What Real Love Looks Like

Since February is the month for relationships, I've linked to a post by fellow author, blogger, and women's health and wellness advocate Tara Mandarano, written about relationships.  It's not PMDD specific, but the wisdom in it applies all the same...  

A real relationship is two flawed people refusing to give up on each other. It's encountering everyday obstacles and unexpected hurdles and finding a way through them together.

It's talking it out when you'd rather give each other the silent treatment. It's listening to the other side of the story when you believe yours is the only valid perspective.

It's holding hands and hugging it out after an argument. It's hanging on for dear life when you go through emotional hell and feel totally beside yourself.

It's finding time for each other at the end of the day, when you're feeling fraught and spent and just want to read a book or scroll through your phone.

It's putting away your phone.

It's not hiding things on your phone.

It's being together in the same room even when you feel galaxies apart. It's building a bridge between hurt feelings and new beginnings even though it's so, so hard.

To read more, please go here.

Tara is also the author of an essay in the newly released BIG: Stories about Life in Plus-Sized Bodies.  

PMDD and Self-Awareness - What Has Your PMDD Taught You?

Today's post is an insightful guest post that describes a journey of self-awareness.  I have long said that self-awareness (and then self-acceptance) is the key to mastering your PMDD. You know yourself better than anyone else does.  Take the time to get to know you, and learn to be your own best friend. Not a moment of that will be wasted, because doing so will bring you many steps closer to wellness.  Get to know who you are on good days and bad days.  Learn to love and accept all of you.  For me, personally, the results were life changing.  I learned to focus on my strengths, and, on days when I could not be anything resembling strong, to focus on my needs. My guest today shares the difference it has made in her life, and in the comments we both hope you will share what you have learned about yourself through your PMDD.

Ladies here is what I have learned about my PMDD, or what PMDD means for me:

1) Low tolerance for fake and false people.

2) Hate lies and lying.

3) Low tolerance for people pleasers.

4) We are super intuitive and creative (could be blocked).

5) Don’t push me or have me multi-task above the pressure I put on myself.

One thing I am grateful for is PMDD has allowed me to get to know all of me, the good, the bad, the ugly. Yes, I am super loving and passionate and I can get super irritated and angry as well especially if I feel sarcasm, slimy, abusive, inauthentic, people pleasing, shifty behavior.  Also, to the ‘super smiley-my life- is-perfect people’ - I don’t buy it one single bit.

I am glad that I know my rage, I know her well.

I know my grief, I get down on my knees and weep.

I know my sexy bad ass, she can be sensual AF.

I don’t want to be around fake people or people pleasers, I will have to mirror that bullshit.

I am not interested in small talk.

I am an extrovert but my introvert demands a lot of alone time and I love her for that!

I need to create and often. If I don’t I get cranky.

I need alone time. If I don’t I become a bitch on wheels.

BOUNDARIES are super important.

Successful relationships are ones that are mutually beneficial and fair. I have stepped away from all the ones where I was giving more.

I follow my turn on. I don’t bother if I am not turned on by a place, a person, an event, a function. If I do go I will just become cranky.

My anger and my bitch are there to protect me to remind me to get back into my body and out of my head. To tell me when I have self-abandoned me in order to please someone else or self-sabotaged me away from my dreams.

Next time I will be kinder to me and not leave me again.

No means NO and does not convert to yes the more you whine or beg. With my kids: I am your mom, I won’t always be popular. Suck it up.

On any request: I will tune into my body and ask Do I want to do that now with this person? (It's okay to say maybe another day).

I need variety. People and places. Sameness bores me.

Nature turns me ON. It’s not a luxury but a necessity!

My body needs to move! OFTEN.

Music makes me FEEL good!!!

I would love to hear what you have learned about yourself on your PMDD journey.

PMDD: Into Me See

The following is a guest post by the blgger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD are being featured on this blog. To find out more about her work as a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.

I've said I wanted to write about some of the things that help me to cope with PMDD. Maybe another day. Right now, NOTHING is helping. In fact, everything is just making it worse! I suspect, hell, I know from reading the forums, that this is pretty common. Nothing helps, at least it seems that way, and everything is an irritation. A speck of dust in the wrong place can make me want to jump out the window. Yes, it’s irrational. That’s kind of the point, and I don’t need to be reminded of it…  At least I have some control over a speck of dust.

The reason nothing helps is because nothing makes this chemical shit-storm of body and mind go away. It is still there, demanding attention, making me behave in ways I cannot stand. But there are things that do bring modicums of comfort. I can take a bath. Sitting in the sunshine smelling the grass helps, too. There are also my standbys of yoga and meditation. I would be lost without them, but sometimes, they aren’t enough. Really, they’re never enough…not during PMDD. They just offer a bit of relief and keep me as stable as possible.

The saddest thing may just be that so many of us have to get through this pretty much unsupported and alone. Very few people get it enough to be of help. The fact is, if you don’t have it, you just don’t get it. This includes friends, roommates and partners who, needless to say, have a very hard time of it, and often wind up making everything worse, even if they don’t intend to. Even if it was me on the receiving end of this phenomenon, I don’t know how I would respond. I guess it would depend on my own mental state that day. Sadly, PMDD ruins plenty of relationships.

But one can dream that suddenly, it wasn’t such a horrible thing for others to cope with…

Dream Sequence

I wake up and I can feel the stirring of hormonal reaction inside my body. The good days have passed. Shit! Here we go again. Two weeks until my period when I can think and act straight again and not detest myself for having no control.

In walks my husband with a bouquet of flowers. “Good morning, sunshine!” he says.

“Drop dead.” Shit, I think to myself. Did that just come out? Oh, crap, oh crap, oh crap. I want to enjoy the flowers. They are so beautiful. Please, please, please let me just enjoy the flowers. How did he know how much they would mean to me? And yet, I can’t express it. The only words out of my mouth are “drop dead?” What is wrong with me?

“Honey, I won’t take what you said to mean anything,” he says. “I know what day this is…um…I know any day now I’ll be losing you for a week or two to that whatever it is…but I just want you to know, I’m going to do everything I can to make it easier for you this time.”

Really? I think, heart melting inside while I roll my eyes on the outside thinking of what a damned irritating [insert cuss word] he usually is at this time. How does he intend to do that? Go on vacation for two weeks without me? He would abandon me like that!

I go down to the kitchen expecting crumbs on the cutting board, knowing I’m about to get all wound up, and what’s this? The kitchen has been cleaned! I mean, really cleaned! The floor actually sparkles. It’s a miracle!

“Do you want breakfast?”

“Just leave me alone,” comes out of my mouth while "Yes, please make me your lovely eggs" never leaves my lips.

“I’ll make some eggs. If you don’t want them, you don’t have to eat them. If you do, I’ll leave them here for you.”

Hmm…what’s gotten into him? I start to think paranoid and judgmental thoughts. I just manage to hold back the bitter words that want to exert my independence, “I can make my own eggs!”

“Oh, by the way, I know how much it’s been bothering you that I hadn’t fixed that sink since we moved in two months ago, so guess what?”

What? Another empty promise to fix it…someday…next year? I’m biting my tongue because I KNOW I’m thinking with way too much exaggeration. Words start leaking out…words I KNOW will only do more harm than good…

“I called the plumber. He’ll be here next week when you feel better.”

He… I can’t help but smile. The tension in my body that usually just gets tighter and tighter is starting to untwine. This is all getting to be too much.

“I also tidied my room just so you won’t have to be repeatedly irritated by the disorder in there. I know it affects you and makes things worse. In fact, I’ve decided to take care of everything on this here list that I normally force you to tolerate and remind me of month after month like I’m deaf. I may let things slide at other times, but I realize it just makes things worse once your cycle again. Besides, it really is my responsibility…”

Oh, my God! I just want to cry now. I have to cry. So out it comes. I am sobbing uncontrollably. Great. Now he’ll take it personally and the world falls to shit.

He doesn’t say anything. He gets a pained look on his face…and then, it happens. Another miracle. He takes me by the hand, leads me upstairs, and holds me on the bed while I finish crying. At first, I push him away. I can’t bear to be touched. It actually hurts. But he holds me even tighter. He isn’t trying to get me to stop crying, or offering me Kleenex, or asking me what’s wrong. He’s just there. Strong. Reassuring. And I feel safe for what feels like the first time in my life.

When I stop, I feel stupid. I feel embarrassed. And I push him away. He doesn’t say, “I can never do anything right.” He doesn’t throw up his hands. He doesn’t call me crazy or make me feel worse than I already do. He just says, “Honey, I love you. I’ll give you some time and space. I’ll go get some groceries because I know we are out of bananas and chocolate…and frankly, that scares me right now.”

I want to say, “and we need lettuce” but I can’t get it out my mouth. Why the fuck can’t he remember the fucking lettuce? And then I cry some more, ashamed of my ridiculous thoughts but also, feeling a strange sweetness inside. I think I’ll bake him some cookies.

I know. It’s just a dream. Maybe it is too much to ask. Is it catering and kowtowing? Is it just too utopian? To expect another person to be able to behave this way when faced with judgment, contempt, rage, and the other unpleasantries that consume a woman in PMDD? Is it too much to expect someone not to take such seemingly personal attacks personally? To be able to be in our heads knowing what it is we need or want when it is suddenly impossible for us to just speak it? To be able to set aside their own discomforts with whatever has taken us over to wonder, my God, what is it like for her?

I suppose so. People are people after all. There no such thing as a Stepford Husband.

Then again, maybe this is all it would take to change the patterns and break the cycles. Maybe, PMDD is a dis-ease in consciousness designed to make us learn things we never would have otherwise about ourselves and each other, given the compassion and support to get through it. What are the lessons? If we knew that, we wouldn’t be going through it. Maybe learning them would be the difference between escalation and management.

Or is it just spiritual bullshit to think there are lessons. And even if there are, what if they aren’t being learned?

If nothing else, maybe this little dream illuminates the secret machinations of the very complicated and unsettling PMDD mind.

I hope so.

Postscript: I shared this with my husband who said it helped him understand me better. I told him I wasn’t going to post it because it just felt too exposing. But then, on one of the Facebook forums, I read a post from a young woman who had just had a blowout with her boyfriend. She was so upset, and I could feel the shaking in my own body…  I thought about what my husband said, that this helped him understand. I thought about what he did for me after reading this: fixed the sink, took me grocery shopping, didn’t walk away when I was emotionally over-stimulated but held me instead. He just wants me to be happy. Given a little information, he actually wants to put it into practice. So, I’m getting over my damned self and sharing this now because it just may help someone else.

Readers Speak Out: Advice for Partners of Women with PMDD

Today I uncovered another gem of wisdom from a reader on how to approach your partner's PMDD.  Rather than leaving it buried in the comments section of another post, I've decided to feature it here:

I just found this blog searching for something to help my husband know what to do with me. I feel better now, but I fear I'll regress and we'll struggle again as a family. I have PMDD. I say DO NOT bring it up when she is at her worst. She is completely irrational and doesn't want to answer stupid questions or talk about how she is feeling. [In that moment] it seems so obvious to her that you should know how she is doing. Don't bring it up on a date or otherwise special time between you two. It is better to ruin a good day or week to get her help, than to keep living like how you are and end up divorced.

First, you need to get your wife medical help. When you have an opportunity to talk—not in public—ask her if she's ever had PMS. She may not have realized her moods are associated with her cycle. You're either going to get a "Yes, dumb***" answer or a "No, not really, I don't think so."

Depending on how that goes, tell her you've done some research, you think her moods might be associated to her cycle, or, if she knows she has PMS, that it might be something more serious. Tell her about PMDD. Read her the symptoms. Ask her if this is how she feels sometimes. Feel bad for her, say you're sorry she has to endure that every month. Let her know there is help available.

I know it sounds insane. I know you shouldn't have to put up with it. I also know how well I'm doing now and wonder how much better last year could have been for my marriage if my husband would have reacted to me differently. If he could have said, "How are you doing? Not well? Let's get you to the doctor," instead of "You're so mean and I don’t have to put up with this." I think I would have felt better. I was already on an antidepressant. It wasn't working.

What I need to feel better is a new prescription and a husband who will back off when I'm irritable and take care of the kids. When I have a bad day, I need him to think, "She's mad, hmm, let's look at the calendar, yep, she's pre-menstrual, I'm going to leave her alone, not mention PMS, and take care of the kids until she feels better."

It might be a few hours, it might be a few days, but it won't be a few weeks like it was last year when he was mad at me for having a bad day; then I felt worse, then there was a fear he'd leave me. I get it, I wanted to leave me, too, but women with PMDD, I'll speak for myself at least, need to feel wanted and loved and worth it to help.

So that is my advice, stranger. Ruin a good day to get her the medical help she needs. Say, "I took next Thursday off work, would you like me to take you to the doctor?" If you have kids, arrange babysitting. It's so hard for moms to find an hour to go to the doctor, especially if she doesn't feel she's worth helping. Even if it's not PMDD she has, make sure she gets bloodwork done. They should be testing her thyroid to make sure there aren't issues there.

Either way, good luck, and from the wife's perspective, thank you husbands who stick it out and deal with us. Some of these marriages seem beyond repair, but husbands can do so much to help. Think of how she is doing and what you can do to help, even if that means just leaving her alone for a bit. She’s not rejecting you. She feels like s***. Unless she comes to you, your touch will be repulsive. It’s not personal, it’s just how she feels. Know that she cannot help how she feels when she is pre-menstrual. For me, I feel angry, tired, sad, and irritable so I am distant to try to protect the ones I love most (from me).

Perhaps your wife [doesn't] care so much if she is mean, but I care. I bet deep down she cares too because she loved you enough to marry you and doesn’t want to be mean to you. You don't have to understand it, you won't ever. You just have to love her through it. Hopefully she's worth it to you.

The Monster I Am Living With: PMDD

Crushing weight sinks deep into my fragile chest. Insomnia, I'm already weary but have no hope of finding rest.

Switch in my brain has flipped, can't hold back as the monster inside bursts free. Losing all control, wreaking devastation wherever I go, it's then that I know, that as sure as gravity on earth I am back in its throes.

Depressive Tsunami overtakes me, washing clean away all of my self worth. Tormented woman desperate to stop it... Defeated despite the hard fight put forth. It's like a psychotic carnival ride, can't stop going around and around in my broken mind.

Anxiety and fear no one can understand brings salted tears ʼtil I am virtually blind. How can this damn life be so unkind??

Misery is embodied in me, taking away my hope for good life, hatred for the man who loves me most taking away my hope to be a good wife.

Migraines. Body aches. Sensitivity. Short fuses. Darkness. Hysteria. Forever on edge, pushing me to LOSE it.

I mean really how many times can my kids hear mommy's having a bad day, before they too feel abandoned and pushed away?

We stand on opposite sides of the same door secretly pleading: I've done nothing wrong why do I still have to pay?

Heartbreaking.

I hide out in my restroom cuz it's the only place I can truly be alone, keeping everyone safe from me, staring into a mirror and seeing nothing but the monster I am living with: PMDD.
~Carrian Troxler

The Voices of PMDD, The Other Side of PMDD

This week I'm going to redirect you to two of my favorite posts....after a while, posts get shuffled out of sight, and unless you know they exist, it's hard to find them.  But based on letters I've received and comments I've read over the past few weeks, these two are well worth posting again... 

The Other Side of PMDD

and

The Other Side of PMDD, Continued

Each is about what it is like to experience an episode of PMDD from inside a PMDD woman's mind.

May these posts bring you some answers and relief.  They can also be helpful for partners to read.

Be blessed,

Liana

Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners.  Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on her blog, Living on a Prayer, Living with PMDD.  Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. 

The Other Side of PMDD

"My wife has PMDD 2 weeks each month. I can now track it on a calendar. The meanness, sharp tongue, irritability, over-sensitivity to the slightest comment...it's all there each month, like clockwork. I used to make the mistake of reacting to her negativity, which results in a showdown at the OK Corral with talks of divorce, etc., etc. Now, I just keep my mouth shut, offer my help, not reacting to the negativity. It's not easy at all. My only escape is to go to the gym when it seems everything I do is wrong in her eyes. But I bear it each month because I love my wife and I know it's not her. I say she becomes Mr. Hyde once a month for 2 weeks, and I just learn to keep my mouth shut. A big exercise in tolerance and patience. If you love your wife or special someone, tolerance and patience are vital. If you don't have them, you will suffer."

This is my most recent comment.  I thank God for Anonymous, because it allows me to print this comment in full--and use it as the subject of this post. 

This man is suffering.  My heart goes out to him.  My admiration and respect go out to him as well, because he loves his wife and refuses to let her PMDD ruin, end, or dissolve their marriage. 

What he says is true.  "If you love your wife or special someone, tolerance and patience are vital.  If you don't have them, you will suffer." 

I suspect he is talking about himself, here, but he could just as easily be talking about the both of them.  Much is made over the suffering of the non-PMDD partner in a relationship.  But let me say this -  as much as you are suffering by being the brunt of her emotions, she is suffering at least twice as much inside.  She doesn't want to be doing what she is doing.  She is often as horrified as you are by what comes out of her mouth.  Perhaps in that moment a part of her malfunctioning brain wants you to suffer as she is suffering, but overall, none of us wants to have PMDD, much less every month.

To partners like the man above, I am grateful beyond measure.  One, because you treat your PMDD woman with love and respect, and two, because writing that comment allows me to see where you are coming from, and to respond to what you see from the outside with what is happening to me on the inside.

Notice I didn't say what is happening to your PMDD woman.  That, I can not know for sure...but by explaining what happens to me, I might be able to open the door to a conversation between the two of you about what happens to her.

I'm going through an episode right now.  It started about two days ago.  I'd like to say I can pinpoint when the slide began, but I can not.  It seems like a gradual shift, a slow sinking into the darkness, as opposed to coming out of an episode, which I have literally felt in my head when my "brain" snapped back into place.  The return to sanity can be instantaneous.  The gradual slide into anger, despair, and hopelessness can take what feels like forever. 

So...while this is what you are seeing on the outside--a moody, irrational, unreasonable, emotional, maybe even rude or strangely acting woman--I'm going to tell you what's happening on the inside.  My head hurts, my body hurts, I didn't want to wake up this morning.  I feel like I have been drugged.  My mouth is dry and there is a tightness behind my eyes reminiscent of a hangover, but I have not had any alcohol.  I feel fat and smelly and ugly.  Yesterday, in the hopes of cheering myself up, I decided to organize the photos from my Trip of a Lifetime six months ago.  In every single photo I was in, I hated how I looked. 

Normally, my looks do not bother me.  At all, as I know I am loved just the way I am.  Yesterday, I was obsessed with my body image.  Couldn't find enough flaws to point out to myself. 

Okay, so that project didn't turn out.  Yesterday, I also went to a funeral.  It might not have been the best of ideas, but really, you have no choice when these things happen.  You either go or you don't go.  I felt that paying my respects was more important than hiding in my cave.  I waited until the last half hour of the viewing, so that if anything went awry, I had a natural exit.  As it turned out, there were several people there I would have loved to have stayed and talked with.  Sad circumstances, but I enjoyed seeing them all again just the same. 

The funeral itself was lovely and poignant...one of the most beautiful services I have ever attended...

But it sparked thoughts of death and dying for the rest of the day.  Who's going to go next?  How long do I have?  How many of us will be here next year?  What do I want to do with the time I have left?

This very question nearly devolved into an argument between myself and my partner last night.  Normally I am happy to let life unfold as it will.  Last night there was an urgency, an almost desperation behind my thoughts and words.  We need to do this, and we need to do that, and we need to do it NOW. 

I will feel very foolish when that feeling goes away next week.  I know this already. 

If he had argued with me instead of  patiently "listened" to me, I would have (at least mentally) declared the relationship hopeless and over.  There would have been harsh words and an explosion of tears. 

I suppose I should be happy that I'm only going to feel foolish.  Especially if he takes my dark words to heart....while I've blissfully gone back to my "It's all good" mode.

If you were my partner, wouldn't you be confused?

Another example:  Our church music minister plays guitar, has a beautiful voice, and chooses upbeat songs.  Normally I love to sing along with her.  Last night her music irritated the hell out of me.  She didn't do anything different.  I was the one who was different.

Inside.  Inside I was different.  But I never let on, not on the outside.  If I had, I'd only come off as crazy.

When we got back to the car, after a very uplifting service, I told my partner, "Right now, I could tell you what is wrong with anything.  You just name it, and I will tell you what is wrong with it."

This is where the "I can't do anything right" sentiment comes from in partners of PMDD women.

I spent most of yesterday alone, as my partner was busy elsewhere.  Even while my PMDD self was irritated beyond words at that, I was glad that he was not here, having to bear the brunt of my irrationality.  I knew, as he would have known had he been here, that there was absolutely nothing he could do right yesterday.

So it was best that he was elsewhere.  The same went for my son.  He walked in the door, aiming for a quick change of clothes, and within two minutes I was not speaking to him.  It was best for him, and for myself.  He left after giving me a big hug and telling me he loves me.  As I shut the door behind him my thoughts were, "Yeah, right."

I adore my son, and we get along great.  Anybody who knows us knows he loves me, too.  He can get manipulative, like kids do, and I let him, like Moms do, but the love is always there. 

Not yesterday.  Even though it was being freely offered, I wasn't feeling it.

Yesterday I was feeling my most unloveable.  Old, dumb, lazy, overwhelmed, uncertain, weepy, morbid, incompetent, uncaring and unkind.  In real life, I am none of those things.  If anyone had been around me yesterday...if I had not spent the day alone (except for the funeral)...I would have snapped and snarled all day.  Why? 

Because I was feeling extremely vulnerable.  I was feeling worthless, useless, and like every decision I'd ever made in my life had been wrong.

Hello?

For one, that's not even possible.  But there you go.  PMDD doesn't make sense. 

So you're walking around, feeling gross physically, mentally, and emotionally, and you just...well, you're miserable inside.  Nothing can make you happy, and nobody better try...because if they try they will fail, you'll see to that...and if they don't try....well, you'll have something to say about that, too.

It's no wonder I get letters from PMDD women who fear they will spend the rest of their lives alone.  Who can deal with someone like that?  Where nothing you do is right for days, sometimes weeks, on end.

Yesterday I could have gone on a rant like you wouldn't believe about what was wrong in my life.

Funny, I was perfectly happy with my life three days ago.  Feeling rather blessed, actually.

Okay, so this personality change is bewildering enough to watch from the outside.  Try to imagine what it feels like from the inside.  Try to imagine what it feels like when your brain feeds you lies all day long.  Nobody likes you, everybody hates you, you're nothing but a big screw-up, a slob, a loser, a bad (mom, sister, daughter, friend, wife, girlfriend - fill in the blank), you're fat, you're ugly, you're disorganized and uncoordinated and talentless, your life is a mess, even your own (fill in the blank here) doesn't like you....

You spend all your energy fighting off these lies in your head.  Another blogger, Laura, put it really well.  PMDD is a bully.  So here you are, being bullied by your PMDD.  You're feeling your worst, and at your weakest.  Someone says something to you.  Something that in your PMDD state, your brain twists around to the most negative implication possible.

What are you going to do...fight or flight?

The primitive brain has us fighting.  That's where I think my brain goes during an episode of PMDD.  Into primitive, reptilian, survival mode.  It's fight or flight, survival of the fittest, baby, and I'm going to see to it that you go down in flames.

The opposite of fighting is withdrawal.  Withdrawal into ourselves--where we let the PMDD bully run rampant inside us--and withdrawal into depression--where we accept what the PMDD bully says, and beat ourselves up even after he or she is long gone.

Try living with a bully inside your head for two weeks a month and see how long you last before you lose it one way or another.  Either through anger or tears, or both.

So yes, while it is undoubtedly hard on our partners and the friends and family who love us, keep in mind that PMDD is no picnic for the woman herself, either. 

She's doing the best she can with a temporarily malfunctioning brain.  She doesn't want to ruin your party, your weekend, your vacation, relationship, or marriage.

She just wants to feel safe, from demons neither of you can see.