PMDD - Owning What's Yours and Discarding What's Not

Hopefully this post will provide some information or inspiration to help get you through the next six weeks of supposed holiday cheer.  For weeks now, we have been (and will continue to be) inundated with media images of joy, happiness, laughter, good times and carefree events with friends and family.  
  But this isn't even close to the reality of what happens for most people during this time of year. 
  Not to mention what happens to women with PMDD.
  But still we try.  Over and over and over again.  Because we love our families, and even when we feel miserable inside, we want to make things good for them.
  So this post is for women with PMDD who are unwilling—or literally unable—to take a break from your family.  And this means any time of the year, not just the holidays.  I'm offering this post today, though, because I know relationships tend to be super stressed once we start heading into Thanksgiving and families start spending more time together than usual.
So...Recognizing that

You can’t fix something you didn’t break

and

It takes two to make a relationship, and two to break it,

There is only so much you can do.

If the person you are trying to connect with, be they parent, partner, sibling, or child, is not interested in having a positive relationship with you—the reason why does not matter—there is nothing you can do but hang on and hope for the best.

Prayer can be very effective when you have reached this sort of impasse with someone in your life.

But I also want to make sure you realize that if you are having a bad relationship with someone, anyone, in your life, and you are doing your best to take responsibility for whatever shortcomings you may bring to the relationship, and it still isn’t working...

Then the problem isn’t you, and you have no business taking full blame for the faults in or failure of the relationship.

Many relationships are broken because the person you are in relationship with is also broken. They do not love themselves, and therefore literally cannot love you until they heal. This is not always their fault, this inability to love, but once people reach adulthood, how much love and goodness they have in their hearts and their lives is a direct result of their choices in life.

Yes, happiness is a choice. So are peace and harmony, anger and strife. People choose to be happy or sad, appreciative or critical, content or bitter, encouraging or derisive. It is absolutely true that when you have control over nothing else, over no other circumstances in your life, you still have control over your attitude. (I am talking about the other half of whatever relationship you are thinking about right now. This does not apply to you, the woman with PMDD, just yet. We will talk about you a little later.)

The fact that whoever you are having a relationship with chooses not to be happy, or not to work with you to better the relationship, or not to participate in the relationship at all, is not your fault.  That is their fault. Fully, completely, and entirely. Do not take the blame for anyone’s bad behavior but your own. Ever. Any time, any place, any where. If you are an adult, you are responsible for your own behavior. If you are under the age of 25, you can still get away with some stupid stuff, because your brain is literally not fully formed yet, and people in their twenties tend to do things without thinking them through.

That’s part of life, that’s part of growing up. But once you cross that line, and start heading into your thirties, it is time to start acting like an adult, or you will find yourself in relationship after relationship that does not work, and, if you have any sense of self-awareness at all, will leave you wondering why.

The first tenet of being a grown up is to take responsibility for your actions, good or bad. It’s that simple. You hurt someone or their feelings, you apologize, and do what you can to make it right. You don’t blame them for being too sensitive, clumsy, slow, scattered, discombobulated, or anything at all. Aside from the one to three percent of the population who are genuine sociopaths, we all know right from wrong. We are born knowing this right from wrong. In some of us, that knowing gets killed/suppressed/obliterated very early on, but for the rest of us, we know. We know when we are at the receiving end of something wrong, and we know when we are at the dishing out end of something wrong. That we choose to do whatever it is we are doing anyway, is exactly that...a choice. And adults take responsibility for their choices, be they right or wrong.

So if you have someone in your life who doesn’t understand your PMDD, it’s because they are choosing not to understand. Choosing not to love. Instead they are choosing to believe you are crazy or lazy or out of control because it suits some purpose that works for them, not you. (This is assuming you are making every effort to enlighten them.) They may or may not be aware of this on a conscious level, but either way, this is what is happening. If they can keep the focus on you and your failings, there is no need to look at their own. If they can get you to take the blame for whatever is wrong in the relationship, they don’t need to carry their own half of the load.

Being in a relationship takes work under the best of circumstances. If you are in a relationship with someone who thinks “love is all hearts and flowersˮ or “relationships just happen” then you have your work cut out for you. First of all, you’ll be doing double the work while they do none of it. And when something goes wrong, since you are doing all the work, you will most likely get all the blame.

Tell me how that is fair. Tell me it hasn’t happened to you.

Whether it’s with a friend, relative, spouse, or a  child, to make a relationship work you have to spend quality time together, and you each must make the effort to understand the other, and to find ways to create memories that make you both smile—instead of cry. No one can tell you what, where, or how this balance in your relationship should be. This is between the two of you and no one else. You and the other party are the only ones in the relationship, and you and the other party are the only ones who can figure it out, based on your individual levels of maturity, needs, personalities, time availability, emotional awareness, you name it.

Just like every woman is different, every relationship is different. You can look across a room and see a couple you think has it all, but you don’t know what goes on in that relationship. I don’t care what you think you know. You only know what you see and what you are told, and even then the information is skewed unless you are told by both parties in the presence of each other. When this happens, you still may not get the full picture. Couples regularly leave private details out of stories they tell about themselves.

But I digress. The bottom line is the people in your life are always responsible for their own actions and choices, even when they refuse to take responsibility for them. Not taking responsibility does not mean you are no longer responsible. The responsibility is still yours, whether you accept it or not.

None of this, of course, applies to a woman with PMDD when she is in the PMDD zone. Right now we are talking about partners/relatives who are in full control of their faculties at any given moment. Once a PMDD-ing woman enters her personal PMDD zone, all bets are off until her period comes and she returns to her regular state of mind.

But guess what? Once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

That said, no one who does not have PMDD themselves has the right to judge, blame, dismiss, discount, provoke, or otherwise torment you into making your PMDD worse. Neither do they have any right to excuse themselves for their behavior during an episode, especially while casting all the blame on you and your condition/disorder/disease/illness. Doing either—tormenting you and/or blaming you for your own torment—is abuse. Whether it’s fostered by ignorance or done deliberately, it’s still abuse, plain and simple.

It’s so easy to blame your own failings on someone who has legitimate burdens to carry. Do not fall prey to this tactic, this emotional abuse. As women we are often socialized to accept either responsibility or the blame for the bad behavior of those around us. This is doubly true for women with PMDD. Having PMDD makes us easy targets for blame.

Do not accept that blame unless it is truly yours. Daily I hear from women about something that happened during their latest PMDD episode, and without fail, they take the entire blame for the incident, even when the other party was a total jerk.

This has to stop.

Own up to what is yours, whether you are in the PMDD zone or not. And do not for one moment take responsibility for something that did not come out of YOU.

If awareness is the first step, and it is, shedding guilt and blame is the second. The book, Guilt is the Teacher, Love is the Lesson, by Dr. Joan Borysenko is an excellent resource for helping you to do just that. It changed my life, and if you want to change yours, it’s a great place to start.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.  More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

PMDD Wisdom for the Holidays and Beyond

I received two excellent comments from readers this week, both of them spot on, and rather than leave this straightforward wisdom buried in the comments section at the end of an older post, I thought I'd bring it front and center for your consideration.  Please keep these comments in mind as we move into the craziest and most emotion-filled time of the year, and may your next six weeks be filled with more peace and understanding because of it:

Here’s some advice for anybody who lives with a woman experiencing PMDD from somebody who has it herself: If you suddenly find that the woman you live with is irritable, seems distant, or has actually left to be by herself, leave her alone! She’s not mad at you, you didn’t do anything wrong. If you follow her around, touch her, stare at her, and ask her questions when all she needs is to be by herself for a bit, you’re going to piss her off. Look at the calendar. Is she premenstrual? Yes? Then that is your explanation for her behavior. She doesn’t need to explain it to you every month. She doesn’t want to talk about it. This is super predictable, guys. I know you may see her not feeling well and worry about her and your natural reaction is to touch and comfort and find out what’s wrong. For the love of all that is holy, just leave her alone. She can’t control how she feels and she doesn’t like it either. Don’t make it worse. She most likely already feels terrible you have to deal with her. :(  ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

Guys. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I have PMDD. I get how you would think that if your wife/girlfriend can keep it together at work that you would think you are not her top priority. But, consider this. What if she is a mess around you because you and your kids are everything to her? Think about it. Work is important, but it’s just a job. Friends are important, but they are just friends. Wanting to be a good wife and mom is everything to most women I know. Personally, I find it challenging, if not impossible, to be a good wife and a good mom at the same time. Both roles require completely different demands. This is stressful. So then, take into account that when your wife is premenstrual, she has lost her ability to cope. She’s so stressed out and so overwhelmed she cannot deal with anything. It’s upsetting when the toast is taking too long to pop up let alone the child who is screaming because she said he can’t play with the electrical cords. So, it’s hard. We care so much about being a good wife and mom, that when we can’t be, we feel incredible guilt. We are incapable of being loving, fun and efficient all time and feel so bad about it that we think you and the kids would be better off without us. These feelings can affect us physically to the point that we can’t fulfill any of our roles. If we didn’t care about being a good wife and mom, it wouldn’t stress us out. When we’re premenstrual, we can’t handle the stress.
If that’s not the case with your wife, there’s another explanation. If she’s at work all day and comes home to you and the kids at night, that means she has spent the whole day trying so hard to not be a monster. This is exhausting. There is so much she wants to do and say, but she can’t. She holds it in. Coming home to the demands of being a wife and mom put her over the top, she has nothing left. She just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s not that you aren’t her top priority, it’s that when she has time with you, she literally has nothing left to offer.
Another reason would be that work is validating for her. She's probably good at what she does, and she gets a paycheck for it. There's a reward and purpose and it feels good to be a good employee. There is not much that makes you feel good about being a wife and mom. If the house is messy, you don't know what to make for dinner, dinner sucks, laundry isn't done, etc., it's easy to feel like a subpar wife. If your 3 year old isn't potty trained, your 15 year old doesn't know how to load a dishwasher, your kids watch too much t.v., your kids eat nothing but junk, your kids fight, your kids don't obey, you forgot your tooth fairy duties, etc., it's easy to feel like a failure as a mom. It's not hard to feel inadequate at home. Maybe the "needed benefit" for her going to work is that she feels good about herself the 8 hours she's there, and that 8 hours is what gets her through the other 16 every day.
There you have three explanations. I hope this gives you insight on what you’re wife might be thinking. We’re all different, but it was sad for me to hear you think you’re not a priority or of less importance to your wife because for me, it’s the opposite. It’s the anger and frustration and questioning of our love for you that gets us stuck in depression. Try responding to her with love. If she comes home from work a crazy angry person, or if you come home from work and she’s clearly irritable, that would be a good time for you to say, “Kids, Mom doesn’t feel well. Come to me for everything you need. Let’s clean up your toys, I’ll help with homework, I’ll feed you dinner, I’ll give you baths, I’ll put you to bed.” Just try it. See how much sooner she feels better. She needs to know you love her even though she’s having a bad day. I know it’s a lot of work to do everything at home after you’ve worked so hard all day, but contemplate this: If you get divorced or she kills herself, which is something women with PMDD think of often, you’re going to be doing everything every day anyway for the rest of time. ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

PMDD and Holiday Stress

Offhand, I can think of four good sources of holiday stress: family, food, finances, and expectations.  Each causes its own manner of stress, but like a toxic family with a volatile history, they all intertwine.  For example: Your family has expectations that involve your finances, either via hosting a food-laden event, traveling to a food-laden event, or simply exchanging gifts. 

Funny, but our current culture would have us believe that the more we spend, the more we care.

Is that messed up or what?  Then, of course, there are the guilt purchases.  You know, the sometimes extravagant but almost always expensive gifts you buy to convince someone how much you care when you won't be showing up in person.  Or maybe you will be there, but you'll have to leave early, or it's the only time you've seen this person since whenever, and you feel guilty about that.  Then there's the keeping-up-with-everyone-else spending. Your gift can't possibly come in at a dollar value less that the gifts "the others" are giving, or you'll look bad.  So you either buy something you can't afford, or pony up your share of a gift you didn't choose and can't afford. 

But I digress.  Above are only a few examples of generic holiday stressors.  A PMDD woman doesn't handle stress well to start with, and so when the holiday madness begins....

You can understand why all she wants is for it to be over, or at the very least, to get through it without a meltdown.

So let's stop for a minute, just stop and think.  What are all these holiday gatherings supposed to be about?  Connecting, making memories to hold you through until you see each other again, right? (Or, if you're all local, celebrating another year of life's ups and downs together.) 

But somewhere along the way, everything shifted.  Away from Jesus and family, peace and goodwill, and toward fueling a selling season that accounts for 40% of the year's retail revenue. 

Connecting more deeply with friends and family is not about two months plus of frenzied shopping to see who comes up with the biggest, best, shiniest gift.  It's about coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring.  It's about making eye contact (put those electronics away!!), feeling genuinely happy to see each other, and connecting in a special way...but not a deep and forever-bonding kind of way.  If you come to the party expecting that, you've fallen into the trap of unrealistic expectations, and you'll only be disappointed. 

Holiday gatherings are for having lighthearted fun and making good, positive memories.  If a heart to heart connection happens, consider it a bonus.  But don't go into the event expecting anything more than a good time.

Happy holiday gatherings are about spending time with people who share common interests, values, and beliefs.  And if that doesn't happen—which is most of the time—it's about managing to enjoy the day and company as best as you can.  In a worst case scenario, it's about keeping the peace (and your peace) for as long as you and these spiritual, mental, and emotional strangers spend time together.

Not everyone is blessed enough to have a group to gather with.  If you are, but can't stand to be around them, and absolutely, positively can not escape attending the festivities, the prevailing advice is to limit your visits to a couple of hours at a time.  If you've traveled long distance, take breaks to visit friends in the area, or maybe revisit familiar local haunts, or even show your partner or kids where you grew up.  If you don't want to do that, or don't know anyone else in town, maybe you can visit some sort of tourist attraction in the area for a break between bouts with relatives.  Or you can offer to be the gofer who runs errands.  Somebody always needs something they forgot to bring at these things.  Offer to fetch it, and use the time to regroup.  If you're not from the area, just take a walk or a drive to explore the surroundings and clear your head.  What is it with people acting as if there's something wrong with wanting to spend more than a few minutes alone?  Could it be they envy your independence? Wish they could break away from the herd as well?  Think about it.

If you have no relatives nearby, find some friends and start your own traditions. Traditions are important, but creating new traditions can be equally important.  Families no longer look the same as they did in the past--we've got single moms and dads, same sex moms and dads, bi-racial couples and children, adopted children, foster children, blended families, events where all parties and their current significant other show up, presumably for the sake of the kids—so why should family events always be the same?  Consider incorporating something new into the mix.  Maybe you can all go to church together, or to a restaurant for dinner, or to a movie or bowling after your meal.  Mix up the traditional menu but try adding something new.  Maybe even ditch the whole thing and have a theme party.

Or maybe you can agree to go to the big family shindig only every other year, or only participate on alternate holidays.  Spend one any way you want to, (whether it be by staying home or planning a ski chalet weekend) and the next by attending a family gathering.  Or schedule the family event at a different time than the true holiday.  Think of all the stress you'll avoid, not scrambling out there with all the other holiday travelers. 

But don't go at all if you know the event will only bring more pain and destruction to yourself and the family.  Family gathering time is not the time to resolve family issues, conflicts, or make major family decisions.  The discussion about your cousin's financial woes or addiction or whether or how to move someone into assisted living is NOT one you want to have at a holiday gathering.  Ditto details about selling, renting, or discarding family property.  True, it may be the only time you are all together, but the holiday celebration itself is NOT the forum for such undertakings.  Those require a separate family meeting.

Just as the holidays are stressful for all of us, most of these suggestions could apply to anyone.  To specifically address your PMDD, I'd have to return to the line of "coming to the table well-rested and healthy, comfortable and caring."  If you are feeling none of these things on the date of the event, then you are not wrong in wanting to cancel, and if you do, please do not feel guilty or accept any blame for doing so.  Would you stay home if you had the flu?  Negative moods are just as contagious and can ruin a party just as easily.

Feeling guilt and accepting blame only escalate your PMDD symptoms.  By staying away from the event, you are protecting both the event and taking care of yourself.  Nothing in this world is more important than seeing to your own health and well-being.  Especially when it comes to your mental health.

Because if you don't care enough about yourself to take care of you, believe me, nobody else will either.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. Both are available in ebook from Amazon and Smashwords (Kobo, ibooks, Nook, and Overdrive), and in print from Amazon, and the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders, or IAPMD.  For more information, please check out Liana's Facebook Page, Living with PMDD.

The Voices of PMDD, A Guest Post by Alice

I have a demon living in my head, and it is a part of me. There are two of me existing in the same space. We share the same face, the same experiences and the same memories, yet one half of me is a rational and pleasant person to be around, and the other is living a crazy, illogical and chaotic existence. 

The sensible and sane version of me feels weak and small, and powerless to resist the overwhelming and destructive demon that can only be caged for 10 days of the month.

I have a fear that builds within me on day 8 of my cycle. I sit and wait for the demon to come crawling into my headspace and start making a mockery of me. The moment I open my eyes of day 10, the paranoia starts rumbling in my solar plexus. It starts as a vibration, then rumbles into a deep thunder roll, before bringing a brain fog down over my eyes. My ears are open, but I cannot hear. My eyes are open, but I am blind. My hands are strong, but my body is weak.  I am aware of this happening to me, but I have been removed from my body and I am watching myself from above. I am screaming at myself to stop, breathe and take heed, but I cannot make myself hear. I begin to live the next two and a half weeks behind a think pane of frosted glass. I see and hear the evil bubbling up in my throat, ready to come blurting out. Some days I can gather my strength and control the demon and suppress it, but others I am overpowered and subdued.

When the demon is released, I feel it creeping out the crown of my head. I feel a cold, slimy gel like substance slide down over my face. My eyes get heavy. The muscles in my face drop, and feel sad. The corners of my mouth droop, and the tone is lost in my neck. My eyelids are heavy and downcast, and my soul retreats. My shoulders slump, and I become a hunched shell of a woman. My breathing slows and my abdomen tenses and flops at the same time. My legs are heavy and my shoes feel like they have lead soles.

Then the anger sets it. The demon steps into my shoes and grows tall. It stretches its limbs and cracks its knuckles ready for battle. It starts to look for a fight. The anger simmers in my chest, using my heart as a power source. I feel it spreading out. A burning rage runs through my veins. A chemical fuelled fire that burns so hot. I am now in the cage. I cannot get free. I watch this demon take over my body. I scream, shout, and destroy everyone and everything around me. I hit myself and slap my face. I scratch myself and tell myself I am stupid, pathetic and don’t deserve to exist. I am evil and utterly disgusting. I hate myself. I am a vile creature, not worthy of love, not worthy of being called a person, not worthy of life. I wish that I had the courage to end it all, but I don’t really want to die. I just want to be free.

I collapse in a heap, exhausted. My life is in tatters around me. I have told my husband to leave and have cried and begged for forgiveness. I want him to touch me and then I want him to hurt me and then I want to be alone.

The next day finally arrives and I am so exhausted I cannot move. The demon is sleeping. For now. I hurt. Every muscle and joint in my body is excruciating. My pelvis is mobile and I can feel each bone grinding. Every step is an effort. I cannot think how I will make it through the day. I force myself out of bed because if I don’t I never will. I feel like my back will split open and my hips will fall out of their sockets.

I am riddled with guilt.  I hate myself and am filled is embarrassment and disgrace. I have humiliated myself and all of those around me by seeking to destroy every relationship that is there to protect me. I have spat in the face of love and kicked it when it was down. I deserve to be in the gutter. I did not deserve to wake up today. Everyone would be better off if I had never opened my eyes again. The demon would be dead. I would be gone from everyone’s life. Their suffering would be over. My pain would end. I no longer have the strength to think about this anymore, so I allow the brain fog to be my shield.

I spend the day trying to apologise, but each time I do it becomes less and less valid and more meaningless. I am a liability. I cannot be relied upon to be stable. I scared my husband, my one true love. I made a mockery of our marriage.

Then the cravings start. I have to have food! I don’t care what food, but it must be now and it must be good. The pain in my stomach is unbearable. It feels like I haven’t eaten for a month. I could cut off my arm and eat it. I need sugar. I need carbs. I need starchy and stodgy food. Give it to me now or I will kill you!

I know I should do the washing up, clean the bathroom, vacuum the house, wash my hair, brush my teeth and change my underwear. But I do not care. I cannot move off the sofa. I will do it another day. I will do it later. Anything but do it now.  I try to overcome this lethargy by writing a list, but I get distracted, I get tired, I get frustrated. I panic. I freeze. I cannot breathe. My heart will explode. I am going to die if I do not hide under the blanket and suck my thumb.

I go to bed. The tears roll down my face. They are warm and soothing. The demon runs over me and claims me for its own. The sobbing is uncontrollable but feels so good. I sleep.

I wait for my period to come. I wait for the release. The flow of blood that drains my anger, drains my anxiety, my despair and my hatred from my body. I am cleansed. I am released from my cage.  The walls of my cage are stripped away as my womb cries with relief. I can breathe fresh air. I can feel the touch of my husband. I can laugh again.

The demon is a hot, fierce animal that lives within me. Only it is me. I am the demon. My greatest fear is that this will always be a part of me. I fear that I will fight this demon until I take my last breath. I fear that it will take away everything that is precious to me and leave me a shadow of the woman I could be. I will not let it win. I cannot let it win. This is not who I was born to be. I can be great, I can be wonderful, I can be beautiful.

I have PMDD, it does not have me. I am beautiful. One day I will believe this.