The Voices of PMDD - Battling the Darkness

Today's powerful guest post was written by Amanda Van Slyke, Founder and Editor-in-Chief of Flurt Magazine.  For more information, please visit Flurt's Facebook Page.

Every month around this time the darkness swallows me up. It seems to happen in an instant, where I previously felt more creative and fulfilled than I've felt in a long time. Just before the lights go out, I climb mountains of work that I've been trying to reach for weeks. I write essays full of passion and reach out to others for emotional connection. I walk down the street smiling ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the torture I see others endure online. They post about how they can't do this anymore – about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork it's the same thing – feelings of hopelessness, loneliness and isolation. But I am happy. I eat well and do yoga and meditate and run – everything you're supposed to do to get rid of the darkness. I think that if only people did what I did, they'd feel just as great as I do. I am the exception to the rule.

When I was younger, I came to a point where I'd felt like I had already died. I was a shell of a person, barely leaving my bed because of the fatigue and depression, stuffing my face with whatever temporarily took away the pain. I barely escaped to the west coast to get away from the darkness before it swallowed me whole – and I saw a lifestyle that could make me feel better. I stopped drinking, stopped eating sugar and dairy and gluten – and I know how you all feel about gluten, but it worked. For the first time in my life, my face cleared up. My bloated belly flattened. When I filled my body with fuel instead of poison, my energy started to come back. My depression started to lift. I could feel the oxygen coming back into my bloodstream. The more I took care of my body, the more I saw God through me – and I was an atheist.

I know that sometimes people take medication – SSRIs mixed with therapeutic conversation – and believe me, I've been on so many pills I considered swallowing them all at once. But pills took away something far deeper than the darkness – they took away my ability to feel your toes tingle and your whole body remember what spirituality feels like. And for me, I'm not willing to give up my God – the one that speaks to me through my own moans and screams. To me, feeling that numbness inside me might as well as be the death of me. So I tapered off my medication – well, after I tried to go cold turkey, and my boyfriend almost broke up with me. When I finally felt I was myself again – the one I had been searching for and didn't know could exist – I wanted everyone to know about the revolution.

And the revolution came in a plant based crusade. I felt like I had finally found a cure for the darkness. I went two years without eating meat, and I was so skinny my panties fell to the floor. But I still said that I was part of the movement. I shared photos of my recipes online, and talked about how well I was doing. But away from the limelight my diet fluctuated just as much as much as my mood. Just like I'd tapered off my medication, I tapered off fuel for my body, replacing it with poison – processed foods that were easy, thinking that just a little bit of junk food would make the pain go away. Because the pain never did, regardless of what I was eating. If I gave in and reached for the poison, it would spread throughout my body and the pain would inflate my belly and the lights would go out. And then I would say, "Screw it," like the people online that I thought just needed to be more like me.

I know now the darkness is inevitable. I know I need to do my best to choose the light – and that I won't choose it every day, nor will anyone else – even the gurus on Instagram who post photos of food I don't have the money to make. Because the darkness isn't a place where you only go when you're weak. Diet and exercise and medication is for the privileged – and I'm privileged enough – but sometimes I don't have much money for food or the will to leave my apartment, so I reach for something I know will be easy but harder in the long run. And then I spiral down – feeling hopeless, lonely, and isolated – where my only friend is the poison that I know will kill me. Because people die from this.

The darkness leaves you feeling like there's a hole where your heart should be – where you try to fill it with things to make the pain subside. Junk food, alcohol, sex, and drugs. But the real misery comes when you realize these things are never going to be enough. It comes from the knowledge that only finding self love can fill that hole – and trying to love yourself is hard when you never did. Once you see it's just you and the darkness, you can either stay up til morning or go to sleep. And while it's easy to say some are weak for not fighting, I don't blame them.

Because right now, I am unhappy. I walk around my apartment with swollen eyes, moping about how I'm just like everyone else, posting online about how I can't do this anymore, about how it happens every month, and every month like clockwork the darkness returns. But I know that soon the light will appear – so for today, I eat well, do yoga, meditate and run. I know it isn't a “cure,” but I know the more I take care of my body the more I'll see God through me. And maybe she can give me strength so I can see the light another day and remember what it's like to be happy – to smile ear to ear, thinking that maybe – hopefully, this time – I've escaped the darkness.

Surviving the Holidays with PMDD

Wow, here I am, a year later, still researching my post on progesterone...there's so much information, pro and con, to sift through.  I seem to uncover new information daily and it's all conflicting.

 

You see, the truth is, I want to be able to say progesterone is good for you and it works miracles for your PMDD...unfortunately, that is not what I am finding...

 

So I keep looking.  But I think it's time to stop researching, and just write the post.

In the meantime, going in to the holiday season, I thought we might revisit a few posts on relationships to remind ourselves of what's important, what's not, and what we can do about it.

Here are the links to my series of posts about all sorts of relationships, because between now and when life settles down again in January, we'll most likely be dealing with more people than we do the rest of the year combined. So bookmark this page, and refer to it as needed :)

Relationships Begin With You

Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

HOW to be a Friend to Yourself

Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Choosing Your Family

How to Survive Family Gatherings

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Finding the Right Partner

Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

and, as a reminder,

They Only See Our Failures

Take care, God Bless, and may your holidays be happy.

Preparing Ahead for Your PMDD

Hello and welcome...today we have a fantastic guest post by Renell that was originally posted on Facebook.  I've chosen to add my two cents worth in italics (Sorry! It's the writer/editor in me!) so if it reads like two people are talking here, that's why.  Please feel free to leave any positive suggestions YOU might have for coping with/managing your PMDD in the comments section.  I'm sure we could all use a bit of help in that area.  Thank you for stopping by, and may this help you in preparing for the next time your PMDD comes around...

I now turn the keyboard over to Renell...

Hi, everyone!  I'll get right down to business: In recognizing a common theme in the comments on the Facebook PMDD loops I belong to, I'd like to offer some tips for support I've found helpful in my own therapy. We all know that every single month like clockwork our hormones will wreak havoc and PMDD will rear its ugly head. If you're anything like me, you suffer through it and once the symptoms subside you're so glad to feel normal again that you forget you have PMDD at all.

Or at least we want to forget!  This is one of the places where denial comes in...when the episode is over and we want to just pretend it didn't happen, so we don't have to deal with all the problems we created during the episode.  Unfortunately...

PMDD will remind you it's here to stay once that dreaded ovulation day rolls around yet again. Embracing this disorder means we need to accept its existence in our lives and plan for it.

I like that...embracing this disorder.  Might as well, because it's not going to go away.

Let's try to be proactive rather than reactive to our PMDD. Here are some ways you can plan ahead. These tips are useful whether you choose natural therapy or medication to relieve your symptoms.

1. Mark off the dreaded luteal phase on your calendar for the upcoming month so you know when the PMDD symptoms will likely begin.

2. Plan your activities around these days according to how your mood is likely to accept them. Make sure your partner knows what's going on as well so that he/she can help you with extra support.

3. Do housecleaning or laundry ahead of time. I clean the entire house the week before my luteal phase so that when I am in the PMDD zone I don't have major cleaning to be bothered with. It also helps to relax in a nice clean house.   I love this idea, Renell!

4. If you only take meds during your luteal phase and they take a few days to kick in, consider taking them a few days early so they have already kicked in on the first day of ovulation (Warning: Discuss this with your Dr. if you're not sure that this is okay given the type of meds you are taking)
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5. If you are highly irritable during your PMDD episodes schedule time to be alone. Sometimes it's hard for us to be around anyone during this time. Don't feel bad for needing this and do whatever you can to carve out time for yourself.  (I added the bold).

6. If you are prone to getting depressed during this time, schedule time to be around supportive friends who can help. No sense in going through this alone. Calling a friend or family member over to simply talk in your sweats or pj's helps quite a bit.

7. Shop ahead. Stock the fridge with healthy foods like leafy greens, fruits and healthy carbs to boost your energy during this phase. You'll crave junk food and if you already have healthy food on hand you'll be less likely to drive through a fast food joint for a greasy salt, sugar, and fat-laden meal that will only make you feel worse.

8. This one is important: Lower your alcohol intake. Again if you're anything like me you'll start guzzling the wine in hopes that it will relieve your anxiety. I don't usually get drunk, just a glass or two at a time. But doing this every night for weeks is not a good thing and the alcohol can actually make our anxiety and depression worse. It can lead to alcohol dependency among other serious health problems. It also is dangerous to mix with many medications that a lot of us are on. I personally recommend that you stay away from alcohol altogether during your luteal phase. It's just not worth it and its effects are deceiving.

She's right, ladies.  Alcohol is a depressant, and when you're already depressed....sure, it makes you feel good and alive and dare I say "normal" for a couple of hours—maybe—but after that, our bodies pay in ways we can't even imagine.  Renell has addressed the obvious, the possibility of alcohol dependency and the danger of mixing your meds with alcohol.  But alcohol can also mess up your blood glucose situation and don't forget....when we're having a PMDD episode every negative thought is magnified many times over, plus...our brain isn't processing information correctly to start with. 
 
So why add alcohol into that mix?

Just think about it the next time you reach for that attempt at self-medication.  Try doing something good for your body instead.  Something you've prepared for ahead of time.

Okay, now it's your turn. What are some DO AHEAD ideas that have helped you plan for your PMDD?

PMDD and Why Me?

Okay, we’ve heard enough stories for a while of what it’s like to have PMDD.We all know what it is by now.  And we know there is not much we can do about it once an episode hits.  The best we can hope for is to ride out the storm.  So a question I’m sure all of us have asked at one point or another is Why Me?

 Well, today I’m going to look into the possibilities I’ve uncovered so far.   First, however, a little background.  When does PMDD happen?  And How does PMDD progress? 

You don’t get it before your first period.  Girls, on average, in part due to the tremendous amount of environmental toxins being dumped into our lives, are now getting their first period at age 12.  Your probability of developing PMDD increases with each hormonal event in your life thereafter: pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, or birth.  (You do not experience PMDD when you are pregnant, because you are not menstruating.) With each new pregnancy, your chances of developing PMDD increase.  And unless your PMDD is addressed, it will continue to worsen with each hormonal event, and as you age, becoming increasingly difficult through perimenopause, until it stops when you reach menopause.

But don’t start cheering yet…if your PMDD is not addressed before menopause, you run the serious risk of developing Major Depressive Disorder after menopause. 

The average age of menopause is 51. 

So, that means, on average, women have approximately 40 years during which we can develop PMDD.

What causes PMDD?

Nobody knows for sure just yet, but scientists do know it is a biological event that manifests as emotional symptoms.  What does that mean?  It means PMDD is caused by something that happens in your body and shows itself in your moods.  The closest science has come to defining what happens is that whatever happens, happens in concert with your menstrual cycle, and involves your hormones.  The hormones they are looking at the most these days are estrogen and progesterone.  It’s not that you have too much or too little, or maybe not even the balance between them, as this is still being studied, but that something goes awry in your brain when processing these hormonal fluctuations in your body.

That’s right.  Something goes wrong in your brain.  No news to us, right?  We’ve known all along something wasn’t right with our brains, with our thinking processes, during an episode of PMDD.  Why else would we say and do the things we say and do during an episode and not the rest of the month?

But I won’t go into all of that right now.  For now it’s good enough to know there is a biological “something” that happens where our brain does not properly process the fluctuating levels of our reproductive hormones during the second half of our menstrual cycle.  This leads to a disconnect in the brain, like when an extension cord comes apart from a plug, or when your cell phone coverage drops.  The result of this disconnect is a depletion of serotonin in the brain, the neurotransmitter that in part governs our moods, and our ability to be happy. 

This is why we crave carbs.  Carbs increase the level of serotonin in our bodies, and therefore improve our moods.  Problem is, most of us reach for the WRONG kind of carbs.  You know who you are and what you eat.  Not just any carbs will do.  But that’s the subject of another post. 

This is why doctors prescribe anti-depressants.  Certain antidepressants, called SSRI’s, help to increase the level of serotonin in our brains.  Problem is, we’re not low on serotonin all the time, and antidepressants come with a bunch of side effects that can make your symptoms worse.  Plus they don’t work at all for at least 40% of the women who take them.  (So if you’re one of the 40% or more, don’t blame yourself!)

This is why doctors prescribe birth control pills.  Birth control pills keep you from ovulating, which is the main cause of this shift in your hormones that your brain does not process correctly.  But again, this is treating only the symptoms and not the underlying cause, and birth control pills have their own array of side effects -- including death. 

Never mind that some women would rather be dead than suffer from another episode of PMDD.  I, for one, am not interested in taking something that could kill me when there are so many less drastic options to try.

Which brings me to the question of what contributes to PMDD?  Weight, lifestyle habits, including smoking, drinking, drug use, caffeine and sugar consumption, stress, trauma, abuse, and yes, genetics.  We’ll get more into genetics in another post.  For now it’s enough to know that in some cases, you really “can’t” help what happens to you when you’re experiencing an episode of PMDD.  It could be in your genes.

And if it’s in your genes, you’re not going to be able to cure it with a magic pill, be it synthetic or natural.  The best you can hope to do is manage the condition.

So what can you do about your PMDD?

You can address the things that apply to you. I’m not going to touch weight, because there are sooo many factors that go into a woman being overweight that it’s the most difficult of all for us to address.  (That’s a whole other blog post in itself as well, maybe even two or three.)  But yes, you can quit smoking, yes, you can cut down on your drinking, maybe even eliminate it altogether.  Same goes for caffeine -  you can cut out caffeine and not die – not like other options mentioned above.   You can cut back and even eliminate eating sugar.  And please do not make the mistake of thinking sugar substitutes are the answer to the situation.  If you’re determined to go that route, you’d be better off to keep eating sugar.  Raw sugar if you must, but no sugar is the best route of all.  Sugar feeds PMDD, and it also feeds cancer.  So think about it, and do what you can.

If you’re a sedentary soul, you can get more exercise.  Two to three half hour walks a week will do wonders for your PMDD.  45 minutes is even better.  Work your way up to whatever time you can spare.  Really, how can you not spare the time, when your life is at stake? 

Over-exercising is just as bad as not getting enough exercise.  More on why some other time.

Stress – starting to sound like a broken recording here, I know.  The stresses in our lives are as numerous and varied as our PMDD symptoms.  You know yours.  Get rid of them.   Don’t you deserve a better life? 

Rest – get as much as you can, especially during an episode.  Learn how to “Just Say No.”  Start small and work your way up.  And do it gently.  Don’t put it off until it becomes a snarl.

Nutrition – there’s a reason fresh, whole foods are good for you.  They’re packed with the nutrients your body, including your brain, needs to function properly.  You can’t get good nutrition from a box any more.  It just doesn’t happen.  And taking high quality, pharmaceutical grade vitamin supplements (not the cheap ones!) does help, but it doesn’t by a long shot make up for what you can do to make yourself feel better by simply eating foods as close to their natural state as possible.  Vitamins are meant to boost your nutritional balance, not replace what you lost from not eating right and depleting your body’s nutrients when you drink, smoke, and/or take drugs -- even common over the counter drugs. 

So there are a lot of things you can do to make your PMDD better.  Most, however, require time and effort.  It takes time to make good, healthy meals.  It takes time to listen to your body and become aware of what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse.  It takes time to find the right treatment for your particular symptoms.  It takes time to make time for you, take time out for rest and relaxation, or deal with those messy stresses eating up your life.  It takes time to become comfortable with your emotions.  It takes time to work on your relationships.  It takes time to quit using the crutches you’ve been using to get through your however many years of PMDD.

But think of how many more years you have to go, and how it will only get worse if you don’t do something about it.  Do you want to spend your golden years depressed?

I know I don’t.  And I don’t want you to have to do it, either. 

You didn’t ask for the hand of cards you were dealt.  The best you can do is learn how to play them.  The information is out there. The willpower is inside you.  Are you going to sit around asking Why Me?

Or are you going to come to the table and say, Not Me. Not Today.

One day at a time.  That’s all you need to work with.  One hour at a time, if that’s all you have.  Pick one positive thing mentioned in this post, and do it for yourself, do it today.  Do the same thing tomorrow.  Keep doing it, one day at a time, until you have it down.  Then pick something else, and start the process all over again.  Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

You can do it.  Because PMDD women are strong.  Super strong.  We have to be, with all that we have to deal with.

Liana is the author of PMDD and Relationships, a book written to help a woman with PMDD gain personal awareness, and insight into why she says and does the things she does.  PMDD: A Handbook for Partners, was written to help explain the unexplainable to partners of women with PMDD.  Either one of them can be used as a resource on tips for how to handle PMDD, or as a conversation starter for someone who wants to explain their PMDD to a loved one to someone they care about.  Both are available in ebook from Amazon and Smashwords (Kobo, ibooks, Nook, and Overdrive), and in print from Amazon, and the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders, or IAPMD.  For more information, please check out Liana's Facebook Page, Living with PMDD.