Hello and Welcome!!

~Seek first to understand, then be understood~
If you're looking for information on a particular topic, type that word in the search box below. If I have written about that subject, a list of posts will appear. If no posts come up, I haven't written about it...yet. Emails, and questions in the comments section for possible posts, are welcome.
I have a "friend" who shows up once a month. She turns my world upside down, over and over again.
I am a good person, caring and sweet, but when she comes to visit, I could rip off your head.
She takes no prisoners, foul words she does spout, I try to keep the words in, she lets them come out.
People don't understand me, or what this is about, to have this creature inside my head.
I despise who I am, half of the time, I feel sorry for my daughter, family and friends.
There's no way to describe it, for those who don't know, it's a living nightmare, she really needs to go.
~Neysia Manor, Rest in Peace

Sunday, August 3, 2014

The Voices of PMDD, A Guest Post on Shattered Dreams

Continuing with my Summer of 2014 Voices of PMDD series, here is a post written in 2012 by a woman with PMDD that addresses the reality that what you see/experience of PMDD from the outside, as a partner, friend, colleague, or family member, is only the tip of the iceberg compared to the devastation that is going on inside the mind, body, heart and spirit of a woman with PMDD.  
Aside and apart from the episodes of PMDD themselves, there is no way on earth to measure/account for/quantify the cost of the shattered hopes and dreams of PMDD women (and our loved ones) due to our PMDD.  The fallout from these broken dreams is something a woman with PMDD has to deal with every single day of her life--not just during an episode.  The weight of our perceived failures, while staggeringly heavy when we are not in the PMDD zone, can prove unbearable during an episode.  This, I believe, is a good part of what leads to suicidal thinking. 

That said, I give you "The Hidden Injury of PMDD"

“I wanted to quit because I was suffering. That is not a good enough reason.” – Ted Corbitt
I almost decided not to write about PMDD.  The thought of sharing what is considered a mental weakness leads to an automatic assumption that I am a little off my rocker.
No one intentionally judges someone with bi-polar disorder or depression.  It is a slight shrinking away from the unknown and the unstable.  PMDD is similar to being bi-polar.  The difference is the consistency.  PMDD will hit every two weeks like clockwork.  About every third cycle, in my case, it is so severe I have to talk myself out of suicide.  My muscles and joints hurt so bad I feel my bones will crumble if I move too fast. Typing hurts.  Rolling over hurts.  The sadness is so deep there is no hope, no joy, no future.  It is only darkness for days and days.  And right as the pain is going to consume my mind and body, my cycle begins and the world is turned upright again as if the previous two weeks never happened.

It is vicious.  It is destructive.  It is painful and it is never ending.

I am told by those around me I am outgoing, extroverted and can do anything I set my mind to to. That is until they see me fall and wonder what happened.

I was just as confused until September 2011, when it became clear there was a pattern to the insanity.

My husband and I were in the middle of trying to start a photography and real estate business when it became clear we were facing something much bigger than we could have ever imagined.  I would soon discover my ambitions would be pulled out from under me like a ugly, worn out rug.

Up until then, I had hope I would one day shake whatever it was that tripped me up so much.   We thought it was connected to the abuse from my childhood or maybe my walk with God was really weak or maybe I was just a weak person in general.  Maybe, just maybe, if I tried harder, or prayed harder or exercised harder or ate better or something!!!!!  There had to be something I was doing wrong.

After we narrowed the diagnosis, I began facing the fact, I couldn’t do everything I dreamed of doing….and that pain is another post entirely.

I knew something was wrong, but I had no idea the symptoms grew worse and worse as you get older.  It made sense though, as I was moving into my 40’s, why the intensity was growing.
Friends only see me when I can leave the house. I venture out when I have energy and drive. This causes so much confusion when I meet new people.  I am vibrant and joyful at first and when I am pressured into social situations during the “luteal” phase, they see a quiet, sad often “sick” stranger they don’t recognize.

I can’t imagine how it is interpreted.

I cancel coffee dates, go two weeks without answering my phone, drop out of obligations I make during my good weeks.  I’ve since learned the crash will come and I have no business volunteering, working, serving or reaching out to anyone.

I’ve lost jobs, quit jobs, started and quit businesses, started and quit homeschooling over and over, lost friends, went on uncontrolled spending sprees, started arguments and walked away from relationships to save them from myself.

I wish at times, I had a physical ailment.  A limp, a scar, a broken bone or even cancer.  At least then, when someone met me they would have evidence of my disease.  They would be able empathize and process the injury in their own mind.

Instead, the injury is inside my mind.  It is not visible unless you live under the same roof.
It is hidden behind a mask I wear everywhere I go.  I can’t escape from the betrayal of my mind and body every month.  It is always taunting me…always waiting silently to paralyze me yet again and destroy everything I begin to build.

I’ve learned not to build anymore.  That is what hurts the most.


  1. Am having these thoughts now. Thank you for a beautifully written monologue. We are not alone! X

  2. Liana, you are not alone. Just remember the feelings always pass. God only gives us what we can handle. Perhaps the strongest ones are given more because He knows we can handle it. At least that's what I tell myself to cope. It isn't easy. My only hope is that there are more options for us who suffer from it, other than medication. Don't give up on your passions. PMDD does not define who you are. Stay strong.

  3. I suffered for so long and progesterone pills prescribed from my hormone Dr has so far been a hevan sent Ladies try it...Its been 2 months is 2nd month has been the best so far ;) Unbelievable..Try it ladies please..

    1. Hi Carla, is it still working for you? Best. Kx

  4. Thank you for expressing your thoughts. The day I read this I was feeling the same way but not able to put it into words. I can't tell you how comforting it was to read your words and know someone somewhere out there understands. It gave me strength and courage and an extra dose of perseverance to face the post cycle disaster I was dealing with. God bless you!! I know your words have blessed and will bless and comfort many more. Thank you! I am determined to get back up and keep trying and keep fighting, as I know you are too. This crazy thing is not for the faint of heart!!!

  5. Amen..on point with all of it. Well put.

  6. I can especially relate to wishing you had a physical ailment instead of PMDD. My husband left me two nights ago after I went into a fit of rage. Wouldn't you know, I started my period the next day. That's what it took for me to finally realize that what I have been experiencing for approximately 6 months is much more severe than PMS. I Googled "rage during menstrual cycle" and here I am today. I believe I have finally found my answer, but lost my husband along the way. I emailed links to websites to give him an understanding of the disorder, but I haven't received a reply. I can't help but think, "What if I had discovered a brain tumor was the cause of my outbursts? Would he still turn his back on me?"

  7. Your post echoes my own life. I can hardly believe I'm not alone in this hell.

  8. You wrote "I’ve learned not to build anymore. That is what hurts the most." I know what you say to be true and it just breaks my heart for you. This may not give you great comfort now, but please know someday it will end.

    I am 53 am now in menopause as of 50, after surviving 38 years or 360+ cycles of pmdd. For the first time, I get to finally create the life I want. I know that to start a new life at 50 doesn't sound as ideal as it could, but the way i look at it, corney perhaps, but I really do get to make the rest of my life the best of my life. I no longer want to die frequently. Now I do what I want, love who I want, enjoy the simplicity of sunsets, rain, mountain drives, keep people who give me love, laughter, discard those who make me feel I'm hard to love. I make very conscious choices, since I finally have control over my life and I appreciate every day of it :)