Day 100. 100 days since I have had my menstrual period. I’m
54 years old and finally heading into menopause. After a lifetime suffering
from PMDD you would think this gives me joy, but all I taste are the ashes of
my family, my ambitions, and myself. For decades PMDD has taken a monthly
flamethrower to them all, and now I can only sift through the embers and mourn.
This disease has done terrible damage to everything that I
wanted to be, and the person that I thought I was. Even though my husband
understood the illness, my monthly insanity finally broke him and he was in the
final stages of leaving me a year ago when leukaemia struck. Now we live
together but separate, as I help him through the long dangerous recovery. We
get on well enough but the loving intimacy is gone. He can’t tolerate me
touching him, even as a comfort. Too late. Too late.
My grown sons love me but despise my behaviour. I’m sure I
have ruined trust in women for the youngest one.
I work hard and am mostly appreciated at the office but it’s
clear that my regular loss of emotional control has permanently stalled any
career advancement.
I was a bright and positive young woman who truly believed I
had a shiny place to make for myself and my family in this world, but this
disease has made me betray the little girl that I was, the one who believed she
was good and would do good things.
So I urge every one of you to fight, fight harder than I
did, look for answers and for care that actually works for you whether it’s
SSRIs, birth control, supplements, cannabis, diet, exercise, or therapy. Don’t
get complacent. Don’t give up. Don’t assume your family can put up with this
forever. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Too late is closer than you think.
~Anonymous
Posts
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I won't wait until it's too late. I will fight harder than I ever have before. I am almost 32 and already have so many regrets, but I don't want to keep them coming. I hate how in the throws of PMDD, it's hard to keep everything together, everything in past keeps coming up over and over again. I start to want to run away from everything and everyone. You are not alone. There are tons of us suffering. Many more that are suffering, but are in denial about it. I don't want to wait until everyone's gone to make a change. I have to find a way to balance this and make some sort of income. Your story hasn't gone on deaf ears.
I can’t explain what finding your blog means to me. Actually, my husband found it and sent me the link. I was diagnosed with PMDD about 4 years ago, but spent about 10 years prior to that wondering what in the worl was wrong with me. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for the reminder to now wait until it’s too late; but I promise you, you are still that little girl who is doing good things. Just look at this blog and although it may not be what that little one imagined doing, never doubt that it is not good and doing a service to the world, because I promise you, it is!
ReplyDeleteI am in tears while typing this because I fear that this womans story is a foreshadow into my future. I appreciate your honesty in this post and I wish I could hug you. I was diagnosed with PMDD 5 years ago and was placed on Zoloft immediately. I couldn't stand the thought of relying on a pill to manage my symptoms and so I had to wean myself off. I'm constantly researching this disease and praying for relief but I fear there isn't a way out. I get 5 or 6 days out of each month where I feel good and I'm actually happy and optimistic but the rest is pure chaos. I hate myself for having this condition, I hate that there is constantly an excuse for my horrendous behavior. I sit in the back of my own head and just watch the monster version of me just self-sabotage my entire life and I cant do anything about it. I hope your story makes an impact on the monster inside of me because she will be taking over in the next day or so and I really hope I can find a way out
ReplyDeleteI feel like every month, I have two weeks to squeeze it all in before I become that "other person". I wish sometimes, I had a deformity, at least people can see that and understand it. I will not let you words or expereince be in vain. Thanks for the boost I needed.
ReplyDeleteThank u
ReplyDelete