Now I know why!
I know why two weeks out of every month
I am waiting to feel like myself again. I know why for two weeks I suddenly
don’t give a crap about anything I was excited or cared about in the weeks
before. I know why I feel contempt for everyone and everything when I recently
felt so in love with it all. I know why I suddenly doubt my abilities and
talents. I know why I isolate myself on certain days…when I just know I’m not
going to be able to accomplish the simplest of tasks without getting irritated
or downright angry. I know why I am afraid to schedule anything in advance,
lest whatever I have to do falls on a day when I am incapable of behaving
reasonably. I know why hateful thoughts become so insistent and pervasive
despite the fact that just two weeks ago, I was 100% certain I had finally
transcended them all. I know why I can’t stand to be touched, when just last
week, I couldn’t get or give enough hugs. I know why I suddenly feel so
disconnected from my friends, doubt their friendships, and suddenly want to
walk out on my husband.
In my quest to understand, I’ve been
given plenty of opinions. I’ve heard some labels, and some I even tried to make
fit. But in the end, I knew they didn’t. I knew I wasn’t “bipolar”. I knew I
wasn’t “borderline” or “mood disordered” (even though that’s still the
involuntary category in which I’m pegged). I knew I wasn’t “just imagining
things” either. Nor was it the whole story that I was “just hormonal”.
Something inside me had changed in the last couple of years and something was
happening throughout my menstrual cycle to make me feel like two completely
different people. Only recently, it had gotten much worse.
The Fighting Bell Rings
In one corner: a woman full of radiance
and quick to smile. She can be so full of love inside herself to the point of
bursting. She is centered and enthusiastic, bright and cheerful, optimistic and
strong. She’s not perfect, of course, but she’s so okay with that. She’s on top
of her thoughts and more than willing to be alive. She is excited about
projects and new ventures…even if they are challenging. Anything seems
possible…anything reasonable, that is. (She isn’t about to jump off a building
or into traffic.) She believes in an abundant universe and that she has
something to offer the world. She enjoys the company of others and lives to
laugh, create, and feel gratitude. She would never dream of hurting herself or
anyone else. She may have bad days, but she recovers quickly.
In the opposite corner: a bedraggled,
wild-haired psycho who has to apply every ounce of her will to not lash
out…though she eventually does, usually by imploding on herself or exploding at
those closest to her. She is the wily animal who shudders at her own hateful
attitude as she mourns the loss of her other self. She is the one who simply
CAN’T control anything. She is full of shame for her inability to control
herself. After all, hasn’t she learned anything? She cannot forgive or forget.
Everything is the end of the world. She stomps to feel she exists, yet the very
force of her enraged feelings lifts her off the ground. There is no justice, no
joy, no purpose, and no comfort to give or receive. All is bullshit. She
isolates to protect herself and others from this “thing” that has overtaken
her, but life pokes and prods all the same.
Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of
Now, talks about the pain body in his work which comes close to matching the
insane being that shows up in my mirror every month. There’s also this idea in
spiritual circles about embracing and integrating the shadow-self. I
wholeheartedly agree with the importance of doing that. It’s powerful stuff,
but I don’t think it is the whole story for me. Always favoring the holistic
over the quick fix, I’ve been exposed to a lot of different teachings in my
quest for well-being. But none of them have satisfied this itch under my skin
that what I was dealing with wasn’t just some egoist resistance on my part,
wasn’t just some weakness in my character, lack of awareness in my being, or
deep wounding from childhood . In fact, I have LOADS of awareness and more
strength than a lot of people. So, something wasn’t jiving.
Something else is going on. Whatever it
is, this pain body feels universal…not personal…yet it attacks in a personal
way for sure. It isn’t a permanent state of being but it is one that, when I’m
in it, feels like the only state of being I will ever know. Sometimes, it turns
on a dime…a cruel word, a task gone wrong, a frustration or irritation that
sends ever-widening ripples of tension out into my environment…but, and here’s
the key, only at certain times within my cycle.
What I’ve discovered is the term PMDD or
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. Though I don’t agree with a lot of the
psychological/medical establishment bullshit (excuse my language…but let’s call
it what it is) behind it, it has come closer than anything else I’ve ever
encountered to explain what’s been happening increasingly so with me since
going through a period of intense and prolonged stress.
I feel like I have to start by saying
that I’m not interested in excuses for bad behavior. I’m not looking for a
convenient explanation for bouts of anger or anxiety or anything else. I’m not
trying to protect my identity as a “got my act together--no problems here”
person, nor am I holding my shadow aspects in a closet of denial. I’m not
interested in using the label of PMDD to explain away or justify crazy-making, just
as I’ve never been interested in the label of “depression” to explain away
unexamined pain and the absolutely natural waves of ups and downs that society
would rather call a disease than a sign of being human in the world in which we
live. What interests me about PMDD is that elements of it actually fit and
explains myself to myself. What
fascinates me is that there are other women who feel like I do…that it is a
real phenomenon to be examined and explored. It is a real phenomenon to be
healed.
I’ve joined a couple of online PMDD
groups, and what I’m noticing is that a lot of women feel they have no choice
but to treat PMDD with very toxic antidepressants and hormone-related
treatments that further disturb the delicate balance of the body. Some even decide
to remove a part of their bodies, having hysterectomies, and are overjoyed with
the results. I know many women get absolutely ill with vomiting. Why is the
newly established “disorder” which was recognized in 2013 seem to be
increasingly prevalent? I have my own theories circling around my head…the
poisoning of our food supply perhaps or our increasing exposure to radiation
and toxins. Who knows?
For me, it is mostly a mood challenge
though I also get headaches, stomach aches, sleep disturbance, and other
physical manifestations. Nothing like vomiting, thankfully. I feel incredibly
blessed by and grateful for the management tools I’ve found that are
side-effect free and have a great deal of sympathy for those who are buying
into the system of big pharma (whose sole interest is to get everyone on their
drugs regardless of whether it actually helps or even does more harm than good)
and a patriarchal medical system (with a track-record of locking women away for
their complaints). We can be products of the system that would call us
“mentally disordered” offering us only what they deem as the answer or we can
access inner qualities we can cultivate to cope and turn to more natural
therapies until we discover what combination works for us. I know what my choice
will always be. And that means that sometimes, I choose to live with a very
difficult, very challenging state of being with very little outside assistance
at my disposal. So be it.
Not just regarding treatment, PMDD is a
hot topic of debate. In addition to being controversial in the medical
community, there is, as with all conditions, a lot of general ignorance around
PMDD. As I mentioned, it’s only been acknowledged since 2013. Right away,
people assume it is PMS with a different name or an excuse for why a woman
suddenly gets bitchy, tired or crampy. Or they draw other ill-informed
conclusions. One woman made the mistake of sharing her condition with her
employer to be told they feared she posed a threat to either herself or
coworkers at work. I suspect there are people in their employ at far greater
risk of flying off the handle, the ones they’d least suspect. Others are told,
even by well-meaning friends, that it is all in the head and are told to chill
out or get over it or try some quick fix. Clearly, those who don’t experience
it are not in a position to offer advice!
Here’s the thing about PMDD. We may
think about bludgeoning judgmental, self-righteous ignoramuses who think they
know all the answers, but we tend not to act on it. Good thing, because there
are plenty of them around.
Just as I have been (unprofessionally)
mislabeled before discovering what is known as PMDD, I am sure there are women
ascribing their behavior to PMDD when it truly belongs in another camp
altogether. Supposedly, 40% of women who seek treatment for PMDD may have
either what is known as PME (premenstrual exacerbation) or even an underlying
mood disorder such as bipolar. It’s complicated. Of course, the professionals
will continue to debate if any of this is real or not, some kind of anti-female
rhetoric or not, or whether it is a mental disorder or not. This just muddies
the waters, but what’s to be done? Human beings are intricate and unknowable
and this “dis-ease” is extremely complicated because there are so many variables!
In the meantime, there are those of us who live the spectrum. There are those
of us who know.
Speaking of the spectrum…
There is PMS, the catchall that pertains
to the mild, acute fluctuations of mood, irritability, fatigue, appetite
changes, and cramping that affect 30 to 80% of menstruating women. It may be
uncomfortable, but it is not generally debilitating.
There is PME. This is when a condition
from which a woman suffers, such as asthma or an eating disorder, is worsened
during PMS. So, PMS disappears after one’s period whereas PME symptoms merely
improve.
Now there is PMDD which affects 3-9% of
menstruating women. (With a female population of over 3 billion on the planet,
3-9% of those with periods is no small number!) With PMDD, the symptoms
associated with PMS become debilitating and can include: depression or
hopelessness, anxiousness, irritability, low energy, lack of interest, sleep
and focus disturbance, loss of control and feelings of overwhelm, and suicidal
thoughts. These symptoms tend to intensify as a woman nears her period and
finally begin to abate a few days into her period. Women with PMDD generally
feel themselves again for 7 – 10 days after their menses before entering the
cycle again.
I’m not crazy about another
label…another diagnosis…especially one categorized as a depressive disorder
which, to me, shows very little understanding of the scope of symptoms
different women have. I’m not crazy about listening to “experts” tell me about
myself and never have been. What I am interested in is knowing my own truth for
myself, suffering less, finding ways to cope and relate, and living as fully as
I can. And I want to help other women reeling with this monthly curse and
feeling that they are robbed of half of their lives to do the same.
Do I believe in PMDD? Not as boxed-in
psychological babble and checklists, certainly. I’ll never see a doctor for it
myself. But it is a condition with which I resonate with unquestionable
certainty. I’ve charted my cycles. I know when “the shift” is about to occur. I
know when it is over. I know it is linked to my cycle. I know the changes I
feel are described by other women who think they have PMDD, too. I know the
challenges such changes bring and the impact they have on my life. I know my
perspective goes out the window. I know some months are worse than others. And
I totally relate to the increasing amplification of symptoms as I near my
period and that feeling of complete and utter relief when suddenly the sun is
shining again a day into it.
Maybe we need another word for it…one
not bound up with so much baloney…one immune to the twisted machinations of men
who hate women and women who hate themselves. I don’t know. Here’s what I do
know: this is my experience. Maybe it won’t be mine in two years. Maybe it
wasn’t mine two year ago. But it is mine now. Bravely facing that self and
being open about it with others going through the same experience is crucial.
There is power in numbers, and we’ll learn more by exploring this together. If
nothing else, maybe the diagnosis of PMDD will simply prove to be a means for
women to talk about what being alive as a women today is like for them. That
itself is a relief.
Liana's
note: The above guest post was written
by the blogger Cheekyminx. With her permission, several of her posts about PMDD
are featured on this blog. In the meantime, to find out more about her work as
a PMDD Advocate, please visit her Facebook page, PMDD Life Support.
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