PMDD Wars: Supportive Partners, Women in Denial

I recently learned of a segment of the PMDD population I've left unaddressed--mainly because I had no idea it existed.  My post, Dealing with PMDD, Advice for Men, was written in response to the many posts I was seeing from women with unsupportive partners.  What, they wanted to know, could they do to help their partners understand their PMDD? 

So I put a post together, which in the end turned out to be three posts.  They're some of my most read posts, and I get the most mail regarding them.  But lately I have been hearing from men who love their wives and girlfriends, and would be more than willing to do whatever it took to help her to deal with her PMDD....

Only she's not interested.

Because she's not the one with the problem, he is, and if he can't deal with that, well, then...

Sound familiar?

It happens in a lot of relationships, and not just those that deal with PMDD.  One partner is trying to work things out, and the other is in denial.  Unfortunately, this is a sure-fire recipe for failure. 

For a relationship to succeed it has to have two consenting adults.  Two people behaving like grownups, each taking responsibility for their part in making the relationship work--or not work.  It's not about power, control, or changing the other person.  It's about doing your part to show your partner that your relationship is a priority in your life, and that you want it to last.

You don't do that by:

Playing the blame game

Expecting your partner to change

Trying to change your partner (for their own good or any other reason)

Ignoring your partner's needs

Being abusive to your partner

Denying there is a problem

Relationships require compromise, day in and day out.  They're not about one partner giving up all sense of self to cater to the wants and whims of the other.  It's a balancing act, and one that needs adjusting and readjusting daily.  It's hard enough to have a successful relationship between two healthy people.  Throw in some PMDD and your difficulties can increase exponentially.

But they don't have to.  Whether you believe it or not, you do have choices when it comes to your PMDD.  You can't control when it hits, but you can manage your reaction to it.  You can either take the path of least resistance and give in to your seemingly uncontrollable urges, or you can take a stand and say, "I am not my PMDD.  I am better than this." 

Your PMDD is not who you are, not the real you.  Root yourself in this knowledge and stand firm.  Refuse to let your PMDD get the better of you.  Refuse to let the negativity win.  Sure, you'll still be weepy and edgy and anxious and irrational at times....accept that that happens, but don't let it have free rein during an episode.  We all slip up now and then, but to totally immerse yourself in the negativity and irrationality...that doesn't do anybody any good--yourself, your partner, or your children.

Think of your children if you can't think of anything else.  Don't they deserve better than to see you not even trying to get along with your chosen mate?

This completely boggles my mind.  I myself entered a PMDD episode starting Friday night.  I knew it was coming, I could feel the storm approaching, and all I wanted to do was to be held.  Unfortunately, the circumstances for that to happen didn't fall in line.  It was payday and my partner was feeling flush.  He called and asked if I wanted to go out to dinner at our favorite restaurant.  I reluctantly said sure.  I was only going to heat up leftovers anyway.  Now I wouldn't have to do even that much.  In short, I adapted.  I decided to let myself be pampered another way since I couldn't have what I really wanted.  

But all night long, he kept asking, "Is something wrong?  You seem distracted."

Something was wrong, and I was distracted, but distraction is also an occupational hazard for me, so he's used to it.

Finally I said, "I can feel the storm coming."

He knew what I meant.

He took me home and I went right to bed. 

We spent the day apart on Saturday, seeing to individual tasks.  I felt all right most of the day, probably because I didn't have to interact with anyone, but around 5:00 p.m. I had an intense craving for carbs.  I ate a bowl of cereal. Shortly thereafter my partner arrived and off we went to church...where I could not stay focused to save myself.  My mind bounced from thought to thought to thought.

Afterward, now out of milk, we went to the grocery store.  I had three things I wanted to get: milk, brazil nuts (for selenium), and cat food.   It took every ounce of my concentration to stay on task, to simply remember those three items, and remember where each was located in the store.  Since by now I was feeling completely miserable--head pounding, joints aching, brain feeling like it was on fire--my mission was to get in, get my stuff, and get out. 

In church, I had let my mind wander, but now, I had to corral all those bouncing thoughts and force my mind to stay on track.  So deliberately focused was I that the minute we arrived in the parking lot, I jumped out of the vehicle and made a beeline for the store, completely ignoring my partner.  As soon as I entered the store, I saw the rack where I had last found the brazil nuts.

In that moment, nothing could have come between me and my goal. 

But they were out of brazil nuts.  They had almonds, walnuts, peanuts, pecans...but no brazil nuts.

My partner caught up with me as I stood in front of the nut rack, feeling completely derailed and wanting to weep.

I turned to him and said, "I want to cry, because there are no brazil nuts here."

I then asked him, "Am I acting strange?"

And he said, "Yes, I noticed something was off in church."

"I thought so," I said.  "It's that time again.  I'm having an episode."

I then turned away and went in search of the milk, once again leaving my partner behind.  As I was walking, I realized I was being rude.  I then recalled other times I had walked off without him and realized that each and every time it was during an episode. 

Suddenly it hit me that I wasn't trying to be rude--it was simply taking every ounce of energy I had to stay on task.  Otherwise I might look left or right, get distracted and we'd be wandering the store looking at nothing in particular until he said come on, let's go, and I would burst into tears for no apparent reason and our evening would be ruined. 

I stopped and explained this to him and we finished our shopping together.

But the whole time, I was feeling very angsty and edgy and primed to have a fight.  As he helped me out of the car when we got home, I said to him, "I could start a fight with you so easily right now."

He looked at me in surprise.  "About what?"

"That's just it," I said.  "About nothing."

I was overtired and achy and weepy and feeling like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum.  No lie.

Instead I went to bed. 

Because I know the difference between me and my PMDD.

And because our relationship matters to me.

It might not have been the most exciting ending to either evening, but at least it wasn't filled with a lot of drama that would leave each of us feeling devastated and alone.  My partner understood my need for rest and solitude because I was able to express it in a quiet and (somewhat) rational matter.  My partner understands my sudden rudeness and self absorption is not a reflection of him, but rather of my PMDD. 

With a different partner, it could have gone completely differently. 

If I had behaved differently, it could have gone completely differently.

Because inside of me was someone dying for a fight.  It didn't matter what the fight was about.  All I wanted to do was goad my partner into sparring with me until I could no longer stand my own irrationality and then burst into the tears I so desperately wanted to weep--and blame him for ruining everything.  Maybe even blame him for abandoning me or not loving me when he walked out the door in sheer frustration, for lack of knowing what else to do.

Not because he doesn't love me.  But because I wouldn't let him love me.  Wouldn't let him see my need, my vulnerability, my (what some would call) weakness, and wouldn't trust him to take care of me.

Think about it:  Which would you rather be...lovingly cared for, or crying and alone?

I'm still having an episode.  My head still pounds, my eyes hurt, my joints hurt, my back hurts, my brain burns, and I want to cry.  There is no doubt I could be drawn into an argument, any argument, with anyone, at the drop of a hat.  It may still happen...because sometimes the strength to hold the negativity at bay just isn't there.  But I do know that if it happens, it will only be for a moment, before I catch myself again, and remind myself that I am not my PMDD, and that my blindsided target doesn't deserve to be abused just because I am having a bad day. 

No one does.