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~Seek first to understand, then be understood~
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I have a "friend" who shows up once a month. She turns my world upside down, over and over again.
I am a good person, caring and sweet, but when she comes to visit, I could rip off your head.
She takes no prisoners, foul words she does spout, I try to keep the words in, she lets them come out.
People don't understand me, or what this is about, to have this creature inside my head.
I despise who I am, half of the time, I feel sorry for my daughter, family and friends.
There's no way to describe it, for those who don't know, it's a living nightmare, she really needs to go.
~Neysia Manor, Rest in Peace

Thursday, October 3, 2013

The Voices of PMDD, The Bigger Bitch, by Michelle

Today I am grateful to be offering a guest post which perfectly sums up the PMDD struggles we face from within...because what people without PMDD don't realize is that during an episode of PMDD, we are fighting OURSELVES as much as we are fighting with them.  So thank you, Michelle, for putting into words what so many of us feel monthly - month after month, and year after year - when the dark side of PMDD hits. 
For more great posts from Michelle, please visit her blog at Why am I Happy?
When I awoke this morning it was a normal day, I felt like my normal self. Within two hours what had passed for normalcy faded in the face of criticism and judgment. And all of it from someone that I can’t just punch in the mouth like they deserve. It is coming from HER. She is the bitch... the illness, the voice of self-doubt, the one that tells me how much everyone hates me and how worthless I am. The arch villain to my super self, otherwise known as PMDD. 
So I sit low in my desk chair trying to not draw attention to myself, like the small, scared girl I have become. There is a mean, angry, judgmental authority figure standing over my shoulder berating me, no matter what I do, no matter where I go. I feel so beaten down and broken, so battered, a heavy weight on my shoulders.
What do you do when the abuse you suffer is generated in your own brain? There are no shelters to escape to, no safe places to be had. Like the typical victim, I try to find ways to placate her, to distract her, to take the focus off of me…but she is relentless.
So I sit quietly, waiting. Waiting for the storm to pass. Waiting for the silence of my own mind to return. Waiting to feel safe again. There are no more tears to cry for my battered self-esteem. Wishing I could curl up and hold my knees to my chest and rock myself to sleep, just to try and get away. 
But I can’t give in. 
People rely on me. I have to be the best I can be, the one that always comes through. I have to survive this day professionally and personally.
So, ‘Fuck you.’ I say. ‘Fuck you for lying to me and trying to break my confidence. Now excuse me while I turn up the music, have a donut and get shit done, bitch.’ 
Why? Because fuck this illness. Because sometimes the only way to deal with her is to be the bigger bitch, to remember this is my head, my life, my rules. Today I chose to take that challenge and shove it in her face and succeed despite her barrage of negativity. 
Today it worked.
Here’s hoping tomorrow is a better day and that we can all be the bigger bitch when necessary. 
Other posts along these lines that I would recommend reading are my own They Only See Our Failures, and A Perfect Storm of PMDD.


  1. We do not have to always be the one that comes through. We can take help from others. I love this article but I had to say that. Maybe more to myself than anything else. Thank you for sharing.

  2. You are absolutely right! Sometimes accepting help...or kindness ...is the hardest thing to do...for anyone. Not just a PMDD woman. Thank you for pointing that out!

  3. I just discovered this blog- and for that matter, I just discovered PMDD. Up until 6 months ago, I only had the physical effects of PMS. Now, I'm sitting here trying to figure out what is "wrong with me" and sobbing all the while reading these posts. Thank you for sharing and making it all make sense.