PMDD and Self-Awareness - What Has Your PMDD Taught You?

Today's post is an insightful guest post that describes a journey of self-awareness.  I have long said that self-awareness (and then self-acceptance) is the key to mastering your PMDD. You know yourself better than anyone else does.  Take the time to get to know you, and learn to be your own best friend. Not a moment of that will be wasted, because doing so will bring you many steps closer to wellness.  Get to know who you are on good days and bad days.  Learn to love and accept all of you.  For me, personally, the results were life changing.  I learned to focus on my strengths, and, on days when I could not be anything resembling strong, to focus on my needs. My guest today shares the difference it has made in her life, and in the comments we both hope you will share what you have learned about yourself through your PMDD.

Ladies here is what I have learned about my PMDD, or what PMDD means for me:

1) Low tolerance for fake and false people.

2) Hate lies and lying.

3) Low tolerance for people pleasers.

4) We are super intuitive and creative (could be blocked).

5) Don’t push me or have me multi-task above the pressure I put on myself.

One thing I am grateful for is PMDD has allowed me to get to know all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes, I am super loving and passionate and I can get super irritated and angry as well especially if I feel sarcasm, slimy, abusive, inauthentic, people pleasing, shifty behavior.  Also, to the ‘super smiley-my life- is-perfect people’ - I don’t buy it one single bit.

I am glad that I know my rage, I know her well.

I know my grief, I get down on my knees and weep.

I know my sexy bad ass, she can be sensual AF.

I don’t want to be around fake people or people pleasers, I will have to mirror that bullshit.

I am not interested in small talk.

I am an extrovert but my introvert demands a lot of alone time and I love her for that!

I need to create and often. If I don’t I get cranky.

I need alone time. If I don’t I become a bitch on wheels.

BOUNDARIES are super important.

Successful relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial and fair. I have stepped away from all the ones where I was giving more.

I follow my turn on. I don’t bother if I am not turned on by a place, a person, an event, a function. If I do go I will just become cranky.

My anger and my bitch are there to protect me to remind me to get back into my body and out of my head. To tell me when I have self-abandoned me in order to please someone else or self-sabotaged me away from my dreams.

Next time I will be kinder to me and not leave me again.

No means NO and does not convert to yes the more you whine or beg. With my kids: I am your mom, I won’t always be popular. Suck it up.

On any request: I will tune into my body and ask Do I want to do that now with this person? (It's okay to say maybe another day).

I need variety. People and places. Sameness bores me.

Nature turns me ON. It’s not a luxury but a necessity!

My body needs to move! OFTEN.

Music makes me FEEL good!!!

I would love to hear what you have learned about yourself on your PMDD journey.

Five Secrets for Surviving PMDD

Sometimes when we’re on the edge, a little dose of truth is all we need to keep from toppling over. Here are 5 secrets that can make surviving PMDD a lot easier.

1. Resistance creates suffering. Yes, PMDD causes unbelievable discomfort and mental agony. But were you aware that when you resist that discomfort and agony, you are actually creating MORE of the same? The human race is quite masterful at wanting things to be different. We’ve gotten quite adept at overanalyzing, strategizing, manipulating, denying, oppressing, and yes, even brooding over what is. But what is, still is. With or without all the energy we expend pushing things away, blaming ourselves or others, and replaying events of the past or imagining disasters in our future, reality is still reality. The trick, and I tell you true, is to use that very same energy you’ve been wasting on what you cannot change and divert it into new channels that actually make you feel better. It’s so flippin’ simple and obvious, and yet doing it takes tremendous energy and refocus.  

2. Build your energy. Okay, so now you know. You’ve got to spend the energy you have differently and also increase your energy enough to be able to break out of old habits. So, you have to identify all the ways you waste or leak energy. It could be through crappy relationships, through poor diet, not getting enough sleep, and the less obvious ways of stuffing emotions, harboring negative thoughts, or denying yourself as a matter of habit everything you truly want in life (by, for example, not even asking for it!). And here’s another tip: the more comfortable you can become with your discomfort, the more energy you will reserve and build. When you want to flee or fight, but there’s no imminent threat, stop. Feel. Breathe, woman! I promise it will pass. 

3. You don’t need to fix yourself. I know. It’s hard to believe. But it is true. You don’t NEED to be any different than you are…no matter what you or anyone else has been telling you. I know PMDD sucks. I know it can turn you from sweet and loving to bitter and hateful in under 3 seconds. But the thing is, neither of those personalities is you. You are a deep and beautiful mystery created by Life, infused by life, and guided by life. Flawless! Next time you get the message that you suck, duck! Let that bullshit ride the airwaves right over your head and out the window. There’s nothing you can do to change what is until Life decides it’s time. And then all you have to do is not resist! So until then, dream a better life but without the underlying judgment that says, “I am not doing enough.” 

4. Let yourself off the hook. The nature of PMDD ensures you’re going to have bad days. Why beat yourself up about them? Why bash yourself with judgments and shame or guilt over what you thought or felt or did? Make reparations if you can, of course. But it is actually a complete waste of energy to chastise yourself for losing your temper or getting depressed again. It is useless to tell yourself to get a grip or get over it. And you certainly wouldn’t appreciate hearing that from someone else, so why do it to yourself? Accept that in every moment, you unquestionably do the best you can. If you could do any better, you would. Allow yourself your mistakes, forgetfulness, reactions… Whatever thoughts or feelings or emotions you experience, they really aren’t personal. They pass and evaporate, eventually. They aren’t YOU. 

5. Stop believing your complaints. PMDD causes sufficient misery to provoke numerous complaints. You’ve earned the right to complain. So if you need to vent, vent! It’s healthy! But that doesn’t mean you have to believe your complaints or use other people like sponges to absorb all of your problems. Whatever you need to express, do it with people who aren’t going to buy into and reinforce the story. But take care you don’t reach out to people who are going to devalue your experience either. What you feel is real. What you believe about it…not so much. It is a delicate balance, and it starts with you. Recognize that sensations arise in consciousness. You will never be able to control them, so don’t waste that precious energy trying so hard. Instead, learn to doubt them. Learn to see them for what they are. You’re not broken, doomed, hopeless, or useless and life hasn’t handed you an impenetrable bum deal. The truth is, life is so much easier than we make it…if we’re willing to let it be.

Liana's note:  The above guest post was written by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

The Voices of PMDD - Battling the Darkness

Today's powerful guest post was written by Amanda Van Slyke, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Flurt Magazine.  For more information, please visit Flurt's Facebook Page.

Every month around this time the darkness swallows me up. It seems to happen in an instant, where I previously felt more creative and fulfilled than I've felt in a long time. Just before the lights go out, I climb mountains of work that I've been trying to reach for weeks. I write essays full of passion and reach out to others for emotional connection. I walk down the street smiling ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the torture I see others endure online. They post about how they can't do this anymore – about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork it's the same thing – feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and isolation. But I am happy. I eat well and do yoga and meditate and run – everything you're supposed to do to get rid of the darkness. I think that if only people did what I did, they'd feel just as great as I do. I am the exception to the rule.

When I was younger, I came to a point where I'd felt like I had already died. I was a shell of a person, barely leaving my bed because of the fatigue and depression, stuffing my face with whatever temporarily took away the pain. I barely escaped to the west coast to get away from the darkness before it swallowed me whole – and I saw a lifestyle that could make me feel better. I stopped drinking, stopped eating sugar and dairy and gluten – and I know how you all feel about gluten, but it worked. For the first time in my life, my face cleared up. My bloated belly flattened. When I filled my body with fuel instead of poison, my energy started to come back. My depression started to lift. I could feel the oxygen coming back into my bloodstream. The more I took care of my body, the more I saw God through me – and I was an atheist.

I know that sometimes people take medication – SSRIs mixed with therapeutic conversation – and believe me, I've been on so many pills I considered swallowing them all at once. But pills took away something far deeper than the darkness – they took away my ability to feel your toes tingle and your whole body remember what spirituality feels like. And for me, I'm not willing to give up my God – the one that speaks to me through my own moans and screams. To me, feeling that numbness inside me might as well as be the death of me. So I tapered off my medication – well, after I tried to go cold turkey, and my boyfriend almost broke up with me. When I finally felt I was myself again – the one I had been searching for and didn't know could exist – I wanted everyone to know about the revolution.

And the revolution came in a plant based crusade. I felt like I had finally found a cure for the darkness. I went two years without eating meat, and I was so skinny my panties fell to the floor. But I still said that I was part of the movement. I shared photos of my recipes online, and talked about how well I was doing. But away from the limelight my diet fluctuated just as much as much as my mood. Just like I'd tapered off my medication, I tapered off fuel for my body, replacing it with poison – processed foods that were easy, thinking that just a little bit of junk food would make the pain go away. Because the pain never did, regardless of what I was eating. If I gave in and reached for the poison, it would spread throughout my body and the pain would inflate my belly and the lights would go out. And then I would say, "Screw it," like the people online that I thought just needed to be more like me.

I know now the darkness is inevitable. I know I need to do my best to choose the light – and that I won't choose it every day, nor will anyone else – even the gurus on Instagram who post photos of food I don't have the money to make. Because the darkness isn't a place where you only go when you're weak. Diet and exercise and medication is for the privileged – and I'm privileged enough – but sometimes I don't have much money for food or the will to leave my apartment, so I reach for something I know will be easy but harder in the long run. And then I spiral down – feeling hopeless, lonely, and isolated – where my only friend is the poison that I know will kill me. Because people die from this.

The darkness leaves you feeling like there's a hole where your heart should be – where you try to fill it with things to make the pain subside. Junk food, alcohol, sex, and drugs. But the real misery comes when you realize these things are never going to be enough. It comes from the knowledge that only finding self love can fill that hole – and trying to love yourself is hard when you never did. Once you see it's just you and the darkness, you can either stay up til morning or go to sleep. And while it's easy to say some are weak for not fighting, I don't blame them.

Because right now, I am unhappy. I walk around my apartment with swollen eyes, moping about how I'm just like everyone else, posting online about how I can't do this anymore, about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork the darkness returns. But I know that soon the light will appear – so for today, I eat well, do yoga, meditate and run. I know it isn't a “cure,” but I know the more I take care of my body the more I'll see God through me. And maybe she can give me strength so I can see the light another day and remember what it's like to be happy – to smile ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the darkness.

Declare Your Independence from PMDD - Nutrition Matters

Today we offer a two-for-one post, with a guest segment from Julie, a woman who, like me, has taken the responsibility for management of her PMDD symptoms into her own hands.  Read on to find out how and why. 

Let food be thy medicine and medicine be thy food. ~Hippocrates, founder of the Hippocratic School of Medicine

Julie starts:  Over a decade ago, I sat down with a doctor and burst into tears. Literally within moments, I had a prescription for an antidepressant.

I left feeling ashamed and deficient somehow. The drug didn't help at all and I was cycled through various others to see if one would finally work for me. When I decided to quit the search, I was tapered off of everything and felt like bolts of lightning were jolting through my body for weeks.

Nobody ever asked about my diet.

I've had three idiopathic blood clots. That means doctors can't identify what caused them. But now I take an anticoagulant for the rest of my life. For years, I've had to be careful about which foods I ate because certain foods could interfere with the medicine.

I even saw a gastroenterologist who wrote me a prescription for an anti-anxiety drug before printing me a list of foods that might be the culprit behind my constantly upset belly. There was no real plan, no follow-through. Just a drug to treat the symptoms.

I was told that my symptoms were all in my head and just manifesting themselves in my gut. I felt broken and shamed again.

Yoga was my first step in recovering from depression. I'm now a registered yoga teacher and practice almost daily. I meditate and take long walks to soothe my nervous anxiety. I have been gluten-free for years and until recently ate what I thought to be a fairly healthy diet. I don't drink or smoke or even drink caffeine. Most people who know me would probably consider me somewhat of a health nut.

One day it occurred to me that I would never just "open my medicine cabinet and start swallowing random handfuls of drugs." I don't even take Tylenol without checking to see if it's safe with anything else I have to take. But I do this with food. I open the refrigerator and...

I [finally realized that I] paid more attention to the appetizing picture on the package than to what was actually in the package. I finally understood that FOOD IS MEDICINE and that literally every single cell in my body was made of the food I chose to eat.

For the past several weeks, I've been eating nothing but clean food. I've removed all dairy, grains, legumes, soy, and sugar from my diet. I have piled my plate with veggies, fruit, and protein. Everything has been delicious and satisfying. I've definitely lost weight, and I've never felt deprived or gone to bed hungry.

But I've also gained strength and endurance. My sleep has improved. My skin is happy. And my resting heart rate has dropped steadily.

And this happened after only two weeks!

I'm much happier these days than I was a decade ago. I've fought for my own happiness. I now know who I am and what I need to feel like me. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety drugs are helpful to many and there's no shame in taking them—none—but they've become so stigmatized that we sometimes get defensive about them instead of fairly examining the whole picture.

None of the doctors I met ever asked me about my diet. I was told that my symptoms were all in my head. Who cares that my head happens to be connected to the rest of my body?

What we eat matters and affects our entire being, not just our physical body.

Did you know that body fat secretes hormones? It works like an organ. If any other organ were enlarged and throwing the rest of your system out of whack, you'd probably consider that a problem.

Food is comforting. These past weeks have been emotionally exhausting. I got a call from the vet who has been treating our beloved dog for his leukemia. When they diagnosed him, they said he had 7-60 days left. He fought for more than six months! Even so, the vet confirmed that we had to say goodbye. He suggested euthanasia was the most compassionate response. It was gut-wrenching. I was standing in Target sobbing and calling around looking for someone to come to the house that night to help my dog transition in peace.

During that situation and other, equally stressful situations, I found myself face to face with the reality that I use food to comfort myself. I longed for sugar, cream, grains... Cookies, basically. I stared at the brightly colored bags of treats and imagined what it would be like to eat them. To feel their crunch and sweetness and melting chocolate. I felt alarms going off in my head like an addict fighting to stay clean amid temptation. I pushed my cart through the store with eyes red from crying and left with my commitment to a clean diet intact.

Once at home, I made myself a bowl of chia seed pudding with coconut milk and cream, bananas, blueberries, and love. It satisfied and comforted me. It nourished me instead of making me feel sick and sad.

It's okay and good and right to feel comforted by your food. Food is medicine. Food is one of the truest joys in life. Learning to see food for what it really is has been an intense and eye-opening experience.

If you're looking to learn more about all of this, please go find a copy of the book, It Starts with Food. Written by a certified sports nutritionist, it's an absolutely fascinating and inspiring read.

Liana adds:  So make today the day you declare your independence from PMDD.  In addition to whatever treatment plan you are following, take a good, hard look at your food habits.  What you eat, when you eat, where you eat, and why you eat.  Read up on food and nutrition and how it all works to support and sustain your brain and body.  Do what you can to eat clean(er)—and feel the difference for yourself.  Become more body aware as you start to feel healthier. 

Make changes in small increments if that's the only way you can stick to a plan.  Baby steps. 

That's the way I did it, and, like Julie, my symptoms have eased to barely worth mentioning in the year and a half  I have been eating cleaner.  So much so that I haven't needed to take anything for anger, irritability, depression, mood swings or anxiety other than an extra 100mg of progesterone as needed.  (I wear an estrogen patch (.75.mg) and take 100 mg progesterone capsule at bedtime daily.  I take an added dose of progesterone (either via a second 100 mg capsule or a dime-size dollop of progesterone cream) on days when I feel symptomatic.)

Nutrition matters.  And you deserve to be nourished, not pacified.  So give cleaning up your diet a sincere effort, like Julie and I have.  There's nobody out there who can or even will do it for you.  It has to come from you.

Then, once you, too, feel stronger and have more stamina and energy—mentally, emotionally, and physically—you may be able, with the supervision of your medical practitioner, to be weaned from any substances (or situations) you have determined are making you feel worse...instead of better. 

And wouldn't that be something to celebrate?

Readers can find Julie on Instagram @hideadollar and can reach Liana either through posting a comment here or by emailing her at info (at) livingwithpmdd (dot) com.

PMDD - After the Hysterectomy

In my first post, I shared what it was like for us in the trenches with PMDD.  This installment, I want to discuss what happened after my wife's hysterectomy, or how we finally got to life without PMDD.

The decision, I remember, was discussed a handful of times regarding whether my partner should have a hysterectomy. I remember us doing a lot of due diligence on the topic, mostly surrounded around her health. We knew we were at peace with the idea that we would no longer be able to have children—we already had two beautiful, healthy kids and we were truly blessed. The larger conversations centered around "then what?" What are the guarantees? What are the potential complications? What if the surgery doesn't work and what would the domino effect be, knowing she just had her entire reproductive house torn down and she still had PMDD?!

The decision was ultimately hers. She decided it was worth the risk of everything we had discussed, knowing the reward would mean so much more.

She had her surgery. It went well and we were told there would be no major side effects, just 6-8 weeks or physical recovery time. All good, right?

Let's harken back to PMDD and how most of us, even doctors, are learning on the fly. I obviously wasn't prepared for the three months after surgery and how PMDD kept creeping into our lives. It wouldn't go down without a kick in the gut, a roundhouse right to the head, and headlock for good measure. One of the hardest battles lied ahead and I was not any wiser to what the hell it was—again my preparation—or lack of it—didn't matter.

My wife fought for three months after her surgery. It was probably just as hard as when she had PMDD. I remember the emotional strain it took on her—how her body would never be the same. How the same place that had housed our children for almost 10 months was gone. It was an emotional rollercoaster. The fights still existed, the threats of divorce were still present, and it seemed at times as if one of my fears had come true—IT DIDN'T WORK!

As each day went by I was looking for a ray of hope. After she was fully recovered physically (try more like 3 months, not 6-8 weeks) some normalcy started to happen and it felt odd. We were always waiting for the next fight to happen. I was always tracking her episodes on my iPhone, trying to prepare for the next hostile takeover. We went back and forth at times really questioning if the surgery worked 100%.

It was a long road back emotionally for my wife post-surgery. It was harder, and took longer than any of us expected. PMDD gave us one last fight and didn't go down quietly...why should I have expected it to?

For whoever reads this, I leave you with this: It can and will get better. There are options for you and your partner. You don't have to live this way any longer. I know it is easier to run like hell than to stand and fight. I chose to stand and fight when at times I wanted to run far, far away.

I leave you with three points to help get you through it all:

1) Remember why you fell in love with her. It will carry you at times through the muck even though the woman you fell in love with might be a shadow of herself during PMDD.

2) It's okay to feel the way you do, no matter how much you might feel guilty for feeling a certain way. Things will cross your mind during her PMDD episodes that will have you questioning your sanity. You will feel like snapping at times. You will feel like doing irrational things just in the hopes that your wrong behaviors or attitudes are not so much payback for PMDD, but a pathway between staying balanced and losing your mind.

Talk about the way you feel with others even if they might not fully understand it. Just letting it go and letting out a good cry is also therapeutic. Don't hold it in. Find an outlet for yourself too. Your health still matters.

3) Lastly...Don't give up. She needs you still. She is fighting a swarm of demons that she doesn't want around. She doesn't want this any more than you do. [Whichever treatment option(s) you choose] Work towards achieving healthy solutions for both of you. There are solutions out there. Do your homework, reach out to PMDD survivors and their peers, and never, ever give up Hope.

You are stronger than you ever realized, partner, and God wouldn't give you anything you couldn't handle. Call it cliché but it's true. You were built for this for now, but it is not yours or hers to live with forever.

Liana's note: For more information on the basics of PMDD, please read my posts Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men, and Confusion City.   Also worth reading are Top 20 Tips for Dealing with PMDD, and More Tips for Men Whose Partners Have PMDD.  All four posts are included in my book PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  For those who prefer to have all this information (and much more!) in one convenient place, it's the book with the blue cover at the top of the sidebar. 

PMDD Tales from the Front: Hitting Rock Bottom

I have a favor to ask… a gentleman has written to me asking What does rock bottom look like?

His story is in the comments section of my post Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men.  His wife is in denial about her PMDD, and in other posts I have written that the denial is part of the PMDD, while guest poster Cat Stone added that often you have to hit rock bottom before you seek help.

My rock bottom was in early 2009, when (due to the onset of perimenopause) I realized I was spending more days in PMDD mode than not.  I didn’t like myself, didn’t like who or what I had become (basically a sad, unmotivated recluse) didn’t like feeling so freaking sad for what seemed like all of the time.  I knew I had PMDD, but I was convinced I could beat it with positive thinking and mind over matter alone.

So I went to my doctor in tears, and asked for anti-depressants.  She obliged, but a few days later the PMDD cloud passed, and I put the anti-depressants away (for good), and started my PMDD research in earnest.  The result was this blog, which I started in 2010.

Others, though, have reached a much worse low point before seeking help.

I hadn't alienated friends, family, or co-workers, because I tend to withdraw when an episode hits.  I am also a writer who works at home, so people are used to me disappearing for weeks and months at a time while I work on projects.  So I hit my personal low when I was alone in the house, and it didn't involve any sort of public meltdown.  My tears that day were because I felt like I was admitting to failure...admitting I couldn't handle my PMDD all on my own.

Admitting I had PMDD was never a problem for me.  I was grateful and relieved to learn the nonsense in my head had a name.  It was admitting I couldn't handle it without help that was my personal low.  I wanted to think I was stronger than that.

It turns out that I am.  But I wasn't on that day.

If you would share here when you reached your personal rock bottom, perhaps we can be of some help to this man asking for insight, and, I suspect, for hope …  at least enough hope to allow him to continue to stay in the relationship until his wife accepts that she has PMDD. 

Relationships and PMDD -- Doing Your Part

Last week I posted 20 tips for partners who live with women who have PMDD. While it would be ideal if your partner did all of these things, that’s still only 50% of the equation. You’ve got to bring something to the party as well. As any relationship book will tell you, it takes two to make a relationship—any relationship—work.

So if you’re thinking, “If I just love him enough,” or “If I just (do anything) enough,” it’s not going to work—not without you running yourself into the ground. Relationships are full of give and take, and only work well when each partner gives as much as he or she takes.

Even if you’ve got the best partner in the world, there are still things you can do to make your PMDD episodes run more smoothly. And if your partner is not supportive—then do it for you…because you’re worth it.

1. Chart your symptoms daily. It doesn’t have to be elaborate, one of those pocket calendars will do. Just write a few words each day: anxious, crabby, sad, sleepy, achy, bloated, cravings, weepy, snapped at __________. Use this to get in touch with your feelings and your body. Eventually you’ll discover patterns of symptoms.

2. Consult your chart/PMDD calendar when considering social events, activities, creative or household projects, vacations and such. Making major decisions comes under this heading, too. Don’t set yourself up for failure by taking on something big when you know you won’t be feeling up to it. Don’t just try to slog through your life the best that you can…be pro-active!

3. Learn to recognize when you are symptomatic, and consciously postpone thinking about anything that needs serious thought until you are feeling better. If you don’t, your decisions will be colored by your PMDD, and you may well end up asking yourself, “What the hell was I thinking when I decided to do this?”

4. Understand that if it is not treated, your PMDD will only get worse. It could end up a major depressive disorder and who wants that when you know it can be avoided?

5. Find a doctor who will listen to you. If the doctor won’t listen, change doctors. It’s your life at stake here. No one has as much to gain from finding the right treatment for you as you do. So take an active part in your own health and well being. Don’t just do what the doctor says because “the doctor knows best.” The doctor knows what the doctor knows, and if the doctor doesn’t know anything about PMDD, you need to find one who does.

6. Try whatever you need to try to feel better. If you don’t feel better, then stop whatever makes you feel worse, and try something else. This goes for both medical and natural treatments. If medication works for you, go for it. If it doesn’t, don’t keep hanging in there, thinking it will get better. Your doctor is not you. Your doctor can’t feel what you feel or experience what you experience. Only you can know what works for you and what doesn’t.

7. Do not let anyone make you feel inadequate because something that works for others is not working for you. There is nothing wrong with you if this treatment or that treatment doesn’t work. All it means is you haven’t found the right solution for you yet. PMDD is not a one-size-fits-all disorder.

8. Move your body. Fit exercise in whatever you can, whenever you can. Isn’t a healthy you worth it? Find a few kinds of exercise you enjoy and mix it up so it doesn’t get boring fast. A class here, a walk there, maybe Tai Chi today and Zumba tomorrow. Just put on some music and dance around the house with the kids or by yourself for a song or two. See if that doesn’t put some energy in your step. Park your car a few spaces away from the door instead of in the closest spot. 30 minutes of some sort of aerobic activity a day is best, even if it’s just cleaning the bathroom or carting laundry up and down the stairs, but if you have to start with 5 or 10 minute increments, then start there. Anything is better than nothing.

9. It is essential that you get enough rest. Sleep is when your body re-regulates itself and if you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t have the time it needs to complete its repair job from whatever abuses you subjected it to during the day. (aka substance abuse, smoking, stress, overexertion, poor diet). The more sleep you lose, the harder it is for your body to catch up, and you fall further and further behind each day. This explains why you are so exhausted.

10. Eat healthy. Whole foods, as close to their natural state as possible. Avoid alcohol, caffeine, sugar, sugar substitutes, anything made with high fructose corn syrup (yes, you might have to start reading labels), white rice and white flour, for starters. Start being aware of what you eat, and as you pour that cup of coffee, know you are contributing to your PMDD, and know that you are choosing to do so. Ask yourself, is this candy bar, energy drink, glass of wine, piece of cake worth feeling miserable two weeks from now?

11. Get yourself some high quality dark chocolate for when the cravings come. Not that mass-produced stuff that comes in a bag. No matter how good it tastes, it’s not going to help you like true chocolates from a chocolate store will. There are plenty online to choose from if your town doesn’t have a chocolate store. A bonus is you’ll need less of the high quality stuff to feel better, so you might even lose some weight.

12. If you snap out at someone, stop, apologize, and explain to them that it’s not them, it’s your PMDD. Don’t let hurt feelings fester, on either side of the relationship. If they’re not open to an explanation of PMDD, just say, “I’m sorry, I’m having a bad day,” and leave it at that. Everybody has bad days now and then.

13. If somebody is trying to bait you, walk away. Don’t let their bad mood spark yours. Tell them you’ll be back or continue this conversation when you’re both in a better mood.

14. Ask for help when you need it. If you don’t have anyone in your life who is willing or capable of doing this, find new friends who will be supportive and encouraging. Even if they’re just online. PMDD forums and discussion groups abound. You don’t need to go through any of this alone.

15. Do not let your negative thoughts and feelings get the better of you. Every day, all day long, our minds run rampant with thoughts. Good ones, bad ones, even strange ones. One way to get a handle on this is to learn how to still your mind. But that takes dedicated time and effort. If you’re not at a place in your life where you can take the time out to meditate or practice some form of deep breathing exercise that stills the mind, at the very least, when the negative thoughts come, push them right back out of your mind and refuse to dwell on them. Say to yourself, “That’s my PMDD talking, not me,” and consciously change the subject.

Remember (as long as PMDD is your only problem), you are in control of your mind…your mind is not in control of you (even though it very much feels like it). You need to refuse to give those negative thoughts any air time, because if you don’t, they will loop endlessly through your mind, creating deeper and deeper ruts, until negative thoughts are all you know and you end up with major depressive disorder. This is how PMDD women become suicidal.

Some wonderful ideas on how to mentally shift gears are in this article from Women to Women. The article is about perimenopause, but unless you die first or have your ovaries surgically removed, thus throwing you into instant menopause, you’re headed for perimenopause anyway. Why not learn how to deal with it in advance?

Be blessed, and keep me posted on your progress!

Relationships and PMDD - Finding the Right Partner

Okay, today’s post begins the one I had in mind when I started this series on relationships. But once I started thinking about it, I realized that for any of us to have a successful relationship, we have to start with ourselves. We have to know ourselves, like ourselves, and be friends with ourselves before we can successfully have any sort of relationship with anyone else, be it friendship, a family relationship, or a relationship with a significant other.
People will only treat you as well as you treat yourself. If you don’t know yourself, don’t understand yourself, how can you explain your PMDD to anyone else? If you don’t treat yourself with kindness, care, and consideration, how can you expect anyone else to?
So I started with Relationships Begin With You, then emphasized the importance of getting to know yourself as well as you would a friend, and then offered some ideas on how to be a friend to yourself, or how to treat yourself the way you would a friend. Because, face it, most of us treat friends better than we do ourselves. We’re there for friends, but when it comes to taking care of ourselves…for any number of reasons, we drop the ball. Those issues go way beyond the subject of PMDD, so this is not the place to explore them.
I then tackled the topic of family—offered tips on how to get along with your family, especially during family gatherings--and if for reasons beyond your control, you just can’t get along with some family members—I wrote about how to “just say no” to family gatherings for your own peace of mind and well being. This is not opting out. This counts as being good to yourself, and treating yourself like a friend. If a friend came to you and said, “I just can’t deal with my family, family drama stresses me out, or I love them but they just plain make me feel crazy,” what would you tell that friend?
Then tell yourself the same thing. Do what you can to get along, and learn to let go of the rest. Take a break from the family if you need to, if you need some time to get your head together. The only person you have control over and are responsible for is yourself. If others behave badly, that’s not on you. But if you’re the one behaving badly, then you need to take a look at that, take some time out, and do your best to figure out what you could be doing differently. Be the change you want to see in your world. Start with taking care of yourself.
Many of us are already in relationships, and have children. Children who depend on us to be there for them, no matter what kind of day we are having. Taking care of ourselves helps us to be better able to take care of them. When we’re calm, relaxed, and happy, we’re much better able to weather the storms life brings into our days, and provide that emotional stability our children need to grow into happy, well-adjusted adults.
They can’t do that if we’re in a bad relationship, whatever the reason. So if you’re not willing to put forth the effort to find or create a healthy, stable, and supportive relationship for yourself, then do it for them—the kids who are counting on you to show them how to navigate life’s many challenges. If you don’t show them…who will?
To have a good relationship, you need a supportive partner. Period. If your partner isn’t supportive of your needs as a woman with PMDD, you might as well be a salmon swimming upstream. But for your partner to be supportive of those needs, you have to know what those needs are, yourself. When you’re having an episode, do you need calm and quiet, or do you need to be held? Do you need to be left alone, or do you want someone who can gently and lovingly help to ease you out of your negative mood? Will flowers and candy help? Do you just want to watch TV or read a book, or do you want to talk?
The answers are as varied as can be. But the key to any good relationship is communication. Maybe one month you’ll want to go out to dinner. Maybe another you’ll want to take a long bath. Maybe you’ll want to make some popcorn and watch a comedy. Maybe you’ll want to go for a walk. Maybe you just want to feel appreciated.
Whatever you want, you need to be able to communicate that to your partner. And if your partner won’t cooperate…is he or she the right partner for you? I’ve said all along, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s not an excuse to behave badly. It’s not an excuse to take your anger, irritation, or sadness out on others. It’s not an excuse to withdraw and/or abandon your responsibilities.
But it is an explanation for why you feel tempted to do these things when having an episode of PMDD.
The first thing you need to do is chart your symptoms, to discover what your pattern is. I detailed mine in my post, A Perfect Storm of PMDD. Once you know what your pattern is, you need to let your partner know when your bad days are coming, and ask for some extra consideration on those days. If you have a really good relationship with your partner, he or she might be able to see the storm coming before it arrives. I know there have been many times in my life that I was completely unaware that I was starting to act out of character, until my best friend, a man, pointed it out. Then I had to decide if he was right or not, because nobody knows my mental, emotional, or physical state as well as I do.
Sometimes he’s right, and sometimes he’s wrong. When he’s right, we go into PMDD mode. When he’s wrong, I do my best to figure out what’s really bothering me, and if he’s involved, we talk about it. If he’s not, I might ask him to help me figure out ways to deal with the person or situation that is causing my anger and or tears.
Beware of partners who tell you that you must be having an episode just because you’re upset with them for one reason or another. There come times in everyone’s lives when we are genuine angry or upset with someone about something. And that’s okay. Anger and emotional upset are normal and natural signals that something is not going right in our lives. They’re like warning lights, letting us know that here is something going on that needs to be addressed. The key is to know the difference—are you genuinely angry, or has your PMDD kicked in?
If your PMDD has kicked in, revert to the list of phrases I mentioned in my last post. What works with children and family members works just as well with partners. Or make up your own list. Agree on these code phrases beforehand, when you are feeling well. Then, when the bad days come, you’ll have them ready to diffuse tense situations that arise.
A good relationship of any kind is based on mutual admiration and respect. If you’re in a good relationship, your partner will respect your need for space or extra attention when the bad days come. If you’re not, you will likely find yourself with a partner who ignores you, demeans you, eggs you on, refuses to believe you, and/or abandons you when you most need love and support. Partners like this only add to the problem, because they create stress. Stress exacerbates PMDD and PMDD causes stress.
So the best thing you can do for yourself is to find a partner who will not add to your stress when you are already stressed. If your partner simply won’t listen, then there’s more going on in your relationship than just your PMDD. Don’t let anyone blame you or your PMDD solely for the failures in a relationship, be they friends, family, or your significant other. It takes two people to have a relationship. If you’re trying, and the other party isn’t—it’s not just about your PMDD. They’re using your PMDD as an excuse to avoid looking at whatever else may be going wrong in the relationship.
I don’t know any gentler way to say it. If somebody loves you, truly loves you, they will work with you to find a way to make your life easier and your episodes more bearable. They will be open to information and resources on the subject, and will want to help you get better. They will not walk away, and they will not cast 100% of the blame on you. They may not be happy with you at times, but they will be there for you.
If they are not…then you need to start at the beginning again…and learn how to be there for yourself.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.  More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Okay, we’ve covered your relationship with you, learning to treat yourself as well as you would a friend, how exactly to have a relationship with yourself, choosing your friends wisely, avoiding relatives who are toxic to you if you can, and tips to get along with them if you do choose to attend family functions.

Now we’re going to look at your relationship with another aspect of your family—the people you live with every day.

This could be any combination of people and or ages. Mother/guardian and children; parents and/or siblings (you, living with your parents and siblings); adult woman living with parents; adult woman caring for parents; roommates; mother, partner, and children; childless couples; same sex couples, you name it. But these are the people we are closest to, physically, if not emotionally. It would be nice if we were as emotionally close to them as we are physically, but for any number of reasons that often isn’t the case.

Stress at home is bad enough, but for a PMDD woman, it can be the key element that keeps you from getting well, as any kind of strife at home only exacerbates a PMDD woman’s symptoms. During a PMDD episode, we are biologically sensitive creatures, as in sensitive to light, sound, touch, taste, and smells. This has been proven. A PMDD woman’s five senses can be enhanced during an episode, enhanced to the point of discomfort and beyond, which makes us react in ways not welcome or understood by those who do not suffer such on again, off again changes in sensitivity to light, sound, touch, taste, and/or smell.

Please understand this: It’s biological, this shift/change that is happening in our bodies, but we react to it/manifest it emotionally.

Anger has been a basic form of self defense since the cave dwellers. Our bodies are hardwired to react with some form of flight or fight (including anger and aggression) when we feel threatened.

You’re having a PMDD episode and the kids are being too loud? You snap and snarl to get them to quiet down. Your head is pounding with a PMDD migraine, you tell your beloved to shut up and turn out the lights. Both of these reactions are nothing more than self-preservation instincts kicking in. Too many flashing lights? Too much electronic noise? Same deal. Significant other giving you a hard time? Everybody wants a piece of you at the same time?

Your biological responses kick in, and you lash out in self defense.

The target of your attack responds with “What’s wrong with you? I was just…?”

They wonder if you’re crazy. You wonder if you’re crazy. Some are even so mean-spirited as to taunt you and make you do it again and again and again…because when you’re out of control, the focus is off of them. Just remember that.

The best way to fight this form of mean-spiritedness is to become your own best friend, get to know yourself better than anyone else knows you, sort through what is your fault and what is not, then amend your own behavior—such as catching yourself before you explode into anger or tears—and learn how to apologize when you don’t.

Never apologize for “being the way I am.” You are who you are. And God loves you just the way you are. If your family or partner doesn’t…you need to think about that. Think about some changes you might need to make before you can be well again.

But right now you need to focus on you, to get a handle on your PMDD.

If you don’t catch yourself in time, apologize immediately for the hurt you caused the other person. Not for being upset in the first place. When you snap out during an episode of PMDD, unless you are aware of what you are doing and actually feel it coming on, you have no more control over what you say and do than you would over an allergic reaction.

Because it’s biological in nature, and deals with, among other things, your stress responses.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Which came first, stress or PMDD? Stress contributes to PMDD, and PMDD causes stress. The only thing you can do to break the cycle (short of taking drugs that only mask your symptoms and give you various side effects to deal with) is to get to know yourself as well as you possibly can, and learn ways to head off these “natural as an allergic reaction” responses to stress.

If you chart your symptoms, which really is a must for a PMDD woman, you can tell when things are going to start getting dicey in your life. You can plan around those days, plan to take it easy on those days if at all possible, learn to pamper yourself a little. You can also warn those you live with that those days are coming.

If they are not sympathetic, do not explode. Simply be the change you want to see in the world. Model the type of behavior you would like to receive from them. Do unto others….

It all starts with you. Why? Because if you don’t take care of you, nobody else will. If you have to start being nicer to someone so that they will be nicer to you, then so be it. Give peace a chance. There are those who won’t respond positively, or who won’t respond at all. That does not matter. The only person whose behavior you are responsible for is you. And once you have a handle on your own behavior, they can’t use it against you any more.

So think about that.

My house is a haven. It’s where I go to find peace, to recharge, to rest and relax. It wasn’t always that way, and I had to make some serious choices and changes to get to where I am today. One baby step at a time.

But now, if I am having a bad day, all I have to do is say so, and everyone knows it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with me and my PMDD. The best course of action is to avoid me, make no demands, agree with me if I start something, and not take anything I say or do personally.

My job is to stay aware of what I am doing, go about my business quietly, gently remind people who forget and start to ask for something I can’t give at that moment that I am having a bad day, do my best not to start anything, and not take anything personally.

The best advice for everyone involved is to not to take anything personally on those days. This is not a license to freely do and say what you want to during that period, but an agreement that if things should go awry or even get out of hand—it’s not personal. It’s just your PMDD.

Remember, PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse.

And if others in your household are behaving badly when you are having an episode of PMDD, what is their explanation for it?

Think about that one for a while.

You’ll soon realize it’s not just you.

So stop taking the blame for everything that does wrong in your relationships. Recognize that it takes two to have a relationship and both parties have to want the relationship equally for it to work.

I’m talking about adults here.

When it comes to kids, it should be easier to simply explain to them that Mommy is having a bad day, and needs some quiet time, and it would be a really big help if they could find something quiet to do while Mommy rests so she can feel better sooner.

If your kids don’t understand or refuse to honor this simple request, then a parenting class might be in order. If your partner doesn’t understand or refuses to honor this simple request, a relationships class might be in order. There’s nothing wrong with asking for a little peace and quiet, a little time to yourself to regroup, especially when you are not feeling well.

Around here, we use words like…
I’m feeling fragile today.
I can’t handle too much information today.
I’m having a bad day.
I’m having a sad day.
Whatever you say or do today will be wrong, so it’s best to steer clear of me today.
It’s not personal.
It’s not you.
She’s baaaack! (Meaning my evil twin).
Guess who’s visiting? (The Alien, which is another name for her.)
All I want is chocolate.
Let’s go out to eat.
I can’t stay awake today.
I think I’ll just read a book for a while.
Not today, hon, I can’t seem to hold onto my thoughts for very long.
I think I’ll just end this day now and go to bed. (Usually said when I am extremely irritable, and no matter who says anything to me, they are likely to get blasted. I simply remove myself from the situation and temptation.)

That’s enough for today. I hope I’ve given you some food for thought.

Relationships - Choosing Your Family

Families are…hard to deal with, any way you look at it. They consist of the people who are supposed to love you the most, care more about your welfare than anyone else, treat you more kindly than strangers, and keep you safe from the world’s evils.

But they don’t. In fact, they quite often do the opposite. Which leaves all of us feeling pretty damn confused. If my family is supposed to love me and nurture me, provide for my needs and keep me safe…but doesn’t…then how can I expect anyone else to love and encourage me, provide for my needs, and keep me safe?

That’s a question I don’t have an answer to. So I spent yesterday morning researching articles on families and the holidays, hoping to offer some sage words of wisdom in my post on family relationships, and researching took so long I used up the time I would have used writing the post. The worst part was the best advice I could come up with was…

Just say no.

That’s right…just say no. If your family is toxic…then just don’t go to those holiday events, reunions, and family affairs. Article after article after article said the same thing.
Being the kind of person who much prefers to see everyone get along, this message was rather disappointing to me. But it trumped the message boards, hands down.

And I have to admit, that if you follow the advice in my previous posts, about making friends with yourself first, before you make friends with others, and about choosing your friends wisely, and choosing to spend time only with those people who exhibit the qualities you would most like to develop in yourself—how many of us would choose our own families?

Some of us have families that are truly supportive, encouraging us to be the best person we can possibly be. Others, unfortunately, are pits of dysfunctional hell. If you have PMDD, due to the correlation between childhood abuse and PMDD, chances are your family falls more firmly into the second category. Which also means the relationship you’re in right now is probably unhealthy. Which only adds to your problems with PMDD. Like attracts like, (even if you’re opposites—you’re the same in your ability to have a healthy relationship), and if you were abused as a child, the chances are good you will end up in a relationship that is abusive in one way or another. Which will only make your PMDD symptoms worse.

I’m jumping ahead of myself here, because my next post will be about dealing with your immediate family…but the facts can not be denied…studies have shown there is a strong correlation between abusive relationships of any kind, and PMDD.

So…if you have PMDD, chances are your extended family relationships are strained, and holiday gatherings are not pleasant. Taking us back to the first relationship post, where I said relationships begin with you, the best thing you can do for yourself is to learn to listen to yourself, to your intuition and your body, to become more aware of your feelings about everything, and let them guide you.

Emotions are just that, emotions, and they will pass. But feelings, true feelings, will resonate in your body. If the thought of going somewhere and spending time with people you don’t like and who don’t like you fills your body with dread, churns your stomach, gives you a stress headache, puts you on edge, or makes you reach for substances that dull your pain, then yes, you need to stop and think twice about why you are doing this to yourself. Remember, if you don’t look out for yourself, nobody is going to do it for you.

If you don’t set the boundaries of what you will and won’t accept from other people in the way of behavior, be they family or strangers, nobody is going to do it for you. People with abusive personalities don’t recognize or observe boundaries—they will push and push and push as much as you let them. You can either 1) push back—which benefits no one—2) set your boundaries and quietly but firmly enforce them—which abusers will then call abuse, since you are no longer letting them have their way—3) simply refuse to engage, by not answering (unfortunately, this method has its own drawbacks) or 4) not attend any event in which you are likely to be treated with any form of disrespect.

In the end, it all comes down to you again, and how healthy you want to be. PMDD and stress are like the chicken and the egg. Nobody knows which comes first. But they do have a strong correlating relationship, and one affects the other. How you handle stress affects your PMDD and how you handle (or don’t handle) your PMDD definitely causes stress.

The best thing to do then, to get a handle on your PMDD, is to remove all sources of stress from your life. This in itself can be extremely stressful, but in the long run is much healthier than taking drug after drug to solve a problem that can not be fixed by taking drugs, no matter what the drug companies tell you.

So the same advice applies to forming or perpetuating family relationships that applies to forming and maintaining friendships—are the people you spend time with people who exhibit the positive qualities you would like to have more of in your life?

If not, then why are you spending time with them?

Sometimes you have to go out and create your own family. This works, too, because once you get right down to it, a family, like a home, is simply a place in your heart. You can create a home anywhere, and you can create the kind of family you’d like to have anywhere as well. To do that, however, you might have to first let go of the old one. Or at least limit contact with them until you are strong enough to stand up for yourself and can comfortably deal with the stress of the situation.

Until then, they’re going to keep getting to you, your PMDD will continue to worsen, and you’re going to continue to dread every family event that comes up that will be attended by people you don’t really like and wouldn’t choose as friends.

The choice, as always, is up to you. I can hear the “But you don’t understand!” comments now.

I can, and I do. Been there, done that. It wasn’t easy, it wasn’t fun, but I came out on the other side of it just fine, and this year, for Christmas, I had two of the best and most memorable holiday dinners I can ever remember having. I looked around and thought, This….now this is what I was aiming for all those years.

So I know it does exist.

And I wish it for each and every one of you.

Take care, God Bless, and I wish us all a healthy, happy, and prosperous New Year.

Relationships - How To Be A Friend To Yourself

Okay, so I’ve said that Relationships Begin With You, and to love or be a friend to others, you first need to love or be a friend to yourself. What exactly does that mean? I mean, if somebody told me I need to be a better friend to myself, I’d probably get annoyed. What are you talking about, be a better friend to myself? I treat myself just fine, thank you. Give me some real advice, why don’t you? Don’t just spout platitudes like you’ve got it all covered, and I don’t.
So I started thinking about it. What does that even look like, being a friend to myself? How does one go about doing such a thing? The first answer I came up with was: Easy to say, hard to do. And why is it so hard? Because it requires thought. And most of us barely have time to think anymore, especially at this time of year. We live in a world of instant this, instant that, where technology has sped our lives up so much that half the time we don’t know whether we’re coming or going. All we know is we’re racing here and there, trying to get everything done that we think needs doing in December.
But we’re not really thinking, are we? We’re just doing. We’re doing all the things we’ve been conditioned to do since the cradle. We’ve accepted that this is how it is, this is how it’s got to be, and the last thing we have time for is to think about being good to ourselves. That, we leave up to the others in our circle, be it friends, family, or co-workers.
Wrong approach. Because everyone else is just as busy as you are, and people are only going to treat you with the same amount of care and respect that you give yourself. So to be good to yourself, the very first thing you have to do is SLOW DOWN. This goes against the grain, I know. If you’re a list-maker, you’ve probably got a list that has at least 50 things on it you need to do between now and the end of the year. You don’t have time to stop and think. Maybe come January you will, maybe not. Maybe by then you’ll have a whole new list to work off—that list containing your New Year’s Resolutions that somehow you never get around to following completely through on.
And why is this? Because while our intentions are good, most of us don’t stop and think about how to make those intentions a reality.
Awareness is the key—to success in all things, including being good to yourself.
You can start by asking yourself one simple question: What is the best thing for me to be doing right now? Right now is the critical part of the question. What is the best thing for me to be doing for my health and well-being right now? Is it making a healthy breakfast? Reading a daily meditation? Driving a parent to a doctor’s appointment? Cleaning the bathroom?
That’s a valid answer, because there are some of us who don’t feel right or settled unless the environment around us is clean and orderly. Others don’t care, so the answer would be different for them. And that’s okay. But try this for a week. Several times a day, stop and ask yourself, what is the best way to spend my time right now? What is the most important thing I need to take care of right now?
Don’t just run through your days like a mouse in a maze. Take the time to become consciously aware of what you are doing, and why you are doing it, each and every minute—or for as many minutes as you can hold the thought, while racing from commitment to commitment, or obligation to obligation.
Maybe it’s work. You need to get paid. Then be aware that you’re going to work, in order to get paid, so that you can provide your family with food, shelter, clothing, or luxuries. Are you going to work for a bigger TV, a fancier cell phone, or a new stove? Are you going to work for an island vacation, a school tuition bill, or new braces? Why are you doing what you’re doing, and is it the right reason and the best use of your time?
If not, then notice the gap between where you are and where you want to be, and think about what you can do to close that gap.
What about our so-called free time? Say you’re at home. What is the best way you can be using your time right now? Is it changing the sheets, helping a child with homework, paying bills, or do you just need a little time out? Time out to read a book, play with the kids, call your mother, or maybe make a cup of tea and sit down long enough to catch your breath, then jump back onto the treadmill of your life.
If you never ask yourself this question, you’ll never answer it. And if you take the time to answer it, you will more than likely be surprised by the answer.
The interesting thing is once you start asking yourself this question of what is the best thing I could be doing with my time right now, your priorities will start to fall in line, and you’ll start coming closer to where you want to be, to being the person you want to be.
I compare it to choosing a house. Many of us move into houses that are already built, and then work with what we have. But what if you had the opportunity to create your own house, to design it to have everything you ever wanted in a home? Fifteen years ago, I couldn’t have even envisioned the idea. I thought I had no opinions on such things. The question never arose, so I never considered it.
But then I had the opportunity to design my own house from scratch, and I found out I had very definite opinions on what I wanted. It was easier than I ever would have thought, to go into a store and pick out tile and countertops and flooring and lights and fixtures.
But nobody had ever asked me before, what I liked or didn’t like about my house, and so I never considered it. I just worked with or around what I had.
The same can be said of your life. What do you like or not like about it? What would you change if you could? What would you design differently if you could start from scratch? Then why don’t you? Start now. Start where you are. Start by taking a moment here and there to think about what you are doing right now, in this moment, and why. Then choose what you want to be doing next, and move in that direction. Eventually, you’ll find out you have very distinct opinions on what you like and don’t like, and how you do and don’t like to spend your time, who you do and don’t like to be around, what you do and don’t like to eat, what gives you energy and life, and what drains you of both.
But to do that, you have to start taking the time out to ask yourself one simple question: What is the most important thing I could be doing for myself right now?
Is it taking a few deep breaths, is it eating an orange, is it dropping a casserole off for a sick friend, or running an errand for a family member? It doesn’t have to be all about you. But it does have to be about what makes you feel good inside, because when you feel good inside, then you’re being a good friend to yourself.
Right now I need to get this blog post done. Why? Because it’s Wednesday morning and people will be stopping by the blog, expecting something new to be there. But at the same time, my cat has jumped onto my lap, looking for some love. Do I get annoyed and throw her off, because I have something else to do, or do I stop what I am doing to pet her and coo at her and give her what she came looking for?
I stop. I slow down long enough to feel the softness of her fur, appreciate the way she pushes her head into my hands, and listen to the contented rumble of her purr. I smile and use both hands, cuddling and stroking her until she relaxes and settles in my lap, happy just to be with me. She knew what she wanted, what she needed, and she came looking for it. It took maybe all of two minutes. She’s happy, and I’m happy, and we can both get on with our day. She, snoozing on my lap, and me, continuing to type.
What would have been served by throwing her off, by telling her I was too busy to deal with her right now? I learn a lot from my cats. When they’re hungry they eat, when they’re sleepy, they sleep. They don’t worry about what’s coming up next. They live in the moment, and are fully present to whatever is around them, be it a sunbeam on the carpet, the sound of the can opener, or somebody at the door.
We need to slow down like that. We need to be fully present in the moment. When we’re folding laundry or doing dishes, that’s what we need to be doing. Nothing more, and nothing less. We need to take the time to let our thoughts roam free, not use that time to make more lists in our head or angst about things already over and done with, or what we’re going to be doing twenty minutes from now. In twenty minutes, we’ll deal with whatever is happening then.
When we’re driving, we need to be driving, and not doing anything else. When we’re at the store, we need to be shopping, and nothing else. When we’re talking to another person, we need to be doing that, and nothing else. When we’re praying, we need to be praying. The same goes for having a meal, so that we can stop and think about what we are putting into our bodies. Is it something that is good for us, or not? Or are we just wolfing down fast food while we chauffeur the kids to wherever it is they have to go and talking on the phone in between bites?
Tell me. How is that being good to yourself?

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

Relationships Begin With You

I’ve been getting a lot of requests for information on relationships, so I’d like to start writing about that subject today.
Relationships are hard, no matter who you are, or what your situation might be. Relationships for a PMDD woman can be almost impossible to sustain, because, due to our hormonal fluctuations, we’re literally a different woman every day. We feel differently, think differently, and act differently every single day.
There’s an old joke that goes like this: A woman marries a man thinking he will change. A man marries a woman thinking she won’t change.
Unfortunately, both end up being disappointed.
Change is inevitable. That’s our only guarantee in life, short of death and taxes. Life comes and goes in cycles, and nothing stays the same. You will change, I will change, your family and/or partner will change, your circumstances and situations will change. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and otherwise. Accept that now, and you’ll be a lot further ahead of the game than most of us.
Why? Because nobody likes change, even when it’s a change for the better. Change takes work, whether it’s a change we embrace, or a change we resist. We like to be comfortable in our surroundings and relationships. We like knowing what we’re in for, how our day will go, what we’re up against, what to expect. A certain stability gives us a good foundation for dealing with all the surprises Life throws our way, be they blessings or challenges.
A PMDD woman, just like anyone else, likes to have stability in her life. Unfortunately, that’s not a luxury we can rely on, given the tumultuous ups and downs caused by our menstrual cycles. And what affect us, affects the people around us—in particular the people closest to us. Our friends, relatives, and significant others. It takes an incredible amount of inner strength to be the kind of people we want to be, when our brains just won’t work right. Even the most patient and loving person loses it at times—think of Jesus in the temple, ranting at the moneychangers.
So how can you expect yourself to be any better, or different? How can you have the kind of relationships you want?
The first step is awareness. First you have to realize and accept that your PMDD is a part of you, and isn’t going to go away, not without making some serious changes in your life. The more awareness you have, the better it gets, but it never really goes away. You have to stay vigilant, and when you slip, as we all inevitably do, there’s a very good chance our symptoms will return.
So how do you gain this awareness? By taking the time to listen to your body and be good to yourself. Your first, and most important relationship, needs to be the relationship you have with yourself. You’ve got to take care of you, before you can take care of anyone else. You’ve got to love yourself, before you can truly love someone else, no matter who that someone else might be.
Most PMDD women spend a great deal of time hating ourselves. Beating ourselves up, for things over which we have no control—in particular our thoughts and moods, which then affect our words and actions. I don’t need to tell you how the cycle goes. You’ve already been there, done that, at least once a month for as long as you’ve had PMDD.
So the first thing you have to do, no matter how awful may think you are, or might have been to yourself in others in the past, is to stop beating yourself up. Just stop it. Right here. Right now. Stop it. You are who you are, and that’s where you start. Don’t be dragging all that baggage from past PMDD episodes along with you. Let go of it and start anew. Today is a new day, and today you are going to be good to yourself, if only for a few minutes.
Because change is hard, and works the best if you do it in baby steps. Not many of us can suddenly start shoving everyone else aside to carve out time to be good to ourselves. We have commitments and responsibilities, and if we’re very lucky, people who depend on us for some measure of support, comfort, and stability.
But we also have a commitment and responsibility to ourselves, to be as good to ourselves as we can possibly be. That doesn’t mean chucking it all and hopping the next plane or cruise ship to some exotic destination, as tempting as that sounds. It just means take a few minutes, either at the beginning or the end of your day—or even in the middle, if you miraculously find yourself alone for a few minutes with nobody around you wanting or needing something from you—and remember what it is that makes you happy.
The choices are as limitless as the number of people reading this. Each one of us has at least one thing in this world that makes us truly happy, probably a couple dozen such things if we really take the time to think about it, but for now, just start with one. What is it that makes you happy?
Now what do you need to do or change to make that situation happen? How far are you right now from making that happen? What do you need to do right now to get there? Is it something you do, or something you want to do for someone else? Is it some way of being? If it’s something you do, then what do you need right now to do it? Do you need ingredients? Supplies? Or do you just need to pick up the phone and call someone? Send them a letter or card? Get in the car and go and see them? Or do you just need to cross the room?
Figure out what it is you need, then figure out a time when you can do it. If you’re not doing anything right now, then get started. Make a list if you want to. Write it down. Then put it somewhere you’ll see it often. Go to the store if you have to, to get those supplies or ingredients. If you’re not feeling up to doing that, then work with what you have right around you. Do you like to doodle? Read? Pray? Listen to music? Take a bath or long, hot shower? Talk to friends? Cook? Sing? Dance? Sew? Garden? Take walks? Maybe playing with your children brings you joy. Or spending time with a pet. Spending time with your significant other. Not everybody recharges best when they are alone.
The bottom line is whatever it is that makes you happy, find a way to do it. Nobody should deny you the time and space you need to soothe your spirit and settle yourself. If they try, be gentle but firm. Say I’m doing this for me, so that I can be a better mother, spouse, partner, sibling, daughter to you. Be the change you want to see in the world, and your world will change around you.
But don’t expect it to happen overnight. Part of the problem is we live in a world of quick fixes and instant gratification. People have come to expect things to be easy, to right themselves with the swipe of a credit card, the popping of a pill, the immediacy of a text message. With PMDD, it doesn’t work that way. With PMDD, you have to work doubly hard to be the change you want to see in the world, because not only are you bumping up against the rest of the world, who most of the time is bumping back (to say the least), half the time you’re fighting yourself.
But it’s not really yourself you’re fighting. It’s your PMDD. I don’t want to be like this, you say. Then don’t. Stop fighting your PMDD. Accept it and roll with it. Start where you are, and start being good to yourself, by eating right, getting enough rest, taking the time you need to calm and settle yourself, then listening to your body and giving it what it needs, and listening to your heart and doing the same.
As your relationship with yourself improves, little by little, your relationships with others will improve, and your PMDD won’t be running (or ruining) your life anymore. Eventually, it will end up being nothing more than a bad memory.
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

A Summary of What A PMDD Woman Needs to Avoid So Far...

Today I’m going to do a summary of the past few blog posts. I’ve chosen to start with sharing what NOT to do if you want to feel better as opposed to starting with what you CAN do to feel better. Why? Because even if you do the kinds of things which in a perfect world should make anyone feel better--such as eat whole foods, drink plenty of filtered water, exercise, and get plenty of rest—as long as you’re still doing the kinds of things that can make your PMDD worse all your positive efforts won’t matter. At best you’ll be canceling out the good with the bad and will still feel miserable and won’t have any idea why. You only get even more frustrated because your well-intentioned efforts to the good don’t seem to make any difference, and you might want to give up on trying, and then give up on hope.

Never give up hope. Never. This disorder can be managed, and it can be done without surgery or drugs.

You just have to be very careful about the way you live your life. You have to increase your awareness of the world around you, and you have to make conscious choices as to what to accept and what to avoid. If you don’t make your own health and wellbeing a priority, nobody else will, and that’s a fact. That much is true for anyone with any kind of condition. Nobody is going to do the hard work for you. You have to do it for yourself. PMDD is no different from any other disorder in that regard.

Fortunately, a lot of what contributes to overall health and wellbeing—and what detracts from it—is the same no matter what your condition. But in the case of a PMDD woman, since we are extra sensitive to just about everything, we need to be extra careful with what we eat, drink, and ingest.

That said, just a few of the things we need to avoid in order to feel better are listed below:

1. Chlorinated pools
2. Alcohol
3. Caffiene—this includes energy drinks as well as caffeinated coffee, tea, and cocoa
4. Chocolate—with the exception of a small piece of dark chocolate daily
5. Nicotine
6. Refined sweeteners—including sugar, corn syrup, high fructose corn syrup, or any processed sweetener.
7. Sugar-Free Food and Drinks—including Splenda (Sucralose)—(you know what gives Splenda that lovely granulated look that reminds you of sugar? Chlorination!)--Nutrasweet and Equal (Aspertame)
8. Prescription Drugs in General, but especially
9. Anti-Depressants
10. Birth Control Pills, Yaz in particular (see video at the bottom of the page)
and
11. Artificial Hormone Replacement Therapy
(not bio-identical hormone replacement therapy)
12. Over The Counter Drugs in General
13. NSAIDS in particular
14. Processed food—anything containing sugar, corn syrup or high fructose corn syrup in particular
15. Low Fat Everything -- just eat less instead of buying all that low-fat stuff—studies show it doesn’t work to help you lose weight anyway
16. Artificial Anything

This is impossible, you say. I can’t avoid all of that. Fine. Don’t. Keep putting stuff in your body that makes you feel rotten, then going to doctors for drugs that aren’t helping and in fact make you feel even worse. It’s your choice. All I’m here to do is make you aware that you do have other choices. They are hard choices, to be sure, and confusing choices at times, because of all of the conflicting information out there, but you know the truth. Your body tells you the truth every day. It tells you by the way you feel. Your body knows you CAN live without all these substances you’ve come to depend on to get you through your day, and you CAN feel better.

Put it this way:
What do you have to lose by giving up any or all of the things listed above?
What do you have to gain?

Think about it. Awareness is the key. I can’t say that enough. I still drink an occasional diet soda, take the occasional ibuprofen, eat the occasional piece of pie. But I do it knowing what I’m putting into my body, and knowing I will pay for it later. I make that choice consciously and as time goes on, the longer I am away from any of the substances listed above, the worse it makes me feel if I one day decide to have something I know I shouldn’t.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. I’m writing this for the women who don’t even know or realize these things are a problem, and are contributing to their misery. For women who want to understand what’s wrong with them and want to find out things they personally can do to feel better.

Sometimes it’s easier to give up something (like cookies or wine or NSAIDs) than to start something new (like meditation or exercise or taking a daily nap). So pick something to give up, just one thing for now, and let me know how it goes. In time, you’ll be able to pick another, then another. But for now start slow. Doing so gives you a much better chance of success. Too much change at once will only overwhelm you until you feel deprived and cranky and throw up your hands in defeat and frustration. Been there, done that. Who hasn’t?

If you have any questions, please ask them here (in the comments section) or send me an email at info (at) livingwithpmdd.com. I will address your question either privately via email or here in general (no names mentioned) in a future blog. I want to know what you want to know about.

Have a blessed week, and if you do nothing else, simply take a moment to stop be aware of what you reach for in the course of a day.