PMDD and Self-Awareness - What Has Your PMDD Taught You?

Today's post is an insightful guest post that describes a journey of self-awareness.  I have long said that self-awareness (and then self-acceptance) is the key to mastering your PMDD. You know yourself better than anyone else does.  Take the time to get to know you, and learn to be your own best friend. Not a moment of that will be wasted, because doing so will bring you many steps closer to wellness.  Get to know who you are on good days and bad days.  Learn to love and accept all of you.  For me, personally, the results were life changing.  I learned to focus on my strengths, and, on days when I could not be anything resembling strong, to focus on my needs. My guest today shares the difference it has made in her life, and in the comments we both hope you will share what you have learned about yourself through your PMDD.

Ladies here is what I have learned about my PMDD, or what PMDD means for me:

1) Low tolerance for fake and false people.

2) Hate lies and lying.

3) Low tolerance for people pleasers.

4) We are super intuitive and creative (could be blocked).

5) Don’t push me or have me multi-task above the pressure I put on myself.

One thing I am grateful for is PMDD has allowed me to get to know all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes, I am super loving and passionate and I can get super irritated and angry as well especially if I feel sarcasm, slimy, abusive, inauthentic, people pleasing, shifty behavior.  Also, to the ‘super smiley-my life- is-perfect people’ - I don’t buy it one single bit.

I am glad that I know my rage, I know her well.

I know my grief, I get down on my knees and weep.

I know my sexy bad ass, she can be sensual AF.

I don’t want to be around fake people or people pleasers, I will have to mirror that bullshit.

I am not interested in small talk.

I am an extrovert but my introvert demands a lot of alone time and I love her for that!

I need to create and often. If I don’t I get cranky.

I need alone time. If I don’t I become a bitch on wheels.

BOUNDARIES are super important.

Successful relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial and fair. I have stepped away from all the ones where I was giving more.

I follow my turn on. I don’t bother if I am not turned on by a place, a person, an event, a function. If I do go I will just become cranky.

My anger and my bitch are there to protect me to remind me to get back into my body and out of my head. To tell me when I have self-abandoned me in order to please someone else or self-sabotaged me away from my dreams.

Next time I will be kinder to me and not leave me again.

No means NO and does not convert to yes the more you whine or beg. With my kids: I am your mom, I won’t always be popular. Suck it up.

On any request: I will tune into my body and ask Do I want to do that now with this person? (It's okay to say maybe another day).

I need variety. People and places. Sameness bores me.

Nature turns me ON. It’s not a luxury but a necessity!

My body needs to move! OFTEN.

Music makes me FEEL good!!!

I would love to hear what you have learned about yourself on your PMDD journey.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Hello, everyone.  I've promised my friends, family, and readers I would start blogging regularly again in September.  It's September.  Yesterday was also Wednesday, my best day, schedule-wise, for blogging.  Problem was, I didn't feel like writing.  About anything.

I got my first inklings something was up on Sunday morning, when I woke up groggy, head hurting, and ravenous.  Determined to beat the PMDD blues, I ate a bowl of Cheerios (quick acting carbs) and went back to sleep for an hour and a half.  The next time I woke up, I felt better, more on an even keel thanks to the carbs and an extra sleep cycle, and so I vowed to not let my PMDD ruin *my* day.

And it didn't.  Not that day or the next.  Almost nothing could get me down, although at the oddest times, I found myself looking off into the distance and just wanting to cry.

Tuesday I embarked on a project that would challenge anyone's ability to concentrate.  For hours I sifted through airline websites and travel reservation matrixes, trying to find the best dates, flight times, and price for two seats to Europe.  The print function on my computer wouldn't cooperate, so I had to hold all the information in my head from screen to screen to screen.  My desk was littered with sticky notes on which I'd scribbled the names of potential destinations, airlines, and prices.

I also learned something about redeeming rewards points with a certain airline that makes a big fuss about their rewards miles program, but shall go unnamed at this point.  If you have one person paying with mileage rewards points, and another paying full fare...at least when you're headed to Europe...it's almost impossible to get on the same flights.  They offer one set of flight choices for the rewards points flyer, and another set of choices for the paying customer.  I could get us on the same flight leaving, but getting us on the same flight coming home was like finding a needle in a haystack. 
I thought I had done it, but four hours later, when all was said and done, I had chosen outgoing flights that were ten minutes apart.  One said 10:30 a.m., the other said 10:40 a.m.  (This was while my print function was still working.)

So I started all over, this time coming at it from a different angle.  My partner's rewards points with his credit card company.  Success!!  Or so I thought.  Once I hit Select Flight, the price, advertised as 20% less than the going rate, rose exponentially.  Like to the tune of double the going rate.

It was cheaper to go with Orbitz and pay full fare for both tickets, rewards points be damned.  Some reward.  They like you to earn those points, but apparently aren't all that keen on helping you to redeem them.

So...flights chosen, I'm now filling out the information.  Here's something new.  I need to input the names of who will be traveling exactly as they appear on the identification we will be using -- in this case our passports.  I call my partner.  He doesn't know what his passport says.  He says he will check and call me back in less than an hour.

He gets busy and forgets.

My day takes a nosedive.  By the time he arrives to spend the evening together, I'm not speaking to him.

It's that simple.

I busted my brain on the computer for several hours, trying to do what *he* suggested.  In the end I found out it was almost impossible.  Sure, I could have managed one rewards ticket and one paid fare if I wanted to change planes twice and spend 19 or more hours getting home on a flight that takes 8 and a half hours non-stop.

In the end I got both tickets for $300 more than we would have paid had we gone with one free ticket from my tightfisted airline miles company, but we're on that nonstop return flight...together.  When it's time to come home, we're coming straight home.  No missed connections or lost luggage for us, baby.

But I digress.

He forgets to call.  I am furious.  Just that fast.  And there is nothing he can do to make it right.  And I mean no-thing.  I am in the mood for a fight.  And I don't care who I fight with.  My son makes an equally available target.  He disappears into his room as I start sniping at both of them.  Sharp tones and snide comments left and right.  I know I am doing it, and I don't care.  I feel unloved, unappreciated, unheard, unhappy, unhealthy, unfit, un-everything.  You name it.  No one understands me.  No one cares.  No one appreciates the things I do around here.

"I see the weekend is over," my partner says quietly.

We had an amazing weekend.  Truly amazing.  Went to church, went for a sunset walk, went to a festival, met all sorts of interesting people, played miniature golf, went for a drive in the country, cooked a couple of fantastic dinners, slow danced...he even presented me with a 30 minute DVD of  a slide show of my recent trip to Alaska, set to soothing music.  It was my birthday and it was beautiful.

But all of that was gone in my PMDD mind.  All that mattered to me right then and there was he didn't call me back, he didn't appreciate my time, my work, or me.

His quiet words were my cue that I had crossed the line.

I apologized.  Sincerely.  Because I knew I was wrong.  He kissed me good night and we parted on good terms, with him saying he understood.  I went to bed and again, just wanted to cry.

Yesterday morning I didn't want to wake up.  All morning I couldn't concentrate, couldn't stay focused on any one task.  Couldn't even contemplate writing a blog post.  By afternoon, my brain literally hurt, like it was inflamed or something, and I found myself reaching for my PMDD foods....almonds, oranges, cottage cheese, and chocolate.

By evening I knew why.

My period had arrived.