PMDD and the Confrontational Relationship

So...why did I write that last post?  To show that no matter who you are, even if you know what you are dealing with and have the best of intentions, when you have PMDD, you will fail to come through for someone, somewhere, somehow, in some way.  It's inevitable.

My PMDD is part of why I work at home.  I realized long ago I could never work a full time job outside the home.  Going to the same place every day, seeing the same people, and me not being the same from day to day...

They would think I was crazy.  Like I thought I was crazy all those years.  What do you mean, your brain hurts?  You look fine to me.  What do you mean, you just can't cope?  What do you mean, you can't stay awake?  What's the problem?  Why can't you think?  Why can't you stay focused? How could you make such a mistake?  This isn't like you at all, Liana.  What's wrong with you?

I didn't have answers to any of those questions.  So I stuck to low-paying part time jobs to make ends meet.  I could handle being away from home for 3-5 hour shifts most days.

Now I work at home, don't have to deal with anybody if I don't want to, and only work on the good days.  When a bad day comes along, I take time off and pamper myself.  I realize most women do not have the  freedom to do this...however, I created that freedom as a result of understanding my needs regarding PMDD.  I've built my home and work life around my PMDD.

And I still screw up.  Just like I described in my last post.

 

I didn't have a meltdown.  No, my anger is more cold than that.  If I'm having a meltdown, you're safe--the only one in trouble is me.  It's when I get real quiet that you need to watch out.  Because when I get PMDD angry I mean to cut, I mean to wound.  I mean to kill your spirit.

 

I know this behavior is unacceptable, but in my PMDD state of mind, I do not care.  It's fight or flight, reptilian brain, survival of the fittest, and I am going to come out on top of this confrontation, real or manufactured, no matter what.  It's a fight to the death, baby, not because it really is, but because that is what my PMDD brain is telling me.

 

Just like in addiction, when your brain is telling you you'll die if you don't get another hit, fix, drink, or smoke, a PMDD woman's brain is telling her she is under attack and needs to win this one or she will die.  Either that, or it's telling her to flee, which is when your PMDD partner withdraws from the relationship, either physically or mentally/emotionally, and leaves you wondering What the hell just happened?

In the case of withdrawal, she is sinking into a deep depression where nothing matters, nothing at all.  Not you, not your relationship, and sometimes not even her own life.

Whatever the circumstances, be it addiction or PMDD, what your brain is telling you is untrue — but hey, it's your brain sending you these messages, and it's very hard to stand up to your brain.  (Try saying "It's hard to stand up to my brain" sometime and see what kind of looks you get.)  But it is very hard to mentally override the organ that completely runs your body, especially when your emotions are involved.  It's so much easier to simply lash out at the person in front of you instead—blame them for whatever's going wrong in your life. To blame your own brain would mean you were somehow not quite normal.  Defective, even. 

 

I am telling you this now, while I am in my right mind, so that you can see the difference for yourself.   In general I am a sweet, talented, intelligent, compassionate and creative woman.  I have a lot going for me.  I run a successful business, am an award-winning author, and make my own hours.  I am in a long-term relationship with an amazing man.  We get along super well, and being with him is just so...well...easy.  We don't fight...even when my PMDD self is looking for a fight.   He refuses to engage. 

What he does is listen, and speak quietly.

 

You don't need to shout to get someone's attention.  A quiet comment said without malice will do just as well...as long as your partner is willing to work with you on the relationship.  Maybe a code word or phrase between you will do:  I'm feeling fragile today.  It's one of those days.  It's not you, it's my PMDD.

I am dedicated to my relationship.  Devoted to it.  Willing to do what it takes to make it work in good times and in bad.

I am fortunate indeed to have a partner who feels the same.  One who is kind, compassionate, caring, generous, and truly supports me in my goals and ambitions.

And yet I can forget all of that in a heartbeat when my PMDD comes around.  I hope I did come off as selfish and ungrateful in my last post.  A diva, a prima donna, a pampered princess and spoiled brat.  Here I've been given the gift of a trip to Europe for Pete's sake, and I'm incensed about a phone call he didn't make?

Do you see how out of proportion the anger can get?

That doesn't make it right.  I am simply explaining what happens in a PMDD woman's mind.  I'm not saying you have to accept that kind of behavior from her.  There are ways to take the fight out of her with just a few gently spoken words, if she is open to communication about her PMDD.  But anything you say in a judgmental, condemning, or non-approving way will get you the exact opposite of what you want.

 

A PMDD woman knows when she's behaving badly and does not need you to point it out to her in any negative context.  Her negative thoughts are already creating a bonfire in her brain — adding any more will only fuel the fire. She hates herself during this time as much as you hate what she's doing to you and your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is going nowhere, it could be because of this PMDD loop you're on.

A loop that won't end unless you consciously stop, take a step back, take time out from your heated emotions, research PMDD, find a way to communicate your true feelings to your partner (not your in-the-moment emotion driven ones) and agree to help each other get through this.

What a PMDD woman needs most from her partner when she's feeling ugly and unworthy and unloved is your love and understanding.  She wants and needs your emotional support.  If she doesn't get it, if she doesn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable around you, if she feels even the slightest bit rejected or judged, her fight or flight instinct will kick in, and she will turn on you. The reptilian brain does not distinguish between loved ones or enemies.  It simply fights to win...

Even when there is nothing to fight about.

You know what I'm talking about.  You've been there.  So have I.  None of it makes any sense.  It never has, and maybe never will.

 

PMDD doesn't make sense.  Period.   That's the only thing everyone agrees on.

To those of you still living the nightmare, my heart goes out to you.  I've read your comments and stories and know the daily chaos and confusion you experience.  I was married for sixteen years.  The marriage did not survive the craziness of not knowing or understanding what my PMDD was about.  As a single woman I made seeking and finding treatment options a priority--and have now been blessed with both wisdom and a second chance. 

I want nothing less for you.