PMDD Symptom Play by Play Number 1

The following guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

Talking and writing openly about Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder is something I'm compelled to do, both for myself, other women, and the people who love us. I'm trying to understand myself and this very complicated phenomenon that seems to slip and shift into unrecognizable forms within a recognizable framework every month. Since learning about PMDD, I am now free to witness the cyclical changes taking place in my body and mind with some objectivity. As my body becomes more and more sensitive to the hormones surging through it, I'm less fearful about why I'm suddenly losing control, wondering how much worse it will get. It's easier to pay attention to the process, fascinated and taking notes.

Truly, as hard as it is to understand, things can be very different month to month. What I've done here is journal some of my symptoms in the days leading up to one period a few months ago. Were I to do this monthly, no doubt the expression of symptoms could be different each time. Typically, women begin to experience symptoms 14 to 11 days out from menstruation. The actual period tends to bring relief either instantly or within a couple of days. But again, this is only generally speaking. What I have garnered on the forums and from my own experience is there are exceptions to this rule, and a woman should not rule out PMDD just because she doesn't fit some erroneous profile that was originally established on a very small base of women. And if, like me, your hormones are in flux anyway due to perimenopause, you might indeed be a bit all over the symptom map!

With 11 days to go...The first thing I notice is an almost instant loss of my sense of humor. It was there one second, gone the next. My husband noticed it since we had been laughing for days prior. It isn't that things have ceased being humorous so much as that I have stopped being able to find humor in them. Even my face feels like it has forgotten how to move upward into a smile. The next thing I finally notice is growing fatigue. In fact, I'd slept 12 hours for two nights in three days. This is an absurdly long amount for me to sleep. I didn't even wake to relieve my bladder which is a common occurrence during a night of much less sleep. I gave into this need for sleep instead of fighting it off, and I think it did me a world of good. I also notice my body feeling colder. I wear a sweater and my hands ache with cold even though the temperature isn't that different from weeks prior. Then there's the hunger. I'd probably be eating all day long if I could. The menu? Salty chips, roasted nuts, dark chocolate, and butter on all manner of cakey-bready things. Unfortunately, the baker where we used to get our organic sourdough stopped taking orders, so I'm left with unfulfilled pangs and cravings for hot buttered toast or French toast. When it comes to food, I know I can't give into every craving anyway. I'd be the size of a buffalo. So, I balance things as best I can eating oat crackers and high-quality chocolate along with the grapefruit and parsley juice and salad and fruit. For the weeks leading up to this time, I was making banana shakes using almond milk, including the spices turmeric, cardamom, and cinnamon...each known to alleviate various PMDD symptoms like depression. I've also started taking magnesium which is supposed to help with symptoms. We'll see if I notice anything.

With 6 or 7 days to go...I felt like I was doing better this time around contrasted with last month. Is it the spices? The magnesium? Luck? I've noticed that, generally, I have good months and bad months. This makes the whole concept of PMDD even harder to understand and, for some, to believe. And yet, other women express the same experience. Some say every third period is the worst. I seem to have three on, three off...way off. Will this be a good month? Weepiness has set in and my legs are starting to feel like two leaden logs, so maybe it is too soon to tell. (Note from Liana: this good month/bad month pattern has been explained by whether or not the woman is ovulating.  If  you ovulate, you will experience PMDD symptoms.  As we enter perimenopause, we have fewer and fewer ovulations.  No ovulation = no symptoms.)

5 days and my mind is off and racing. I can't stop over-analyzing, over-thinking, and over-compensating. Some who know me might say I'm always like that. Okay, so, imagine that ramped up by 10. I've become afraid of the world, and what were merely challenges have become insurmountable obstacles. My husband is doing his best to distract me and also to listen to me without himself becoming depressed and defeated. Somehow, I've managed to regain my sense of humor, and this is really saving the day. Squirrel! 

4-2 days: Could I actually get through this month without losing it completely? I've had three social obligations in the last three days, and though as an introvert I'm feeling the drain, it isn't debilitating. The fact that I could even be social just a few days before my period is somewhat of a miracle.

1 day to go and everything I thought I'd managed to escape this cycle has come down full-force. The internal pressure I feel...how to describe it...has increased dramatically, making me very antsy...agitated. I feel like a combustible material. Pour the wrong remark over me and I will blow up.

So what happened next? I was attempting to control an out-of-hand ant problem (yes, ironic...me being antsy and all). My husband was pressuring me to leave for grocery shopping because the stores would close soon. He wasn't helping or taking part in what I saw as a near-disaster. Yes, I realize ants are not a near-disaster, but PMDD magnifies everything by about 1000. Couldn't he see what I was dealing with? I became furious.

So my husband asks, "Why are you acting like an asshole?"

Wrong move. That was it. The end of marital bliss. I may well have been an asshole, but I didn't need anyone pointing it out to me, thank you very much. I tore the shopping list in two, gave him his half and wished him luck. Despite wanting to call a truce in the market, I couldn't bring myself to do it because of the way he was now behaving...like an asshole.

The thing is, if I act like a big-enough asshole, then eventually, so does my husband. And then, we're lost. We're lost for an hour, a day, a week...hard to tell. But I know I can't engage with him AT ALL if he's also going to be a two-year old. And then I hate him because he doesn't have a "hormotional" excuse and could be making all this so much easier for us both.  (emphasis added)

Why couldn't he just have grabbed me, hugged me, and told me the ants were a little problem and that if I could just walk away I would feel better? Herein lies the greatest PMDD difficulty for me and countless others. Our behavior becomes exceedingly difficult if not impossible to control. (Liana adds: and once we have reached that tipping point, we are literally unable to go back, to retreat, to regain control.  All our efforts to soften our PMDD symptoms (meditation, herbs, vitamins, exercise, rest, nutrition, mantras, art or music therapy) are done in an effort to not reach that tipping point.  Because once we have, all is lost for that day or that PMDD episode. This is what most people do not understand.  We can't stop, once the emotional cascade begins.)

We're not doing it to be difficult. We're not doing it because we like throwing tantrums. We don't even get any pleasure out of it. Well, maybe some do. I don't. Mostly, I see a madwoman taking over my body and wonder how on earth to reach her, calm her, and love her. It is no easier for our significant others who try desperately to understand us as we're suddenly shooting daggers at them when five minutes ago they could do no wrong.

My husband and I talk about this stuff when we can. When I'm back to my old self again and after he's recovered, we talk about this funny thing called PMDD. We strategize and decide we can handle it. We make-up and go about our lives...laughing, loving, sometimes bugging each other, but getting over it. But then, when it rolls around again, it seems neither one of us remembers what to do. It's a common amnesia.

When I can, I will do another symptom play by play post. In the meantime, have you noticed similar symptoms in your own or a loved one's life?

PMDD - When Women Who Don't Have it Do Harm to Those Who Do

April is PMDD Awareness Month.  Last week, I presented a Quote of the Week from a psychiatrist in South Africa who does indeed understand what PMDD is about and the need to treat it.  This week we present the flip side of the coin--the side most of us are unfortunately all too familiar with--in the form of a guest post by fellow blogger Twilah, written in response to a TED Talk in which a woman psychologist proceeds to negate the validity of PMDD by, among other things, dismissing PMDD and its sister disorder PMS as a cultural myth.

Twilah: This TED talk came to my attention because it was posted on a PMDD forum online. Other women complained that the talk seemed invalidating and dismissive of the illness they live with. I tend to agree with the feedback of the women affected by PMDD. This is my analysis.

The speaker, Robyn Stein DeLuca, opens by gauging the audience’s familiarity with the concept of PMS. She establishes that PMS is a familiar concept with easily recognizable symptoms. She goes on to point out that mainstream American media accepts and propagates ideas and assumptions about PMS.

DeLuca then drops her bombshell that after five decades of research the jury is still out on PMS. It’s poorly defined, treatment protocols vary… it may not even be real! She explains how historically the symptoms of the disorder described by psychologists varied so greatly that the very definition of PMS became meaningless! 

She goes on to outline the shabby research techniques and protocols that characterized the presumably five decades of research she referred to earlier. She claims that the DSM “…in 1994…redefined PMS as PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder.”

Actually the DSM didn’t distinctly include PMDD until DSM 5, which was released in 2013. Prior to that, the DSM 4 included PMDD not as a distinct mental illness, but as a “depressive disorder not otherwise specified.” The speaker heralds the clarity established by the diagnostic guidelines offered in DSM 5. She then points out that under the new criteria in DSM 5 the number of women affected by PMDD turns out to be only 3-8%, which she considers “not even a lot of women.”

So DeLuca opens with a claim that five decades of research hasn’t supported the premise that PMS exists. Then she points out how poorly conducted much of that research was. 

Okay…you are using five decades of research that by your own reports doesn’t count for anything to support your premise that PMS is a dangerous and erroneous cultural creation? It’s generally a bad idea to use volumes of poorly conducted research as support for anything. And a mere 3-8% of presumably the world’s female population is affected? If women are slightly less than 50% of the estimated 7 billion humans on this planet, and about 2 billion of these women are menstruating, then 3% of menstruating women translates to roughly 60 million women with PMS/PMDD…whichever she is calling it right now…because she wants to undermine a PMDD diagnosis by conflating it with a cultural concept of PMS!  (Liana speaks up:  I want to say here that PMS and PMDD should never, ever be used interchangeably, as they are two separate conditions, and while PMDD affects 3-8% of menstruating women, PMS is said to affect approximately 80% of menstruating women. That means this woman, aside and apart from the huge disservice she is doing to women who do have PMDD, is also dismissing the monthly experiences of possibly another 1.6 billion women and calling it "good news".) 

Head spins…

She goes on to posit that, “the PMS myth” persists because of cultural limitations on the role of women.

Now I won’t argue for a minute that many cultures, especially the American one to which she is primarily referring, frequently limit the roles of women. Popular conceptions of PMS have been used by sexist people to minimize women’s speech and self-advocacy. That is undeniable. But the irrational interpretations of a sexist culture have zero bearing on whether a medical condition is real. Many well established medical conditions are stigmatized and used to oppress individuals affected by the conditions. Think of any disease that might cause a person to wear a colostomy bag, think leprosy, think any one of legions of mental illnesses. Simply because a culture uses a diagnosis to oppress a person with the diagnosis does not mean there is no validity to the diagnosis. The cultural interpretation of the illness needs to be addressed, the disease doesn’t need to be denied. 

DeLuca’s assertion that PMS is a largely Western concept is irrelevant also (Liana: as well as totally untrue). Lots of women’s health issues are more marginalized in non-Western societies. That has no bearing on their realness or validity. If society at large and physicians in particular choose not to discuss the high infant mortality rate in any country that doesn’t hold women in high regard, that doesn’t mean high infant mortality doesn’t exist in that country. That means it isn’t talked about or researched in that country.

To say that diagnosis and treatment of PMS or PMDD is anti-feminist is more hurtful to 60 million women than much run of the mill sexism. To have other women, who we would hope are our allies, take a stand to deny us diagnosis and treatment for a life threatening condition is morally reprehensible. 

Because that’s what PMDD is. It is a life threatening condition. The 3-8% of women who are affected by this disease experience job loss, relationship difficulties, relationship loss, depression, and potentially suicide. And this woman thinks it is helpful to stand up in a forum like a TED talk and tell people that it’s really no big deal that over 60 million human beings deal with this disease every month? To suggest it is a cultural problem and not a medical problem? She criticizes what she calls “the medicalization of women’s reproductive health.” I criticize the politicization of a medical disorder. I criticize speech that discourages further well conducted research into a life threatening illness.  (Liana:  Up to 30% of women with PMDD regularly experience suicidal ideation or attempt suicide.  15%  those succeed.) 

The root of the problem is not a cultural misperception about PMS. The root of the problem is that an endocrinological disorder is being treated as a mental illness. The problem is that the hormonal health of women is being handed to psychologists and psychiatrists for treatment. Imagine going to a psychiatrist for your diabetes or your hypothyroidism. What do you think the outcome would be? What do you think the data would show? Imagine a man being told to go to therapy instead of being given testosterone supplementation for age related testosterone production changes.  (Liana:  I half agree, but also disagree.  If psychiatrists and psychologists are the only medical professionals attempting to take PMDD on, then I would gladly go to them over accepting no medical help at all.  But I do believe PMDD is more an endocrinological disorder than a mental one.)

DeLuca says that, “…the success of medication in treating PMS symptoms vary from woman to woman.” She uses that as evidence to support the invalidity of a PMS diagnosis. Of course the success rate of using psychiatric drugs to treat a hormonal disorder would have varying rates of success! Considering the efficacy of antidepressants to treat depression is disputed, with estimates ranging all over the place, it’s not surprise the efficacy is unpredictable when you prescribe a psychiatric drug for an endocrine condition. I’m sure you’d find the same kind of inconsistency if you prescribed Prozac for erectile dysfunction. A man just might get an erection because increased serotonin made him happier overall. (Liana:  If the medication doesn't work, that does not mean the condition is not real.  It means the medical options provided are not addressing the medical issue.)

But wait, we’re talking about women.

This presentation is so off base. The problem isn’t that a make believe, culturally based illness is being given credence. The problem is that a hormonally based illness is being investigated by mental health professionals, simply because one aspect of its presentation is similar to recognized mental illnesses. The problem that American society uses the term PMS to dismiss or demean women’s emotional states is a completely separate issue from research and treatment of a disease that may affect more than 60 million women. The problem is that an educated women would stand up in front of an audience of thousands and undermine the health concerns of millions of fellow women.

Let’s not back away from helping women because existing research is incomplete or inconclusive. Let’s fund more and better studies. Let’s take seriously the complaints of millions of women that their health is being affected by their hormones. Let’s listen to women’s voices instead of dismissing them. 

Twilah's blog can be found here.  

PMDD - Owning What's Yours and Discarding What's Not

Hopefully this post will provide some information or inspiration to help get you through the next six weeks of supposed holiday cheer.  For weeks now, we have been (and will continue to be) inundated with media images of joy, happiness, laughter, good times and carefree events with friends and family.  
  But this isn't even close to the reality of what happens for most people during this time of year. 
  Not to mention what happens to women with PMDD.
  But still we try.  Over and over and over again.  Because we love our families, and even when we feel miserable inside, we want to make things good for them.
  So this post is for women with PMDD who are unwilling—or literally unable—to take a break from your family.  And this means any time of the year, not just the holidays.  I'm offering this post today, though, because I know relationships tend to be super stressed once we start heading into Thanksgiving and families start spending more time together than usual.
So...Recognizing that

You can’t fix something you didn’t break

and

It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it,

There is only so much you can do.

If the person you are trying to connect with, be they parent, partner, sibling, or child, is not interested in having a positive relationship with you—the reason why does not matter—there is nothing you can do but hang on and hope for the best.

Prayer can be very effective when you have reached this sort of impasse with someone in your life.

But I also want to make sure you realize that if you are having a bad relationship with someone, anyone, in your life, and you are doing your best to take responsibility for whatever shortcomings you may bring to the relationship, and it still isn’t working...

Then the problem isn’t you, and you have no business taking full blame for the faults in or failure of the relationship.

Many relationships are broken because the person you are in relationship with is also broken. They do not love themselves, and therefore literally cannot love you until they heal. This is not always their fault, this inability to love, but once people reach adulthood, how much love and goodness they have in their hearts and their lives is a direct result of their choices in life.

Yes, happiness is a choice. So are peace and harmony, anger and strife. People choose to be happy or sad, appreciative or critical, content or bitter, encouraging or derisive. It is absolutely true that when you have control over nothing else, over no other circumstances in your life, you still have control over your attitude. (I am talking about the other half of whatever relationship you are thinking about right now. This does not apply to you, the woman with PMDD, just yet. We will talk about you a little later.)

The fact that whoever you are having a relationship with chooses not to be happy, or not to work with you to better the relationship, or not to participate in the relationship at all, is not your fault.  That is their fault. Fully, completely, and entirely. Do not take the blame for anyone’s bad behavior but your own. Ever. Any time, any place, any where. If you are an adult, you are responsible for your own behavior. If you are under the age of 25, you can still get away with some stupid stuff, because your brain is literally not fully formed yet, and people in their twenties tend to do things without thinking them through.

That’s part of life, that’s part of growing up. But once you cross that line, and start heading into your thirties, it is time to start acting like an adult, or you will find yourself in relationship after relationship that does not work, and, if you have any sense of self-awareness at all, will leave you wondering why.

The first tenet of being a grown up is to take responsibility for your actions, good or bad. It’s that simple. You hurt someone or their feelings, you apologize, and do what you can to make it right. You don’t blame them for being too sensitive, clumsy, slow, scattered, discombobulated, or anything at all. Aside from the one to three percent of the population who are genuine sociopaths, we all know right from wrong. We are born knowing this right from wrong. In some of us, that knowing gets killed/suppressed/obliterated very early on, but for the rest of us, we know. We know when we are at the receiving end of something wrong, and we know when we are at the dishing out end of something wrong. That we choose to do whatever it is we are doing anyway, is exactly that...a choice. And adults take responsibility for their choices, be they right or wrong.

So if you have someone in your life who doesn’t understand your PMDD, it’s because they are choosing not to understand. Choosing not to love. Instead they are choosing to believe you are crazy or lazy or out of control because it suits some purpose that works for them, not you. (This is assuming you are making every effort to enlighten them.) They may or may not be aware of this on a conscious level, but either way, this is what is happening. If they can keep the focus on you and your failings, there is no need to look at their own. If they can get you to take the blame for whatever is wrong in the relationship, they don’t need to carry their own half of the load.

Being in a relationship takes work under the best of circumstances. If you are in a relationship with someone who thinks “love is all hearts and flowersˮ or “relationships just happen” then you have your work cut out for you. First of all, you’ll be doing double the work while they do none of it. And when something goes wrong, since you are doing all the work, you will most likely get all the blame.

Tell me how that is fair. Tell me it hasn’t happened to you.

Whether it’s with a friend, relative, spouse, or a  child, to make a relationship work you have to spend quality time together, and you each must make the effort to understand the other, and to find ways to create memories that make you both smile—instead of cry. No one can tell you what, where, or how this balance in your relationship should be. This is between the two of you and no one else. You and the other party are the only ones in the relationship, and you and the other party are the only ones who can figure it out, based on your individual levels of maturity, needs, personalities, time availability, emotional awareness, you name it.

Just like every woman is different, every relationship is different. You can look across a room and see a couple you think has it all, but you don’t know what goes on in that relationship. I don’t care what you think you know. You only know what you see and what you are told, and even then the information is skewed unless you are told by both parties in the presence of each other. When this happens, you still may not get the full picture. Couples regularly leave private details out of stories they tell about themselves.

But I digress. The bottom line is the people in your life are always responsible for their own actions and choices, even when they refuse to take responsibility for them. Not taking responsibility does not mean you are no longer responsible. The responsibility is still yours, whether you accept it or not.

None of this, of course, applies to a woman with PMDD when she is in the PMDD zone. Right now we are talking about partners/relatives who are in full control of their faculties at any given moment. Once a PMDD-ing woman enters her personal PMDD zone, all bets are off until her period comes and she returns to her regular state of mind.

But guess what? Once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

That said, no one who does not have PMDD themselves has the right to judge, blame, dismiss, discount, provoke, or otherwise torment you into making your PMDD worse. Neither do they have any right to excuse themselves for their behavior during an episode, especially while casting all the blame on you and your condition/disorder/disease/illness. Doing either—tormenting you and/or blaming you for your own torment—is abuse. Whether it’s fostered by ignorance or done deliberately, it’s still abuse, plain and simple.

It’s so easy to blame your own failings on someone who has legitimate burdens to carry. Do not fall prey to this tactic, this emotional abuse. As women we are often socialized to accept either responsibility or the blame for the bad behavior of those around us. This is doubly true for women with PMDD. Having PMDD makes us easy targets for blame.

Do not accept that blame unless it is truly yours. Daily I hear from women about something that happened during their latest PMDD episode, and without fail, they take the entire blame for the incident, even when the other party was a total jerk.

This has to stop.

Own up to what is yours, whether you are in the PMDD zone or not. And do not for one moment take responsibility for something that did not come out of YOU.

If awareness is the first step, and it is, shedding guilt and blame is the second. The book, Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson, by Dr. Joan Borysenko is an excellent resource for helping you to do just that. It changed my life, and if you want to change yours, it’s a great place to start.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.  More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

PMDD, A Conversation with Someone Who KNOWS

Trust the process that got you here to get you through.

For today's post, I have taken a rather lengthy reader comment from one of my previous posts and re-formatted my reply to resemble a question and answer session, because, as you will see, the original comment touched on several  questions/ideas many of us have wondered about over time. 

By answering the reader here, I can reach more people.  So here goes:

Hello, Liana, 

I can't thank you enough for having the courage to put this blog out there and then be honest and specific about your symptoms and coping mechanisms as it relates to them. You wrote "No egg, no sadness. Woo hoo! Party time!" which just explained to me why some months feel suicidal and some months LIFE IS WONDERFUL!

Hard not to think one is crazy when all of this bullshit is happening.

Hello, T!  Welcome to my blog, and thank you for taking the time to write, especially in such detail.  I appreciate your affirmation and support.  And yes, the "no released egg, no symptoms" aspect of PMDD tends to throw just about everybody off and make countless women doubt their sanity.  Especially in our later years, as we begin to release fewer and fewer eggs.

It would almost make it bearable if there was a higher purpose to it, a reason why.

I've thought that same thing many times.  One day I decided the higher purpose to my PMDD is to write about it.  I spent many years thinking I was crazy, and then, finally, it hit me that "Surely there must be others out there like me, who think they are crazy.  I need to let them know (through writing about my PMDD experiences and research) that they are not."

So my blog was born during a five month period when my book editing business was slow.  I had three website pages completed before I realized the website was too static, and I needed to do a blog.  20 blog posts later my business picked up again and it's been a struggle to find time for my PMDD research and writing ever since. 

For a few years, I let my research slide.  No time.  Then, when I was ready to start up again, I had to re-do all of my research, in case new information had surfaced while I was busy doing other things.

And it had.  In the past two years, the news about PMDD has increased exponentially.  I get a Google alert every other day about someone writing something about PMDD.  So I go there to check it out.  Because, as many of us have learned the hard way, you can't trust just anything you read on the internet.  There are a LOT of supposed health sites that have jumped on the PMDD bandwagon, just to pull in readers.  Sites that I can now pick out when (because I've been researching PMDD for over a decade) they don't understand the first thing about PMDD.  Old information recycled as new, some information slanted to achieve a certain goal or just plain false, but enough of the article close enough to known facts to confuse someone new to the subject....

Anyway, I decided my mission/higher purpose would be to sort out the fact from fiction, and publish my findings here and elsewhere.

I haven't gotten to the elsewhere part yet, due to family and work obligations, and then, in 2013, there was my surprise brain surgery. 

But back to your comments:  I don't see a lot of people mentioning ANXIETY! as a symptom but it sure is one of mine, a surge of cortisol and other hormones so big it triggers obsessive violent thoughts and then it all subsides once period time gets here.

Anxiety is a huge problem for a lot of people.  I'm not sure if I'm one of them, mostly because I manage my environment around my PMDD,  so I don't put myself in situations that feed my anxiety.  But my anxieties are different from those of others, because there are a LOT of things I think nothing of, that terrify others.  And some things that terrify me, that don't bother others at all.

Educate yourself, learn to love yourself in spite of all the shit your head comes up with; there is some putting up with [this shit] that goes along with [PMDD].

I couldn't agree more, and that is what my blog is about.  I've sifted through probably 90% of the current information on the internet and in books relevant to PMDD and put the best of it on my blog.  If not in the posts, then on the sidebars, where there are links to all sorts of good resources.

For the men, if you love the woman, get educated about this as much as you can, I strongly recommend reading "Female Brain Gone Insane" by Mia Lundin.

I agree completely, and have a link to that same book in the sidebar of my blog.  Another excellent read is The Female Brain, by Dr. Louann Brizendine.

In it [Ms. Lundin] sheds tremendous light on this subject and offers great natural suggestions for relief,  but the only way out [of PMDD] is [to go] through it. [That] doesn't mean you guys take any abuse, but for the love of everything that is holy do not get confrontational—rather go for a walk or something.

Again, I agree 100% and have written three blog posts specifically for the partners of women with PMDD. 

For the ladies thinking hysterectomy as an end to this, PLEASE DON'T DO IT.  It is the easy way out and when the storm-tsunami-holocaust of this mess passes you will need those eggs!  Hysterectomy is the first thing OBGYN offers because it is a money maker.

I agree in that I believe most hysterectomies to lessen the horror of PMDD are unnecessary, and find it very saddening that there are so many women willing to die early (because hysterectomies do shorten your life span), risk their lives with major surgery, and take the very real chance that the operation won't help your PMDD symptoms at all if they don't take out your ovaries as well.  Also, when you get a hysterectomy, you go on hormone replacement therapy afterward, which just messes with your hormones all over again.  I would LOVE to hear from women who have had a hysterectomy for PMDD (not any other reason) and found it to be worth the risk, cost, lost time, health complications, and shortened life span in the end. 

I know your PMDD symptoms make you feel desperate, but I do not believe a hysterectomy is the answer.  Neither does Winnifed B. Cutler, PhD, and her reasons why are outlined in her book, Hormones and Your Health, also pictured in the sidebar of this blog. 

Please, please, ladies, do your research before you make this life altering decision.  Don't let emotion guide you, but rather the facts.

Of course all I have said is from personal experience and is easier said than done. So  please, please, please, take what you like and leave the rest.

To that I add, if you have already had a hysterectomy for your PMDD, just start where you are with improving your health and living the best and fullest life you can for the rest of your days.  Good nutrition, rest, exercise, and lowering stress are a recipe for better health for everyone, not just those of us with PMDD or hormonal mood disorders.

Pray a lot! Talk it out, DO NOT ISOLATE. This monster wants you in a corner and it wants you dead or to make you hurt someone else and usually that someone else is a loved one, although strangers can get a backlash too.

She nails it, don't you think?  PMDD is a monster determined to bend you to its will, and do as much damage as it can to your world along the way. 

I take megadoses of vitamin C, to bowel tolerance and after a few months, something inside is building back up, [and my] energy is slowly starting to come back, [but] JUST FOR TODAY.

One day at a time.  It's all any of us can do.  But vitamin C is a great place to start. 

I am 48 now. Something new is I get my period twice a month for the last two months and I feel my ovaries churning when an egg is released. I also feel hard in the lower belly before [my] period starts (something new).

I, too, get my period more often now.  Every three weeks instead of four. And I can feel when I ovulate as well.

In addition I want to shed some light from another blog I read, women who go through this, usually have had some early trauma in their lives (even or especially if they don't consciously remember) and then, spiritually speaking, the pain (stuck energy) is trying to work itself out of your body through the horrors of PMDD (just something to think about).

Don't sell yourself short, T.  I believe this can be the case as well.  And there have been scientific studies that prove a correlation between a traumatic childhood, childhood trauma in general, and sexual abuse and PMDD.  I plan to write more about it one day.  But for now I will say that for me personally, my PMDD and then period at the end of the cycle is like a huge purging of all that has distressed me in life and not yet been dealt with.  I used to let it take control.  No more.  Now I basically make note of what comes up during that time and deal with it when I'm feeling strong enough to handle it like a responsible adult. 

As for you Liana, you are the first person [to] have actually made feel and believe to the core of my being that this is not forever, that in fact "this too shall pass" and that I am not bad or crazy or being punished by the gods for all of my sins of being an imperfect human.

You are correct.  PMDD does not last forever.  It ends with menopause.  (It does, however, get worse during perimenopause if left untreated.)

You are not bad.

You are not crazy.

And you are not being punished for any sins.

I can't thank you enough and these posts in and of themselves are very cathartic. This is such an amazing twisted, enlightening, terrifying process, that I even wrote poetry a few years back and I never wrote a poem in my life...it is as if the garbage [we] accumulate over a lifetime is trying to get out of you and your true beautiful Self is trying to shine through.

Every woman's experience is different, but yes, writing or journaling about your PMDD can be extremely cathartic, and like I said above, I have long felt that my PMDD brings to the surface many things I tend overlook/avoid/suppress during my "good" times... either out of fear, denial, or the desire to avoid a confrontation.  I have read so many Facebook posts where women describe having a meltdown and then take the blame for the entire incident and don't even realize or acknowledge that the other person was yes, indeed, being a jerk.  (And that anyone in that same situation would have a right to be upset.)  It's always the PMDD that takes 100% of the blame, and not the 50% actions of the other party. 

Ladies, it takes two to make a relationship and it takes two to break one.  It's that simple.

So stop blaming your PMDD for every confrontation/mishap that happens in your life.  Other people do mean and stupid things too...what is their explanation?

Because PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.  If you take nothing more away from this blog post than that, you will be doing something positive for yourself in 2015.

And now, a fitting farewell from our special guest interviewer, which I think sums up what many of us are feeling and experiencing.

Because [of] ALL OF YOU, I feel less alone, less insane and more hopeful. Something that comes HARD to me, but that I am working on is: SURRENDER, ACCEPTANCE AND TRUST.

As are we all; me, as well.  At the moment, I am working on exactly those three things.  Starting January 1, I've taken a 6-month hiatus from my income-generating work to focus on my PMDD blog and books, and it's going to take a lot of surrender, acceptance, and trust to see this whole thing through.

But letters like T's have convinced me it's the right thing to do.

That said, I join T. in wishing you all love and light and tons of resilience, faith, and strength in the coming year.  Happy 2015, ladies, and may it be the year YOUR beautiful Self shines through!
Blessings,

Liana

PMDD and Holiday Stress

Offhand, I can think of four good sources of holiday stress: family, food, finances, and expectations.  Each causes its own manner of stress, but like a toxic family with a volatile history, they all intertwine.  For example: Your family has expectations that involve your finances, either via hosting a food-laden event, traveling to a food-laden event, or simply exchanging gifts. 

Funny, but our current culture would have us believe that the more we spend, the more we care.

Is that messed up or what?  Then, of course, there are the guilt purchases.  You know, the sometimes extravagant but almost always expensive gifts you buy to convince someone how much you care when you won't be showing up in person.  Or maybe you will be there, but you'll have to leave early, or it's the only time you've seen this person since whenever, and you feel guilty about that.  Then there's the keeping-up-with-everyone-else spending. Your gift can't possibly come in at a dollar value less that the gifts "the others" are giving, or you'll look bad.  So you either buy something you can't afford, or pony up your share of a gift you didn't choose and can't afford. 

But I digress.  Above are only a few examples of generic holiday stressors.  A PMDD woman doesn't handle stress well to start with, and so when the holiday madness begins....

You can understand why all she wants is for it to be over, or at the very least, to get through it without a meltdown.

So let's stop for a minute, just stop and think.  What are all these holiday gatherings supposed to be about?  Connecting, making memories to hold you through until you see each other again, right? (Or, if you're all local, celebrating another year of life's ups and downs together.) 

But somewhere along the way, everything shifted.  Away from Jesus and family, peace and goodwill, and toward fueling a selling season that accounts for 40% of the year's retail revenue. 

Connecting more deeply with friends and family is not about two months plus of frenzied shopping to see who comes up with the biggest, best, shiniest gift.  It's about coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring.  It's about making eye contact (put those electronics away!!), feeling genuinely happy to see each other, and connecting in a special way...but not a deep and forever-bonding kind of way.  If you come to the party expecting that, you've fallen into the trap of unrealistic expectations, and you'll only be disappointed. 

Holiday gatherings are for having lighthearted fun and making good, positive memories.  If a heart to heart connection happens, consider it a bonus.  But don't go into the event expecting anything more than a good time.

Happy holiday gatherings are about spending time with people who share common interests, values, and beliefs.  And if that doesn't happen—which is most of the time—it's about managing to enjoy the day and company as best as you can.  In a worst case scenario, it's about keeping the peace (and your peace) for as long as you and these spiritual, mental, and emotional strangers spend time together.

Not everyone is blessed enough to have a group to gather with.  If you are, but can't stand to be around them, and absolutely, positively can not escape attending the festivities, the prevailing advice is to limit your visits to a couple of hours at a time.  If you've traveled long distance, take breaks to visit friends in the area, or maybe revisit familiar local haunts, or even show your partner or kids where you grew up.  If you don't want to do that, or don't know anyone else in town, maybe you can visit some sort of tourist attraction in the area for a break between bouts with relatives.  Or you can offer to be the gofer who runs errands.  Somebody always needs something they forgot to bring at these things.  Offer to fetch it, and use the time to regroup.  If you're not from the area, just take a walk or a drive to explore the surroundings and clear your head.  What is it with people acting as if there's something wrong with wanting to spend more than a few minutes alone?  Could it be they envy your independence? Wish they could break away from the herd as well?  Think about it.

If you have no relatives nearby, find some friends and start your own traditions. Traditions are important, but creating new traditions can be equally important.  Families no longer look the same as they did in the past--we've got single moms and dads, same sex moms and dads, bi-racial couples and children, adopted children, foster children, blended families, events where all parties and their current significant other show up, presumably for the sake of the kids—so why should family events always be the same?  Consider incorporating something new into the mix.  Maybe you can all go to church together, or to a restaurant for dinner, or to a movie or bowling after your meal.  Mix up the traditional menu but try adding something new.  Maybe even ditch the whole thing and have a theme party.

Or maybe you can agree to go to the big family shindig only every other year, or only participate on alternate holidays.  Spend one any way you want to, (whether it be by staying home or planning a ski chalet weekend) and the next by attending a family gathering.  Or schedule the family event at a different time than the true holiday.  Think of all the stress you'll avoid, not scrambling out there with all the other holiday travelers. 

But don't go at all if you know the event will only bring more pain and destruction to yourself and the family.  Family gathering time is not the time to resolve family issues, conflicts, or make major family decisions.  The discussion about your cousin's financial woes or addiction or whether or how to move someone into assisted living is NOT one you want to have at a holiday gathering.  Ditto details about selling, renting, or discarding family property.  True, it may be the only time you are all together, but the holiday celebration itself is NOT the forum for such undertakings.  Those require a separate family meeting.

Just as the holidays are stressful for all of us, most of these suggestions could apply to anyone.  To specifically address your PMDD, I'd have to return to the line of "coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring."  If you are feeling none of these things on the date of the event, then you are not wrong in wanting to cancel, and if you do, please do not feel guilty or accept any blame for doing so.  Would you stay home if you had the flu?  Negative moods are just as contagious and can ruin a party just as easily.

Feeling guilt and accepting blame only escalate your PMDD symptoms.  By staying away from the event, you are protecting both the event and taking care of yourself.  Nothing in this world is more important than seeing to your own health and well-being.  Especially when it comes to your mental health.

Because if you don't care enough about yourself to take care of you, believe me, nobody else will either.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. Both are available in ebook from Amazon and Smashwords (Kobo, ibooks, Nook, and Overdrive), and in print from Amazon, and the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders, or IAPMD.  For more information, please check out Liana's Facebook Page, Living with PMDD.