The Monster I Am Living With: PMDD

Crushing weight sinks deep into my fragile chest. Insomnia, I'm already weary but have no hope of finding rest.

Switch in my brain has flipped, can't hold back as the monster inside bursts free. Losing all control, wreaking devastation wherever I go, it's then that I know, that as sure as gravity on earth I am back in its throes.

Depressive Tsunami overtakes me, washing clean away all of my self worth. Tormented woman desperate to stop it... Defeated despite the hard fight put forth. It's like a psychotic carnival ride, can't stop going around and around in my broken mind.

Anxiety and fear no one can understand brings salted tears ʼtil I am virtually blind. How can this damn life be so unkind??

Misery is embodied in me, taking away my hope for good life, hatred for the man who loves me most taking away my hope to be a good wife.

Migraines. Body aches. Sensitivity. Short fuses. Darkness. Hysteria. Forever on edge, pushing me to LOSE it.

I mean really how many times can my kids hear mommy's having a bad day, before they too feel abandoned and pushed away?

We stand on opposite sides of the same door secretly pleading: I've done nothing wrong why do I still have to pay?

Heartbreaking.

I hide out in my restroom cuz it's the only place I can truly be alone, keeping everyone safe from me, staring into a mirror and seeing nothing but the monster I am living with: PMDD.
~Carrian Troxler

PMDD Tales from the Front: Hitting Rock Bottom

I have a favor to ask… a gentleman has written to me asking What does rock bottom look like?

His story is in the comments section of my post Dealing with PMDD - Advice for Men.  His wife is in denial about her PMDD, and in other posts I have written that the denial is part of the PMDD, while guest poster Cat Stone added that often you have to hit rock bottom before you seek help.

My rock bottom was in early 2009, when (due to the onset of perimenopause) I realized I was spending more days in PMDD mode than not.  I didn’t like myself, didn’t like who or what I had become (basically a sad, unmotivated recluse) didn’t like feeling so freaking sad for what seemed like all of the time.  I knew I had PMDD, but I was convinced I could beat it with positive thinking and mind over matter alone.

So I went to my doctor in tears, and asked for anti-depressants.  She obliged, but a few days later the PMDD cloud passed, and I put the anti-depressants away (for good), and started my PMDD research in earnest.  The result was this blog, which I started in 2010.

Others, though, have reached a much worse low point before seeking help.

I hadn't alienated friends, family, or co-workers, because I tend to withdraw when an episode hits.  I am also a writer who works at home, so people are used to me disappearing for weeks and months at a time while I work on projects.  So I hit my personal low when I was alone in the house, and it didn't involve any sort of public meltdown.  My tears that day were because I felt like I was admitting to failure...admitting I couldn't handle my PMDD all on my own.

Admitting I had PMDD was never a problem for me.  I was grateful and relieved to learn the nonsense in my head had a name.  It was admitting I couldn't handle it without help that was my personal low.  I wanted to think I was stronger than that.

It turns out that I am.  But I wasn't on that day.

If you would share here when you reached your personal rock bottom, perhaps we can be of some help to this man asking for insight, and, I suspect, for hope …  at least enough hope to allow him to continue to stay in the relationship until his wife accepts that she has PMDD.