The following is an excerpt from my book, PMDD and Relationships.
There are a lot of us who genuinely
would like to get along with our families and have our family gatherings filled
with happy memories of good times shared. There are also a lot of us, who, for one
reason or another, aren’t willing or ready to make any sort of break with our fundamental
family ties—because without family, what are we, but alone?
Nobody likes to be alone. Especially
on the holidays, when according to what we see on television, everyone else is having
the time of their lives.
So in this section I want to offer some
positive thoughts and information on things you can do to make your family gatherings,
be they over the holidays or for any family occasion, a little more pleasant.
1. Lower your expectations. Most
people go into the holidays with Norman Rockwell expectations and end up deeply
disappointed, even depressed and suicidal. Where do most of these expectations come
from? The media. Starting as early as September, advertisements abound showing happy
families sharing holiday joy. Keep in mind that these advertisements are designed
to sell you products, and are not a realistic representation of what goes on in
most families. Just like rail-thin runway models are not true representations of
the average woman, warm and fuzzy advertisements with everyone laughing and smiling
around a holiday table as they pass the food and drink are not true representations
of a holiday family gathering. They are somebody in advertising’s image of an ideal—and
ideals are extremely hard to reproduce in everyday life.
So don’t blame yourself if your holiday
event falls short of the idealized version you see on TV. This is tantamount to
blaming yourself for not having a body as hot as your favorite movie star’s. Looking
good is what they get paid to do. If you got paid to look that good, you would,
too. Any woman can look sexy with the right hair, clothes, and make up. If you don’t
have access to the same spas, trainers, dieticians, life-coaches, personal chefs,
housekeepers, nannies, drivers, and secretaries or assistants they do, then how
can you expect yourself to look as good as they do?
The same goes for the happy families
on TV. If you don’t have access to the same funds and props and wardrobe and production
crews that they do, how can your family holiday be as picture perfect as they portray
theirs to be? They probably don’t even know each other. They’re just a bunch of
strangers acting like a happy family.
Don’t fall for the hype. Work with what
you have, and stop trying to imitate some marketing specialist’s unrealistic image
of what your holiday gathering should be like. For instance, for Thanksgiving
this year my husband and I tried out a new recipe for veggie chili, made cornbread,
bought some ice cream, invited one (one!) friend over, and had a great time. This
same friend and I used to do the whole turkey dinner thing with a big group of friends,
which was fun at the time, but since then have shifted to more low key activities.
For Christmas, we went our separate
ways. No harm, no foul. For Easter, my husband and I spent the weekend in a lakeside
cabin with different friends, from my high school.
It’s all good.
2. Arrive with a smile and determination
to look for the positive throughout the day. If someone brings up a topic you’d
rather not discuss, just smile and say, “Gee, I really haven’t thought much about
that lately.” Then excuse yourself to head off for the food and or drink table,
maybe ask if there is anything you can bring back for them. Deflect, divert, disarm.
(If you’re already at the table, pick up the nearest serving dish and offer some
food. “Would you like some more mashed potatoes?ˮ Switch the focus to them, in a
polite, non-threatening way. Don’t let them get your goat.) Once you’ve returned
with whatever they might have asked for, just smile and say, “Here you go,” and
then be on your way. Either way, the uncomfortable topic has been diverted.
3. Use the event as an opportunity
for growth as a person. Practice the skills of patience, kindness, tolerance,
acceptance, and/or self-control. Congratulate yourself every time you manage to
take the high road and not snap out at the person who is trying to get you to lose
your cool, either deliberately or inadvertently. Use the occasion as an opportunity
to learn about how and, as I said in chapter three, who you “don’t” want to be.
4. Set your intention to have a good
time, no matter what. Do everything in your power to get a good night’s sleep
beforehand. Read up on prayer or positive thinking and prepare yourself to view
the gathering as a “spiritualˮ event. One in which you know your spirit will be
challenged, and you refuse to let anyone shake your good mood. One of the best books
I’ve read that has to do with dealing with difficult people is Thank You For
Being Such a Pain, by Mark Rosen.
5. Eliminate three words from your
vocabulary for the day -- Always, Never, and Ever. Try it. Practice in advance.
As in so many other areas, awareness is the key. Become more aware of these “conflict
coals” and do your best to not add any more to the fire. Or, as an exercise in self-entertainment,
start to notice how often others use these coals of conflict to fan the flames of
family discontent.
6. Stay sober. I know this is
a hard one, because a lot of people use alcohol to get through the day, thinking
it’s the only way they will be able to deal with it, but in truth alcohol only contributes
to the problem, because it magnifies whatever issues are already on the table, or
lurking just beneath the surface. Besides, a woman with PMDD needs to stay away
from alcohol. Like stress and trauma and abuse, alcohol only makes your PMDD symptoms
worse. If you must drink, down a full glass of water in between each alcoholic beverage
to both hydrate and pace yourself. My personal philosophy is when you get to the
point where you feel like you “really want” another drink to keep that buzz going—the
buzz is already on and it’s time to start backing off or you’re sure to regret it
come morning.
7. Don’t choose sides in any conflict
that develops. Period.
8. Stay away from discussions involving
sex, politics, and religion. Arrive prepared with alternate topics to bring
up…bring (or bookmark on your phone/tablet) photos of the kids or your last vacation.
Anything important to you or your family that you’d like to share. Try not to get
your feelings hurt if your efforts to share are brushed off, ignored, or dismissed.
Congratulate yourself for at least having the willingness to try.
9. Invite a friend or two who
has nowhere else to go for the holiday dinner. Sometimes bringing new people into
the situation will help to keep unruly relatives on their best behavior. Or will
at least make them consider restraining themselves in the presence of guests.
10. Drive separately, so you can
escape if need be. If you can’t leave the house, then leave the room. Go into
the kitchen and see if you can help there. Busy yourself with clearing plates and
empty drink glasses/cans. Or just go and refill your own (preferably non-alcoholic)
drink. Maybe spend some time in the bathroom, practicing deep breathing exercises.
Go for a walk if you can. While you’re in the bathroom or on that walk, text or
call a friend you’ve arranged to contact beforehand if things get dicey. Enlist
some moral support, and do it guilt-free. If no friends are available to text, there
are always PMDD groups on Facebook you can vent to. There is usually someone online
24/7.
11. It may well go against the grain,
but if you feel you absolutely must go to the family gathering, then go and aim
for one positive encounter during the event, and build from there. Next time
aim for two, and privately celebrate your successes. It might take a few years to
get where you want to be, but if this is your family, or your partner’s family,
you’ll have as many years as you need to work on it.
12. Another sanity-saving option is
to arrive late and leave early. Limit your time with your relatives so that
whatever of the above you might be willing to try has a bigger chance of success.
When all else fails, disengage.
Because sometimes nothing less than
to Just Say No will do. Plan an alternate holiday gathering/event and proceed with
it guilt-free, telling your family you’re taking a break and will see them next
time around.
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners. Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.
Liana Laverentz is the award-winning author of two books on PMDD, PMDD and Relationships, and PMDD: A Handbook for Partners. Both books are based on the most asked questions by her readers, and therefore the most popular posts on this blog. Both books are also an excellent resource for understanding your PMDD and for starting a meaningful conversation with loved ones who want to know more about this debilitating disorder we live with daily. More information on PMDD can also be found on Liana's Facebook page, Living with PMDD.
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