PMDD Wisdom for the Holidays and Beyond

I received two excellent comments from readers this week, both of them spot on, and rather than leave this straightforward wisdom buried in the comments section at the end of an older post, I thought I'd bring it front and center for your consideration.  Please keep these comments in mind as we move into the craziest and most emotion-filled time of the year, and may your next six weeks be filled with more peace and understanding because of it:

Here’s some advice for anybody who lives with a woman experiencing PMDD from somebody who has it herself: If you suddenly find that the woman you live with is irritable, seems distant, or has actually left to be by herself, leave her alone! She’s not mad at you, you didn’t do anything wrong. If you follow her around, touch her, stare at her, and ask her questions when all she needs is to be by herself for a bit, you’re going to piss her off. Look at the calendar. Is she premenstrual? Yes? Then that is your explanation for her behavior. She doesn’t need to explain it to you every month. She doesn’t want to talk about it. This is super predictable, guys. I know you may see her not feeling well and worry about her and your natural reaction is to touch and comfort and find out what’s wrong. For the love of all that is holy, just leave her alone. She can’t control how she feels and she doesn’t like it either. Don’t make it worse. She most likely already feels terrible you have to deal with her. :(  ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

Guys. I’m a wife. I’m a mom. I have PMDD. I get how you would think that if your wife/girlfriend can keep it together at work that you would think you are not her top priority. But, consider this. What if she is a mess around you because you and your kids are everything to her? Think about it. Work is important, but it’s just a job. Friends are important, but they are just friends. Wanting to be a good wife and mom is everything to most women I know. Personally, I find it challenging, if not impossible, to be a good wife and a good mom at the same time. Both roles require completely different demands. This is stressful. So then, take into account that when your wife is premenstrual, she has lost her ability to cope. She’s so stressed out and so overwhelmed she cannot deal with anything. It’s upsetting when the toast is taking too long to pop up let alone the child who is screaming because she said he can’t play with the electrical cords. So, it’s hard. We care so much about being a good wife and mom, that when we can’t be, we feel incredible guilt. We are incapable of being loving, fun and efficient all time and feel so bad about it that we think you and the kids would be better off without us. These feelings can affect us physically to the point that we can’t fulfill any of our roles. If we didn’t care about being a good wife and mom, it wouldn’t stress us out. When we’re premenstrual, we can’t handle the stress.
If that’s not the case with your wife, there’s another explanation. If she’s at work all day and comes home to you and the kids at night, that means she has spent the whole day trying so hard to not be a monster. This is exhausting. There is so much she wants to do and say, but she can’t. She holds it in. Coming home to the demands of being a wife and mom put her over the top, she has nothing left. She just can’t deal with it anymore. It’s not that you aren’t her top priority, it’s that when she has time with you, she literally has nothing left to offer.
Another reason would be that work is validating for her. She's probably good at what she does, and she gets a paycheck for it. There's a reward and purpose and it feels good to be a good employee. There is not much that makes you feel good about being a wife and mom. If the house is messy, you don't know what to make for dinner, dinner sucks, laundry isn't done, etc., it's easy to feel like a subpar wife. If your 3 year old isn't potty trained, your 15 year old doesn't know how to load a dishwasher, your kids watch too much t.v., your kids eat nothing but junk, your kids fight, your kids don't obey, you forgot your tooth fairy duties, etc., it's easy to feel like a failure as a mom. It's not hard to feel inadequate at home. Maybe the "needed benefit" for her going to work is that she feels good about herself the 8 hours she's there, and that 8 hours is what gets her through the other 16 every day.
There you have three explanations. I hope this gives you insight on what you’re wife might be thinking. We’re all different, but it was sad for me to hear you think you’re not a priority or of less importance to your wife because for me, it’s the opposite. It’s the anger and frustration and questioning of our love for you that gets us stuck in depression. Try responding to her with love. If she comes home from work a crazy angry person, or if you come home from work and she’s clearly irritable, that would be a good time for you to say, “Kids, Mom doesn’t feel well. Come to me for everything you need. Let’s clean up your toys, I’ll help with homework, I’ll feed you dinner, I’ll give you baths, I’ll put you to bed.” Just try it. See how much sooner she feels better. She needs to know you love her even though she’s having a bad day. I know it’s a lot of work to do everything at home after you’ve worked so hard all day, but contemplate this: If you get divorced or she kills herself, which is something women with PMDD think of often, you’re going to be doing everything every day anyway for the rest of time. ~Anonymous comment on my post, Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

Relationships - Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

So last week I said Relationships Begin With You, and that is true. The most important thing of all for a PMDD woman is to have a good relationship with yourself. Obviously I have a good relationship with myself, or I wouldn’t be here, boldly putting myself out there for all the world to read about. I like myself, I enjoy my own company. I’ve learned how to listen to myself, in good times and bad.
One of the best things I’ve learned along the way was that “What you think of me is none of my business.” It’s what I think of me that matters, and as long as I am happy with me, as long as I like and respect myself, that’s what counts.
Surprisingly, adopting this belief didn’t turn me into some self-centered egomaniac. I think that was always my greatest fear…if I put myself first, won't I turn into some kind of monster who doesn’t care about anyone else? Then everybody will really hate me. (Because we all know that PMDD women regularly think everybody hates us.)
I think that’s why I put it off for so long. As women, we’re raised and socialized to put everybody else first. Love means doing for others. It’s how we get love, how we show love, how we determine our worth in the world.
Or at least that’s what we’re raised to believe. But the Bible says to love your neighbor as yourself. Here is a link to an excellent blog post on the subject, one that includes eight specific quotes from the Bible that say to love your neighbor as yourself. I am a woman of faith, but my purpose here is not to preach, so I’ll leave that to others....
But to me, to love my neighbor as myself means to love others as much as I love myself.
Not more, not less.
So to do that, I have to love myself first.
Loving yourself is hard when you’re a PMDD woman. You do and say things you regret all the time. We’re conditioned to beat ourselves up when we make mistakes. I’m not sure why this is, because it makes for a lot of miserable people in the world, but the bottom line truth is everybody makes mistakes, not just women with PMDD.
Think about all that energy wasted in beating ourselves up. Think about all the good and positive things we could be doing with our time and energy instead. Think about how much happier your life would be if you simply acknowledged your mistakes, did what you could to make amends, accepted that you'd done your best with the information you had at the time, and then got on with your life.
Just think about it for a minute. Can you imagine how different your life would be?
So the first step to loving yourself, is to accept yourself as you are, right here and now. Are you in the middle of a bad episode, or are you doing well today? Is your day just so-so? That’s fine, too. Start right where you are. If you’re having a bad day, what can you do right now to make your day a little better? Take a nap? Call a friend? Eat some chocolate? Read a book? Watch a movie? Make a cup of tea and just sit there feeling miserable for a while? Then go ahead and DO it.
Nobody says you have to be happy all the time. There is nobody on this planet who is happy all the time. And there’s nothing wrong with giving yourself a little down time, a little pampering, to help you get back on your feet again.
I have a real dislike for taking drugs. Any kind of drug. I’m all about natural health and healing. I’m especially against the unnecessary use of pain pills and anti-depressants. But a friend once explained it to me this way: When you’re in constant pain, when your body has gone haywire and is sending an uninterrupted stream of “I hurt” and “I feel miserable” signals to your brain, then what is the harm in taking an occasional pill to chemically interrupt that endless loop of biochemical messages running through your body? What's wrong with giving your body a little period of pain-free space to figuratively take a deep breath and have a chance to recover itself from that endless stream of pain messages circulating through your system?
Along those same lines, if your pain is mental, as well as physical, then what is the harm in briefly taking an anti-depressant to stop the endless loop of negative thoughts running through your brain? Just long enough to get you back on your feet again.
In the case of a PMDD woman, certain anti-depressants have been clinically proven to provide relief within hours in 60% of the women who take them during an episode of PMDD. But you only need to take them while you’re having an episode. (That’s the part the drug companies don’t tell you.) For some reason, even though anti-depressants usually take several weeks to kick in for the truly depressed, these same anti-depressants can act quickly in the case of a woman simply having an episode of PMDD (although there’s nothing simple about an episode of PMDD).
So, in the case of chronic physical pain, taking a pain pill can give you small break in your constant misery. Just enough time for you to catch your breath and remember what it feels like to feel good again, and marshal your resources for the next wave of pain.
In the case of mental pain, if you’re one of the 60%, a SSRI anti-depressant can give you a quick break from that endless loop of negative thoughts in your head.
In the case of emotional pain, talking to someone, or pampering yourself in some way—listening to music, stroking a pet, reading a book, taking a walk, making a cup of tea—can give you that same little space between the endless loop of emotional pain you are feeling.
Spiritual pain—read a book, watch a program, listen to a tape, or go to a place of worship and spend some time in silent contemplation. Just you and your maker. Quiet time with the spirit that lives inside you.
That’s what’s known as being good to yourself. Whichever of these areas is calling out to you the loudest, start there. Baby steps. Take time out to get a handle on your pain, be it physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. If you don’t do it, nobody’s going to do it for you.
Because you’re the only person who knows what is going on inside you. You’re the only person who knows just how hard it is to be you.
Especially on the days when you are not feeling like you.
So loving yourself comes from taking care of yourself. From listening to yourself and attending to your own needs. The more you do this, surprisingly enough, the less selfish you will become, because along the way, you manage to develop empathy, and realize you’re not as alone in your pain as you thought you were.
That’s when friends come in, and that’s what I’ll talk about next week. Finding supportive friends, being it on line or in your own neighborhood.
Until then, be blessed, and find just one way each day to be good to yourself. You’d do it for a friend or loved one. Why not for yourself?
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

Overcoming Your PMDD Starts With Being Good To Yourself

I am a work in progress. One thing I have that a lot of people don’t have, or don’t make the time for, is self-awareness. I’ve been digging into this PMDD thing for so long that I’ve finally learned how to separate my real self from my PMDD self. How do I do this? I’m constantly checking in with myself to see how I am feeling, and trying to determine the reasons for why I am feeling the way I am—if it could possibly be my PMDD (based on where I am in my cycle) or if it’s something else.

In doing this, I’ve learned I’m super sensitive to just about everything I eat, drink, and breathe in. For instance, yesterday I went to get my hair cut. This morning I woke up with a sore throat and congested cough. Am I coming down with something? No. It’s a reaction to all the chemicals I inhaled while getting my hair cut. All I have to do is drink plenty of fluids today and I will be fine.

So I’m constantly weighing, measuring, sifting, adjusting. If I feel a little off, I ask myself—what’s new? What did I do differently today or yesterday? Where did I go that I don’t usually go? What did I eat or drink that I don’t usually eat or drink? What stresses did I encounter that I don’t usually encounter?

By constantly doing this, I’m able to detect patterns, and learn what (and who) to avoid. For instance, just going to church gets my sinuses flowing. I can smell the cloud of perfume ten feet away from the front door. The same thing can happen in restaurants, theatres, sporting or music events. This doesn’t mean I don’t go to those things. It just means I’m aware of what can happen, and if I feel a little funky afterwards, I know why.

I’m determined to live my life drug free. Because I feel this way, even taking two ibuprofen affects me as much as say, taking a narcotic painkiller would affect someone who isn’t used to it. Oddly enough, since the birth of my son--a major hormonal event--anything I take that is supposed to make me drowsy tends to have the opposite effect. I can’t take decongestants at all. Narcotics, like Tylenol with codeine, forget it. I’ll be up all night.

I’ve gotten so sensitive that even certain foods affect me strangely. It sounds crazy, I know, but what’s really happening is just a strong bio-chemical reaction that when processed in my brain affects my moods. So what is a natural physiological reaction to a substance, because of the imbalance in my hormones, manifests itself as a mood symptom. This can include irritability, weepiness, anxiety, lethargy, depression, or even euphoria.

I believe there are many women out there just like me. Women who perhaps aren’t blessed with the time and opportunities I have had to really sit down and be still long enough to try and figure out just what in the world is going on in their bodies and brains. We live in such busy times, running from one commitment to another, taking care of the loved ones in our lives, conditioned by our culture, society, and religious beliefs to serve others and place our own selves last.

This drastically affects our health and well-being, but since we are so busy all the time, we don’t have the time (or energy) to figure out what’s wrong, why we are feeling so out of kilter, maybe even miserable most of the time. And then our cycle kicks in, with our PMDD, and everything really goes haywire. We scream, we yell, we snap, and have wild mood swings. We lash out at loved ones and coworkers and store clerks and other drivers, and then, if we haven’t found a way or two to numb our conscience, we feel badly about our behavior and find ways to beat ourselves up and/or try to make amends if we can. We spend so much time trying to make it right with people, or beating ourselves up and engaging in even more destructive behavior, that we get even further run down and behind.

And then the cycle begins again. So we look for quick fixes, anything that will keep us in motion, fulfilling our commitments and obligations, keep us awake and moving long enough to get everything we need to get done in any given day done before we crash in front of the TV or into bed, exhausted, grateful that another day has ended and we have somehow survived.

It’s no way to live. So several years ago I made the effort to strip my life down to what’s important to me, and just focus on that. One of those things was my physical health and well-being. I figured if I could just take care of that—the rest of it would take care of itself.

Little did I know how difficult just doing that would be. It’s no wonder more people don’t take time out to do the same.

But I’m a persistent soul, and determined to figure this thing out. What I present here are things I have learned along the way. They might apply to you, they might not. Every woman is different, and due to her menstrual cycle, every woman is just a little bit different every day. That makes us mysterious and exciting, not bitchy and crazy. That makes us worth taking the time to get to know.

I’d like to take the time to get to know you, to hear your story, and find out what works and doesn’t work for you. I’d like to share those stories here and try to find common ground so that we can help each other to feel better if we can.

It can be done. It’s just that the information out there is so confusing and so conflicting. And we’re all so busy. It would be heaven if we could just Google PMDD and get the answers we need, find the quick fix, and get on with our lives.

But it doesn’t work that way. The first step, I have found, is to take the time to get to know yourself, physically, mentally, and emotionally. Emotionally, because you have to know what emotions are being caused by your PMDD, and what emotions are normal and natural for you to be feeling. Contrary to popular belief, women are allowed to get upset, become irritated, annoyed, and angry. It doesn’t always have to be PMS or PMDD causing it, and we shouldn’t have to put up with snide comments about it being “that” time again, every time someone doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain and we express our disappointment in that.

It’s about accountability, and knowing yourself enough to know when it’s your fault, and when it’s not. I don’t know about you, but I’m not interested in taking the blame for things that aren’t of my doing. I make enough mistakes on my own, without that added burden, thank you.

That said, I’ve come to realize that PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse, for why I do the things I do when I’m having an episode, and I still need to be held accountable for those things, to take responsibility for myself and my actions, no matter how badly I may be feeling. It’s up to me, and me alone, to sort out what’s the real me, and what’s my PMDD, and keep the two as separate as I can. You know how you feel like you’re a totally different person when you’re having an episode. You know that’s not you. It takes a lot of strength, determination and willpower to separate the two, and the effort can be exhausting. But it can be done.

For example, the past few weeks I’ve been feeling just plain blah. No energy, no willpower, no motivation. I wondered if it was my PMDD, just come to roost for a while, but no, PMDD comes in cycles. This had to be something else. My thoughts were validated when my PMDD did arrive, and whew! It was like the difference between night and day. For just a couple of days, I sank into that abyss, and knew the difference. Clearly, on those other days, there was something missing in my diet that needed to be boosted…what that is I’m still sorting out, but I now know that lethargy is not my PMDD.

But I also know my PMDD is not me. And so I’ve learned to separate the two, and set the PMDD aside when it comes. I know it’s there, and it would very much like to take over and run (ruin) my day, but I won’t let it. I acknowledge that it’s present, and that I’m not crazy, and I warn my loved ones that I’m having a bad day and it has nothing to do with them, but it would be best to avoid me for a day or two.

With that in place, I go about my business, and get as much done as my energy level allows. If I need to take a nap, I do it. If I need some quiet time, I take it. If I need to eat some carbs…I do it. Guilt-free. That’s the key. Never feel guilty about taking time to care for yourself. Would you feel guilty about taking care of someone else? Then why don’t you deserve as much care and comfort as they do?

I listen to my body and give it what it needs, without giving in to the wild emotional swings that wait in the wings, and without giving any air time at all to the negative thoughts swirling in my brain. That’s just my PMDD talking, I tell myself, and I refuse to listen to it.

So the next time it happens to you, give it a shot. Just take a deep breath and refuse to give in. You are stronger than your PMDD, and it’s time you let your PMDD know it. You can channel your rage and anxiety and depression into strength and calm and control with simple awareness and practice. It won’t be easy, not at first. It’s a lot easier to just give in and go with the flow. But where has that gotten you?

Think about it, and you’ll know.

Any time you’re feeling out of control, just go to any number of PMDD sites and vent. We know. We care. We understand. We won’t take it personally. We’ll help you through it…because really, we know all you want to do is vent and be heard.

And then, maybe, while you’re visiting one of the message boards, or blogs, you’ll come across a bit of info that makes the next time a little easier to handle.

Baby steps, is all I can say. Be good to yourself, and things will get better. I promise.