A PMDD Valentine: Not All Chocolates Are Equal

For Valentine's Day, a post about chocolate (and a few other things), first written in 2009, but updated and still relevant today.

Having come freshly off a week of spending up close and personal time with my evil twin, who kicked my butt so badly the last day she was here I had to take a three-hour nap in the middle of the day, on top of getting a full night's sleep, today I feel uber-qualified to write about how it feels to experience PMDD. The thing is, now that the episode (aka her latest visit) is over, it's the last thing I want to think about.

I look around and see all that didn't get done over the week, the laundry piling up, the floors that need to be cleaned, the clutter of all I didn't feel up to coping with and simply set aside, and would much rather regain some semblance of control over my life—if only its external appearance—than write about the dark place I inhabited for eight full days and change this time around.

Why such a long visit this time? I think I know. I think it had something to do with my recent road trip: the stress of travel, the staying up later than usual, sleeping in strange environments, the change in diet, the miniscule amount of alcohol consumed, although in comparison to my usual alcohol intake, it was a big jump. Add that to the copious amounts of caffeine I consumed while on the road, the pasta-heavy fare at the conference, and I think I'm getting the picture. At home, I'm usually alcohol and caffeine free-or close to it. An occasional cup of coffee, usually one cup of caffeinated tea in the morning, if I feel the need, and chocolate only when "the cravings" come.  I hadn't had pasta or bread in weeks before the conference.

Why? All of these are bad for women with PMDD. Caffeine, alcohol, sugar, flour, hence the bread and pasta. But why am I so sensitive to their effects? I know women who practically live on caffeine and sugar, others who drink freely, others who love their bread and pasta. Is it possible they feel as miserable as I do, or more so, but deny their misery and continue to self-medicate with food and drink?

Because attempts to self-medicate is what these addictions (for lack of a better word) are. My research is showing there are very few true physical addictions in life. Most compulsions are emotionally or psychologically based. Only in rare cases is an addiction physiological.

That's not to say we can't get cravings. But cravings are cravings, temporary urges for some kind of substance to relieve our mental, emotional, or physical discomfort. Cravings are not addictions, although when you are in the throes of one, it can feel like an addiction. But as someone writing a book on dealing with addiction recently pointed out to me, "You're not going to stick a gun in someone's face for a piece of cake."

Cravings are the body's signals that some physiological need is not being met. You're low on some vital nutrient, to be exact. Your body is saying, for instance, "I'm low on magnesium," and you feel a sudden urge to eat a banana, or some almonds, maybe some oatmeal, or, yes, some chocolate.

Chocolate is one of the best known substances we crave. What confuses the issue with chocolate is not only its physical healing properties (of which there are many), but its emotional associations. We associate chocolate with feeling good. But not all chocolate is equal. Some are better for us than others. Much better. Others are almost useless, physiologically speaking. In the example above, a banana would provide as much magnesium as a 1.5 ounce chocolate candy bar, but a handful of almonds or cashews would provide almost three times as much magnesium as either the banana or candy bar.

So why do we reach for chocolate? It's as much for the emotional fix as the nutrients needed. More confusion arises when we don't know the difference between types of chocolate, due to the marketing and advertising claims of their manufacturers. Manufacturers is the key word here. Quality chocolates from true chocolatiers abound with the beneficial properties of chocolate. True dark chocolate is a rich source of flavanoids and antioxidants, with the cacao bean containing more than twice as many antioxidants the so-called superfoods like blueberries, kale, spinach, or broccoli.

It's the cheap, mass-marketed brands that—while they may contain tiny amounts of chocolate's beneficial properties—have processed most of the antioxidants and flavanoids right out of the chocolate. To derive any benefit from eating these lower quality chocolates, you need to eat way more than is healthy for you. When this happens, the negatives outweigh the positives—and you could end up outweighing all your friends.

If that's not enough, did you know that adding milk to your chocolate, or even drinking milk with your chocolate can negate its good effects?

Meanwhile you're bewildered, thinking, "Chocolate is supposed to be good for me, right? Milk is supposed to be healthy for me. Isn't that what the ads say? By eating chocolate and drinking milk, I'm doing something good for my body, right? So why do I feel so miserable?"

Because all the chocolate in the world isn't going to solve your problems, honey, and while I may crave it like mad at times, neither is it going to make my PMDD go away. For all its mood-enhancing abilities, even the finest Belgian chocolate won't "cure" dysphoria.

Dysphoric is the opposite of euphoric. Euphoric means happy, dysphoric means depressed. As in depression. But only pre-menstrually, which I suppose can be considered a blessing.

In some atypical cases, however, the dysphoria can come AFTER a woman begins her period. Lucky me, I'm atypical. Mine usually starts on Day 3, if it's going to come. It doesn't always come. Which is what drives me batty, trying to keep on top of what I need to do—or to avoid—to keep it from returning.

I lead too full and rich a life to keep being knocked flat by this unwelcome change in my body. It makes me feel like I'm constantly behind—on everything.

As women, we all know "it will never get done," but to have something come along and steal a full week or more out of your month, something that no matter what you do or don't do seems to be totally beyond your control...it's more than frustrating. It's crazymaking.

I'm here to tell you you're not crazy. I'm here to tell you there are scientifically proven physiological reasons for why you crave the things you do—like carbs—and what happens to your body as a result of that. I'm here to tell you there's help, and hope, but it's far from easy, living in a body that seems to have a will of its own at times, and a manufacturing and marketing culture that promotes unhealthy foods as healthy because of their base ingredients, while completely ignoring the toxic effects of their processing processes.

That said, the first step is to forgive yourself for falling short of your own expectations, and to understand that what is happening to you is as involuntary a response as an allergic reaction. You cannot control it. You can try to soften it, to be sure, by living a universally healthy lifestyle (once you understand what that truly is) but you cannot control it.

Nor can you deny it and simply plow through it, as most women do. We have commitments, responsibilities, schedules, and deadlines. We have people counting on us to be there for them.

But first, we have to learn how to be there for ourselves. My book PMDD and Relationships, addresses this topic in detail. I can hit on a subject here and there in a blog post, but the book...the book covers it all, from start to finish. And if you are a partner here looking for information about PMDD and how to live with the woman you love: PMDD: A Handbook for Partners is for you. Click on the book covers in the sidebar for more information.

So be good to yourself today, and every day, and when it comes to chocolate—insist on the good stuff. 

Because you are most definitely worth it.

Happy Valentine's Day, all!

Remember: When it comes to chocolate, the darker, the better.  You might have to work your way up to it (I'm now at 70% cacao), as it can taste bitter at first.  But the darker it is, the better it is for you (and your blood pressure!).  And don't drink milk with it because that interferes with your body's ability to absorb the antioxidants in the chocolate and therefore dims its beneficial/healing effects.

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily.   More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.

More Tips For Partners Dealing With PMDD

Last week’s post, while it will go a long way toward stabilizing your relationship with a woman in the throes of a PMDD episode, was barely the tip of the iceberg. So this week I thought I’d continue with some tips and information on how to cope with your partner when she’s feeling her worst.

Once again, most articles I read in researching this post were about how awful it is for the partner, who has to deal with all sorts of aberrant behavior on the part of his or her loved one. In these articles, there doesn’t seem to be much understanding or empathy for the woman actually going through the brain changes over which she has no control.

So the first thing I want to emphasize once again is empathy. Put yourself in her place, and my guess is you’ll discover you wouldn’t want to have a body and brain you have no control over for several days a month. How would you feel if your thoughts—due to a biological disconnect between your brain and your mouth—came out as something else entirely—something actually hurtful to those you love the most? How would you feel if no matter how hard you tried to eat right and/or stay in shape, your body suddenly just wouldn’t cooperate? What if it actually undermined all your best efforts by bringing on intense cravings for things you know you shouldn’t eat, cravings for things that actually make your condition worse?

How would you feel if for up to half of your life, nothing you thought or said or did made sense?

One article I read said women could be touchy—touchy!—about being labeled as a raving lunatic for a few days a month. As if the women involved had no business being so sensitive. Who wants to be called insane? Do you?

It also said very few women will admit they’re affected by PMDD. Again, would you feel comfortable telling people, “Oh, don’t mind me, my mind just goes berserk every now and then?” Would you want the strange looks that come with such a statement, would you want people steering a wide path around you because you just admitted there’s something not quite right about you?

So don’t try to be helpful (or antagonistic) by pointing out her PMDD symptoms. She’s well aware of what she is feeling. Anxious, edgy, jittery, depressed, clumsy, fat, foolish, frightened, sleepy, weepy, ravenous, disorganized, out of control…the list goes on.

Even more important is that you don’t make fun of her for any of the above.

Again, if you knew people were going to ridicule you for something you have no control over, would you openly admit to having such a problem? How can any woman win the admiration and respect of the friends and family she loves and respects in such an antagonistic enviroment?

Your best bet is to save your meant-to-be-funny comments and war stories for your friends, to be shared privately, and simply act like nothing out of the ordinary is happening when the PMDD is in effect. Help to make your partner feel as accepted and normal as possible.

This does not mean you have to accept any kind of behavior she throws at you. Abuse is abuse, whether your partner means it or not. PMDD is an explanation, not an excuse, and you don’t have to accept abusive behavior under any conditions. For more on this, go to last week’s post.

Don’t spring any big surprises on her. Remember she’s doing everything she can just to cope with her everyday life, to stay on an even keel in a body emotionally tilting one way and then the other, just to get through the day without being labeled crazy. Big news, big plans, big surprises can wait for a day when she’s better equipped to handle them.

Besides, you should never trust any big decisions made while she is under the influence of her PMDD. This includes decisions she may come to regarding your relationship. If she says she wants out…do what you can to stay calm, and wait until the storm passes. If when it does she still wants out…then you have a different problem, and one that is beyond the scope of this blog.

Take it easy on social activities. If you felt like a beached whale and couldn’t seem to control what you put in your mouth, would you want to go to a party and spend it stuffing your face at the food table? A food binge can be great fun, if that’s what you want to be doing—if that’s your way of celebrating good times or good news. But if you’re watching your weight—and what woman isn’t at one point or another?—taking her food binge show on the road is the last thing she wants to be doing.

The same goes for her emotional outbursts. It’s hard enough to keep a lid on things at home. Do you really want to put her in a situation where she spends the evening either snarling at your friends and family or weeping at every little misinterpreted comment? Because during a PMDD episode, the PMDD brain will focus on the negative, and even if you didn’t say or mean anything negative at all, even if you compliment your partner, her brain is being flooded with negative thoughts and images, and eventually the dam will burst—putting a huge damper on your evening out.

And then she’ll feel miserable about it. About ruining your plans/evening/event. Whether she did or did not, and whether she admits it or not, she will blame herself for anything that goes wrong during these dark periods of time in her cycle.

So remember to track her symptoms and plan social events to avoid head-to-head conflicts with her PMDD episodes if at all possible. She’ll appreciate you all the more for your understanding.

Be understanding of her cravings. Both men and women seek comfort food when they are feeling miserable. During a PMDD episode, a woman will especially seek carbs. Doing so is a natural way to boost, for instance, the level of serotonin* in her body, and she knows this on a subconscious level. Where it gets confusing is the food and advertisement industries have done their best to convince us certain foods and drinks are healthy when they are not. So while on a very primitive level, your partner is craving something to boost any number of feel-good hormones in her body and make her feel better, what manifests is a desire to eat everything in sight in the hopes of finding that magic solution.

It’s best to have good quality carbs already on hand for when these cravings strike. I find that multi-grain toast with no-added sugar jam (not artificial sweeteners, as they can make PMDD symptoms worse), a bowl of whole or multi-grain cereal with almond or cashew milk, or a bit of good quality dark chocolate does the trick. When we consume large amounts of cheap chocolate candy (or cereal) we are looking for the same effect, but in the wrong place. The added calories from the sugar and fat that come along with the added amount of chocolate needed to reach the same feel-good hormone boost as a good quality piece of chocolate only cause our PMDD symptoms to worsen. They also cause us to gain weight.

But sometimes, the woman’s level of feel-good hormones dips so low that nothing short of a pizza will do. If that’s the case, then go for it guilt free. You might even plan pizza night around her cycle, and see if that improves things.

Take on some of her workload. Whatever you can do to help out, do it with an attitude of love, not resentment. If she asks you to help around the house, do what she asks. If she wants you to run an errand, please do the same. The slightest bit of effort to appreciate what she’s going through will go a long way toward soothing her, and is it really worth the effort to argue over whose turn it is to take out the trash?

It’s true that things that don’t usually bother her will bother her greatly when she’s having an episode. Just keep in mind who your real partner is, and go along with what she says. The sooner you do, the sooner her episode will pass.

That’s right, stress will prolong her episode, so if you want it to end sooner, the best thing you can do is to go along to get along, as long as it’s a reasonable request.

If you’re a mature adult, you know what reasonable and unreasonable is. We don’t need to go into it here.

Treat her like you appreciate her. Every woman loves to be appreciated, no matter what mood she’s in. During an episode of PMDD, with all those negative thoughts running an endless loop inside her head, your partner needs extra special care. Reassurance is always nice, but might not be believed or accepted. Understand that the negative thoughts in her brain are overwhelming the positive ones you’re trying to get across. Be patient. Be persistent. Let her know you care, and you’re there for her if she needs you. She’ll meet you more than half way if she possibly can.

If she doesn’t, it’s because she can’t, or doesn’t understand enough about what’s happening to stop the train of negative thoughts in her mind. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, or doesn’t love you. It’s not about you at all. So remember that, and try not to take the things she says and does personally. In a few days time, the woman you love will return, and when she does, it would be a good time to discuss what may have gone wrong during her most recent episode.

A lot of women will want to forget what happened, pretend it didn’t happen at all, and that’s quite normal, but not the best way to deal with it. Talking it out with your partner when she’s feeling herself is the best way to prevent unwanted behaviors and situations in the future.

The bible says it best : Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ~ 1 Corinthians 13

All a woman with PMDD is looking for is the same thing everyone wants—love and acceptance.

The more you accept, the less you’ll have to. What we resist persists. So don’t fight your partner’s PMDD. Go with it, roll with it--and watch the waves grow smaller over time. 

For more information, check out my book, specifically written for partners of women with PMDD. 

*Serotonin is only ONE of several feel-good hormones in our body.  The serotonin-deficiency theory highly touted as the answer to PMDD has never been proven, but has been marketed heavily to women with PMDD.  More on this in another post.

PMDD and Losing Weight

I apologize for the inconvenience, but this post is currently undergoing renovations.

The bottom line is losing weight by conventional methods (eating less, exercising more) is impossible without making your PMDD worse.  Before you embark on any intense exercise program or diet, you must know what is going on with your hormones--and that includes your thyroid hormones. It's not just about estrogen and progesterone.  The thyroid plays a huge role in body metabolism, so please be sure to get yours checked regularly.  And if the test results fall in the normal range, but you are still experiencing low thyroid symptoms, keep looking for a medical practitioner who will work with you.  It is vital to your health and wellbeing.

Details when I complete the update of this post.  Thank you for your patience.