your body and its cycles. 

Taking Time Out to Catch Up on My PMDD Research

It’s Wednesday, and time to put up another post. Things have been hit or miss the past few months, due to having so much non-PMDD stuff going on in my life, and not having enough time to write any well-researched posts. I’m grateful to Cat Stone for allowing me to share her awesome artwork and PMDD Crisis Guide, which has allowed me to keep something new and fresh on the blog at least every other week. She’s been a lifesaver in that regard.

Yesterday, when I was thinking about what to write for today’s post, I realized I once again didn’t want to throw something out there just to have something to post. This is a blog devoted to helping people with PMDD and those who love them to better understand this often debilitating disorder. It’s not about me and my ups and downs, it’s about using what I’ve learned to help others to find peace and some sense of normality. So there’s no need for me to share whatever vague thoughts are rumbling around in my mind just to fill up an empty space.

That said, I haven’t been completely idle regarding the blog. To follow up on my last post, I’ve been busy doing more research into the connection between PMDD and the cycle of menstruation—have uncovered some fascinating stuff--and once I have my thoughts and facts in order, I’ll post them here. On a more personal front, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist in my ongoing efforts to manage my PMDD. That is not going well, and when I write up the account of my experience, I’m sure a lot of you will nod your heads in understanding, as I’m sure many, if not most of you have experienced the same frustrations. But again, I need to wait until my research is complete to write about it.

So for this week, I invite you to browse through past posts—a good place to start would be the over on the sidebar, under Popular Posts. (I’ve moved it to the top of the page for now to make it easier to find.) You’ll notice three of the top ten are posts for men on how to deal with a partner who has PMDD. Lots of good information there, and well worth reading (or passing on to a caring partner) if your relationship is in any kind of trouble.

Another good post is More Things That Make Your PMDD worse. A Perfect Storm of PMDD describes in detail what it’s like to have an episode of PMDD. And if you haven’t read it already, my favorite post is They Only See Our Failures.

Until next time…please continue to read, learn, rest, relax…and Be Well.

PMDD Crisis Guide - The Mental Realm of PMDD

This week we continue with Cat Stone's PMDD Crisis Guide...welcome back, Cat!

You can find the Introduction to Cat's Crisis Guide here.. and her post on the Physical Realm here.

The Mental Realm

This realm is where you will find your thoughts, and inevitably, the things you say. Over time this realm is programmed with reactions and responses to things that you are told, or things that happen around you. This realm for a PMDD sufferer is usually very chaotic.

During the hormonal changes in a woman's cycle, her body will undergo changes and present physical problems. These are a little easier to deal with than the changes that go on in the mind during this time.

This is probably best represented by the term, 'mood swings' although that would suggest the problem is just an emotional one. It isn't. The chemical changes in the body actually create false moods, which often bring about 'false thinking'.

A PMDD sufferer will experience random thoughts, seemingly crazy thoughts during their 'bad' time of the month. Thinking outwardly becomes impossible. Seeing the bigger picture seems impossible. All thoughts become inward and bad memories surface. Reactions to what people say, can trigger a negative spiral of thinking that can be overwhelming.

For me, it's like a constant battle in my head. I KNOW how I would normally react, what I would normally think, but during that time, things are not normal. I begin thinking I'm the worst person in the world, that my kids would be better off without me. I think about my past and all the painful things that have happened. I think people should leave me alone, not bother with me.. I lose all my self esteem and belief. All the things that normally get me through no longer work... The clothes I wore last week don't look right, even though it's the exact same outfit. I look in the mirror and see something completely different. This change in perception is quite common in all women who suffer from PMS, but when it means you don't leave the house because you have tried on 10 outfits, are full of tears, anxious, stressed out and frustrated, you know you are suffering from something worse.

My thoughts spiral out of control during my PMDD time, but I am learning to control them. Realising that your thoughts are not really your truth, takes time to happen. I often say... 'In my good head, I know this is true... but right now, I think that blah negative blah' I can recognise what I would think if I were in a good week, and what I am actually thinking. Dealing with the emotions that these bad thoughts bring up is harder than trying to control the thoughts, but keeping your thoughts in check goes a long way to steering a breakdown off course.
After talking to many women who have PMDD, it is obvious that they all feel like 'Jekyll and Hyde'. In fact, you will find that term used quite often when describing PMDD.

A woman with PMDD will find herself thinking about abandoning her kids, and how she'd do it, and how she'd get away. Or leaving family, friends or job. She may think the answer is suicide and spend many hours debating suicide, going through plans or writing her note to leave behind. She may think about drinking till she sleeps, or hurting herself. Her thoughts will turn to guilt, and she'll sit and think about all the damage she has done to her family or friendships, how lonely she is, how no one will ever understand. I know this to be true because I have done all these things, on repeat... for years. These thoughts are what drive people to harm themselves, along with the negative emotions, and it's why it is important to try and get these thoughts under control.

What also changes at this time of the month is the way you speak. This is governed by your feelings, and the things that are going on in your head. A chilled-out, mild-mannered woman will turn into a screaming, shouting, crazy, scary beast. You think I'm joking? This is one area the most damage can be done to your family and friends. The things you say. I would bet that every woman with PMDD has had an episode, and when the storm has died down, has had to think about what she has said to the people she loves. Nasty, spiteful, bitchy, outrageous things. Stuff you would never let leave your mouth. Goddess forbid you argue or fight with a PMDD woman having a bad episode.... Sanity has left the room. Like a caged animal, you want to fight. You are feeling so tired, so low, frustrated, wired, scared, you want to die, you don't care what happens. In your head, your mind is telling you you are terrible, shameful, worthless, then it tells you you will never get away from this nightmare, you will have to do this till the day you die. You worry about every aspect of your life. Will my partner stay with me? What if I hurt my kids? How can I keep doing this? I'm tired... oh so tired... I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.... What will happen if I just walk out the front door now. Mind is on OVERDRIVE.

There is a great lyric, by one of my favourite 'bands'.

How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood, And then just be.. in.. a good mood?
Dan le Sac vs Scroobious Pip - Waiting for the beat to kick in.

Ha.. yes, it's a man talking, and he has never experienced PMDD, but sometimes, you do HAVE to just decide to have a better day! FOCUS on having a better day. Focus on other things other than the thoughts.

Writing or creative outlets can help focus the mind on other things. Baking a cake, going for a walk, going to the library. Having a job can be a great focus... Distraction, distraction, distraction.
If you cant work, volunteer.. or use your time more wisely. It is too easy to let yourself dwell on the past, and mistake hormonal thoughts for the truth. It's easy to let yourself spiral. It's much harder to find the strength to change your thoughts. (Italics added by Liana.)

Some days, it is too hard to get out of the spiral. Some days, you just CAN'T. So what do you do?
Allow the thoughts to come, acknowledge them, then let them go. It's holding on almost compulsively to negative thoughts that feeds the downward spiral. You can even start talking to yourself (assuming you don't already!) and by that I mean...

'Oh hello, negative thought... what was that? I am crap mother?'

'Yes.. you are the worst mother ever, look at you, you hardly take the kids out anywhere, and most the time you are so caught up in your selfish head, You are so selfish. You slept the whole day away and someone else looked after your kids... '

Now this can go two ways.... You can either agree, or totally kick its ass.

'So, you think I'm a bad Mum? Who else cooks for the kids and washes their clothes? Who else finds things to do on a shoe-string? Who else creates a tea party in the garden, with 5 mins notice?

I have seen my kids through everything, to the best of my ability... I love them, I put 100% in when I can, and when I can't, I may sleep, or be a bit distant, but isn't that better than screaming and shouting at them. I am not a bad Mum, and will not accept that. Next?

'You dont have a life.. you sit on your fat arse all day, and never go out. What career have you got? People think you are a sponger, you drain everyone. Your friends never ask you out, cos you never go. You might as well be dead.'

(Are you going to take that?)

'Of course I have a life! I'm here, aren't I? I have this and that, and am planning on doing lots of things in the future. Just because things have been difficult, doesn't mean I will always be like this. I do have friends! And the ones that don't bother with me, aren't worth worrying about. I'm happier with a few close friends, doesn't mean I'm not liked. I give what I can to others, when I can, so, NO, I don't accept that, today I'm feeling vulnerable and a bit depressed, but thats today. Not tomorrow.. or forever...'

Don't commit the future by how you are thinking or feeling on a bad day. (Again, Liana chiming in!)

If you can learn to remain calm, and blow up every negative with a missile of positive you will soon feel stronger and more in control.

We often feel we need outside help, but there is much that can be done by you, by just changing your thoughts.

If you feel you would like more professional help with your thoughts, I would recommend looking into CBT – Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, which helps you to define your thinking patterns so you can begin to change them, and NLP – Neuro Linguistic Programming, which helps you learn about your own ways of communicating and has an excellent way of re-shaping the way you perceive yourself, others and your thoughts and words..

We only use about 20% of our brains, and unfortunately, with PMDD sufferers, we have created such strong neural pathways, that we really do end up in one cycle of thinking. The connections our brain first started making years ago, that created the chemical imbalance, have become stronger and stronger. The more you sit back and allow it to happen, the more the brain feeds off the same thinking patterns. By attempting to break the cycle of negative thinking, you can start re-training your thoughts to support you, be your friend, rather than be your enemy.

Be careful of your thoughts, for your thought become your words.
Be careful of your words, for your words become your actions.
Be careful of your actions, for your actions become your habits.
Be careful of your habits, for your habits become your character.
Be careful of your character, for your character becomes your destiny.
~Author unknown

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction." ~Albert Einstein

Relationships and PMDD -- Doing Your Part

Last week I posted 20 tips for partners who live with women who have PMDD. While it would be ideal if your partner did all of these things, that’s still only 50% of the equation. You’ve got to bring something to the party as well. As any relationship book will tell you, it takes two to make a relationship—any relationship—work.

So if you’re thinking, “If I just love him enough,” or “If I just (do anything) enough,” it’s not going to work—not without you running yourself into the ground. Relationships are full of give and take, and only work well when each partner gives as much as he or she takes.

Even if you’ve got the best partner in the world, there are still things you can do to make your PMDD episodes run more smoothly. And if your partner is not supportive—then do it for you…because you’re worth it.

1. Chart your symptoms daily. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, one of those pocket calendars will do. Just write a few words each day: anxious, crabby, sad, sleepy, achy, bloated, cravings, weepy, snapped at __________. Use this to get in touch with your feelings and your body. Eventually you’ll discover patterns of symptoms.

2. Consult your chart/PMDD calendar when considering social events, activities, creative or household projects, vacations and such. Making major decisions comes under this heading, too. Don’t set yourself up for failure by taking on something big when you know you won’t be feeling up to it. Don’t just try to slog through your life the best that you can…be pro-active!

3. Learn to recognize when you are symptomatic, and consciously postpone thinking about anything that needs serious thought until you are feeling better. If you don’t, your decisions will be colored by your PMDD, and you may well end up asking yourself, “What the hell was I thinking when I decided to do this?”

4. Understand that if it is not treated, your PMDD will only get worse. It could end up a major depressive disorder and who wants that when you know it can be avoided?

5. Find a doctor who will listen to you. If the doctor won’t listen, change doctors. It’s your life at stake here. No one has as much to gain from finding the right treatment for you as you do. So take an active part in your own health and well being. Don’t just do what the doctor says because “the doctor knows best.” The doctor knows what the doctor knows, and if the doctor doesn’t know anything about PMDD, you need to find one who does.

6. Try whatever you need to try to feel better. If you don’t feel better, then stop whatever makes you feel worse, and try something else. This goes for both medical and natural treatments. If medication works for you, go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. Your doctor is not you. Your doctor can’t feel what you feel or experience what you experience. Only you can know what works for you and what doesn’t.

7. Do not let anyone make you feel inadequate because something that works for others is not working for you. There is nothing wrong with you if this treatment or that treatment doesn’t work. All it means is you haven’t found the right solution for you yet. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder.

8. Move your body. Fit exercise in whatever you can, whenever you can. Isn’t a healthy you worth it? Find a few kinds of exercise you enjoy and mix it up so it doesn’t get boring fast. A class here, a walk there, maybe Tai Chi today and Zumba tomorrow. Just put on some music and dance around the house with the kids or by yourself for a song or two. See if that doesn’t put some energy in your step. Park your car a few spaces away from the door instead of in the closest spot. 30 minutes of some sort of aerobic activity a day is best, even if it’s just cleaning the bathroom or carting laundry up and down the stairs, but if you have to start with 5 or 10 minute increments, then start there. Anything is better than nothing.

9. It is essential that you get enough rest. Sleep is when your body re-regulates itself and if you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t have the time it needs to complete its repair job from whatever abuses you subjected it to during the day. (aka substance abuse, smoking, stress, overexertion, poor diet). The more sleep you lose, the harder it is for your body to catch up, and you fall further and further behind each day. This explains why you are so exhausted.

10. Eat healthy. Whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible. Avoid alcohol, caffeine, sugar, sugar substitutes, anything made with high fructose corn syrup (yes, you might have to start reading labels), white rice and white flour, for starters. Start being aware of what you eat, and as you pour that cup of coffee, know you are contributing to your PMDD, and know that you are choosing to do so. Ask yourself, is this candy bar, energy drink, glass of wine, piece of cake worth feeling miserable two weeks from now?

11. Get yourself some high quality dark chocolate for when the cravings come. Not that mass-produced stuff that comes in a bag. No matter how good it tastes, it’s not going to help you like true chocolates from a chocolate store will. There are plenty online to choose from if your town doesn’t have a chocolate store. A bonus is you’ll need less of the high quality stuff to feel better, so you might even lose some weight.

12. If you snap out at someone, stop, apologize, and explain to them that it’s not them, it’s your PMDD. Don’t let hurt feelings fester, on either side of the relationship. If they’re not open to an explanation of PMDD, just say, “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day,” and leave it at that. Everybody has bad days now and then.

13. If somebody is trying to bait you, walk away. Don’t let their bad mood spark yours. Tell them you’ll be back or continue this conversation when you’re both in a better mood.

14. Ask for help when you need it. If you don’t have anyone in your life who is willing or capable of doing this, find new friends who will be supportive and encouraging. Even if they’re just online. PMDD forums and discussion groups abound. You don’t need to go through any of this alone.

15. Do not let your negative thoughts and feelings get the better of you. Every day, all day long, our minds run rampant with thoughts. Good ones, bad ones, even strange ones. One way to get a handle on this is to learn how to still your mind. But that takes dedicated time and effort. If you’re not at a place in your life where you can take the time out to meditate or practice some form of deep breathing exercise that stills the mind, at the very least, when the negative thoughts come, push them right back out of your mind and refuse to dwell on them. Say to yourself, “That’s my PMDD talking, not me,” and consciously change the subject.

Remember (as long as PMDD is your only problem), you are in control of your mind…your mind is not in control of you (even though it very much feels like it). You need to refuse to give those negative thoughts any air time, because if you don’t, they will loop endlessly through your mind, creating deeper and deeper ruts, until negative thoughts are all you know and you end up with major depressive disorder. This is how PMDD women become suicidal.

Some wonderful ideas on how to mentally shift gears are in this article from Women to Women. The article is about perimenopause, but unless you die first or have your ovaries surgically removed, thus throwing you into instant menopause, you’re headed for perimenopause anyway. Why not learn how to deal with it in advance?

Be blessed, and keep me posted on your progress!

Relationships and PMDD - Finding the Right Partner

Okay, today’s post begins the one I had in mind when I started this series on relationships. But once I started thinking about it, I realized that for any of us to have a successful relationship, we have to start with ourselves. We have to know ourselves, like ourselves, and be friends with ourselves before we can successfully have any sort of relationship with anyone else, be it friendship, a family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other.
People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you don’t know yourself, don’t understand yourself, how can you explain your PMDD to anyone else? If you don’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration, how can you expect anyone else to?
So I started with Relationships Begin With You, then emphasized the importance of getting to know yourself as well as you would a friend, and then offered some ideas on how to be a friend to yourself, or how to treat yourself the way you would a friend. Because, face it, most of us treat friends better than we do ourselves. We’re there for friends, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves…for any number of reasons, we drop the ball. Those issues go way beyond the subject of PMDD, so this is not the place to explore them.
I then tackled the topic of family—offered tips on how to get along with your family, especially during family gatherings--and if for reasons beyond your control, you just can’t get along with some family members—I wrote about how to “just say no” to family gatherings for your own peace of mind and well being. This is not opting out. This counts as being good to yourself, and treating yourself like a friend. If a friend came to you and said, “I just can’t deal with my family, family drama stresses me out, or I love them but they just plain make me feel crazy,” what would you tell that friend?
Then tell yourself the same thing. Do what you can to get along, and learn to let go of the rest. Take a break from the family if you need to, if you need some time to get your head together. The only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. If others behave badly, that’s not on you. But if you’re the one behaving badly, then you need to take a look at that, take some time out, and do your best to figure out what you could be doing differently. Be the change you want to see in your world. Start with taking care of yourself.
Many of us are already in relationships, and have children. Children who depend on us to be there for them, no matter what kind of day we are having. Taking care of ourselves helps us to be better able to take care of them. When we’re calm, relaxed, and happy, we’re much better able to weather the storms life brings into our days, and provide that emotional stability our children need to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
They can’t do that if we’re in a bad relationship, whatever the reason. So if you’re not willing to put forth the effort to find or create a healthy, stable, and supportive relationship for yourself, then do it for them—the kids who are counting on you to show them how to navigate life’s many challenges. If you don’t show them…who will?
To have a good relationship, you need a supportive partner. Period. If your partner isn’t supportive of your needs as a woman with PMDD, you might as well be a salmon swimming upstream. But for your partner to be supportive of those needs, you have to know what those needs are, yourself. When you’re having an episode, do you need calm and quiet, or do you need to be held? Do you need to be left alone, or do you want someone who can gently and lovingly help to ease you out of your negative mood? Will flowers and candy help? Do you just want to watch TV or read a book, or do you want to talk?
The answers are as varied as can be. But the key to any good relationship is communication. Maybe one month you’ll want to go out to dinner. Maybe another you’ll want to take a long bath. Maybe you’ll want to make some popcorn and watch a comedy. Maybe you’ll want to go for a walk. Maybe you just want to feel appreciated.
Whatever you want, you need to be able to communicate that to your partner. And if your partner won’t cooperate…is he or she the right partner for you? I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s not an excuse to behave badly. It’s not an excuse to take your anger, irritation, or sadness out on others. It’s not an excuse to withdraw and/or abandon your responsibilities.
But it is an explanation for why you feel tempted to do these things when having an episode of PMDD.
The first thing you need to do is chart your symptoms, to discover what your pattern is. I detailed mine in my post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD. Once you know what your pattern is, you need to let your partner know when your bad days are coming, and ask for some extra consideration on those days. If you have a really good relationship with your partner, he or she might be able to see the storm coming before it arrives. I know there have been many times in my life that I was completely unaware that I was starting to act out of character, until my best friend, a man, pointed it out. Then I had to decide if he was right or not, because nobody knows my mental, emotional, or physical state as well as I do.
Sometimes he’s right, and sometimes he’s wrong. When he’s right, we go into PMDD mode. When he’s wrong, I do my best to figure out what’s really bothering me, and if he’s involved, we talk about it. If he’s not, I might ask him to help me figure out ways to deal with the person or situation that is causing my anger and or tears.
Beware of partners who tell you that you must be having an episode just because you’re upset with them for one reason or another. There come times in everyone’s lives when we are genuine angry or upset with someone about something. And that’s okay. Anger and emotional upset are normal and natural signals that something is not going right in our lives. They’re like warning lights, letting us know that here is something going on that needs to be addressed. The key is to know the difference—are you genuinely angry, or has your PMDD kicked in?
If your PMDD has kicked in, revert to the list of phrases I mentioned in my last post. What works with children and family members works just as well with partners. Or make up your own list. Agree on these code phrases beforehand, when you are feeling well. Then, when the bad days come, you’ll have them ready to diffuse tense situations that arise.
A good relationship of any kind is based on mutual admiration and respect. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your need for space or extra attention when the bad days come. If you’re not, you will likely find yourself with a partner who ignores you, demeans you, eggs you on, refuses to believe you, and/or abandons you when you most need love and support. Partners like this only add to the problem, because they create stress. Stress exacerbates PMDD and PMDD causes stress.
So the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a partner who will not add to your stress when you are already stressed. If your partner simply won’t listen, then there’s more going on in your relationship than just your PMDD. Don’t let anyone blame you or your PMDD solely for the failures in a relationship, be they friends, family, or your significant other. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you’re trying, and the other party isn’t—it’s not just about your PMDD. They’re using your PMDD as an excuse to avoid looking at whatever else may be going wrong in the relationship.
I don’t know any gentler way to say it. If somebody loves you, truly loves you, they will work with you to find a way to make your life easier and your episodes more bearable. They will be open to information and resources on the subject, and will want to help you get better. They will not walk away, and they will not cast 100% of the blame on you. They may not be happy with you at times, but they will be there for you.
If they are not…then you need to start at the beginning again…and learn how to be there for yourself.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.  More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

Choosing Your Friends Wisely - Whether You Have PMDD Or Not

Okay, so we’ve learned that Relationships Begin With You, and that you need to be a friend to yourself before you can be a friend to anyone else, and that being a friend to yourself starts with slowing down and listening to yourself, mind, body, heart, and soul.

For instance, I’m late with this post because yesterday I was listening to my body and being good to myself. I woke up with a tremendous pain in my neck, one that had kept me up for most of the night, so I called my chiropractor first thing, made my first appointment in months, and then actually listened to him when he told me to go home and take it easy, instead of throwing myself headlong back into my life. I came home and took a three-hour nap, then spent the evening reading a book. This morning, I made sure I attended my Qigong (slow movement and stretching) class, knowing that would help to keep my positive healing energy going.

Was there a lot I didn’t get done? Yes. But do I feel 100% better? Yes. Much better than slogging through the day, trying to cross half a dozen more things off my to-do list before the holidays. Things that will still be there to do after the holidays. Right now, I need to take care of me, or I will be miserable over the holidays and no fun to be around at all.

So…that’s the difference that comes from listening to my body and attending to—instead of ignoring--its needs. Since I started doing this unfailingly, I haven’t had a PMDD episode to speak of. I’ve had a dip or two in mood that was quickly boosted by eating some whole-grain carbs, but other than that, life has been on a pretty even keel for several months now.

So today I want to talk about relationships with friends. A lot of women with PMDD have at one time or another isolated ourselves, because we don’t feel friends or family will ‘understand’ when we are having an episode, so it’s easier just to go into isolation and deal with it alone.

Easier, but is it healthier? Wouldn’t it be nice to know you’re still loved and people still want to be around you, even when you feel the most unloveable?

You do this by choosing your friends wisely. You do this by choosing friends who are patient, kind, and understanding. You do this by moving away from people who are not. As a PMDD woman, you need to look out for yourself, because nobody is going to do it for you. If this means ending or scaling back a few friendships and/or relationships, then so be it.

You have to do what is right for you. Why would you want to remain in a friendship that isn’t healthy for you?

You decide who you want to have in your life, and who you don’t. You don’t have to cut former friends out completely. You can simply put some distance between you--see them less often, speak less often, or speak only when you run into each other during social events--just don’t do anything one on one anymore.

Instead, surround yourself with the kind of person you would like to be. To me, that’s kind, caring, giving, compassionate, and loving. I’ve moved away from anyone who doesn’t embody the kind of qualities I want to see more of in my life. I’ve moved away from those who are negative, demeaning, demanding, needy, and live lives full of drama they create themselves.

Some people need a lot of drama in their lives to be happy. I’m not one of them.

I’m not saying you can only be friends with people who are the same as you…or people without any problems (is there such a person??)...not at all. I have many different friends, with all sorts of different lifestyles, problems, interests and beliefs--but they all hold the same caring qualities in common. They have patience and understanding, tolerance and compassion, and accept when I tell them I’m having an episode and can’t really participate in whatever is going on.

They allow me to talk about my PMDD openly, and even though they don’t understand it, and can not imagine what I am going through, they accept that I am going through something that is extremely painful, upsetting, and draining for me.

They don’t try to talk me out of it, tell me to get over it, tell me I’m being a witch or boring or no fun, or tell me to “smile,” “relax,” or “just cheer up.”

They let me be quiet when I need to be quiet, and understand if I say things that don’t quite make sense.

On my part, I feel it’s up to me not to snap at or lash out at these friends, and so I take full responsibility for that. If I slip, I apologize immediately, and explain that I am having a PMDD day.

Remember, your PMDD is an explanation, but never an excuse.

In this way I have created a circle of friends who might not understand fully what PMDD is about, but respect and understand that I know what’s going on, and if I say I’m having a bad day, then they accept that I am having a bad day, and don’t expect or ask for more than I am willing to give.

Sometimes I don’t feel like going out or meeting anyone at all. Sometimes I will go to whatever it is, a meeting, a dinner, a lunch, or church, and just sit there and be quiet. Sometimes I will openly talk about what I am feeling inside, and how it completely goes against the reality of my life. (Or how my inner thoughts reflect the opposite of what is going on in my life, and how that doesn't make any sense at all.)

My life is pretty darn good. I have been abundantly blessed in ways tangible and intangible. I have a supportive family, caring and understanding friends, a warm and comfortable home, work that fulfills me, and a son who has been well-trained to deal with a woman’s hormonal moods--while at the same time accepting no disrespect from me or any other woman because of those moods.

I didn’t always have these things. I’ve been working at it for ten years, slowly pruning away what needed to go, and moving into the forefront of my life what needed to stay for me to live the kind of life I want to live—calm, creative, fulfilling, and productive.

I lost touch with some friends along the way. But as I began to better understand myself, I gained new, more accepting and understanding friends.

Studies show that if you hang around certain kinds of people, you will become more like them. If you surround/align yourself with hard workers, you’ll work harder; if you surround yourself with positive people, you’ll be more positive; if you hang around with those who take an active part in maintaining their health and well-being, you’ll be more active and healthier overall; if you keep company with goal-oriented people, you’ll attain a few goals, yourself.

In general, if you hang around successful people, you’ll be more successful.

The flip side of that works just as well: if you surround yourself with complainers, you’ll complain more; if you surround yourself with people who like to overindulge in food, drink, toxic environments or substances, whatever; you’ll do more of the same. If you hang with people who do things you know are detrimental to your health and well-being, you’ll do more than you may personally want to, just to fit in.

So choose the people you want to be with carefully. If you want to be well, then make friends with those who are also trying to be well. If you want to complain, then make friends with those who complain. Either way, you will have friends…

But which friends are more likely to help you make progress toward successfully managing your PMDD?

Think about it, and then adjust your life accordingly. Listen to your body, notice how you feel before, during, or after you’re around certain people. Some people can get you churned up just thinking about being around them. Take time to notice who these people are in your life. Don’t just go through life on auto-pilot, accepting whatever comes your way. That’s probably what got you where you are today, and why you’re reading this post.

So slow down, come to know yourself, make friends with yourself, and then choose the rest of your friends wisely. One small step at a time.

Until you have the life you really want.

Relationships - Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

So last week I said Relationships Begin With You, and that is true. The most important thing of all for a PMDD woman is to have a good relationship with yourself. Obviously I have a good relationship with myself, or I wouldn’t be here, boldly putting myself out there for all the world to read about. I like myself, I enjoy my own company. I’ve learned how to listen to myself, in good times and bad.
One of the best things I’ve learned along the way was that “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s what I think of me that matters, and as long as I am happy with me, as long as I like and respect myself, that’s what counts.
Surprisingly, adopting this belief didn’t turn me into some self-centered egomaniac. I think that was always my greatest fear…if I put myself first, won't I turn into some kind of monster who doesn’t care about anyone else? Then everybody will really hate me. (Because we all know that PMDD women regularly think everybody hates us.)
I think that’s why I put it off for so long. As women, we’re raised and socialized to put everybody else first. Love means doing for others. It’s how we get love, how we show love, how we determine our worth in the world.
Or at least that’s what we’re raised to believe. But the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. Here is a link to an excellent blog post on the subject, one that includes eight specific quotes from the Bible that say to love your neighbor as yourself. I am a woman of faith, but my purpose here is not to preach, so I’ll leave that to others....
But to me, to love my neighbor as myself means to love others as much as I love myself.
Not more, not less.
So to do that, I have to love myself first.
Loving yourself is hard when you’re a PMDD woman. You do and say things you regret all the time. We’re conditioned to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. I’m not sure why this is, because it makes for a lot of miserable people in the world, but the bottom line truth is everybody makes mistakes, not just women with PMDD.
Think about all that energy wasted in beating ourselves up. Think about all the good and positive things we could be doing with our time and energy instead. Think about how much happier your life would be if you simply acknowledged your mistakes, did what you could to make amends, accepted that you'd done your best with the information you had at the time, and then got on with your life.
Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine how different your life would be?
So the first step to loving yourself, is to accept yourself as you are, right here and now. Are you in the middle of a bad episode, or are you doing well today? Is your day just so-so? That’s fine, too. Start right where you are. If you’re having a bad day, what can you do right now to make your day a little better? Take a nap? Call a friend? Eat some chocolate? Read a book? Watch a movie? Make a cup of tea and just sit there feeling miserable for a while? Then go ahead and DO it.
Nobody says you have to be happy all the time. There is nobody on this planet who is happy all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little down time, a little pampering, to help you get back on your feet again.
I have a real dislike for taking drugs. Any kind of drug. I’m all about natural health and healing. I’m especially against the unnecessary use of pain pills and anti-depressants. But a friend once explained it to me this way: When you’re in constant pain, when your body has gone haywire and is sending an uninterrupted stream of “I hurt” and “I feel miserable” signals to your brain, then what is the harm in taking an occasional pill to chemically interrupt that endless loop of biochemical messages running through your body? What's wrong with giving your body a little period of pain-free space to figuratively take a deep breath and have a chance to recover itself from that endless stream of pain messages circulating through your system?
Along those same lines, if your pain is mental, as well as physical, then what is the harm in briefly taking an anti-depressant to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts running through your brain? Just long enough to get you back on your feet again.
In the case of a PMDD woman, certain anti-depressants have been clinically proven to provide relief within hours in 60% of the women who take them during an episode of PMDD. But you only need to take them while you’re having an episode. (That’s the part the drug companies don’t tell you.) For some reason, even though anti-depressants usually take several weeks to kick in for the truly depressed, these same anti-depressants can act quickly in the case of a woman simply having an episode of PMDD (although there’s nothing simple about an episode of PMDD).
So, in the case of chronic physical pain, taking a pain pill can give you small break in your constant misery. Just enough time for you to catch your breath and remember what it feels like to feel good again, and marshal your resources for the next wave of pain.
In the case of mental pain, if you’re one of the 60%, a SSRI anti-depressant can give you a quick break from that endless loop of negative thoughts in your head.
In the case of emotional pain, talking to someone, or pampering yourself in some way—listening to music, stroking a pet, reading a book, taking a walk, making a cup of tea—can give you that same little space between the endless loop of emotional pain you are feeling.
Spiritual pain—read a book, watch a program, listen to a tape, or go to a place of worship and spend some time in silent contemplation. Just you and your maker. Quiet time with the spirit that lives inside you.
That’s what’s known as being good to yourself. Whichever of these areas is calling out to you the loudest, start there. Baby steps. Take time out to get a handle on your pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. If you don’t do it, nobody’s going to do it for you.
Because you’re the only person who knows what is going on inside you. You’re the only person who knows just how hard it is to be you.
Especially on the days when you are not feeling like you.
So loving yourself comes from taking care of yourself. From listening to yourself and attending to your own needs. The more you do this, surprisingly enough, the less selfish you will become, because along the way, you manage to develop empathy, and realize you’re not as alone in your pain as you thought you were.
That’s when friends come in, and that’s what I’ll talk about next week. Finding supportive friends, being it on line or in your own neighborhood.
Until then, be blessed, and find just one way each day to be good to yourself. You’d do it for a friend or loved one. Why not for yourself?
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

Liana's PMDD Website Finally Launched!

I’ve been working on a book about PMDD for the past year and a half. For a time I had an agent interested, but in the end, she said it was a niche book, (meaning it wouldn’t have mass market appeal) and she passed on it. One of the drawbacks, she pointed out, was that I don’t have any sets of initials behind my name, so can’t claim I’m an expert on the subject.

Funny, how living with something for forty years, day in and day out, doesn’t qualify you as an expert on the subject. But there you have it. The bottom line was I didn’t have the right credentials or a platform--also known as a ready-made audience just waiting to grab my book off the shelves.

Now, six months later, I can see why she said what she did. I’ve bought and read countless books about PMDD and women’s hormones in general, and quite frankly, the information is already out there. Some of it highly technical, some of it garbled and distorted along the way, some of it just plain off-the-wall wrong, and some of it a thinly disguised marketing ploy to sell drugs or supplements and such, but overall, the information you need to manage your PMDD is out there.

On the other hand, you can go to the loops and forums and blogs, and read heartbreaking stories of women crying out for relief from their PMDD. Women with their lives and relationships in chaos. Women considering, planning, and attempting suicide because of it.

My question was (and is) why isn’t group A, those who suffer from PMDD, connecting with Group B, those who write about it and have information that would help women to understand and manage their PMDD?

I’m all about connections, networking, and relationships, so I’ve put my book on hold and shifted my focus to create this blog and a matching website to bring the two together. The website launched this week and is very incomplete, as I’m still writing the content for it, but I wanted you to be able to finally see what I’ve been working on these past few months and where I intend to go with it.

How did this all of this come about? Well, one day in April (a few weeks after the agent rejected my book proposal) I’m walking at the Y, participating in my 100 miles in 100 days challenge, just going around in circles around the track and letting my mind wander, when all of a sudden an image of a water lily comes to me, fully formed, along with the words, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.

I don’t know why that happened, or how, but when I stopped to think about it, I realized that’s what it’s like for me, living with PMDD. Some days I feel like all I’m doing is living on a prayer, getting through by the grace of God. If nothing else in the past ten years, I’ve learned nothing short of my faith is going to get me through this debilitating disorder that can and does lead other women to attempt suicide.

Anyway, I finished my walk, then went home and hit the internet, looking for pictures of water lilies. I found the perfect one three pictures in, but of course (being slightly OCD), had to keep looking to see if there were any better ones available.

There weren’t any better ones, but there were a ton of options. And so my idea began to expand. I contacted my favorite web designer, and she said to send her the pictures I’d chosen and we’d come up with something. In the end, I think we’ll use all the pictures I chose, because to me, each one represents a different facet of having PMDD.

But once that was done, all the pictures were chosen, I wanted to know…Why a water lily? I’m not really into flowers, and don’t like the water at all, especially dark, murky water, so I looked up the symbolism of water lilies.

This is what I discovered: Lotus: Water Lily: The Lotus flower is symbolic of rebirth, but in addition to its religious meaning, the lotus is also a symbol of all that is true, good and beautiful, representing good fortune, peace, and enlightenment…In modern times the meaning of a lotus flower links closely with religious symbolism and meaning. A lotus represents life in general. As the lotus flower grows up from the mud into an object of great beauty, people also grow and change into something more beautiful. So the symbol represents the struggle of life at its most basic form.

Lotus flower symbols are also popular for people who have gone through a hard time and are now coming out of it. Like the flower, they have been at the bottom in the muddy pond, but have risen above this to be an object of beauty or represent a life of beauty as the case may be.

Thus the lotus flower or blossom can also represent a hard time in life that has been (or can be) overcome.

I’d say that captures my (or any woman’s) struggle with PMDD perfectly.

Take care and God bless, and may your week be a happy one.