Today I uncovered another gem of wisdom from a reader on how to approach your partner's PMDD. Rather than leaving it buried in the comments section of another post, I've decided to feature it here:
I just found this blog searching for something to help my
husband know what to do with me. I feel better now, but I fear I'll regress and
we'll struggle again as a family. I have PMDD. I say DO NOT bring it up when she
is at her worst. She is completely irrational and doesn't want to answer stupid
questions or talk about how she is feeling. [In that moment] it seems so
obvious to her that you should know how she is doing. Don't bring it up on a
date or otherwise special time between you two. It is better to ruin a good day
or week to get her help, than to keep living like how you are and end up
divorced.
First, you need to get your wife medical help. When you have
an opportunity to talk—not in public—ask her if she's ever had PMS. She may not
have realized her moods are associated with her cycle. You're either going to
get a "Yes, dumb***" answer or a "No, not really, I don't think
so."
Depending on how that goes, tell her you've done some
research, you think her moods might be associated to her cycle, or, if she
knows she has PMS, that it might be something more serious. Tell her about PMDD.
Read her the symptoms. Ask her if this is how she feels sometimes. Feel bad for
her, say you're sorry she has to endure that every month. Let her know there is
help available.
I know it sounds insane. I know you shouldn't have to put up
with it. I also know how well I'm doing now and wonder how much better last
year could have been for my marriage if my husband would have reacted to me
differently. If he could have said, "How are you doing? Not well? Let's
get you to the doctor," instead of "You're so mean and I don’t have
to put up with this." I think I would have felt better. I was already on
an antidepressant. It wasn't working.
What I need to feel better is a new prescription and a
husband who will back off when I'm irritable and take care of the kids. When I
have a bad day, I need him to think, "She's mad, hmm, let's look at the
calendar, yep, she's pre-menstrual, I'm going to leave her alone, not mention PMS,
and take care of the kids until she feels better."
It might be a few hours, it might be a few days, but it
won't be a few weeks like it was last year when he was mad at me for having a
bad day; then I felt worse, then there was a fear he'd leave me. I get it, I
wanted to leave me, too, but women with PMDD, I'll speak for myself at least,
need to feel wanted and loved and worth it to help.
So that is my advice, stranger. Ruin a good day to get her
the medical help she needs. Say, "I took next Thursday off work, would you
like me to take you to the doctor?" If you have kids, arrange babysitting.
It's so hard for moms to find an hour to go to the doctor, especially if she
doesn't feel she's worth helping. Even if it's not PMDD she has, make sure she
gets bloodwork done. They should be testing her thyroid to make sure there
aren't issues there.
Either way, good luck, and from the wife's perspective,
thank you husbands who stick it out and deal with us. Some of these marriages
seem beyond repair, but husbands can do so much to help. Think of how she is
doing and what you can do to help, even if that means just leaving her alone
for a bit. She’s not rejecting you. She feels like s***. Unless she comes to
you, your touch will be repulsive. It’s not personal, it’s just how she feels.
Know that she cannot help how she feels when she is pre-menstrual. For me, I
feel angry, tired, sad, and irritable so I am distant to try to protect the
ones I love most (from me).
Perhaps your wife [doesn't] care so much if she is mean, but
I care. I bet deep down she cares too because she loved you enough to marry you
and doesn’t want to be mean to you. You don't have to understand it, you won't
ever. You just have to love her through it. Hopefully she's worth it to you.
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