PMDD and Learning to "Just say No"

Okay, I promised ways to de-stress your life in this post, which is exactly what took me this long to write it.  I looked through my files for what would be good advice, and found all the stuff we already know:   avoid alcohol and smoking and sugar and caffeine, drink lots of water, exercise, eat more vegetables and get lots of rest. 

Boring.  Nobody wants to do that.  Or to be told to do that --- yet again. 

Nope, we'd rather look for that magic formula, that silver bullet, that holy grail of a cure for our PMDD. 

And while we're looking, we don't want to have to give up our crutches. 

We also don't want to have to make any changes in our lives.  Change is hard.  It's messy.  It's unsettling.  It makes us feel all confused and chaotic inside, and we already feel confused and chaotic enough, thank you.

But change is the only thing that's going to work for you, ladies, because what you're doing now obviously isn't working, or you wouldn't be here.

I don't say that to insult you.  I say that to give you a starting point.  The first step to change is to admit that something isn't working. 

So, what in your life isn't working? 

Take some time to think about it, and yes, the answer "Nothing in my life is working" is an acceptable answer.  It happens to more of us than you'd think.  Everybody's just so busy running around pretending that their life is working because it looks like everyone else's life (everyone who matters to us, that is) is "working" but ours, and God forbid we should be perceived as imperfect or somehow less-than. 

Well guess what?  Nobody out here has all the answers.  Including me.  Especially me. 

But...if I had to limit myself to one pearl of wisdom regarding de-stressing your life, it would be this: 

Stop looking for the answer outside yourself. 

You're not going to find it in a pill, a supplement, or cream.  The best you're going to be able to do with those is manage your condition - maybe.  True healing comes from within.  You know what you have to do, and you know that only you can do it --  be it something you know you need to give up to feel better, or something you know you need to add to your life to do the same. 

Here are some ways to start, off the top of my head:

Don't do anything you don't want to do.  Period. (If you have children under the age of 18, you need to see to their needs -- that's needs, not wants -- such as food, shelter, clothing, love, and safety.  But beyond that, you don't owe anybody anything.)

Say goodbye to guilt.  Refuse to let yourself be ruled by it.  If someone is manipulating you through guilt, put an end to it once and for all.  You don't deserve to live your life that way.

If you don't want to go to that family/church/community/social function that stresses you out so much, don't go.  You are a grownup and are allowed to make your own choices.  You don't have to apologize or explain yourself, either.

If you don't like the way someone is treating you, either stand up for yourself or leave.  Nobody is going to rescue you.  People will only treat you as badly as you let them treat you.

If you're in an abusive situation, get help.  Staying is not healthy for you, or your kids.  If your friends and family won't listen, there are strangers who will.  It's not like it used to be.  There are resources all around to help you.  I'm not saying it's easy...it will never be easy...but there are a lot more people willing to help than you think.  But no one will help you if you don't take any steps to help yourself.

If you need counseling and think you can't afford it, look harder.  There are those who offer programs and services on a sliding scale.

These statements may seem harsh, but are all true.  Most of our stress comes from letting other people manipulate us via guilt and shame. So find a way to deal with that and "just say no" to those who try -- and that includes yourself.

"Well if I don't (insert something to go to or do here) I'll look bad (to the committee, my family, the teachers, the other parents, my friends, the neighbors, my co-workers.)"

If you find yourself saying that...Don't Go. 

If you find yourself saying, "If I don't (do this), I'll let (someone I love) down," then give it some thought.  If it's someone whose opinion you truly care about, then give it some thought.

Looking out for yourself and getting rid of guilt will not turn you into a person without morals.  You will still know wrong from right.  And when the time comes to make decisions about how to spend your precious time -- how to spend the moments of your life -- you will be guided by your heart, not your guilt.  Once you start living from the heart, you will automatically start taking care of yourself, because you will love yourself.  You can't love anybody else until you love yourself.  Oh, you can take care of them and do for them and cater to them, but you can't truly LOVE them until you love yourself -- and you can't love yourself if you're beating yourself up, or letting others beat you up, mentally, physically, or emotionally.

We PMDD women know about beating ourselves up.  We're pros at it.

It's time that stopped.  I don't care what you've done, or what you think you have done.  If God can forgive you, you don't need to worry about anyone else.  Doing so places them above God.  This includes you.  If you can't forgive yourself for something, you're making yourself bigger than God.  Think about it. 

Now, once you've gotten rid of the junk in your life, be it spiritual, mental, emotional, or physical, you have some breathing room to concentrate on the positive.

See if you can get through a day, just one, without complaining.  Okay, try five minutes :).  What you focus on is what you get.   If you focus on the negative in your life, you'll only get more of it.  Try it.  Start paying attention.  Negative events spiral.  The good news is so do positive ones. 

But they spiral upward.

So try being positive for a change.  Re-frame your so-called failures into successes.  I made it until noon without bursting into tears.  That's a positive.  I didn't scream at anyone for two hours today.  That's a positive.  I took a nap and was good to myself.  That's a positive.  I walked for half an hour.  That's a positive.  I got (some job) done.  That's a positive.  I didn't eat any sugar today.  That's a positive. 

If the opposite happens, that's okay.  But find something positive to hang onto as you crawl your way out of that pit.

Focus on what's good in your life, not what's bad.  What's bad is on its way out the door anyway.  You're making room for good and positive people and things to come in and replace them.  It's the best way to de-stress your life.  Fill it with people and activities that nourish you instead of deplete you.  Things that uplift you instead of drag you down.  Things that bring you life instead of drain you of it.

Go ahead, make a list.  Make a list about what you like about your life and what you don't.  Find something small you can do to get rid of a negative.  Just doing this alone makes your life a little more positive.  Double the benefit by adding something small to your day that's positive.

Do this one day at a time, one moment at a time. 

It's all any of us has. 

And remember, even if you're taking baby steps -- you're moving in the right direction.