PMDD in the Trenches -- A Partner Speaks Out

Hello. My wife is a survivor of PMDD and successfully had a hysterectomy last year.

Everybody's partner has their own unique perspective, story, and battle scars. However, I can only imagine what it is or was like for each and every woman that has battled uphill fighting PMDD. My story plays out in three segments: Pre-PMDD, PMDD in the trenches, and post-PMDD.  I'll present the first two here today.

Pre-PMDD: The Quiet Volcano

Before our daughter was born, my wife had fundamental characteristics, that looking back now could have somewhat prepared us for what was to be PMDD. However, I am not a doctor and I don't play one on TV and I am not the Amazing Kreskin, so in hindsight, it wasn't our fault that we were not able to predict the future. We had a wonderful courtship, engagement, and newlywed life; everything that you would want pre-children.

But bubbling under the surface was the volcano. I still somewhat to this day wished I had been a more cognizant partner. Maybe those fundamental characteristics could have prepared me to be on the lookout postpartum. I am a planner. I like to stick to schedules, show up on time, and live by the preparation sword. So you can imagine that when my wife and PMDD met; it was nothing you can prepare for.

No partner can gameplan to tackle PMDD head-on. Heck, 90% of the country hasn't even heard of it. Those of you who might be reading this as a partner, might feel the same way I did. I implore you to step back and give yourself some reprieve today and every day moving forward. Likely now you might be in the thick of it, or maybe you're in the [somewhat more peaceful] post-PMDD phase. All you can do [either way] is live in the present moment because there is no point--I promise you--in focusing on anything else [when you are in the throes of PMDD].

PMDD in the Trenches

I can honestly say there has never been a period in my life and during my married life that I felt the walls caving in like they were during "PMDD in the trenches." This is where all the battle scars happened, horrible words were thrown around, bombs dropped, and at the end of it all there were no winners. It was nearly a 5 year period of some of the most tumultuous scenes of my life played out for all to see sometimes, sometimes played out in a shroud of silence. Scenes that looked like they could have been on a Thursday Night Lifetime Movie event, or sometimes things that you see on the local news channel --Yeah, that bad. Remember, I'm a planner; I like things in order, I believe that all things have a place...I am a huge advocate for keeping my life as efficiently run as a possible. My wife having PMDD was the antithesis of all those things.

PMDD ran our life. It was a Gestapo, a real son of a bitch. My wife's life was controlled by a parasitic mind fuck over mind, body, and soul. It took everything out of her and undoubtedly took everything out of me. I wanted to quit. I wanted to run away. I wanted nothing more than to take my children away and never come back. I found solitude in imaginary places that existed far from my wife and far away from any PMDD.

For 2 weeks a month, we were at the mercy of PMDD. It had a massive effect on our lives. I lived by the theory of "hope." I continually held out hope that things would improve. Maybe this month she won't want to lock herself in the closet. Maybe this month she'll want to parent her children. Maybe this month she won't have a panic attack. Maybe this month she'll toughen up--Yes I was thinking that, sadly enough. I was desperate for truth...Desperate for answers....Desperate for normalcy.

I knew as much as she did. I knew probably as much as some of the doctors & therapists knew. What I knew more than anybody though is I still loved my wife through and through. I wasn't going to run, though I wanted to. I wasn't going to get divorced, though I wanted to. I just wanted PMDD to stop ruining our lives. I wanted my lovely wife healthy, happy, balanced, and present--no longer consumed by the heavy fog that is PMDD. I can honestly say we were both held as emotional hostages each and every month.  By a pair of ovaries.

Note from Liana:  A hysterectomy alone will not eliminate PMDD.  If you choose this treatment option, you  need to have the ovaries removed as well.  PMDD stems from something that starts in the ovaries.

I encourage you all today to hold out hope. Hope is all we have. Like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption said to Red, "Remember Red, hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." I am glad I held out hope because, know this....there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There is an end [to PMDD] and a post-PMDD world exists......

More on this next week.  

PMDD and Negativity

It may look like I'm just recycling posts, and I am to some extent, but these are really good posts that got shuffled down to the bottom of the popular posts list over time.  It doesn't mean they are any less informative or relevant.  Today's re-post is about the neural pathways we create in our brains, and how we can focus on turning around the negativity that comes with every episode of PMDD. 

In the meantime, I am working on three new posts, the first of which I hope to put up before the month is over.  All went well with my cerebral angiogram, I finally got the *all clear* for a full year, and so now I look forward to getting back into my research and writing, and having even more good posts and information for you to discover here at Living on A Prayer.

Thank you all for your encouragement and support this past year as I dealt with my aneurysms.  What a roller coaster ride it has been. 

Holiday Relationship Survival Guide

Still working on that post on progesterone...there's so much information, pro and con, to sift through.  I seem to uncover new information daily and it's all conflicting...

In the meantime, going in to the holiday season, I thought we might revisit a few posts on relationships to remind ourselves of what's important, what's not, and what we can do about it.

Here are the links to my series of posts about all sorts of relationships, because between now and when life settles down again in January, we'll most likely be dealing with more people than we do the rest of the year combined. So bookmark this page, and refer to it as needed :)

Relationships Begin With You

Learning to Treat Yourself Like a Friend

HOW to be a Friend to Yourself

Choosing Your Friends Wisely

Choosing Your Family

How to Survive Family Gatherings

It's Not Personal, It's Just Your PMDD

Finding the Right Partner

Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men

and, as a reminder,

They Only See Our Failures

Take care, God Bless, and may your holidays be happy.

PMDD and Neural Pathways

In next week's post (which I am already writing today), I'm going to talk about stressors specific to PMDD women.  I'm going to use words you may or may not have heard before.  Like neural pathways.  What does that mean?  Well, let's look at neural.  Neurology. Neurologist.  Having to do with nerves.  Ever have a pinched nerve or experience nerve pain?  Ever say to someone "You're getting on my nerves?"  A neural pathway is like a dirt road.  The more you use it, the more it gets worn down.  If you use it a lot, the road develops ruts.  When a road has ruts in it, you can get stuck in the mud. 

 

On the flip side of that, think of a pair of shoes.  Nothing better than a pair of shoes you've had so long that they feel totally comfortable. 

 

So we have these neural pathways in our brains.  The more we use them, the more they can either develop ruts we get stuck in, or the more comfortable they can become.   Sometimes we can get comfortable with things that are not good for us.  Like addiction and abuse.  But hey, they are familiar.  Better the devil I know than the one I don't.  So in times of stress, we reach for the familiar. Our brain sort of goes on autopilot and says "I know how to react to this" and sticks with the tried and true.

The brain does not distinguish between what is comfortable and what is a rut.  Left to its own devices, the brain just takes the path of least resistance.  To get a different result, or take a different path, you have to consciously choose to do so, and in a sense, give your brain instructions to do something different this time.  Because even while the brain reacts automatically, you are in control of your thoughts, your thoughts are not in control of you.

Hard to believe when you're in the middle of a PMDD episode, but bear with me here.

To take a different path, you have to let your brain know that's what you want to do.  It will be hard, of that there is no doubt.  Your brain has been conditioned to doing things a certain way.  It's quite content to keep doing things this way.  Basically, you have to re-train your brain. 

 

I'd much rather slip into a comfortable pair of shoes than get stuck in a dirt road rut. 

 

Screaming and yelling and crying and creating all sorts of drama is sinking into the rut.  Taking a deep breath, holding your tongue, going for a walk or into a room by yourself to calm down is breaking in a new pair of shoes.  It will feel unfamiliar and tight and pinched at first, but the more you wear those shoes, the more comfortable they will become.  The more you practice self-control, the more familiar and comfortable it will become.  Eventually, you will have created a new rut...one you don't mind being stuck in.  One that helps your relationships instead of hurts them, and one that doesn't leave you feeling destroyed every time you get stressed.

We're talking normal stressors here, the stuff people have to deal with every day.  A meeting with your boss, a new client, your kid's teacher, a presentation you have to give, just dealing with people in retail, or long lines at the grocery store.  Traffic jams, flight delays, spilled milk, and crayons on the wall.  Practice is how you retrain your brain to deal with that stuff.  Because PMDD women have a reputation for being unable to cope with everyday stresses.  But this is because our PMDD brains have been conditioned to over-react to normal everyday stresses.  We have to work hard to get out of those brain ruts and we have to start small.

One moment at a time.

Some think of PMDD women as being weak, but I think the opposite.  I think we are strong.  Stronger than most.  Because we're starting out from deep in the ruts, while everyone else is starting on solid ground.  And still we succeed.  We get the clients, give the presentations, raise our children, maintain our households, keep our families and businesses afloat,  bring home the bacon, create beautiful things, care for our loved ones, and win recognition and respect DESPITE having a brain that does not function properly.

So never put yourself down for having PMDD.  Doing so only creates another rut you have to crawl out of.