PMDD and Your Brain

A while ago, I read the book Women’s Moods: What Every Woman Must Know about Hormones, the Brain, and Emotional Health. It was a great book about overall hormonal health and described how hormonal issues are physiological occurrences in the brain that manifest as emotional behavior, because the hormones involved affect the areas of the brain that regulate our emotions.

On the one hand, I wished I’d read this book years earlier than I did, as it was first published in 1999. On the other, I’m glad I didn’t. While the authors completely explain the devastating effects women's hormones can have on your emotional life, they are firmly in the camp of using medication to treat these brain disorders that affect women throughout our reproductive years.

That’s fine if you want to go that route, but there are other options available now to women who suffer from hormonal issues. In 1999, these options were given a cursory mention and dismissed. Which means if I’d read the book any earlier than I did, I would have come to the conclusion that there was no alternative to my PMDD, short of medication.

That, for me, would have been very depressing indeed.

I know there are millions of women out there who have severe hormonal issues that may well require medication to control them—notice I say control them—not manage them. Me, I manage my symptoms through nutrition and exercise and positive lifestyle choices. If I took medication I wouldn’t need to be so vigilant about my health—the medication would theoretically handle the problem for me. But in my case, with the PMDD, I can’t see taking medication every day for something that only occurs a few days a month.

Still, there are days when the thought of it tempts me. But most days it does not.

As I said, to have read this book any earlier would have been devastating for me. Because the authors insist over and over that without treatment, your hormonal issues will only get worse. That there is no light at the end of the tunnel without treatment—this is absolutely true--but their treatment of choice is not mine.

That aside, I was able to read the book and learn much about the causes of hormonal issues and how and why these issues can and do get worse later in life without some type of intervention.

Hormonal issues are a very serious and practically rampant problem for women. Yet some days it seems like the only people paying any attention to us are those who can profit from our condition(s). Most of the information women receive regarding "hormonal imbalances" (a term I take exception to) comes from companies whose drugs have been approved for treatment of these "imbalances."

We need more than to be told a certain medication (or two, or three) can solve  our problems. We need to understand the underlying causes of our hormonal issues and find ways to heal ourselves from within and prevent the need for chemical solutions. We need to understand the unique female brain/body connection and how it makes us vulnerable to mood problems at the most challenging times in our lives. Puberty, pregnancy, post-partum, peri-menopause, menopause, and post menopause.

Every time you have a child, your hormones undergo an enormous amount of stress, and yet society acts as if there’s nothing to it. Life goes on and you cope.

But what happens when your ability to cope fails you? What happens when, as these authors aptly describe it, you have an internal “earthquake” and mood disorders erupt?

All this attention is given to heart health, but brain health is equally important. We need to learn to care for our brain as diligently as we do our heart. Not only the heart can be compromised by a woman’s genetic make up, life experiences, and stress load, but so can the brain.

If our brain doesn’t work right, we don’t work right, and all sorts of life-chaos can happen. No amount of "being strong" or "powering through" is going to re-regulate a brain that has gone askew. It just isn’t going to happen.

The way this book and many others describe it, our brains have neurological pathways that become worn over time like ruts in a road. When any situation arises, our brains immediately locate the memory of how we dealt with that situation in the past, so that we can effectively do so again. And each time we deal with that situation again, a new pathway is created over the old pathway.

This works fine if your brain is healthy, or operating at optimum level. But what if your brain is not? Then your brain is creating new pathways over damaged roads, and only more damage ensues.

Genetics plays a factor in this, of course, but so do your thought processes. In short, how we deal with stress affects our hormones, which in turn affects our brain. This stress can come from any and all sources, trauma from an accident or abuse, be it physical, emotional, sexual, mental, spiritual, financial, you name it, or from naturally occurring life events such as birth, death, marriage, divorce, loss of a job or health or relationship, to name just a few.

When your hormones are doing what they should, your body deals with these stresses in a normal and healthy way. When your hormones are compromised, your body and brain do not. Little stresses can be magnified into big stresses, completely out of proportion to the situation. When your hormones are compromised and your brain is dysregulated, you can feel like you are under attack 24/7. Your brain makes no distinction between the threat of an oncoming car or someone who simply disagrees with your point of view. Both, to your dysregulated brain, are threats to your very existence.

It’s not logical, in fact it is completely irrational, but that’s what it is. Your dysregulated brain is not properly processing the threat.

This is why women with mood disorders like PMDD or even simple hormonal fluctuations seem so irrational at times.

But we’re not crazy, or imbalanced--far from it. Rather, something has compromised our hormonal system, something that has yet to be scientifically identified and verified, something we have no more control over than we do an allergic reaction.

This is not to say there is nothing we can do to prevent our hormonal eruptions.  We all know that once one begins, it is unstoppable, because the PMDD brain is out to win at all costs.  But there are ways to minimize our eruptions, and this blog* is full of tips for that.  If you're looking for the information all in one place, try my book, PMDD and Relationships, or, for the supportive partner, PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.   Both are based on the posts in this blog.

*Use the search box at the top of the page to locate topics you are interested in reading more about.  Type in the subject, and if I have written anything about it, a list of posts will appear.  This will save you a lot of time spent scrolling past stuff you're not interested in.

Living with PMDD - Realize, Relief, Repeat

REALIZE, RELIEF, REPEAT
[Living With PMDD]
By: Danni Hanna
When you REALIZE it’s time, it’s already too late
Being engulfed in its flame is always your fate
Depression sets in.. in its bi monthly routine
Next comes the anxiety and the fatigue
Panic attacks make their appearance
And the joys in life make their disappearance
Suicidal thoughts fill your brain
But you know soon enough you’ll be off this train
The train runs on an endless track
Circling, circling, circling back
Exercise, medication, eating right
Won’t help you win this fight
Two weeks free, two weeks trapped
Two separate identities on constant relapse
One identity starving for control
The other is on an easy stroll
Career and relationship changes fill the void of sleepless nights
But freedom is coming into sight
The day of RELIEF has arrived
As per usual, right on time
An exchange of pain occurs in an instant
From mental to physical, it’s always consistent
Anxiety and depression leave your side
Feelings of comfort and amusement fill your mind
Quickly forgetting the two weeks of hell
You become trapped within its spell
You never seek help
Because this is the best you’ve ever felt
Unaware you’re still riding the train
Two weeks pass by and the hormones enter your brain
Once again the exchange has been made
Those joyous feelings briskly fade
So go ahead and take a seat
The journey of this train is about to REPEAT

PMDD Symptom Play by Play Number 2

The following guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

I did promise to write another PMDD symptom play by play, and since my symptoms just kicked in today, I thought now would be as good a time as any to bare my "hormotional" soul. This isn't easy. In fact, it sucks. It's dreadfully intimate, questionably revealing, and even harder to admit. But I am committing. So here we go...

8 Days Out

So what changed in me that I knew that symptoms had kicked in anyway? Well, I felt constipated and bloated today (first time since last cycle), I started pulling my hair out (not intentionally...my fingers just go to my hair and when I pull them away, my hair follows!), and most importantly, I feel just plain flippin' irritated for no extraordinary reason about EVERYTHING. I feel somewhat hair-triggerable, if you will. So I'm starting to avoid the things that trigger me (being everything, meaning isolated myself). I have to add that this month has been an incredibly stressful one already with plenty of relationship tensions. I was already irritable, but it felt different than it does today. I wish I could explain it. There is an accompanying intolerance now that wasn't there before...an inability to censor. My diplomacy skills are fading. Many say that PMDD magnifies what is already there. If that's true, this month ought to be a "real blast".

7 Days Out

I just flipped out over my husband saying, "don't worry", when I couldn't find how to reverse an action he told me to take in some software, messing up my work view. I did warn him my symptoms were coming on.

So are men really that stupid? Don't ever effing tell me how to feel! And certainly DO NOT belittle my frustrations with your petty sentiments of projection. YOU "don't worry"! I'm frustrated. Deal with it! Ouch! Okay, last two nights...a touch of insomnia. Today, RAGE! I think I could pick up this 20-ton glass desk and hurl it out the window like it was made of cardboard! There is a jittery tension just underneath my skin accompanied by an overwhelming desire to be alone in the house...for the rest of my life. I have ghost cramps too. That's what I call cramps that arrive before my period.

6 Days Out

6 days? I don't know if I can last another six days. Today was rough. I cried this morning. I cried this afternoon. I cried tonight. I'm feeling incredibly insecure, let down by and estranged from everyone in my life, anxious, grumpy, and deeply sad. I have wished that I would simply die. Since that's unlikely, I just vegetate with Netflix until bedtime with grateful anticipation of the total unconsciousness it brings...and hope I never wake up.

5 Days Out

Didn't sleep well last night, ironically. In fact, I was ruminating in a way that only comes on with PMDD...a hateful, angry way. I swear, I don't know where this shit comes from. I seem to manufacture it in spite of my desire for peace. Each time I woke in the night, I pounded my pillow and cursed bitterly. This morning, I did my best to isolate myself. I tried to be on my best behavior too, bearing in mind today's best bore more resemblance to a caged animal than to a somewhat decent human. Despite my PMDD Tourette's, a lovely symptom where pure shit just gushes from my lips, I managed to hold-back on some of my impulses to push and stomp. With every bite of my tongue, a part of me celebrated the tiny victory (quite alone...as it was evident to no one but me) while in the next moment I was unbridled...judging, criticizing, blaming, fed up with the same old crap...emotionally abusing my husband while at the same time hearing in some vague and distant background all the kinder things I wish I was saying instead. They were too remote for access. They were a distant land. I wanted to run to my room, to be safe, to protect not only myself but him--the only measure I have at my disposal...isolation. It was too late. His deepest wounds were activated, his own mind becoming the same enemy mine had become to me. It would seem PMDD can be contagious, even without the hormones. My husband reacted and in turn became the emotional abuser, taunting me, drilling me, pressing me, driving me to tears with his own screams of how crazy I am, how uncaring, how hopeless, telling me nothing my PMDD mind hasn't already been telling me, but reinforcing it in a way that broke and battered my already damaged spirit. He threatened me...with quitting, with walking out. He's promised that so many times, and today, I wish he'd follow through. That same distant part of me was proud of him for speaking up for himself in the only way he knew how...not for how he did it, though. How he did it hurt. I must admit today, I had suicidal thoughts. I had world-destroying thoughts. And I cried and heaved, shook and crouched in a corner, desperate to be free of this storm inside of me and the external manifestations of it. Emotionally spent, I listened to a looping recording of a mantra about 20 times which calmed my suspiciously empty mind. I can't believe I'm writing this.

4 Days Out

After yesterday, I'm really emotionally exhausted and kind of blank. I've lost a day. I thought it was Thursday but it's only Wednesday. That's been happening a lot, but I don't relate it to PMDD. It's living in the middle of nowhere! There's nothing I want to do...or feel or think. Despite needing some groceries, I can't make myself go. I feel like the remnants of a bird that has burned in flames but has yet to arise once more from the ashes. I continue my deluge of mantra listening. And I eat chocolate. I know my situation is complex. I have many marks against me right now. To be honest, I probably have some form of PTSD after two years of the worst stress of my life which I admit at least half of it I took on willingly, arrogantly even, in addition to being peri-menopausal and PMDD. I also have no grounding, having moved to a foreign country where I cannot speak the language and where my support network is still fairly non-existent. I had a massage therapist when I could afford her, and now, I have a talk therapist who I will have my first session with tomorrow (Thursday. Not today, Wednesday.) It's a trade-off. There's the recent passing of my mother, too. It's a lot to cope with. Add "relationshit" to the mix, and it's tough to tease apart the symptoms of PMDD from the disaster that is my life. So everything just swirls together into a big complicated mess. Charting saves the day and preserves what little sanity I have left by revealing an intensity of symptoms at certain times of the month. I will persevere. I am resilient. I am determined, too. And in moments, I am remembering who I am.

3 Days Out

This morning, every bone hurts. It was very difficult to get myself up and moving. I would love a massage, but I don't have the funds for one. Yin yoga will have to suffice. My symptoms were less today, which historically, has happened...things can actually mellow before the actual onset of my period. Although, usually without fail, I blow out the day before. We'll soon know...

2 Days Out

Last night, I slept 12 hours!! Pretty typical right before. My dreams were very bizarre. My hair continues to fall, and I had ghost cramps again. Another thing that's started today is a weird head-to-toe itchiness; I've heard other women complain of this too, so I'm no longer surprised. When provoked earlier, I quite easily lost my cool outwardly, but overall, in my head, I feel more stable today, so I'd have to relate any emotional symptoms to other things in my life and not necessarily PMDD. Or maybe I'll start early. The cramps are a good indication I might.

1 Day Out

Surprise! Guess what's here, sparing me an extra day of misery and uncertainty? How am I feeling? The first thing I noticed was the intense ache from head to toe as I pulled myself out of bed at a fairly human time of day. I feel about 20 years older in body. Add a headache and the typical cramping in my lower gut, too. But I can handle the physical symptoms; they are kind of a joy after the week I've had. Emotionally, I feel tentative (as the rest of my life is still incredibly challenging). But I don't feel that uncontrollable sense of building blood-level tension that prompts me to catastrophize and explode (not that I couldn't given the right stimulus...but that I don't feel that "hair-trigger" thing). My mind is also quieter. When I woke this morning, from a dream about pastries and cookies, my first thought wasn't "Oh, fuck, I'm still here; shit, shit, shit!", it was more like, "I'm up." There was no punching of pillows or immediate tears. How do I explain it? It's like an equilibrium, a balancing out. A relief! So can I count on a few days of relief? Or will something fluctuate and turn me mental again? Sometimes, on day 5 or 6, I rebound into "crazy-land" for a day. Sometimes, I'm okay until I ovulate. It's difficult not knowing. It's difficult not knowing, too, whether outside circumstances will inflict traumas that bring the stormy inner waters back to the surface. I hope not. I need some peace. I need some rest. My problems are all still there. My relationship is still falling apart. I still live in the middle of nowhere in a foreign country. I'm still dealing with loss and grief and change of massive proportions and living an unrecognizable life. Somehow, somehow, there's something accessible now that feels like strength, like resilience, like patience, and even serenity. Holy crap! Did I just feel myself smile?

PMDD: Suddenly it All Makes Sense

Now I know why!

I know why two weeks out of every month I am waiting to feel like myself again. I know why for two weeks I suddenly don’t give a crap about anything I was excited or cared about in the weeks before. I know why I feel contempt for everyone and everything when I recently felt so in love with it all. I know why I suddenly doubt my abilities and talents. I know why I isolate myself on certain days…when I just know I’m not going to be able to accomplish the simplest of tasks without getting irritated or downright angry. I know why I am afraid to schedule anything in advance, lest whatever I have to do falls on a day when I am incapable of behaving reasonably. I know why hateful thoughts become so insistent and pervasive despite the fact that just two weeks ago, I was 100% certain I had finally transcended them all. I know why I can’t stand to be touched, when just last week, I couldn’t get or give enough hugs. I know why I suddenly feel so disconnected from my friends, doubt their friendships, and suddenly want to walk out on my husband.

In my quest to understand, I’ve been given plenty of opinions. I’ve heard some labels, and some I even tried to make fit. But in the end, I knew they didn’t. I knew I wasn’t “bipolar”. I knew I wasn’t “borderline” or “mood disordered” (even though that’s still the involuntary category in which I’m pegged). I knew I wasn’t “just imagining things” either. Nor was it the whole story that I was “just hormonal”. Something inside me had changed in the last couple of years and something was happening throughout my menstrual cycle to make me feel like two completely different people. Only recently, it had gotten much worse.

The Fighting Bell Rings

In one corner: a woman full of radiance and quick to smile. She can be so full of love inside herself to the point of bursting. She is centered and enthusiastic, bright and cheerful, optimistic and strong. She’s not perfect, of course, but she’s so okay with that. She’s on top of her thoughts and more than willing to be alive. She is excited about projects and new ventures…even if they are challenging. Anything seems possible…anything reasonable, that is. (She isn’t about to jump off a building or into traffic.) She believes in an abundant universe and that she has something to offer the world. She enjoys the company of others and lives to laugh, create, and feel gratitude. She would never dream of hurting herself or anyone else. She may have bad days, but she recovers quickly.

In the opposite corner: a bedraggled, wild-haired psycho who has to apply every ounce of her will to not lash out…though she eventually does, usually by imploding on herself or exploding at those closest to her. She is the wily animal who shudders at her own hateful attitude as she mourns the loss of her other self. She is the one who simply CAN’T control anything. She is full of shame for her inability to control herself. After all, hasn’t she learned anything? She cannot forgive or forget. Everything is the end of the world. She stomps to feel she exists, yet the very force of her enraged feelings lifts her off the ground. There is no justice, no joy, no purpose, and no comfort to give or receive. All is bullshit. She isolates to protect herself and others from this “thing” that has overtaken her, but life pokes and prods all the same.

Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now, talks about the pain body in his work which comes close to matching the insane being that shows up in my mirror every month. There’s also this idea in spiritual circles about embracing and integrating the shadow-self. I wholeheartedly agree with the importance of doing that. It’s powerful stuff, but I don’t think it is the whole story for me. Always favoring the holistic over the quick fix, I’ve been exposed to a lot of different teachings in my quest for well-being. But none of them have satisfied this itch under my skin that what I was dealing with wasn’t just some egoist resistance on my part, wasn’t just some weakness in my character, lack of awareness in my being, or deep wounding from childhood . In fact, I have LOADS of awareness and more strength than a lot of people. So, something wasn’t jiving.

Something else is going on. Whatever it is, this pain body feels universal…not personal…yet it attacks in a personal way for sure. It isn’t a permanent state of being but it is one that, when I’m in it, feels like the only state of being I will ever know. Sometimes, it turns on a dime…a cruel word, a task gone wrong, a frustration or irritation that sends ever-widening ripples of tension out into my environment…but, and here’s the key, only at certain times within my cycle.

What I’ve discovered is the term PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Though I don’t agree with a lot of the psychological/medical establishment bullshit (excuse my language…but let’s call it what it is) behind it, it has come closer than anything else I’ve ever encountered to explain what’s been happening increasingly so with me since going through a period of intense and prolonged stress.

I feel like I have to start by saying that I’m not interested in excuses for bad behavior. I’m not looking for a convenient explanation for bouts of anger or anxiety or anything else. I’m not trying to protect my identity as a “got my act together--no problems here” person, nor am I holding my shadow aspects in a closet of denial. I’m not interested in using the label of PMDD to explain away or justify crazy-making, just as I’ve never been interested in the label of “depression” to explain away unexamined pain and the absolutely natural waves of ups and downs that society would rather call a disease than a sign of being human in the world in which we live. What interests me about PMDD is that elements of it actually fit and explains myself to myself.  What fascinates me is that there are other women who feel like I do…that it is a real phenomenon to be examined and explored. It is a real phenomenon to be healed.

I’ve joined a couple of online PMDD groups, and what I’m noticing is that a lot of women feel they have no choice but to treat PMDD with very toxic antidepressants and hormone-related treatments that further disturb the delicate balance of the body. Some even decide to remove a part of their bodies, having hysterectomies, and are overjoyed with the results. I know many women get absolutely ill with vomiting. Why is the newly established “disorder” which was recognized in 2013 seem to be increasingly prevalent? I have my own theories circling around my head…the poisoning of our food supply perhaps or our increasing exposure to radiation and toxins. Who knows?

For me, it is mostly a mood challenge though I also get headaches, stomach aches, sleep disturbance, and other physical manifestations. Nothing like vomiting, thankfully. I feel incredibly blessed by and grateful for the management tools I’ve found that are side-effect free and have a great deal of sympathy for those who are buying into the system of big pharma (whose sole interest is to get everyone on their drugs regardless of whether it actually helps or even does more harm than good) and a patriarchal medical system (with a track-record of locking women away for their complaints). We can be products of the system that would call us “mentally disordered” offering us only what they deem as the answer or we can access inner qualities we can cultivate to cope and turn to more natural therapies until we discover what combination works for us. I know what my choice will always be. And that means that sometimes, I choose to live with a very difficult, very challenging state of being with very little outside assistance at my disposal. So be it.

Not just regarding treatment, PMDD is a hot topic of debate. In addition to being controversial in the medical community, there is, as with all conditions, a lot of general ignorance around PMDD. As I mentioned, it’s only been acknowledged since 2013. Right away, people assume it is PMS with a different name or an excuse for why a woman suddenly gets bitchy, tired or crampy. Or they draw other ill-informed conclusions. One woman made the mistake of sharing her condition with her employer to be told they feared she posed a threat to either herself or coworkers at work. I suspect there are people in their employ at far greater risk of flying off the handle, the ones they’d least suspect. Others are told, even by well-meaning friends, that it is all in the head and are told to chill out or get over it or try some quick fix. Clearly, those who don’t experience it are not in a position to offer advice!

Here’s the thing about PMDD. We may think about bludgeoning judgmental, self-righteous ignoramuses who think they know all the answers, but we tend not to act on it. Good thing, because there are plenty of them around.

Just as I have been (unprofessionally) mislabeled before discovering what is known as PMDD, I am sure there are women ascribing their behavior to PMDD when it truly belongs in another camp altogether. Supposedly, 40% of women who seek treatment for PMDD may have either what is known as PME (premenstrual exacerbation) or even an underlying mood disorder such as bipolar. It’s complicated. Of course, the professionals will continue to debate if any of this is real or not, some kind of anti-female rhetoric or not, or whether it is a mental disorder or not. This just muddies the waters, but what’s to be done? Human beings are intricate and unknowable and this “dis-ease” is extremely complicated because there are so many variables! In the meantime, there are those of us who live the spectrum. There are those of us who know.

Speaking of the spectrum…

There is PMS, the catchall that pertains to the mild, acute fluctuations of mood, irritability, fatigue, appetite changes, and cramping that affect 30 to 80% of menstruating women. It may be uncomfortable, but it is not generally debilitating.

There is PME. This is when a condition from which a woman suffers, such as asthma or an eating disorder, is worsened during PMS. So, PMS disappears after one’s period whereas PME symptoms merely improve.

Now there is PMDD which affects 3-9% of menstruating women. (With a female population of over 3 billion on the planet, 3-9% of those with periods is no small number!) With PMDD, the symptoms associated with PMS become debilitating and can include: depression or hopelessness, anxiousness, irritability, low energy, lack of interest, sleep and focus disturbance, loss of control and feelings of overwhelm, and suicidal thoughts. These symptoms tend to intensify as a woman nears her period and finally begin to abate a few days into her period. Women with PMDD generally feel themselves again for 7 – 10 days after their menses before entering the cycle again.

I’m not crazy about another label…another diagnosis…especially one categorized as a depressive disorder which, to me, shows very little understanding of the scope of symptoms different women have. I’m not crazy about listening to “experts” tell me about myself and never have been. What I am interested in is knowing my own truth for myself, suffering less, finding ways to cope and relate, and living as fully as I can. And I want to help other women reeling with this monthly curse and feeling that they are robbed of half of their lives to do the same.

Do I believe in PMDD? Not as boxed-in psychological babble and checklists, certainly. I’ll never see a doctor for it myself. But it is a condition with which I resonate with unquestionable certainty. I’ve charted my cycles. I know when “the shift” is about to occur. I know when it is over. I know it is linked to my cycle. I know the changes I feel are described by other women who think they have PMDD, too. I know the challenges such changes bring and the impact they have on my life. I know my perspective goes out the window. I know some months are worse than others. And I totally relate to the increasing amplification of symptoms as I near my period and that feeling of complete and utter relief when suddenly the sun is shining again a day into it.

Maybe we need another word for it…one not bound up with so much baloney…one immune to the twisted machinations of men who hate women and women who hate themselves. I don’t know. Here’s what I do know: this is my experience. Maybe it won’t be mine in two years. Maybe it wasn’t mine two year ago. But it is mine now. Bravely facing that self and being open about it with others going through the same experience is crucial. There is power in numbers, and we’ll learn more by exploring this together. If nothing else, maybe the diagnosis of PMDD will simply prove to be a means for women to talk about what being alive as a women today is like for them. That itself is a relief.

Liana's note:  The above guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are featured on this blog. In the meantime, to find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support. 

CIZE Does Matter - A PMDD Exercise Challenge

For todayʼs guest post, please welcome The Healthy Hackress.  Her PMDD thread will be ongoing, and I will be happy to post updates here, but if you don't want to wait for me, please follow her journey with PMDD and exercise either on her Facebook page or blog.  She also has a lot of great ideas for—What else?—healthy hacks!  Well worth checking into, even if you donʼt have PMDD.

Recently I was diagnosed with PMDD. Here is my journey from diagnosis, to treatment and more importantly, how Cize by Shaun T gave me my life back.

According to research, PMDD affects 2-10% of women during their reproductive years. It’s common. Very common – but misdiagnosed and misunderstood. Thousands of women right now feel at a loss and don’t truly understand why they don’t feel “normal” or worse, why their life literally falls apart starting two weeks prior to their cycle. Isolation, fear and shame are all too familiar feelings of women suffering from PMDD. I am one of them. Do these symptoms seem familiar? Is it you or someone you love?

PMDD is a mood-based hormone disorder that is cyclic and reoccurring. Sounds like a death sentence, right? Imagine, every single month you know “ITʼS” coming. You’re not sure why but two weeks prior your cycle you’re all over the place. It's like ADD meets Bi-Polar for a 2 week fling, then they break up…until next month. You’re clingy. You’re crying one minute, screaming the next, then sitting quietly, unsure of WHAT just happened. Feeling a bit like Norman Bates with those “episodes.”

Seriously – that’s PMDD. If you have a significant other and they haven’t left you already (because, PMDD truly affects all relationships) – then you’re lucky. They feel it too – but they don’t understand.

You don’t need to wait for a medical professional to confirm a diagnosis of PMDD – it’s self- diagnosable. You track your symptoms and report to your doctor. This is a great tracker that you can use from The National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder [now known as the Gia Allemand Foundation]. Basically, track how you’re feeling before, during, and after your cycle (anxiety, mood swings, irritability, sleep issues, etc). Your doctor is going to ask you to do this – so, if you go in already prepared you’re that much further ahead. This process took me 10 LONG months. Each month I tracked my symptoms so when I went to the doctor they couldn’t turn me away and just tell me, “Everything is normal.”  If you’re living with someone or have close friends/family – ask them to track for, or along with you. When you’re in “IT” – it’s very difficult to emotionally and mentally report back. Having someone point certain behaviors out can be hard – what I mean is, someone is going to tell you the RIGHT thing at the WRONG time – because, you’re not mentally/emotionally grounded. Try to remember – you NEED to hear it. Their unbiased observation is going to provide necessary data for yourself and doctor when treating YOUR PMDD.

Once I had all my data I made that initial appointment and received confirmation that Yes, “It’s PMDD.ˮ Finally, things fell into place and I could breathe a huge sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t crazy. Finally, someone was listening, and everything I had felt was real & important. I had done my research going in. I knew how PMDD was treated. I had questions on top of questions. I needed answers. After all, my children needed their mother and I needed myself. They started me on Yaz—reportedly the only over the counter birth control approved for PMDD. Yes, I know—bad reviews, lawsuits, etc.—BUT, when you’re in the Pits of Hell in the middle of a fight between Bi-Polar and ADD—you’ll try anything to destroy their toxic relationship. I tried Yaz. After my 2nd week both myself and my husband noticed a huge difference. I was less spacey – more clear in my thoughts and finally felt as if I had control. Did I still have anxiety at times? Sure, but mentally/emotionally I could WORK through it opposed to the constant feeling of drowning. Did I have irrational thoughts? Yes, but I was able to work through them. Yaz gave me some mental clarity back. Unfortunately, I developed an irregular heart rate at 145 – even when at rest. Physically, I was breaking down. After an ER visit and a couple visits to the Dr. – I came off of Yaz.

Then I tried Zoloft. *sigh* If you know me – I’m ALL natural—from giving birth naturally to treating headaches with almonds. I’m not huge on medication unless it’s NEEDED. “Well,ˮ I said to myself, “I have to try everything so I know at the end of the day – I did my best.ˮ  3 days later I caught myself staring out my window watching birds & not caring that I was sitting there staring out a window – Kathy Bates from Misery anyone? The things that once made me laugh no longer put a smile on my face. I wasn’t OK with that. I knew I wasn’t ME – bubbly, personable, caring – I wasn’t me. I was only on 25mg and that’s not even the therapeutic recommended dose of 50mg for Zoloft. I then safely decreased (with the support of my Dr.) to 12.5 and discontinued it. Wasn’t for me. That isn’t to say that someone else may not greatly benefit from SSRI’s.

Currently I’m on a different form of HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) – Continuous Birth Control, which would halt the dramatic changes in hormones and provide balance. I will need to report back on this as this is my newest form of treatment. Along with the birth control I’m taking a Vitamin B Complex, Daily Multi for Women – I Prefer Rainbow. Natural. Plant based. Also, I’ve added 2 TBSP of Ground Flax Seed to my oatmeal in the morning. According to research, Flax Seed can mimic the female hormone Estrogen and provide other benefits such as relief from Depression. In my search for Vitamins and Minerals that could/would provide potential relief from PMDD – I came across some great work by Dr. Mark Hyman – He’s truly fantastic. I’m a Certified PLATE by Zumba Instructor and he provided some of the training. Here is a great article he wrote with vitamins and remedies in helping to relieve PMS/PMDD.

Now, you ask “Why does Cize Matter Again?” I woke up one morning very early. I couldn’t sleep and was just DONE with doctors not knowing how to help. Done with being turned away. Done with being told “Everything is normal.ˮ I was just done. From one failed medication to another I had it and wanted/needed to take control back. Then I watched the infomercial for Cize. I asked my husband to get it for me because I was willing to try anything to get my new self and leave my old self behind. He did. I was nervous and hesitant. After all, I had tried Insanity and Shaun T delivered. He kicked my A$$ and that felt good. This time around I knew I needed something a bit more “me” – this was it. Cize gave me that. From the minute I played the first day I was hooked. Losing weight and becoming a size 5 was no longer relevant. Waking up everyday knowing I could beat my anxiety became my goal.

Each day it became easier. I felt a bit better. I still had the PMDD symptoms – but mentally, I felt stronger than ever. Shaun T will never truly understand what he helped me get back. I’m in week 4 and I feel better. I look forward to my routines with him because I know he’s right there telling me, “You got this.” I know missing a day isn’t acceptable. Each day Cize is my Zoloft, except I don't suffer from any side effects – like staring out a window for 20 minutes or losing the ability to laugh at everything that once brought a smile to my face.

Some women may need some additional SSRI as a support. Please don't take my experience as true for everyone. Don't be ashamed. Each and every woman needs to find THEIR treatment because PMDD for one is VASTLY different for another.  Listen to your body and remember – doctors aren’t always right. Be your own doctor and researcher. Keep a journal of symptoms and never, ever – stop fighting.

This thread will be ongoing. I will keep everyone posted on my 60 day Cize challenge that I intend on making a routine for the rest of my life. Each day I laugh more, feel the fight harder and see the results I’ve been looking for all along. Mental and emotional health are far more important than your physical appearance. That will come in time. Nourish your soul and show yourself everyday that you matter – release those feel-good hormones because exercise and movement is truly the first line of treatment for any disorder.

Don't be ashamed to share your story, ask questions and or seek support. If it isn’t a fight and doesn’t hurt getting it, it isn’t worth it. Fight hard. Remember, it isn’t about the scale, it’s about how you feel!

If you know someone presenting with PMDD symptoms. Reach out. Don’t push them away. Be a support. Share this blog. The biggest and most deficient need of women suffering from PMDD is support. The National Association for Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder provides great support.

Thank you Shaun T for being there & giving me the strength to fight back.

 ~The Healthy Hackress

An Open Letter to Partners of Women with PMDD

Today I'm honored to host a guest post by Chef Jay, who has decided to help raise PMDD awareness by starting a blog for men about PMDD.  You can find his original post, and others, here. 

Dearest Partners of Women with PMDD,

First of all, let me be clear. This letter does not come with answers or solutions. This is not a "be all & end all" to the chaos of PMDD. Every situation for every woman is different. Ergo (a word not used often enough), no household is the same. After many conversations and emails with men and women around the world, I've realized a few common traits, however. There are similar feelings, circumstances, emotions, issues and experiences...this letter addresses and recognizes them. This note recognizes the real, true emotions and thoughts emanating from the souls of men (and women) coping with a partner with PMDD. This is not a happy letter to make everyone feel better...it's one that draws attention to the mindset reality of living with PMDD. This isn't about me. It's about all of us.

I know you.

You're tired. Exhausted. You feel drained of all energy - emotional, physical, spiritual. Perhaps you feel absolutely nothing at all. You're like a zombie, going through the motions every day. But you're used to it...it's who you've become. You don't like it - you wish you had more energy and lust for life - but you give yourself a daily pep talk to survive the day, praying that today might be better...and you're not even the one with PMDD.

You are constantly on edge. You never know when her hurricane will hit. Predicting how one day to the next will transpire is fruitless. Hour to hour, day to day...hell, even minute to minute, is a pointless exercise. You see her, you love her, you feel for her but you wonder, "What else can I do?" - you've already tried everything!

You've thought about divorce. You've thought about having an affair. You've questioned your life choices...and those thoughts scare the hell out of you. So why do you stay? Why do you remain committed in a relationship that causes you stress and, most likely, shaves years off your life? Perhaps it's because of the words, "...in sickness and health...'til death do us part..." or maybe you're a glutton for punishment or feel, deep down, you can fix her or save her. Possibly, you fear what she'd do if you left. If you have kids, my guess is, you're there for them, more than her.

You've probably heard from her, more times than can count, that she "needs to do (this) or (that) because it might help" - this may include taking a course, going for a run, spending a day or two at the spa, getting massages, nights out with her girlfriends, binge watching Sex & the City or Supernatural, spending a few days here and there away from you (and the kids)...but can you do the same? No. Can you just take off for a few hours and have the day just for you? Probably not. Deep down, you wonder, could she handle the kids for 3 days without me? Your/my gut says no. The time you have out of the house is, most likely, spent getting groceries and doing things that need to be done to make the house and your life a little better.

You don't get enough downtime and, when you do have the opportunity to sit back and chill, your mind's still racing. Most likely, you just want to watch something pointless or mindless, have a beer and fall asleep. The thought of watching a show that has deep thoughts, intellectual content or educational information further stresses you out because your mind can't relax...there's no shut off switch to settle your brain.

You probably don't hear "Thank you" or "I love you" nearly often enough...and, as for, physical expressions of love? Not so much. (Or, at least, not like it used to be). But when SHE wants it, you must provide! Perhaps sex - or any form of intimacy - feels like a chore...another task to complete. Or perhaps, when it finally happens - a moment together, both of you in a positive, awake state of mind - it's a relief...an opportunity to forget about the trials of tribulations of the past few days.

You say words but may not mean them...or they don't have the same feeling behind them like they used to: "I love you" - perhaps it's said so she can hear the words but, your feeling behind them is different. "It'll be okay" - knowing, deep down, it'll get better for her but not for you. Her diatribes, constant needs, argumentative statements, vitriolic, mean words...you'll remember them and hold onto them and think of them all too often. You'll start to believe them - or, at minimum, question who you are based on her hurtful words. You say, "I'm here for you" but, perhaps deep down, you wish at that moment, you weren't. "

You question everything & constantly overthink. When you're sitting on the porch with her, having your coffee or glass of wine, and you hear her sigh heavily, you wonder if that's a sign of impending doom - something dark on her mind, or a coping mechanism to calm herself...or maybe she's just relaxing for the first time in awhile. In any case, you don't ask because "is everything okay?" or "what're you thinking?" or "something wrong?" might set off a chain of events you don't want to deal with.

You constantly look for ways to control your environment - from the way you schedule your day to what you cook for supper or how you organize things around the house. More often than not, when she's in her state, decisions are a further stress and amplify her anxiety. What do you do? You make all the decisions, thinking that'll make life easier for her. Yet, unfortunately, it doesn't often work out that way. Perhaps it's her response of "you should've asked/told me" or "why didn't you let me know?" or "if you loved me you'd have..." Friends may say, "Damned if you do, damned if you don't" but, to you, it had to be done. Survival instinct kicks in and you do what you need to do.

On the good days, when she's positive, upbeat, full of energy, revitalized, you struggle to enjoy the moment...you don't know how long it'll last...you fear the bubble popping...you're still on edge and, most likely, get down on yourself for not being fully present with her. Even when you know you SHOULD be enjoying yourself, you can't.

You're not fully present on a good day. You're not fully present when you're supposed to be having fun or enjoying life. But you ARE fully present when you're surrounded by her chaos, negativity, anger, frustration and darkness. Think about that for a moment:

You're only fully alive when you're being torn down, when your life force is being given to someone else, when every moment of your day is spent making sure your partner (and your household) lives to see another day.

You probably mutter or mumble under your breath as you walk away from her...things you wish you could say out loud but, knowing the damage they'd do to both of you, respecting her mental state, you keep it to yourself, tucking it deep inside where the feelings fester and ferment. Maybe those words of resentment will go away...or, maybe they've established a symbiotic relationship with your soul. These periods of resentment...they grow in number as the years go on...your thought process dips its toes into the murky waters of ire more frequently and easily.

You're constantly seeking an outlet for your tension. Nothing seems to work. Perhaps you go to the gym but, for some reason, you cut your workout short because you're worried about her...or you're too stressed to even relax to workout fully. Or, maybe, you go for a pint with your mates but, you're not fully present...your mind is elsewhere, wondering if she's okay. And you cut your night short because you know you need your energy to deal with the next day.

You feel guilty when you do something for you. Whether a ball game or buying something online, you wonder how she'll react or what she'll think or if she'll resent your 'selfish' ways. So you begin doing less and less for yourself, channeling your energy into your family and her.

If you have kids, you wonder what they'll remember about life in the house, growing up. Will they remember how Mommy hardly slept in the same bed as Daddy? Will they remember how Daddy would always wake them up in the morning, get them dressed, make them breakfast, pack their lunches, cook supper, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, get the groceries? Or will they remember that Daddy didn't have enough time to play with them because of everything he did to make the house function?

You cry. Sometimes there are tears streaming down your face or sometimes you're crying on the inside. But, regardless, you're sad. You're upset - at yourself, at her, at a higher power, at anyone, at no one - yet you keep it to yourself. It's your burden. Perhaps you feel like you asked for this. Perhaps you believe this is your own private challenge. Know you're not alone. There are people out there to help. People are there for you. They want to help...they're waiting at your doorstep...it's up to you to let them in.

This letter is part vent, part affirmation. Maybe you've had some (or all) of these thoughts. Maybe you can't relate at all. In any case, you aren't alone. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, strength builds from pain. For whatever your reasons, your resolve to remain committed to someone struggling with the very fabric of being, is powerful. While my words may not be enough, you are a great person, standing beside someone who needs you more than words. You may not hear it enough or feel it or even believe it but your presence is an amazing gift - not only to her but to the universe. You make her world - and the world around you - a better place.