PMDD and Neural Pathways

In next week's post (which I am already writing today), I'm going to talk about stressors specific to PMDD women.  I'm going to use words you may or may not have heard before.  Like neural pathways.  What does that mean?  Well, let's look at neural.  Neurology. Neurologist.  Having to do with nerves.  Ever have a pinched nerve or experience nerve pain?  Ever say to someone "You're getting on my nerves?"  A neural pathway is like a dirt road.  The more you use it, the more it gets worn down.  If you use it a lot, the road develops ruts.  When a road has ruts in it, you can get stuck in the mud. 

 

On the flip side of that, think of a pair of shoes.  Nothing better than a pair of shoes you've had so long that they feel totally comfortable. 

 

So we have these neural pathways in our brains.  The more we use them, the more they can either develop ruts we get stuck in, or the more comfortable they can become.   Sometimes we can get comfortable with things that are not good for us.  Like addiction and abuse.  But hey, they are familiar.  Better the devil I know than the one I don't.  So in times of stress, we reach for the familiar. Our brain sort of goes on autopilot and says "I know how to react to this" and sticks with the tried and true.

The brain does not distinguish between what is comfortable and what is a rut.  Left to its own devices, the brain just takes the path of least resistance.  To get a different result, or take a different path, you have to consciously choose to do so, and in a sense, give your brain instructions to do something different this time.  Because even while the brain reacts automatically, you are in control of your thoughts, your thoughts are not in control of you.

Hard to believe when you're in the middle of a PMDD episode, but bear with me here.

To take a different path, you have to let your brain know that's what you want to do.  It will be hard, of that there is no doubt.  Your brain has been conditioned to doing things a certain way.  It's quite content to keep doing things this way.  Basically, you have to re-train your brain. 

 

I'd much rather slip into a comfortable pair of shoes than get stuck in a dirt road rut. 

 

Screaming and yelling and crying and creating all sorts of drama is sinking into the rut.  Taking a deep breath, holding your tongue, going for a walk or into a room by yourself to calm down is breaking in a new pair of shoes.  It will feel unfamiliar and tight and pinched at first, but the more you wear those shoes, the more comfortable they will become.  The more you practice self-control, the more familiar and comfortable it will become.  Eventually, you will have created a new rut...one you don't mind being stuck in.  One that helps your relationships instead of hurts them, and one that doesn't leave you feeling destroyed every time you get stressed.

We're talking normal stressors here, the stuff people have to deal with every day.  A meeting with your boss, a new client, your kid's teacher, a presentation you have to give, just dealing with people in retail, or long lines at the grocery store.  Traffic jams, flight delays, spilled milk, and crayons on the wall.  Practice is how you retrain your brain to deal with that stuff.  Because PMDD women have a reputation for being unable to cope with everyday stresses.  But this is because our PMDD brains have been conditioned to over-react to normal everyday stresses.  We have to work hard to get out of those brain ruts and we have to start small.

One moment at a time.

Some think of PMDD women as being weak, but I think the opposite.  I think we are strong.  Stronger than most.  Because we're starting out from deep in the ruts, while everyone else is starting on solid ground.  And still we succeed.  We get the clients, give the presentations, raise our children, maintain our households, keep our families and businesses afloat,  bring home the bacon, create beautiful things, care for our loved ones, and win recognition and respect DESPITE having a brain that does not function properly.

So never put yourself down for having PMDD.  Doing so only creates another rut you have to crawl out of.

PMDD and the Confrontational Relationship

So...why did I write that last post?  To show that no matter who you are, even if you know what you are dealing with and have the best of intentions, when you have PMDD, you will fail to come through for someone, somewhere, somehow, in some way.  It's inevitable.

My PMDD is part of why I work at home.  I realized long ago I could never work a full time job outside the home.  Going to the same place every day, seeing the same people, and me not being the same from day to day...

They would think I was crazy.  Like I thought I was crazy all those years.  What do you mean, your brain hurts?  You look fine to me.  What do you mean, you just can't cope?  What do you mean, you can't stay awake?  What's the problem?  Why can't you think?  Why can't you stay focused? How could you make such a mistake?  This isn't like you at all, Liana.  What's wrong with you?

I didn't have answers to any of those questions.  So I stuck to low-paying part time jobs to make ends meet.  I could handle being away from home for 3-5 hour shifts most days.

Now I work at home, don't have to deal with anybody if I don't want to, and only work on the good days.  When a bad day comes along, I take time off and pamper myself.  I realize most women do not have the  freedom to do this...however, I created that freedom as a result of understanding my needs regarding PMDD.  I've built my home and work life around my PMDD.

And I still screw up.  Just like I described in my last post.

 

I didn't have a meltdown.  No, my anger is more cold than that.  If I'm having a meltdown, you're safe--the only one in trouble is me.  It's when I get real quiet that you need to watch out.  Because when I get PMDD angry I mean to cut, I mean to wound.  I mean to kill your spirit.

 

I know this behavior is unacceptable, but in my PMDD state of mind, I do not care.  It's fight or flight, reptilian brain, survival of the fittest, and I am going to come out on top of this confrontation, real or manufactured, no matter what.  It's a fight to the death, baby, not because it really is, but because that is what my PMDD brain is telling me.

 

Just like in addiction, when your brain is telling you you'll die if you don't get another hit, fix, drink, or smoke, a PMDD woman's brain is telling her she is under attack and needs to win this one or she will die.  Either that, or it's telling her to flee, which is when your PMDD partner withdraws from the relationship, either physically or mentally/emotionally, and leaves you wondering What the hell just happened?

In the case of withdrawal, she is sinking into a deep depression where nothing matters, nothing at all.  Not you, not your relationship, and sometimes not even her own life.

Whatever the circumstances, be it addiction or PMDD, what your brain is telling you is untrue — but hey, it's your brain sending you these messages, and it's very hard to stand up to your brain.  (Try saying "It's hard to stand up to my brain" sometime and see what kind of looks you get.)  But it is very hard to mentally override the organ that completely runs your body, especially when your emotions are involved.  It's so much easier to simply lash out at the person in front of you instead—blame them for whatever's going wrong in your life. To blame your own brain would mean you were somehow not quite normal.  Defective, even. 

 

I am telling you this now, while I am in my right mind, so that you can see the difference for yourself.   In general I am a sweet, talented, intelligent, compassionate and creative woman.  I have a lot going for me.  I run a successful business, am an award-winning author, and make my own hours.  I am in a long-term relationship with an amazing man.  We get along super well, and being with him is just so...well...easy.  We don't fight...even when my PMDD self is looking for a fight.   He refuses to engage. 

What he does is listen, and speak quietly.

 

You don't need to shout to get someone's attention.  A quiet comment said without malice will do just as well...as long as your partner is willing to work with you on the relationship.  Maybe a code word or phrase between you will do:  I'm feeling fragile today.  It's one of those days.  It's not you, it's my PMDD.

I am dedicated to my relationship.  Devoted to it.  Willing to do what it takes to make it work in good times and in bad.

I am fortunate indeed to have a partner who feels the same.  One who is kind, compassionate, caring, generous, and truly supports me in my goals and ambitions.

And yet I can forget all of that in a heartbeat when my PMDD comes around.  I hope I did come off as selfish and ungrateful in my last post.  A diva, a prima donna, a pampered princess and spoiled brat.  Here I've been given the gift of a trip to Europe for Pete's sake, and I'm incensed about a phone call he didn't make?

Do you see how out of proportion the anger can get?

That doesn't make it right.  I am simply explaining what happens in a PMDD woman's mind.  I'm not saying you have to accept that kind of behavior from her.  There are ways to take the fight out of her with just a few gently spoken words, if she is open to communication about her PMDD.  But anything you say in a judgmental, condemning, or non-approving way will get you the exact opposite of what you want.

 

A PMDD woman knows when she's behaving badly and does not need you to point it out to her in any negative context.  Her negative thoughts are already creating a bonfire in her brain — adding any more will only fuel the fire. She hates herself during this time as much as you hate what she's doing to you and your relationship.

If your relationship feels like it is going nowhere, it could be because of this PMDD loop you're on.

A loop that won't end unless you consciously stop, take a step back, take time out from your heated emotions, research PMDD, find a way to communicate your true feelings to your partner (not your in-the-moment emotion driven ones) and agree to help each other get through this.

What a PMDD woman needs most from her partner when she's feeling ugly and unworthy and unloved is your love and understanding.  She wants and needs your emotional support.  If she doesn't get it, if she doesn't feel safe enough to be vulnerable around you, if she feels even the slightest bit rejected or judged, her fight or flight instinct will kick in, and she will turn on you. The reptilian brain does not distinguish between loved ones or enemies.  It simply fights to win...

Even when there is nothing to fight about.

You know what I'm talking about.  You've been there.  So have I.  None of it makes any sense.  It never has, and maybe never will.

 

PMDD doesn't make sense.  Period.   That's the only thing everyone agrees on.

To those of you still living the nightmare, my heart goes out to you.  I've read your comments and stories and know the daily chaos and confusion you experience.  I was married for sixteen years.  The marriage did not survive the craziness of not knowing or understanding what my PMDD was about.  As a single woman I made seeking and finding treatment options a priority--and have now been blessed with both wisdom and a second chance. 

I want nothing less for you.

It's My Party and I'll Cry If I Want To

Hello, everyone.  I've promised my friends, family, and readers I would start blogging regularly again in September.  It's September.  Yesterday was also Wednesday, my best day, schedule-wise, for blogging.  Problem was, I didn't feel like writing.  About anything.

I got my first inklings something was up on Sunday morning, when I woke up groggy, head hurting, and ravenous.  Determined to beat the PMDD blues, I ate a bowl of Cheerios (quick acting carbs) and went back to sleep for an hour and a half.  The next time I woke up, I felt better, more on an even keel thanks to the carbs and an extra sleep cycle, and so I vowed to not let my PMDD ruin *my* day.

And it didn't.  Not that day or the next.  Almost nothing could get me down, although at the oddest times, I found myself looking off into the distance and just wanting to cry.

Tuesday I embarked on a project that would challenge anyone's ability to concentrate.  For hours I sifted through airline websites and travel reservation matrixes, trying to find the best dates, flight times, and price for two seats to Europe.  The print function on my computer wouldn't cooperate, so I had to hold all the information in my head from screen to screen to screen.  My desk was littered with sticky notes on which I'd scribbled the names of potential destinations, airlines, and prices.

I also learned something about redeeming rewards points with a certain airline that makes a big fuss about their rewards miles program, but shall go unnamed at this point.  If you have one person paying with mileage rewards points, and another paying full fare...at least when you're headed to Europe...it's almost impossible to get on the same flights.  They offer one set of flight choices for the rewards points flyer, and another set of choices for the paying customer.  I could get us on the same flight leaving, but getting us on the same flight coming home was like finding a needle in a haystack. 
I thought I had done it, but four hours later, when all was said and done, I had chosen outgoing flights that were ten minutes apart.  One said 10:30 a.m., the other said 10:40 a.m.  (This was while my print function was still working.)

So I started all over, this time coming at it from a different angle.  My partner's rewards points with his credit card company.  Success!!  Or so I thought.  Once I hit Select Flight, the price, advertised as 20% less than the going rate, rose exponentially.  Like to the tune of double the going rate.

It was cheaper to go with Orbitz and pay full fare for both tickets, rewards points be damned.  Some reward.  They like you to earn those points, but apparently aren't all that keen on helping you to redeem them.

So...flights chosen, I'm now filling out the information.  Here's something new.  I need to input the names of who will be traveling exactly as they appear on the identification we will be using -- in this case our passports.  I call my partner.  He doesn't know what his passport says.  He says he will check and call me back in less than an hour.

He gets busy and forgets.

My day takes a nosedive.  By the time he arrives to spend the evening together, I'm not speaking to him.

It's that simple.

I busted my brain on the computer for several hours, trying to do what *he* suggested.  In the end I found out it was almost impossible.  Sure, I could have managed one rewards ticket and one paid fare if I wanted to change planes twice and spend 19 or more hours getting home on a flight that takes 8 and a half hours non-stop.

In the end I got both tickets for $300 more than we would have paid had we gone with one free ticket from my tightfisted airline miles company, but we're on that nonstop return flight...together.  When it's time to come home, we're coming straight home.  No missed connections or lost luggage for us, baby.

But I digress.

He forgets to call.  I am furious.  Just that fast.  And there is nothing he can do to make it right.  And I mean no-thing.  I am in the mood for a fight.  And I don't care who I fight with.  My son makes an equally available target.  He disappears into his room as I start sniping at both of them.  Sharp tones and snide comments left and right.  I know I am doing it, and I don't care.  I feel unloved, unappreciated, unheard, unhappy, unhealthy, unfit, un-everything.  You name it.  No one understands me.  No one cares.  No one appreciates the things I do around here.

"I see the weekend is over," my partner says quietly.

We had an amazing weekend.  Truly amazing.  Went to church, went for a sunset walk, went to a festival, met all sorts of interesting people, played miniature golf, went for a drive in the country, cooked a couple of fantastic dinners, slow danced...he even presented me with a 30 minute DVD of  a slide show of my recent trip to Alaska, set to soothing music.  It was my birthday and it was beautiful.

But all of that was gone in my PMDD mind.  All that mattered to me right then and there was he didn't call me back, he didn't appreciate my time, my work, or me.

His quiet words were my cue that I had crossed the line.

I apologized.  Sincerely.  Because I knew I was wrong.  He kissed me good night and we parted on good terms, with him saying he understood.  I went to bed and again, just wanted to cry.

Yesterday morning I didn't want to wake up.  All morning I couldn't concentrate, couldn't stay focused on any one task.  Couldn't even contemplate writing a blog post.  By afternoon, my brain literally hurt, like it was inflamed or something, and I found myself reaching for my PMDD foods....almonds, oranges, cottage cheese, and chocolate.

By evening I knew why.

My period had arrived.

The Amazing Power of the Brain

Today I'm posting something just for fun. Don't ignore this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

PMDD and Why Me?

Okay, we’ve heard enough stories for a while of what it’s like to have PMDD.We all know what it is by now.  And we know there is not much we can do about it once an episode hits.  The best we can hope for is to ride out the storm.  So a question I’m sure all of us have asked at one point or another is Why Me?

 Well, today I’m going to look into the possibilities I’ve uncovered so far.   First, however, a little background.  When does PMDD happen?  And How does PMDD progress? 

You don’t get it before your first period.  Girls, on average, in part due to the tremendous amount of environmental toxins being dumped into our lives, are now getting their first period at age 12.  Your probability of developing PMDD increases with each hormonal event in your life thereafter: pregnancy, miscarriage, abortion, or birth.  (You do not experience PMDD when you are pregnant, because you are not menstruating.) With each new pregnancy, your chances of developing PMDD increase.  And unless your PMDD is addressed, it will continue to worsen with each hormonal event, and as you age, becoming increasingly difficult through perimenopause, until it stops when you reach menopause.

But don’t start cheering yet…if your PMDD is not addressed before menopause, you run the serious risk of developing Major Depressive Disorder after menopause. 

The average age of menopause is 51. 

So, that means, on average, women have approximately 40 years during which we can develop PMDD.

What causes PMDD?

Nobody knows for sure just yet, but scientists do know it is a biological event that manifests as emotional symptoms.  What does that mean?  It means PMDD is caused by something that happens in your body and shows itself in your moods.  The closest science has come to defining what happens is that whatever happens, happens in concert with your menstrual cycle, and involves your hormones.  The hormones they are looking at the most these days are estrogen and progesterone.  It’s not that you have too much or too little, or maybe not even the balance between them, as this is still being studied, but that something goes awry in your brain when processing these hormonal fluctuations in your body.

That’s right.  Something goes wrong in your brain.  No news to us, right?  We’ve known all along something wasn’t right with our brains, with our thinking processes, during an episode of PMDD.  Why else would we say and do the things we say and do during an episode and not the rest of the month?

But I won’t go into all of that right now.  For now it’s good enough to know there is a biological “something” that happens where our brain does not properly process the fluctuating levels of our reproductive hormones during the second half of our menstrual cycle.  This leads to a disconnect in the brain, like when an extension cord comes apart from a plug, or when your cell phone coverage drops.  The result of this disconnect is a depletion of serotonin in the brain, the neurotransmitter that in part governs our moods, and our ability to be happy. 

This is why we crave carbs.  Carbs increase the level of serotonin in our bodies, and therefore improve our moods.  Problem is, most of us reach for the WRONG kind of carbs.  You know who you are and what you eat.  Not just any carbs will do.  But that’s the subject of another post. 

This is why doctors prescribe anti-depressants.  Certain antidepressants, called SSRI’s, help to increase the level of serotonin in our brains.  Problem is, we’re not low on serotonin all the time, and antidepressants come with a bunch of side effects that can make your symptoms worse.  Plus they don’t work at all for at least 40% of the women who take them.  (So if you’re one of the 40% or more, don’t blame yourself!)

This is why doctors prescribe birth control pills.  Birth control pills keep you from ovulating, which is the main cause of this shift in your hormones that your brain does not process correctly.  But again, this is treating only the symptoms and not the underlying cause, and birth control pills have their own array of side effects -- including death. 

Never mind that some women would rather be dead than suffer from another episode of PMDD.  I, for one, am not interested in taking something that could kill me when there are so many less drastic options to try.

Which brings me to the question of what contributes to PMDD?  Weight, lifestyle habits, including smoking, drinking, drug use, caffeine and sugar consumption, stress, trauma, abuse, and yes, genetics.  We’ll get more into genetics in another post.  For now it’s enough to know that in some cases, you really “can’t” help what happens to you when you’re experiencing an episode of PMDD.  It could be in your genes.

And if it’s in your genes, you’re not going to be able to cure it with a magic pill, be it synthetic or natural.  The best you can hope to do is manage the condition.

So what can you do about your PMDD?

You can address the things that apply to you. I’m not going to touch weight, because there are sooo many factors that go into a woman being overweight that it’s the most difficult of all for us to address.  (That’s a whole other blog post in itself as well, maybe even two or three.)  But yes, you can quit smoking, yes, you can cut down on your drinking, maybe even eliminate it altogether.  Same goes for caffeine -  you can cut out caffeine and not die – not like other options mentioned above.   You can cut back and even eliminate eating sugar.  And please do not make the mistake of thinking sugar substitutes are the answer to the situation.  If you’re determined to go that route, you’d be better off to keep eating sugar.  Raw sugar if you must, but no sugar is the best route of all.  Sugar feeds PMDD, and it also feeds cancer.  So think about it, and do what you can.

If you’re a sedentary soul, you can get more exercise.  Two to three half hour walks a week will do wonders for your PMDD.  45 minutes is even better.  Work your way up to whatever time you can spare.  Really, how can you not spare the time, when your life is at stake? 

Over-exercising is just as bad as not getting enough exercise.  More on why some other time.

Stress – starting to sound like a broken recording here, I know.  The stresses in our lives are as numerous and varied as our PMDD symptoms.  You know yours.  Get rid of them.   Don’t you deserve a better life? 

Rest – get as much as you can, especially during an episode.  Learn how to “Just Say No.”  Start small and work your way up.  And do it gently.  Don’t put it off until it becomes a snarl.

Nutrition – there’s a reason fresh, whole foods are good for you.  They’re packed with the nutrients your body, including your brain, needs to function properly.  You can’t get good nutrition from a box any more.  It just doesn’t happen.  And taking high quality, pharmaceutical grade vitamin supplements (not the cheap ones!) does help, but it doesn’t by a long shot make up for what you can do to make yourself feel better by simply eating foods as close to their natural state as possible.  Vitamins are meant to boost your nutritional balance, not replace what you lost from not eating right and depleting your body’s nutrients when you drink, smoke, and/or take drugs -- even common over the counter drugs. 

So there are a lot of things you can do to make your PMDD better.  Most, however, require time and effort.  It takes time to make good, healthy meals.  It takes time to listen to your body and become aware of what makes you feel better and what makes you feel worse.  It takes time to find the right treatment for your particular symptoms.  It takes time to make time for you, take time out for rest and relaxation, or deal with those messy stresses eating up your life.  It takes time to become comfortable with your emotions.  It takes time to work on your relationships.  It takes time to quit using the crutches you’ve been using to get through your however many years of PMDD.

But think of how many more years you have to go, and how it will only get worse if you don’t do something about it.  Do you want to spend your golden years depressed?

I know I don’t.  And I don’t want you to have to do it, either. 

You didn’t ask for the hand of cards you were dealt.  The best you can do is learn how to play them.  The information is out there. The willpower is inside you.  Are you going to sit around asking Why Me?

Or are you going to come to the table and say, Not Me. Not Today.

One day at a time.  That’s all you need to work with.  One hour at a time, if that’s all you have.  Pick one positive thing mentioned in this post, and do it for yourself, do it today.  Do the same thing tomorrow.  Keep doing it, one day at a time, until you have it down.  Then pick something else, and start the process all over again.  Baby steps are still steps in the right direction.

You can do it.  Because PMDD women are strong.  Super strong.  We have to be, with all that we have to deal with.

Liana is the author of PMDD and Relationships, a book written to help a woman with PMDD gain personal awareness, and insight into why she says and does the things she does.  PMDD: A Handbook for Partners, was written to help explain the unexplainable to partners of women with PMDD.  Either one of them can be used as a resource on tips for how to handle PMDD, or as a conversation starter for someone who wants to explain their PMDD to a loved one to someone they care about.  Both are available in ebook from Amazon and Smashwords (Kobo, ibooks, Nook, and Overdrive), and in print from Amazon, and the International Association for Premenstrual Disorders, or IAPMD.  For more information, please check out Liana's Facebook Page, Living with PMDD.

PMDD and the Trip of a Lifetime

This time last week I was in Alaska with six girlfriends.  You’d think, since it was the trip of a lifetime, one I had been wanting to go on for over twenty years, one I had been  planning and saving for and working toward for over a year and a half, that I would be having the time of my life. 

I would have been, if my PMDD hadn’t decided to come along. 

The warning signs started over two weeks ago, with the second day on the cruise ship.  I awoke, went to breakfast, went to a nature talk on what we could expect to see in Alaska, and could not stay awake to save myself.  After the lecture, I bailed on my friends, went back to the cabin, and slept soundly until I met up with everyone again for lunch.

I spent the afternoon feeling groggy, but okay.  Then we met for dinner (yes, you eat a lot on cruise ships – it’s part of the experience).  Somewhere in the middle of the meal, I literally felt something in my brain snap into place, like two pieces of a puzzle.  Like a connection that had come unplugged had suddenly been plugged back in.  I felt awake, energized, clear-headed.  Now I could get on with my cruise and have fun.  I  said as much to my companions.  We danced the night away.

Clearly, since that incident happened over two weeks ago, I was ovulating.

A few days later, the sleepiness returned, despite getting the best sleep of my life on the gently rocking ship.  On the tenth day of the trip my irritability arrived.  I snapped at my companions, and realized instantly I was having an episode.  I managed to hold my tongue for the rest of the day, but my inner thoughts ran rampant on every negative thing I could think of regarding the trip.  By evening I was in tears. 

I decided the best thing for everyone involved would be for me to go to bed early.  I did, and slept 14 hours.

The next day nothing, and I mean nothing could make me smile. 

Trip of a lifetime and I wanted to go home. 

I warned the ladies – Tomorrow I will be weeping.  They nodded in understanding.

It didn’t get that bad, fortunately.  Instead I mostly dragged through the day, sighing heavily, and privately wished I were home. 

Three days later I got my wish.  Once I was here, all I wanted to do was sleep.  (Well, I was awake for nearly 24 hours getting home.)  I took a nap every afternoon, claiming exhaustion from the trip.  But I knew I was hormonal, too, and warned those closest to me. 

My irritability returned, but again, after the first snap, I kept it inside…or at least I think I did.  My son did his best to make himself scarce, which only irritated me more.  Didn’t he miss me while I was gone?  He didn’t miss my PMDD self, that was for sure.  Still, I felt hurt and rejected.  I reached for the chocolate.

Monday comes…my work week begins.  I can’t get started.  I can’t get organized.  I wander around the house all morning, putting little things away, sorting this, filing that, clearing clutter, preparing myself to work, but doing no real work. 

That afternoon I take a 3-hour nap.  I awake ravenous and craving chocolate.  I am in full bore PMS mode (yes, you CAN have both PMS and PMDD) when that night and the next I make salty dinners.  Shrimp stir fry with Tamari the first night.  Tuna the second.  (I wanted tuna casserole, which is very salty, but somewhere in the day lost the motivation to make it, so settled for tuna salad and chocolate cake instead.)

My period is coming, but it’s not here yet. 

This morning I have brain fog.  I tried to pay bills.  Forgot to date one check, and forgot to include the credit card payment check in its envelope.  Par for the course with PMDD.  Small mistakes, but with big repercussions had I mailed them that way.  Instead, I ripped open the envelopes, made things right, and taped them up again.  At least I was still thinking clearly enough to catch my mistakes. 

At least I’m still thinking clearly enough to write.  That, too, may change in the next few hours.  Can you imagine how terrifying this loss of control is to a woman who does not know she has PMDD?  She has no idea what is happening to her.  All she knows is in the next few days, or even hours, she will lose her ability to both think clearly and control her emotions. 

And there’s absolutely nothing she can do to stop it.  Once that ship sets sail, it doesn’t stop until it wrecks.

Homes.  Families.  Relationships.

I am blessed in that I am in safe home, family, and relationship situations.  Those who are closest to me, those who spend the most time with me, are all understanding and supportive. 

But what if that wasn’t my situation?  What if I was in an abusive relationship?  Or living with someone who simply thought I was lazy and self-centered?  What if I lived with someone who called me crazy when this happened?  What if I lived with someone who didn’t want to be around me when it happened?  Who threatened to leave me if I didn't shape up?

What if I lived with someone who screamed and yelled at me, ordered me to snap out of it, called me names, and/or demanded, “What’s wrong with you?”

Self esteem takes a swan dive during a PMDD episode.  We feel unlovable to start with during this time.  Anything you say or do to make it worse will be magnified at least tenfold in our minds.  We are fragile and we don’t know why.  We need love and we want to be left alone.  It doesn’t make any sense to you, and it doesn’t make any sense to us.  We didn’t ask for this to happen, and in most cases it will be a long time (due to misdiagnoses and the hit or miss nature of treatments) before it stops happening.

And once an episode begins, nothing, nothing brings you joy…not even the trip of a lifetime.

So be patient with yourself, and be patient with your partner.  Finding the key to your individual situation will take time.  Look for answers from reputable sources.  Be wary of sources that claim to cure your PMDD.  Be cautious about anyone who stands to gain financially from your disorder.  Just like there are cheesy tourist traps when you go on vacation, there are those who only seek to profit from your PMDD misery.  Navigating the waters of PMDD products while searching for a solution can be choppy at best, and downright treacherous at times.  Hold on to the wheel (aka your sanity) with both hands, and if you have someone to help you when things get rough, be grateful for them and let them know it, no matter what ugly thoughts are going through your mind. 

Just keep mentally repeating, that’s my PMDD talking, not me, that’s my PMDD talking, not me.

Keep your mouth shut, and when the episode is over, thank them for being there for you.

The more you do this, the easier it gets.  And when you fail, see my post, They Only See Our Failures.

Take care, God Bless, and be proud of yourself.  Not every woman has the strength to wrestle with her PMDD, month after month after month.   But you are here, and looking for answers to yours.  That’s something worth recognizing and applauding.